RED DWARF SEEKS BLUE GIANT FOR BINARY RELATIONSHIP

                        A NOVEL BY KAREN S. MAULDIN


               BASED ON THE NOVEL, TV SHOW AND CHARACTERS OF
                         ROB GRANT AND DOUG NAYLOR






Third Draft                                            Karen S. Mauldin
Copyright 1993                                    102 Furman Ave.
Approximately 72,300 words                             Apartment 30
                                                  Asheville,NC  28801


                                 PART ONE




                             THE ODDEST COUPLE







                                CHAPTER ONE


     Holly just couldn't make up his mind.  That is, she just couldn't make up
her mind.  That is, the computer had been so messed up after being alone for
3,000,000 years, and alone with four very weird, very stupid humanoids for the
last four, that he/she had finally decided that it was his/her prerogative what
sex he/she could be - it was only an image after all.  He/she was superior to all
the human vermin - and even the holograms had to live with the body they had
recorded with.  The thought of the stupid "H" on Rimmer's forehead made Holly
laugh for a full ten nanoseconds before he/she went back to deciding whether her
image was to be male or female.  His/her male image was nothing to write home
about - a middle-age man going a little too bald.  And that insane hologram and
that slob of a man, Lister, had to insult him/her for his/her one try at fixing
the baldness!  Well, they were men, after all.  Wouldn't it be fun to give them
a woman they could never, ever get close to, be with, or touch - not even Lister! 
It made Holly laugh for another fifty nanoseconds.  Then he/she decided it was
time.  She checked out the ship to make sure all 9,994 decks were running and in
order, all life support O.K., all debris out of the way of the ship, and that
Rimmer and Lister hadn't gotten to the homicide level of their argument yet, and
then took a full million nanoseconds to change her ugly male face to a nice,
blonde 25-year-old girl, like he always wanted to make.  Then she returned to the
running of the ship.




