A newlywed couple(Terry Jones and Carol Cleveland) go into a department store...
TJ: We'd like to buy a bed, please.
GC: Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.
GC: Mr Verity!
EI: Can I help you, sir?
TJ: Yes, we'd like a double bed,about fifty pounds.
EI: Oh no, I'm afraid our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.
TJ : Eight hundred pounds?
GC:I'm sorry,i should have have told you that Mr Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.
TJ: I see.
GC: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
TJ: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds?
EI: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.
TJ: I see. And how wide is it?
EI: Er,the width is sixty feet wide.
TJ: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see....and the length?
EI: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Mr Lambert, what is the length of the Comfydown Majorette?
GC: Er..Two foot long.
TJ: Two foot long?
EI: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
TJ: I see, I'm sorry.
EI: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot wide, it is in fact sixty foot wide, all right?
TJ: Yes, I see.
EI: That's without the mattress, of course.
TJ: Oh,How much is that?
EI: Er, Mr Lambert will be able to help you with that. Lambert! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?
TJ: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!
EI: I'm sorry, you have to say dog kennel to Mr Lambert, because if you say mattress he puts a bag over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
TJ: Oh. Ah. I see. Er,we'd like to see the dog kennels please?
GC: Dog kennels?
TJ: (Sheepishly)Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels.
GC: Ah yes, well that's the pets department, second floor.
TJ: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG .... KENNELS.
GC: Yes, second floor.
TJ: No, we don't really want to see dog kennels, it's just the other chap said ...
GC: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?
TJ: Well, he said we should say dog kennels instead of saying mattress.
(GC puts bag on his head)
TJ: Oh dear. Hello... Hello
EI:Did you say mattress to Mr Lambert?
TJ: Well, yes, er...
EI: I did ask you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?
EI: Now I've got to get into the tea chest
EI: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...
Another assistant (John Cleese): (hears them singing) Did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?
TJ: Er,yes,a little.
(Assistant gives nasty look at Husband)
EI:...walk upon England's mountains green...
(JC starts singing) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...
(GC removes bag; EI and JC stop singing,JC leaves)
EI: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...just ...don't!
TJ: (To GC)No, no. Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please?
GC(starts to get annoyed): Yes, pets department, second floor.
TJ: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see?
TJ:(Jumps back in amazement)Yes.
GC: But if you want a mattress, why not say mattress?
TJ:Well I mean...
GC: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say dog kennel if you want a mattress. Why not just say mattress?
Husband: But you put a bucket over your head last time we said mattress.
(Lambert puts the bag over his head again)
: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (sings) And did those feet...
Assistant: (to TJ) We did ask!
(more singing...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green... )
Another assistant (Palin):Did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?
Another shop assistant shouts :
Hey, everybody! Somebody said mattress to Mr Lambert -- twice!
EI: We need more!
GC: I'm sorry, can I help you?
CC:We want a mattress!
( Everyone groans )
CC: But it's my only line!!!
Eberyone:But you didnt have to say it
Then everyone starts hopping around the room.