National Union of Fairies, Sprites, Elves and Dropouts
Constitution of The National Union of Fairies, Sprites, Elves and Dropouts (Initial draft)
The union shall be called The National Union of Fairies, Sprites, Elves and Dropouts, or in abbreviated form as NUFSED.
The objects of the Union shall be to minimise the workload and maximise the income, alcohol consumption and sexual gratification of the members, and especially of the Life President.
3.1 Members of the Union shall be those qualified fairies, sprites, elves and dropouts (and anybody else) who pay the required subscription each year.
3.2 Qualification for membership shall consist of being willing (if female) and able (if male).
The Officers of the Union shall be:
4.1 Life President, who shall be the author of this constitution
4.2 Chairman, who shall be elected at the Annual General Meeting
4.3 Secretary, who shall be elected at the Annual General Meeting
4.4 Treasurer, who shall be the Life President
4.5 Membership Secretary, who shall be the Treasurer
5. Membership subscriptions
5.1 Members shall pay a membership subscription annually to the Membership Secretary.
5.2 The membership subscription for male members shall be one bottle of alcoholic beverage selected at the time by the Membership Secretary (unless, in the first year, the subscription is paid through the incentive scheme).
5.3 The membership subscription for female members shall be a night with either the Life President, the Treasurer or the Membership Secretary, whichever is preferred (unless, in the first year, the subscription is paid through the incentive scheme). Note, however, that in the highly unlikely event that the three officers mentioned are all either satiated or otherwise incapacitated, then the Chief Fairy Shop Steward may be substituted for them for the purpose of this sub-clause (so now stop complaining about lack of perks Mr. C.F.S.S.).
5.4 Any existing member on renewing their membership subscription may have the payment waived on introducing at least three new members who pay their subscriptions as defined in sub-clause 5.2 or 5.3 as appropriate or through the members' recruitment incentive scheme (click here for details).
6. Annual General Meeting
This shall take place each year at a different distillery or pub each time (on the grounds that no such establishment is likely to accept us a second time, and if they would then we don't want to frequent that sort of place - there are limits, even for us). The use of a brewery has been ruled out because it was found to be too difficult to arrange the necessary alcoholic refreshments there. (In case anyone should think this demonstrates incompetence, it should be pointed out that the secretary arranging it hasn't been elected yet, so he/she [whichever it turns out to be] was, at some time in the future, trying to manipulate what for him/her was/will be the past. I hope that's clear.)
The establishment hosting our meeting will be expected to provide the refreshments free of charge, and to show their appreciation of the honour of having us use their premises by providing appropriate levels of financial sponsorship (and if they fail, they had better watch out for what angry fairies, goblins and witches can do to the quality of their products - and to them personally).
The business of the Annual General Meeting shall be:
a) Minutes of the last meeting.
b) Matters arising from the minutes.
c) Reports of officers.
d) Election of Chairman and Secretary for the ensuing year.
e) Any other business, provided that it shall consist only of booze and sex.
Note that there is absolutely no provision for motions of no confidence in any of the officers. Such motions are not permitted under any circumstances. Anyone attempting to move such a motion will be automatically and instantly expelled from membership and from the meeting. Don't try it. The trolls are ready and waiting to act - and they are liable to get carried away and axecute offenders (they are armed with axes). You have been warned!
Any meeting, whether General or not, which begins on 31st October must have a bar extension until at least 3:30a.m. and preferably (much) longer. This is to provide for witches who work from midnight until 12:30a.m. and need refreshment when they finish. This is in no way to suggest that there would be any objection (from us) to a similar bar extension for other meetings.
8. Standing Orders
The standing orders for the conduct of meetings of the Union shall be:
a) Do as you're told by the Life President.
Other orders (standing or seated) will be placed at the bar. If you can no longer stand or sit, you've had enough and are (literally) out of order.
9. Working conditions and rates of pay
9.1 Working conditions for members working for non-members shall include unlimited quantities of free drinks, of a type specified by the member to suit his/her taste, and free unlimited access to willing and able members of the opposite sex.
9.2 Pay shall be at an hourly rate at least 25% higher than it was in the previous month, with the starting rate at £200 per quarter-hour shift.
9.3 Duties requiring sitting or standing on top of a Christmas tree shall be paid at double the normal rate (doubled again at weekends and bank holidays).
9.4 Removal of teeth from under pillows shall be paid at quadruple rate, except when the person sleeping on the pillow is over 16 years of age and of opposite sex to the member on duty, in which case the obvious benefit in kind may be substituted.
9.5 Members required to work as assistants to Father Christmas shall be known as Subordinate Clauses.
10. Alterations to Constitution and Standing Orders
10.1 No proposal to change this Constitution or the Standing Orders may be considered unless it shall enhance the objects as defined in clause 2.
10.2 If the proposal is acceptable under sub-clause 10.1 and applies specifically to the last five words of clause 2, then it shall be carried unanimously. Anyone voicing opposition or voting against shall be immediately expelled from membership and the vote retaken.
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