FUN IS ALLOWED

The following are some jewels in the crown of stupidity from some of the major 'players'.
Have a laugh at politicians' expense. God knows we need it.

Most, including the George W. Bush quotes (with sources), were found at:
http://politicalhumor.about.com

At the bottom of the page you can join Michael Moores new HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICE,
where you'll receive plenty of tips on how to deal with Stupid White Men and their ilk.

Enjoy!

Dan Quayle, former US Vice President

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
(The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card.)

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

"Public speaking is very easy."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"There are lots more people in the House. I don't know exactly — I've never counted, but at least a couple hundred."
(....on the difference between the House and Senate)

George W. Bush, current US President

"I know about small businesses, I was one."

"I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity."

"One of the interesting initiatives we've taken in Washington, D.C., is we've got these vampire-busting devices. A vampire is a — a cell deal you can plug in the wall to charge your cell phone."

"There's a lot of people in the Middle East who are desirous to get into the Mitchell process. And — but first things first. The — these terrorist acts and, you know, the responses have got to end in order for us to get the framework — the groundwork — not framework, the groundwork to discuss a framework for peace, to lay the—all right."
(....referring to former Sen. George Mitchell's report on Middle East peace, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 13, 2001)

"My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the — in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence, to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen."

"A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it."

"You saw the president yesterday. I thought he was very forward-leaning, as they say in diplomatic nuanced circles."
(....referring to his meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, July 23, 2001)

"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right."

"It is white."
(.....when asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like, July 19, 2001)

"Well, it's an unimaginable honor to be the president during the Fourth of July of this country. It means what these words say, for starters. The great inalienable rights of our country. We're blessed with such values in America. And I — it's — I'm a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful values."

"I want to thank you for coming to the White House to give me an opportunity to urge you to work with these five senators and three congressmen, to work hard to get this trade promotion authority moving. The power that be, well most of the power that be, sits right here."

"I haven't had a chance to talk, but I'm confident we'll get a bill that I can live with if we don't."
(.....referring to the McCain-Kennedy patients' bill of rights, June 13, 2001) "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incrediborge W. Bush, at a news co
"Can't living with the bill means it won't become law."

"Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious — I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well."

"So on behalf of a well-oiled unit of people who came together to serve something greater than themselves, congratulations."
(...in remarks to the University of Nebraska women's volleyball team, the 2001 national champions, May 31, 2001)

"It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses."

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."

"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."

"First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country."
(....on the Kyoto accord, April 24, 2001)

"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."
(....at the Summit of the Americas in Quebec City, April 21, 2001)

"Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican."
(.....declining to take reporters' questions during a photo op with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, April 21, 2001)

"It is time to set aside the old partisan bickering and finger-pointing and name-calling that comes from freeing parents to make different choices for their children."
(......on "parental empowerment in education," April 12, 2001)

"I think we're making progress. We understand where the power of this country lay. It lays in the hearts and souls of Americans. It must lay in our pocketbooks. It lays in the willingness for people to work hard. But as importantly, it lays in the fact that we've got citizens from all walks of life, all political parties, that are willing to say, I want to love my neighbor. I want to make somebody's life just a little bit better."

"This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."

"It would be helpful if we opened up ANWR (Arctic National Wildlife Refuge). I think it's a mistake not to. And I would urge you all to travel up there and take a look at it, and you can make the determination as to how beautiful that country is."

"A lot of times in the rhetoric, people forget the facts. And the facts are that thousands of small businesses — Hispanically owned or otherwise — pay taxes at the highest marginal rate."
(.....speaking to the  Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, March 19, 2001) 

"But the true threats to stability and peace are these nations that are not very transparent, that hide behind the—that don't let people in to take a look and see what they're up to. They're very kind of authoritarian regimes. The true threat is whether or not one of these people decide, peak of anger, try to hold us hostage, ourselves; the Israelis, for example, to whom we'll defend, offer our defenses; the South Koreans."

"I do think we need for a troop to be able to house his family. That's an important part of building morale in the military."
(....speaking at Tyndall Air Force Base in Florida, March 12, 2001)

"I suspect that had my dad not been president, he'd be asking the same questions: How'd your meeting go with so-and-so? … How did you feel when you stood up in front of the people for the State of the Union Address—state of the budget address, whatever you call it."

"Ann and I will carry out this equivocal message to the world: Markets must be open."
(....at the swearing-in ceremony for Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman, March 2, 2001)

"My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt."
(.....in his budget address to Congress, Feb. 27, 2001)

"I have said that the sanction regime [on Iraq] is like Swiss cheese, that meant that they weren't very effective." —

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''

"Will the highways of the Internet become more few?"