                                CHAPTER TWO

     "What is it you called me?" whined Rimmer for the fiftieth time that half-
hour.
     "You heard what I said," said Lister, madder than he'd ever been at the
insane hologram Holly had brought back as a companion for him.
     "You said 'Gazpacho head'," whined Rimmer, thinking, painfully, of the
second worst thing that had ever happened to him.
     "That's right." yelled Lister, thinking, "wouldn't it be fun to erase that
smegging hologrammatic bastard once and for all."
     "But you promised never to mention that again."
     "Maybe I did.  But you hadn't ruined our only way back to Earth just then."
     "I did not ruin our only way back to Earth."
     "Then how do you explain the Lightjumper flying out of the cargo bay?"
     "I didn't do that!  It was the skutters that pushed the wrong switch!"
     "They only did what you told them to do!"
     "Still, you can't blame me for that!  I didn't actually do it!"  Rimmer
shivered at the thought of his embarrassing mistake, which he knew he did, but
had to blame on the skutters in order to keep his sanity.
     "Of course you did it!  You've trained those skutters now - that's no
longer a valid argument!"
     "All right, I admit, I did it, I guess.  But the point is, it's all over
and done with now.  We can't get back right now, maybe we'll find some other
way."
     "And maybe we won't.  Anyway, if we do, I don't want you putting your
smeggin' hands into it, got it?"
     "But I just wanted to help.  Besides, how can you expect me to stay sane
on this crazy ship with only you, that ultra-vain Cat, and Kryten for company? 
I've got insomnia, paranoia, depression, anxiety, and both deep inferiority and
Napoleonic complexes, judging by my fantasy, so the least you can do is try to
help me - not keep calling me names."
     "All right, all right, but how can I help you?  And, frankly, how can you
help me?"
     "What if you could find me a companion, a real companion."
     "You don't really expect me to live with two of you around again."
     "That's not what I meant.  I mean a female, preferably."  Rimmer smiled,
thinking of his one day of fun aboard the Enlightenment with Nirvana Crane, the
only woman who ever loved him and whom he'd never see again.
     "But you lost the Lightjumper, so how can I get you another hologram?"
     "Ask Holly.  He'll know."
     "I'll know what?" asked Holly, coming on the screen in their living
quarters as the blonde female.
     There was a very, very long silence followed by an even longer time when
no one talked.  Finally, Rimmer couldn't take it anymore.
     "I can't believe it!" he said.  "You actually went through with the sex
change.  I'm sorry, I should have said 'she'll know'."
     Lister just stood there and stared for another twenty minutes while Holly
and Rimmer chatted about genders and companions.
     "Well, what do you think, Lister?" asked Holly, finally, "or did someone
give you catatonia?"
     "Who you callin' Catatonia?" asked Cat, coming into the living quarters,
staring at the new female head, "I ain't no Tonia.  And who's this woman head?"
      When Cat came into the room, Lister finally snapped out of it.  Then he
fainted.  Rimmer yelled at him for a few minutes until Kryten, hearing the noise,
came in with a large pitcher of cold water and poured it all on Lister's prone
form.
     When he came to, he was soaking wet everywhere.  "Why'd you have to do
that?" he yelled at Kryten.
     "I am sorry, Mr. David," said Kryten, "but I believe that the right thing
to do when someone has fainted is to put cold water on their face to get them out
of that state."
     "Thanks for nothing."
     "What is the matter with Holly?" asked Kryten, looking at the screen.
     "I believe she has had a bit of a sex-change, me old man." Rimmer smiled
at Kryten's disbelief.
     "You mean I wasn't nutty when I saw that blonde girl on the screen?  I
thought I musta been dreaming or something!"  Lister shook his head.
     "No, no, don't get worked up!  He/she's been contemplating it for at least
a day - and please get some dry clothes on - you stink!"
     "You stink too - but how did you know?"
     "Oh, I had a chat with her about lads and lassies a day or so ago."        "Don't
go talkin' 'bout no lassies, boy!" interjected Cat.
     "I did it just for you, Listy," said Holly in the sexiest voice she could
synthesize.
     "Why?  Why?" said Lister, wringing out his soaking clothes.
     "Just to drive you crazy."




