Monty Python Sketch Page 1
 
The Newlyweds bed sketch
Cast:
Newlywed couple :Terry Jones and Carol Cleveland
Mr Verity:Eric Idle
Mr Lambert:Graham Chapman
Assistant:John Cleese

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A newlywed couple(Terry Jones and Carol Cleveland) go into a department store...

TJ: We'd like to buy a bed, please.

GC: Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.

TJ:Thank you.

GC: Mr Verity!

EI: Can I help you, sir?

TJ: Yes, we'd like a double bed,about fifty pounds.

EI: Oh no, I'm afraid our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.

TJ : Eight hundred pounds?

GC:I'm sorry,i should have have told you that Mr Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.

TJ: I see.

GC: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

TJ: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds?

EI: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.

TJ: I see. And how wide is it?

EI: Er,the width is sixty feet wide.

TJ: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see....and the length?

EI: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Mr Lambert, what is the length of the Comfydown Majorette?

GC: Er..Two foot long.

TJ: Two foot long?

EI: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

TJ: I see, I'm sorry.

EI: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot wide, it is in fact sixty foot wide, all right?

TJ: Yes, I see.

EI: That's without the mattress, of course.

TJ: Oh,How much is that?

EI: Er, Mr Lambert will be able to help you with that. Lambert! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?

TJ: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!

EI: I'm sorry, you have to say dog kennel to Mr Lambert, because if you say mattress he puts a bag over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

TJ: Oh. Ah. I see. Er,we'd like to see the dog kennels please?

GC: Dog kennels?

TJ: (Sheepishly)Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels.

GC: Ah yes, well that's the pets department, second floor.

TJ: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG .... KENNELS.

GC: Yes, second floor.

TJ: No, we don't really want to see dog kennels, it's just the other chap said ...

GC: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?

TJ: Well, he said we should say dog kennels instead of saying mattress.

(GC puts bag on his head)

TJ: Oh dear. Hello... Hello

EI:Did you say mattress to Mr Lambert?

TJ: Well, yes, er...

EI: I did ask you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?

TJ: er...

EI: Now I've got to get into the tea chest

TJ: Oh.

EI: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...

Another assistant (John Cleese): (hears them singing) Did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?

TJ: Er,yes,a little.

(Assistant gives nasty look at Husband)

EI:...walk upon England's mountains green...

(JC starts singing) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...

(GC removes bag; EI and JC stop singing,JC leaves)

EI: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...just ...don't!

TJ: (To GC)No, no. Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please?

GC(starts to get annoyed): Yes, pets department, second floor.

TJ: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see?

GC: Mattresses?

TJ:(Jumps back in amazement)Yes.

GC: But if you want a mattress, why not say mattress?

TJ:Well I mean...

GC: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say dog kennel if you want a mattress. Why not just say mattress?

Husband: But you put a bucket over your head last time we said mattress.

(Lambert puts the bag over his head again)

: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (sings) And did those feet...

Assistant: (to TJ) We did ask!

(more singing...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green... )

Another assistant (Palin):Did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?

EI: Twice!

Another shop assistant shouts :

Hey, everybody! Somebody said mattress to Mr Lambert -- twice!

EI: We need more!

GC: I'm sorry, can I help you?

CC:We want a mattress!

( Everyone groans )

CC: But it's my only line!!!

Eberyone:But you didnt have to say it

Then everyone starts hopping around the room.


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