"It's good to see so many friends here in the Rose Garden. This is our first event in this beautiful spot, and it's appropriate we talk about policy that will affect people's lives in a positive way in such a beautiful, beautiful part of our national — really, our national park system, my guess is you would want to call it."

"We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House — make no mistake about it."

"There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it."

"I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state."

"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment."

"I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."

"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."

"If he's — the inference is that somehow he thinks slavery is a — is a noble institution I would — I would strongly reject that assumption — that John Ashcroft is a open-minded, inclusive person."—

"She's just trying to make sure Anthony gets a good meal — Antonio."
(....on Laura Bush inviting Justice Antonin Scalia to dinner at the White House, Jan. 2001 )

"I want it to be said that the Bush administration was a results-oriented administration, because I believe the results of focusing our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having an education system that's responsive to the child and to the parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change, will make America what we want it to be — a more literate country and a hopefuller country."

"It'll be hard to articulate."
(....anticipating how he'll feel upon assuming the presidency, Jan. 2001)

"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified."
(....commenting on Linda Chavez, Jan. 2001)

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."

"I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them."

"I also have picked a secretary for Housing and Human Development. Mel Martinez from the state of Florida."

"If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier — so long as I'm the dictator."
(....seriously!!! Dec. 19, 2000)

"The great thing about America is everybody should vote."

"As far as the legal hassling and wrangling and posturing in Florida, I would suggest you talk to our team in Florida led by Jim Baker."

"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law."

"They misunderestimated me."

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

"If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it."

"The idea of putting subliminable messages into ads is ridiculous."

"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected."

"I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully."

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

"We ought to make the pie higher."
(....describing budgetary plans)

"Mr. Vice President, in all due respect, it is — I'm not sure 80 percent of the people get the death tax. I know this: 100 percent will get it if I'm the president."
(....during the third presidential debate, Oct. 2000)

"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia — I never interviewed her."
(....responding to a magazine article claiming he suffered from dyslexia)

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."

"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.''

"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read — I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do."

"The fact that he relies on facts — says things that are not factual — are going to undermine his campaign."
(....on Al Gore)

"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating."

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve."
(....speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, New Hampshire)

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have — he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."
(....on Sen. John McCain)

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."

"I don't want to win? If that were the case, why the heck am I on the bus sixteen hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?"

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?"

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."

"Actually, I — this may sound a little West Texas to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about — when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."

"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then."
(....reflecting in 1994 about growing up in Midland, Texas)

"You'll hear people say it's racist to test. Folks, it's racist not to test. Because guess who gets shuffled through the system oftentimes? Children whose parents don't speak English as a first language, inner-city kids. It's so much easier to quit on somebody than to remediate."
(.....referring to his education bill, Aug. 21, 2001)

"Being outdoors keeps my mind sharp."

"With all those kids in the tub, it's not arsenic in the water I'd be worried about."
(...at a White House Correspondents Association dinner, displaying a childhood photo of himself and his siblings in a bathtub with their father)

"My advice is, don't peak too early."
(...at a White House Correspondents Association dinner, showing off his first-grade report card, in which he received all A's)

"First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country."
(...on the Kyoto accord, April 24, 2001)

"Mathematics are one of the fundamentaries of educationalizing our youths."

"If they would read it closely they would see I'm using the transitive plural tense so the word 'is' are correct."
(.....explaining the brilliance behind his infamous remark "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

"It is a very complicated economic point I was making there. Believe me, what this country needs is taller pie."
(.....explaining what he meant when he said "We ought to make the pie higher")

"You see, anyone can give you a coherent sentence. But this takes you to an entirely new dimension."
(.....reflecting on his remark "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully")

"In my sentences I go where no man has gone before."

"Those stories about my intellectual capacity do get under my skin. You know for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, 'Intelligence briefing.'"

"A hobby I enjoy is mapping the human genome. I hope one day I can clone another Dick Cheney [US Vice Prseident]. Then I won't have to do anything."

"Are you with the Chinese press? Your English is perfect. You speak better English than I do."
(....to a Chinese reporter)

"You know all those press organizations that have been doing a recount in Florida? Well, you won."
(....to former presidential candidate Ralph Nader, at the Gridiron Dinner)

"(Yogi Berra's) been an inspiration to me — not only because of his baseball skills but, of course, for the enduring mark he left on the English language. Some of the press corps even think he might be my speechwriter."
(....whilst hosting baseball Hall of Famers at the White House)

"We both use Colgate toothpaste."
(.... in response to a reporter's question about whether he and British Prime Minister Tony Blair shared anything in common)

"I'm about to name my brother the ambassador to Chad."
(....joking to a group of Roman Catholic leaders about his reward to Jeb Bush for delivering Florida)

"Pussy."
(....on being asked what he and his father discussed when not talking politics)

Ronald Reagan, former US President

"Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries"

"I am not worried about the [budget] deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."

