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Lister

Full name: Dave Lister
Type: Human (barely)
Rank: Third Technician on the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship Red Dwarf.
Been with JMC for 8 months, number RD52169
Likes: Vindaloos and Kochanski and Wilma Flintstone (even the cat agrees on Wilma).
Dislikes: Arnold Judas Rimmer and the fact Wilma will never leave Fred.
Age: 3,000,000 + (Around late 20's probably)
ORIGINS: Found abandoned under a pool table in The Aigburth Arms, Liverpool, November 26th, 2155 in a cardboard box.
Was adopted but his step-father soon died;Dave was told that his Father had gone to the same place as his goldfish. Later Lister was taken to child psychologist when found with his head down the toilet bowl tring to reading his dad the footy results.
Childhood: Spent time scrumping (for cars), stealing hotel bedrooms (entire room, actually. Armchair, dressing-table, carpet, even the fitted wardrobe but not the Towels)
Lost virginity at the age of 12 to Michelle Fisher on Bootle Municipal Golf Course, hole 5, par 4 dogleg to the right in a bunker behind the green.
Status: Married due to need of O.G. unit for Starbug (Long story).
Children: Gave birth to Jim and Bexley plus father to Himself(?)
Skills: Being a Space Bum and playing the Guitar(Honest) also proved himself to be an 'Ace pool/planet player' in WhiteHole. Has written 'The Indling Song' and the definitive 'Om'
Education: Minimal, Failed all exams. Spent 97 minutes at art college (Left coz there were lectures first thing in afternoon).
Alter Egos: Sebastian Doyle (half brother of William), Brett Riverboat (Knife man), detective Philip in the game 'Gumshoe' and Spanners in Ace's reality(also married to Kochanski in that reality with 2 sons).
Former Occupation: Ten years as a Trolley Attendant at Sainsbury's Megamarket, Liverpool, Earth (left because didn't want to get tied down to a job).
Hobbies: Slobbing, Eating, Zero Gee Football, Baiting Rimmer, Durex Volleyball.
Musical Tastes: Rasta Billy Skank. First song learnt on guitar: 'Shes out of my life'
Favourite Film: It's a wonderful life

Played by: Craig Charles (B.D. 11 July 19??)

Craig Charles appeared on the Full Motty with a poetic tribute to John Motson - Audio samples are avail from here in Real audio and MP3 format

 

Major Events

Step-father died when Lister was 6.

Dave Lister is the last human alive(except for Kochanski but she came from a alternative dimension so she doesn't count).

Lister was also sentenced to 18 months in stasis for bringing on board a Cat (called Frankenstein which was pregnant).

Unfortunately Lister ended up being kept in suspended animation for 3 million years instead of 18 months due to a radiation leak.

Seeing himself at the age of 171 in Future Echoes. (The Old Lister has a Bionic Arm)

Took the Chefs Exam to pull rank on Rimmer in Balance of Power. he failed the exam tho.

Lister becomes pregnant (during Parallel Universe) which concludes with the successful delivery of twin boys, Jim and Bexley. However, because the boys were conceived in another universe, with different physical laws, they suffer from highly accelerated growth rates and are both eighteen years old within three days of being born. In order to save their lives, Lister returns them to the universe of their origin, where they are reunited with their father (a woman), and are able to lead comparatively normal lives. Well, as normal as you can be if you've been born in a parallel universe and your father's a woman and your mother's a man and you're eighteen years old three days after your birth.

Tasting an edible Pot Noodle in Demons & Angels.

Finding out who his `REAL` Parents are in Ouroboros.

Losing all the Indian Food Supplies in `Tikka To Ride`. (The laser cannon breached the main water tank and flooded supply deck B. They didn't stand a chance.)

Contracting a fatal disease in Epideme, which also resulted in Kryten cutting off his right arm in an attempt to get rid of Epideme.
WATCH Nanarchy to find out MORE!

 

How did Lister end up on Red Dwarf?

To find out the full details read 'Infinity Welcomes Carefully Drivers' which explains it all but basically it starts when Lister and Some Mates partake on a Monopoly Pub crawl to celebrate Lister's 25 birthday. The idea was to have a drink on every square of the monopoly board, by the time they got to Oxford Street only 4 remain and only two have the power of speech. Unfortunately none of them can remember which square is next so Lister goes off to buy a board so they can find out where next to go.

The last thing Lister can remember, is seeing on his way to buy the board he sees a sign advertising something about cheap travel on Virgin's new sub-light zippers and Saturn been the heart of the Solar system.

The next thing he knows he wakes up slumped on a table in McDonald's on Mimas, wearing a lady's pink crimplene hat and a pair of yellow fishing waders, with no money and a passport in the name of 'Emily Berkenstein' and an annoying rash.