                               CHAPTER THREE
     Two weeks later, Cat and Lister were having the Red Dwarf Championship
Four-Deck War Match, with, of course, two bridge sets of ancient cards they found
among Chen's things in vacuum storage.  They were neck-to-neck, and Lister just
put down an ace.
     "You got 'im now, my man!" roared Rimmer, the right-hand spectator, through
a non-hologrammatic air-microphone.
     Cat put down an ace also.
     "Mr. Arnold, did you say that war becomes war only when both put down the
same card?" yelled Kryten, the left-hand spectator, just as loudly.
     "That's right.  Now the heat is on.  Who shall come out on top?"
     "Can't you shut up for just a second?  I'm concentrating!" yelled Lister.
     "He's actually thinking - this is truly a day of days!" smirked Rimmer.
     "Just shut up!" yelled Lister, livid.
     "I won't, that is, until you get me that female companion I was talking
about.  After all, what is a man without a woman?  God made them man and woman
-and what would Antony be without Cleopatra?  What would Romeo be without
Juliet?"
     ". . . alive," interjected Lister.
     "Oh, bad one.  Well, what would Napoleon be without Josephine?  What would
Ferdinand be without Isabella?  What would Victoria be without Albert?. . ."
     "Will you shut up!" roared Lister, throwing his two decks of cards right
through Rimmer.
     "That was cruel!" cried Rimmer.
     "Well, I had to get you to shut up.  You can't go on and on about men and
women.  Even when you were alive and there were thousands of women here, you
still spent your weekends in a stasis booth."
     "Well, what of it!  Are you saying if I had, I'd be alive now?"
     "No, but you would've had a lot more fun in the meantime."
     "Play your cards, man - I'm gettin' bored," interjected Cat.
     "If this boneheaded git here would just shut up, I would."
     "Shut up, boneheaded git!" mimicked Cat.
     "I just won't take this!", screamed Rimmer, turning as red as their ship. 
"I will keep talking until some person that will, for now go nameless, will agree
to try to help me find a woman to be with!" 
     "All right, all right!  I will!  Now leave me alone," sighed Lister.
     "Thank you, you may go on, now,"  condescended Rimmer, concentrating on the
play-by-play again.
     Lister put down his three cards and came up on the fourth with the Queen
of Hearts.
     "Good card!"  Rimmer gave a sly, victorious smile.
     "I said shut up!" roared Lister with blinding hatred in his eyes.
     Cat put down his three cards and came up with the Ten of Diamonds.
     "You got him now!" smiled Rimmer.
     "Shut the smeg up!" yelled Lister, ready to throw his cards again.
     Lister and Cat played in concentrated silence for another ten minutes until
Cat had only three cards left.  Then Holly came on the screen the living area.
     "I think I can help you, Rimmer," she said.
     "Will you shut up!" screamed Lister.  "I'm concentratin'!"
     "I realize that, Lister, but I am talking about something that could help
all our sanities."  (Holly wondered about the grammatical correctness of this
sentence, but went on.)  "What I mean is, I believe I have located a planet
within four days from here which contains a completely run down, useless, ancient
computer of the very same type as myself."
     "You shouldn't insult yourself like that, Holly," smirked Rimmer.
     "What I mean is that that computer had a certain reserve of chips and disk
players in vacuum storage, according to my records."
     Rimmer thought for a moment, then said, "You mean to tell me a few chips
and an extra player is all I need?  Why didn't you tell me this before?" 
     "I didn't think you could take it.  And I didn't want you vermin, I mean,
men, scrounging around the electronic sections of the cargo decks in hopes of