"Having seen RAMBO last night, I'll know what to do next time this happens."

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up, and I think we are going to succeed."

"Facts are stupid things."
(....responding to a question about whether his Latin American trip had changed his outlook on the region. He was misquoting John Adams, who in 1770 wrote "Facts are stubborn things.")

"Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born."

"The government is not the solution, the government is the problem."

"My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes."
(...during a radio microphone test, 1984)

"Government is like a baby. It is an alimentary canal with an appetite at one end and a no sense of responsibility at the other."

"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do."

"A tree is a tree. How many more do you have to look at?"
(....opposing expansion of Redwood National Park as governor of California)

"I have flown twice over Mt St. Helens out on our west coast. I'm not a scientist and I don't know the figures, but I have a suspicion that that one little mountain has probably released more sulfur dioxide into the atmosphere of the world than has been released in the last ten years of automobile driving or things of that kind that people are so concerned about."
(Actually, Mount St. Helens, at its peak activity, emitted about 2,000 tons of sulfur dioxide per day, compared with 81,000 tons per day by cars.)

"We think there is a parallel between federal involvement in education and the decline in profit over recent years."

"Fascism was really the basis for the New Deal."
(....on his failed campaign for the Republican nomination)

"The best minds are not in government."

 "You can't help those who simply will not be helped. One problem that we've had, even in the best of times, is people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless who are homeless, you might say, by choice."
(....defending his administration against charges of callousness, on 'Good Morning America')

"They have eliminated the segregation that we once had in our own country [....] the type of thing where hotels and restaurants and places of entertainment and so forth were segregated - that has all been eliminated."
(....telling an interviewer that the "reformist administration" of South African president P.W. Botha had made significant progress on the racial front.)

"The American Petroleum Institute filed suit against the EPA [and] charged that the agency was suppressing a scientific study for fear it might be misinterpreted. [....] The suppressed study reveals that 80 percent of air pollution comes not from chimneys and auto exhaust pipes, but from plants and trees."

"You know, if I listened to him long enough, I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn, and that people are homeless, and people are going without food and medical attention, and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."
(....accusing Michael Dukakis of misleading campaign rhetoric.)

"This fellow they've nominated claims he's the new Thomas Jefferson. Well let me tell you something; I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine and Governor... You're no Thomas Jefferson!"

George Bush Sr., former US President

"Ozone Man, Ozone. He's crazy, way out, far out, man."
(....speaking about Al Gore during the 1992 presidential campaign)

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know?...I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"
(....speaking to a group of students about drug abuse)

"You cannot be president of the United States if you don't have faith. Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial and the Civil War and all that stuff. You can't be. And we are blessed. So don't feel sorry for — don't cry for me, Argentina. Message: I care."
(....speaking to employees of an insurance company during the 1992 New Hampshire primary)

"Please don't ask me to do that which I've just said I'm not going to do, because you're burning up time. The meter is running through the sand on you, and I am now filibustering."

"I am not one who — who flamboyantly believes in throwing a lot of words around."

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks."

"I think there were some differences, there's no question, and will still be. We're talking about a major, major situation here that requires constant work. But it was well worth it and there's much more to it than just this - I mean just these sixteen accomplishments or whatever: I mean, we've got a major rapport - relationship of economics, major in the security, and all of that, we should not lose sight of."
...(to reporters, on his trip to Japan)

"Please don't look at the part of the glass that is only half full."

"I see this glass not half-empty, but half-full and more."

"No you're not going to see me stay put... I am not going to forsake my responsibilities. You may not see me put as much - I mean, un-put as much"

"I think I've got to do better in making clear what the message is, and I think I can do better. But I think there's so much noise out there that I've got to figure out how to make it clearer that we are for the things that I have advocated that would help."

"Your dedication and tireless work with the hostage thing, with Central America, really give me cause for great pride in you and thanks. Get some turkey, George Bush."
(...in a written expression of gratitude to Oliver North, circa Thanksgiving 1985. Read by North during his interview with Ted Koppel on "Nightline,")

"I don't want to just sit here blaming Congress. I mean, we're all in this together."
(...to news anchor Bill Stuart of KCNC-TV, Denver)

"I think the Congress should be blamed."
(...several minutes later, to Warner Saunders of WMAQ-TV, Chicago)

"If a frog had wings, he wouldn't hit his tail on the ground. 'If.' Too hypothetical."

