Humour Archive

Older items archived from my
main humour page to save space.

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Introduction

Where possible sources (not guaranteed original) are quoted. Where I am responsible (not often) I generally admit to it. I take full responsibility for any errors in translation from other languages.

There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old and bold pilots [anon, thanks to John Feltham for passing it on]

Extracts from Skiing Glossary

[From Guardian newspaper, but not original]

Bones There are 206 in the human body, but don't worry. The two in the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.

Newton's skiing laws of motion

  1. Inertia is the skier's body's tendency to resist changes in direction or speed.
  2. Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills.
  3. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.
  4. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object ... see "Tree".

Shin The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

Traverse To ski across a slope at an angle - this is one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

Tree The other method.

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"Engineering is the art of modelling materials we do not wholly understand, into shapes we cannot precisely analyse, so as to withstand forces we cannot properly assess, in such a way that the public has no reason to suspect the extent of our ignorance" [Dr A.H. Dykes IStructE 1976]

Dumb Blondes

Sent to me by Jan McConnell

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said was from 2-4 years.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.

Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
She missed the Earth

Q: What did the blonde get on her college entrance exam?
A: Nail polish.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is it called when one blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the busty waitress after reading her nametag?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde driving through a flashing traffic light.

Did you hear about the blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in cinema?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why won't they hire any blondes as pharmacists?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Internet

Rumour has it that one of the world's leading network services refused to let a customer give his correct snail mail address on his home page because he lives in Scunthorpe, England!

Email sigs & similar brevities

Bad typists of the word untie, you have nothing too loose but your chins - quote from Kar Parx "Communist Manyfattoes" [1st clause J. Feltham, Queensland, Australia, email sig; 2nd clause suggested by Ken J. Hudd; pathetic author acknowledgement added by me]

Lysdexics of the world untie, there is no dog [Kathryn Graham, USA, email sig]

Spell chequers of the word untie [My variation on the theme]

Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man; socialism is the reverse [Polish proverb]

Human life is a sexually transmitted fatal disease [Sorry, my words]

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it [Sorry again - forgotten the source, but it wasn't me]

When God created man she was only joking [Jane Williams, Stevenage, England (my daughter) email sig]

When God created woman he was mis-heard - he actually said "Woe, man!" [My reply to the above]

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you [Terry Pratchett in "Small Gods"]

Customer Care- The Next Generation
Please solve all your problems in advance ... so we can help you more easily
[From a local Mensa newsletter]

Help preserve wildlife - pickle a squirrel [source forgotten]

They say money talks, but it only says "Goodbye" to me [Heard on BBC Radio 2, from a listener]

Murphy's extended law: If something can go wrong it will; if it can't go wrong, it's even more certain to. [my extension]

Psychiatrists say that one in four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. [Guardian newspaper, but not original]

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. [Guardian newspaper, but not original]

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque. [Guardian newspaper, but not original]

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. [Guardian newspaper, but not original]

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. [Guardian newspaper, but not original]

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. [Guardian newspaper, but not original]

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. [Guardian newspaper, but not original]

Law of Probability of Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. [Guardian newspaper, but not original]

Things get worse with every improvement [Alan Whitaker]

Model husband: a very small replica of the real thing [Murray Watts in "Rolling in the Aisles"]

Persuasion rules OK - just this once [origin unknown]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather
not screaming and in terror like his passengers [from Big Ron's Hedonistic Society Humour Page]

Q. Who controls a company's management information system?
A. The MIS-manager. [I managed to originate this one]

Q. How many British lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. A solicitor to give the instructions, a junior barrister to interpret the instructions and carry out preliminary analysis of the problem, and a QC to present the bulb to the socket. The combined fees are guaranteed to exceed the value of the lamp. [I plead guilty to this one]

If you want a long summer, lend some money due for repayment in the autumn [my modification of an original]

Some people who are not paid what they are worth, ought to be glad.[Origin uknown]

If you can count your money, you're not rich enough yet.[my modification of an original]

Horrorscopes

Capricorn (22 Dec - 20 Jan): You're too much of an old goat.
Aquarius (21 Jan - 19 Feb): Try not to be so wet.
Pisces (20 Feb - 20 Mar): Don't tell any lies today; they'll sound too fishy.
Aries (21 Mar - 20 Apr): No need to be sheepish.
Taurus (21 Apr - 21 May): A few may be great studs, but most get the chop, so watch it!
Gemini (22 May - 21 Jun): Don't get pregnant unless you want twins.
Cancer (22 Jun - 22 Jul): Don't be crabby.
Leo (23 Jul - 22 Aug): Work hard; lion about won't get you anywhere
Virgo (23 Aug - 22 Sep): Who are you trying to kid?
Libra (23 Sep - 22 Oct): You need to lose weight.
Sagittarius (23 Nov - 21 Dec): Get up to date. The Battle of Agincourt was last year.
Scorpio (23 Oct - 22 Nov): I left this till last to provide a sting in the tail.
In all cases (1 Jan - 31 Dec): If January starts the year off badly, don't worry - there's only another 11 months to go
[My fault again]

Do it

Accountants do it on spreadsheets.
Runners do it in their trainers [from Helen Coleman, my younger daughter]
Lutonians do it in Beds. [For those not familiar with British geography, Luton is in Bedfordshire, usually abbreviated to Beds.]


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