finding some.  I didn't get any extra."
     "So now we can get some."
     "That's the long and short of it," said Holly."
     "Holly - just set course for that planet and tell us when we reach it,"
interjected Lister.
     "All right," said Holly, as her image blinked out.
     The next play, Lister and Cat both got a ten.  In the war, Cat got an eight
and Lister a king.  The game went on and on for another five boring days of card
playing (for Cat and Lister), talking (and yelling for silence), fighting, and
hoping (on Rimmer's part), before, with Lister down to one card, Holly appeared
on the screen again.




                               CHAPTER FOUR
     "We're nearing the orbit of the planet," Holly blinked onto the screen in
the living quarters.
     "Will you shut up, you bodiless bitch!" screamed Lister, going slightly
insane after six straight days of card playing with very little food or sleep,
and Rimmer and Holly, not to mention Kryten, interrupting all the time.  His
nerves just weren't that good.
     "Very well, I won't tell you.  I shall discuss it with Rimmer.  Rimmer,
when do you wish to go down to the planet?"
     "As soon as possible.  With Kryten and Cat, of course."
     "You can't take Cat!" Lister got off his seat and gave Rimmer an evil look.
     "I thought you weren't part of this discussion?"  glared Rimmer.
     "I am now.  Give me ten minutes and we can talk all you want.  I just want
to prove to this smegging feline alley cat that I'm the best war player on this
ship."
     "And I'll show this unfashionable, bad taste human that I am," retorted
Cat, not very convincingly.
     "Very well, finish your game, then we'll discuss it.  What children!" Holly
blinked out.
     The next play it was revealed that Cat's only card was a nine.  Lister's
first card was a jack, so the game was over.  Lister did a very weak touch-up
shuffle, then dropped onto his bunk.
     Holly came on the screen a second later.
     "Now that you're done your silly game, we can discuss business."
     "It wouldn't be a silly game to you if you had to live like we live,"
snapped Lister.
     "All right, your great, world-shaking tournament, then.  Anyway, the
planet's in sight.  Who wants to fly Starbug?"
     "I would, but that's not possible," said Rimmer.
     "I know that," smirked Holly.  "Lister, are you up to it?"
     "If we go tomorrow afternoon, I could do it."
     "All right, then you do it tomorrow afternoon."
     "What is it exactly that we need when we get down there?" asked Rimmer.
     "I believe you should need about three hundred million jigabytes of memory,
enough to fill my Extended Memory Board and one fairly good hologram disk-player. 
Also, a male plug-in with a female plug-out, with maybe a gender-changer if you
can't find the right plug-ins and -outs, to get the disk player hooked up to the
Board."
     "What nonsense are you talking?  You're still stuck on that gender thing,"
smirked Rimmer.  "Besides, everybody knows they are called 'gigabytes', not
'jigabytes.'"
     "No, I am using the correct names for the memory units.  And it is
'jigabytes' according to Emmet Brown."
     "Who on Io is Emmet Brown?"
     "Actually, he was on Earth - a character in one of my favorite late-
twentieth century movies - 'Back to the Future,'" Holly smiled.
     "No matter, it is 'gigabytes', even if it was 'jigawatts,'" smirked Rimmer.
     "Very well, do you know what these chips and disks look like - and for that
matter - where this storage is and how to get into it?" Lister interrupted.
     "Yes."
     "Well, then, tell us about it when we come to it.  For now, let's celebrate
the victory, then get a good night-and-morning's sleep," exalted Lister.
     "As long as you don't get us drunk again."  
     "As if I could make you drink, ha!"