"And let me say in conclusion, thanks for the kids. I learned an awful lot about bathtub toys - about how to work the telephone. One guy knows - several of them know their own phone numbers - preparation to go to the dentist. A lot of things I'd forgotten. So it's been a good day."
(...at a Head Start centre in Catonsville, Maryland)

"The guy over there at Pease - a woman actually - she said something about a country-western song about the train, a light at the end of the tunnel... I only hope it's not a train coming the other way. Well, I said to her, well, I'm a country music fan. I love it, always have. Doesn't fit the mold of some of the columnists, I might add, but nevertheless - of what they think I ought to fit in, but I love it. You should have been with me at the c.m.a. awards at Nashville. But nevertheless, I said to them there's another one that the Nitty Ditty Nitty Gritty Great Bird - and it says if you want to see a rainbow you've got to stand a little rain. We've had a little rain. New Hampshire has had too much rain."

"And so I do understand New Hampshire because I have this wonderfully warm feeling that New Hampshire feels exactly the way we do on these questions of family values and faith. Somebody said to me, we prayed for you over there. That was not just because I threw up on the Prime Minister of Japan, either. Where was he when I needed him? I said, let me tell you something. And I say this - I don't know whether any ministers from the episcopal church are here - I hope so. But I said to him this: You're on to something here. You cannot be President of the United States if you don't have faith. It's been great. I'll go back to Washington all fired up for tomorrow and tackle the President or the Prime Minister of this or the Governor of that coming in. But I'll have this heartbeat..."

"Ours is a great state, and we don't like limits of any kind. Ricky Clunn is one of the great bass fishermen. He's a Texas young guy, and he's a very competitive fisherman, and he talked about learning to fish wading in the creeks behind his dad. He in his underwear went wading in the creeks behind his father, and he said - as a fisherman he said it's great to grow up in a country with no limits..."

"Somebody - somebody asked me, what's it take to win? I said to them, I can't remember, what does it take to win the Super Bowl? Or maybe Steinbrenner, my friend George, will tell us what it takes for the Yanks to win - one run. But I went over to the Strawberry Festival this morning, and ate a piece of shortcake over there - able to enjoy it right away, and once I completed it, it didn't have to be approved by Congress - I just went ahead and ate it - and that leads me into what I want to talk to you about today..."
(....at a fund-raising lunch in Tampa, Florida)

General Malaise

"Well, he got this new globe for Christmas."
- Senator Bob Dole, dispelling rumors that George W. Bush lacks a grasp of foreign affairs

"I find the language of George W. Bush much more offensive."
- Madonna, on rapper Eminem

"That he publicly apologize for performing at George W. Bush's Inauguration, and if he confirms that when he danced next to George W. Bush at the Inauguration, he could smell brimstone and that George W. Bush is in fact the spawn of Satan. Otherwise, no deal."
- Musician Moby's condition for performing with singer Ricky Martin

"Tomorrow night, Speaker Hastert and I will be sitting above the rostrum as the president presents his budget. Hopefully, we won't overshadow the evening with our charisma."
- Dick Cheney, on Bush's first address to Congress

"On Friday, President Bush ordered the bombing of Iraq. You know, bombing Iraq has become kind of a family tradition in the Bush household. In fact, Bush said today he looked forward today when one day his children would also be able to bomb Iraq."
- Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

"Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country."
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary  

"The enemy isn’t conservatism. The enemy isn’t liberalism. The enemy is bullshit."
- Lars-Erik Nelson, political columnist

"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."
- Will Rogers

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
- Groucho Marx

"She's a wonderful, wonderful person, and we're looking to a happy and wonderful night — ah, life."
- Senator Ted Kennedy, speaking about his then-fiancee, Victoria Reggie

"There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and...evil."
- Senator Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
- Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
- Marion Barry

"A mere forty years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning. No bureaucrat would have invented it, and that's what freedom is all about."
- Newt Gingrich, speaking at the 1996 Republican Convention

"They don't call me Tyrannosaurus Sex for nothing."
- Ted Kennedy

"He can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth."
- Former Texas Gov. Ann Richards on misstatements made by George Bush, Sr.

"The United States, for all its' faults, is still the greatest nation in the country."
- Spiro Agnew, former US Vice Presidsent

"All satire is now dead."
- Humourist Tom Lehrer, quitting showbusiness on hearing the news that the UN had awarded Henry Kissinger the 'Humanitarian of the Year' award

Date: Mon, 10 Jun 2002
From: "Michael Moore's Mailing List" <mailinglist@michaelmoore.com>
Subject: Michael Moore Announces the Opening of "MIKE'S OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY"

June 7, 2002
My fellow Americans,

We live in really, really, scary, scary times. BOO! See, you jumped, didn't you? I don't blame you. I did too, as I typed it! SCAAARRY TIMES!

