Jacob stole his brother's birthmark.
Joseph gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Unleavened bread is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were doing.
When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.
History called people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery.
King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.
Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw.
The victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
Gutenberg invented the Bible.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. [It seems nothing changes]
Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
When Queen Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
During the Renaissance America began.
Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
The Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.
The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back.
Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the American Revolution was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.
The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of the Country.
The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.
Lincoln said, "In onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened.
The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.
The Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
Napoleon wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
[In the nineteenth century...] Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
English Language & literature
A myth is a female moth.
The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.
Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.
The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature.
Shakespeare lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.
Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.
Cervantes wrote "Donkey Hote".
Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Some mature students were learning about the difference in word order between English and French, and learnt that "chèvre sauvage" meant "wild goat". One student, keen to show her knowledge, volunteered that "goat's cheese" would be translated as "fromage sauvage" [wild cheese].
The same class studied a newspaper contacts column. One student translated "Je suis las d'être seul" as meaning "I am a lost soul" [actually "I am tired of being alone"].
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud music.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when thebapples are falling off the trees.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species".
Madman Curie discovered radium.
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