It is on Mimas where he signs up for a tour of duty on Red Dwarf and meets up with Rimmer again (To find out why it's again read Infinity Welcomes Carefully drivers) in an attempt to get back to Earth after the monopoly pub crawl goes 793 million miles from Liverpool wrong.

Notable Facts about Lister aka Cloister the Stupid

Lister is the Cat people's God, after the cat he brought on board Red Dwarf gets sealed in the ventilation after the radiation leak and breed over the 3,000,000 years into super evolved Felines.

In his childhood he went scrumping for cars. Lister also stole the bed ,Armchair, dressing-table, carpet. and even the fitted wardrobe. from a hotel to furnish his flat. (Left the towels tho)

Lister Parked Red Dwarf around a blue green planet and couldn't remember which one (It was actually nicked by some unusual creatures).

Lister is married to hackhackhack ach hachhachac (The daughter of the chief of the Kinitawowi Gelf tribe, one of many daughters but she is the looker) in exchange for an O.G.(Oxygen Generation Unit) for Starbug in Emohawk-Polymorph II.

Once took a sledge hammer to Talkie Toaster (patent applied for).

Once caught a two-pound black ribbed nobler in the Local cannal.

Gave Birth to Twins (Jim and Bexley) after a fling with Deb in Parallel Universe.

Involved in the assassination of JFK along with Cat, Kryten, Rimmer and this other bloke.

Managed to Kill a Simulant in Justice. (With help of the Justice field)

Once tried to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich after one night with those pipes.

Keeps his trainners in the fridge.

Once played tongue hockey with Caroline Carmen (RIP) in Epideme (with some nasty after effects)

Lister is claustrophobic (see Below).

Kryten's Nanobots were found in Lister's Laundry basket, exploring a Macro universe :)#

Was charged with stealing & crashing of a starbug and with having no pilots licence& also smuggling two stowaways onboard. (Sentence if convicted: 2 years in the brig)

Was found innocent on orginal charges along with the others, But was found guilty of using classified information from the crew's confidential files to their own ends which carries a statutory sentence of 2 years ( So, instead of the original charge and a possible sentence of two years
in the brig they've been found guilty on another charge, and got an entirely different two years in the brig.)

Signs Cat, Rimmer, Kryten, Kochanski and himself up for Canaries think they are a singing group.

Lister Logic: In an attemp to make up with Kochanski after sher finds out about the the 3 hour shower night, Lister decides to send her some flowers but can't get any so instead he plans to send Two bags of flour.
The only flaw was pointed out by Rimmer :

Rimmer: I can just see her reading the card: "Dear Kris, I'm really sorry for ogling you and the girls in the shower yesterday for three gob-smacking hours of steamy fun. To make up for it, and to indicate how truly sorry I am, here's two bags of self-raising. Something I didn't need any help with yesterday."

Was sentenced to 2 week Spud Duty along with Rimmer after inserting a capsule of truth serum, into Ackerman' asthma inhaler which is why Ackerman rushed onto the bridge, apologised for being late, saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy' with the Science Officer's wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit.


Captain's Comments from the crew's confidential reports

David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhoea on no less than 500 occasions.
Left his previous job as a megamarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career.
Promotion prospects: zero."

Description of Lister from Binks of the Enlightenment (The holoship)
A human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological age: mid-20s, physical age: 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily
ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that of no value or interest.

 

Why is Lister claustrophobic(extract from Duct soup)

I was seventeen, working in the MegaMart, part time, as a trolley-parker. After a couple of months I fell in love with cashier number four...
She was 22; come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes... And there was just something about the way she held her pricing gun that made me crash m' trolleys. <sigh>
We started seeing each other, in the stock room, at break time --

CAT
She gave you claustrophobia?? I didn't think you could get it like
that...

LISTER
No...
She was married to this bald bloke who used to serve the fish; ten years older than me. He was more interested in this amateur dramatics group he used to run than her. One evening, we were both on the late shift; we snuck into the stock room; started makin' love on a box of tinned asparagus.
After a couple of minutes - about half way through, I was seventeen - she leapt up and said: "There's someone at the door!", so I jumped into this wooden packing crate; it was 'im!
He asked what the *hell* she was doing lying on a box of reduced, tinned, dented veg with no kit on. She said she was trying to get an all-over tan from the lightbulb. He was havin' none of that.
He sealed me up in the box and said he was gonna drop me in the canal - he drove me out there! I was *screamin'* at him, *pleadin'*: "let me out!"; promised him anything, said I'd never see her again, "just let me out!"
In the end, he relented, and I heard the box being opened. I stepped out, bollock naked, right in the middle of the Bootle-players' amateur production of "The Importance Of Being Earnest"...

CAT
Boy, that's enough to freak anyone out!