Yes, there are thousands of evildoers who are working 24/7 to mess us up.

Well, actually, it may only be a few hundred.

OK, fine. I'll come clean: It's just three guys -- and they go by the names of bin Bush, al-Ashcroft and Abu Cheney.

Yes, these three have put us all in grave danger. Whether it was their inaction before September 11th, or their actions since September 11th, they have made this a less-safe country -- and they are doing their damnedest to destroy our constitution and our American way of life. They must be stopped. Or at least sent on a very long Carnival Cruise.

That is why today I am announcing the creation of MIKE'S OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY.

This Office will, each day, issue the necessary warnings to the American people (and to the other freaked-out inhabitants of this planet) about what precautions and action you and they will need to take. Though not yet a cabinet-level department (this would first require removing the squatters at 1600 Penn. Ave.), Mike's Office of Homeland Security will act as THE one-stop shopping and command center charged with monitoring the movements of the doers of true evil. This Office will dispatch the forces of the American Public (the vast majority of whom never elected a single damn one of the men who now "lead" us) to conquer evil wherever it may be, from DC to Wall Street to the Republic of Texas.

Let's face it, folks, it's not that these are simply bad men. It's just that now, with all the recent revelations, it has become sadly evident they are just plain stupid ("Mr.'President,' we think Osama is going to hijack planes and crash them into buildings!" Bush: "Hey, I'm on vacation -- send my aides a memo!"). When George W. promised last week to "securitize" the country, who among us felt really safe (or "safetized")? When General Ashcroft (as the Democratic senators on the "oversight" panel reverently addressed him recently) spends our money on expensive drapes to cover up the statue of Lady Justice at the Justice Department because he does note want to see a stone breast exposed, who among us feels the cover-up at Justice stops there? When Dick Cheney disappears for long periods of time, who among us doesn't scream, "PAR-TY!!"

So the CIA knew this, and the FBI knew that. And they did nothing. But THEY will not be part of Bush's new cabinet department for HIS Office of Homeland Security. No, of course not! Why have the two of them stinkin' up the room? And what do THEY have to do with making sure SICKOS DON'T KILL US??!! No, instead, W. is going to whip the Coast Guard and the fruitfly inspectors at Immigration into shape, those lazy bastards! No wonder our lives are still in jeopardy -- it's the out-of-control toll collectors at the Windsor Tunnel in Detroit! Thank God the FBI and the CIA will be allowed to continue on their own separate paths, kicking the crap outta each other, and answerable to no one. AS IT SHOULD BE!! I mean, where would we be today (and how many may have lived) had the FBI not siphoned off the resources of 200 full-time FBI agents who spent the better part of the late '90s on the Clinton-Lewinsky case -- investigating the national security crisis of how to get a stain out of a blue dress! What if they had been doing their REAL job -- like investigating dip-shit flight training schools in Florida and Texas and SAVING PEOPLE’S LIVES?! What a waste of time! And still, to this day, not a single apology from any Republicans for that costly misdirection of police protection. (You see, if I were to go call 9-1-1 right now and send the cops off to some stupid non-crime scene, I would be arrested. When the Republicans did it, they got the White House.) Well, enough carpin' about these losers. Nothing they do will prevent the next attack, sad to say. So, at the very least, I can offer to help protect our constitution, our civil liberties, and our precious right to watch football, eat Tostitos, and NOT fall off the couch.

Plus, my Office of Homeland Security will give out prizes! All the Bush Office is doing is giving out secret warrants to arrest Americans, throw them in secret prisons and never charge them.

My color codes of various security levels will come in everything from CODE MAUVE to CODE PERIWINKLE. I will explain the day's "Crisis Situation" and give you "Your Mission." By turning to Mike's Office of Homeland Security you may not survive the next terrorist attack, but you will definitely make it to November 2, 2004. And wake up happy on November 3.

By what authority do I establish this Office? Well, I may not be the President, but they've just told me I've sold more books this year than Harry Potter -- and, dammit, that should bestow some sort of superpowers on me to protect the rest of us, right?

Thank you. Good night. And God Bless America Except Florida.

Michael Moore
Author
Filmmaker
Evildoer Doer

mike@michaelmoore.com
To check in at Mike's Office of Homeland Security or to get your copy of "Stupid White Men", click here:
http://www.michaelmoore.com

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