                               CHAPTER FIVE
     The next day all four of them boarded one of the Starbugs.  After the worst
ride yet (Lister still couldn't understand spaceship gears and, on top of that,
was having his worst hangover yet - and that felt like Hurricane Andrew between
his ears) - for it was full of bumps, slides, and meteor-showers, they landed on
a hill in a desert-type world.  
     After painfully getting out of the Bug in their spacesuits - that is,
Lister wore a regulation silver one and Cat wore his high-style sequined one -
Kryten and Rimmer didn't need any, they headed toward a large, rusted-out ruin
in the nearest valley.
     "Is the computer really in there?" asked Rimmer irrelevantly.
     "Where would you think it would be - Disneyland?" smirked Holly.
     They walked in silence for another hour, then they were actually at the
building.  Lister tried to open the door, but it fell down in a large shower of
dust, covering everyone and everything, including a large piece of metal flying
through Rimmer.  Then, in anger, Lister ran right through the place, the rest
followed a few feet behind him.  He passed the chamber before Holly said, "It's
that door to your left - oh, you missed it!"
     Lister went back, the rest following him still in queue formation.  This
door didn't disintegrate at his touch - and he couldn't get it unlocked.  "How
do you open this thing?" he asked.
     "Easy - you put in the combination on that lock to the right."
     Lister saw the lock and he was about to put the combination for his own
luggage-locker on Mimas (where he slept for six months, but that's another
story), when he realized that couldn't be the combination.  "O.K., dumb blonde,
tell me what the combination is!"
     "Sorry,"  Holly frowned.  "I believe this one went 2 to the right, 115 to
the left, 20 to the right, 67 to the left, 14 to the right, 52 to the left, 10
to the right, 190 to the left. . ."
     "Slow down, slow down!  I've only got the 2, the 115, the 20, and the 67. 
What's after that?"
     "All right.  14 to the right. . .52 to the left. . ."
     This combination consisted of exactly 137 numbers, it being a very
sensitive, expensive vacuum storage unit on a hostile planet.  Cat snoozed for
the hour it took.  Kryten and Rimmer talked about computers, without knowing a
thing about computers, for that hour, basically driving Lister nuts and making
him go even slower.
     Finally, Lister programmed the last number and the door opened.  Inside was
only about 2 feet of open space.  There was a ten-foot-high shelf full of
Hologram Disk Player Units, and the rest of the space was about four hundred
square miles of computer chips, whose model number was the same as the one Holly
had given an image of to Lister right before take-off.  They all stared in utter
amazement.  "Pretty good, huh?"  Holly smiled brightly.
     "Well, don't just stand there - start loading them onto the Bug!" ordered
Rimmer.
     "All right, all right!  Just stay out of my way.  By the way, Holly, how
many chips does it take to make 300 million jigabytes, excuse me, Rimmer, I mean,
gigabytes?"
     "Well, each chip holds the usual 10,000 jigabytes," said Holly, as if
everyone knew that.
     "How many chips is that?  You know I'm not good at math."
     "It comes to 30,000 chips."
     "How many chips are there in a box?"
     "Let me see a box."  Lister held his wrist-monitor up to the nearest chip-
box.
     "It seems to be 1,000 chips per box."
     "So we have to get thirty boxes."
     "I'd get forty, if I were you," said Holly.  "I may need some extra-extra
memory.  And take three Disk Players, too - you never know what we may run into."
     "O.K."
     That day, after lugging forty heavy boxes and three incredibly light
holodisk players, along with a few odd cables and light-bees, into Starbug,
flying back to Red Dwarf, and unloading them in a room Holly said was right next
to her sacred Extended Memory Room, which no human had ever gone into (she was
wrong), they went right to sleep.  Rimmer tried to keep them up, but they'd had
enough of Rimmer for the next year.
     But the next morning, Lister was woken up by a very bad serenade of "Maria"
to some unknown girl at 5:00 A.M.  Rimmer said they had to get to work. 
Reluctantly, Lister agreed.  They got Cat and Kryten up and they all went to the
sacred room.
     Holly only let them in when they agreed to wear bright yellow plastic
decontamination suits (Cat wouldn't get into his until he had it dyed black,
embroidered, sequined, and velveted an hour later).  Rimmer, of course, didn't
need one, but to seem part of the crowd, Holly simulated one for him.  They
entered and surveyed the strange place.
     It was the ugliest room any of them had ever seen, consisting of four iron-
grey walls.  One of the walls had what they rightly took to be the Extended
Memory Board - what it was was 240,000 little holes for 40,000 six-holed 10,000-
gigabyte chips.  (Forty boxes was right after all).  Lister stared at it in
disbelief.  Kryten immediately opened a box and started putting little chips in
the little holes.
     Rimmer ordered, "Time to get to work!"
     "Shut up!" yelled Lister.
     Lister, Kryten, and Cat spent the next two hours in relative silence
inserting little chips in little holes until it was enough to drive Lister crazy,
especially with Rimmer's intense eyes watching every little chip go into every
little hole.
     "Are you just going to spend all day looking at us put these smegging
little chips in these smegging little holes?" asked Lister, whacked out, with
eyes twirling with the strain.
     "Well, what else am I to do?" asked Rimmer.
     "Why don't you try to figure out who to bring back?"
     "I was kind of wanting to wait for that until we had the Player hooked up,
you know, too much hope and all that."
     "Well, I think that's a bunch of rot!"
     "All right, then, tell me, who would you bring back?  And don't say
Kristine Kochanski!"
     "Kristine Kochanski."  Lister's eyes shined.
     "I told you she doesn't count."
     "And why doesn't she?"
     "Didn't you learn anything from Better-Than-Life?"
     "You mean, she'd never be like the Kristine I married in Bedford Falls?"
     "Exactly.  You know she never really loved you."
     "How do you know?"
     Rimmer ignored the question.  "Besides, how would bringing her back as a
hologram help you?  You couldn't exactly touch her - and you wouldn't let me
touch her, which is the main reason I want a companion anyway."
     "All right.  What about that girl you lost your virginity to?"
     "How did you know about that?"
     "I have means."
     "You are talking about Yvonne McGruder, the wrestling champ."
     "Of course, I was her biggest fan."
     "I see.  So you want me to bring a big, muscular, body-minded wrestler back
as a hologram."
     "No, you're right."
     "So you have no recommendations."
     "Not just now.  I have to concentrate on putting these . . ."
     "I know, bloody chips in these bloody holes, you've been saying that for
the last two hours.  Well, Cat, who do you think I should bring back?"
     "The human female with the biggest titties."
     "You're no help at all!  What about you, Kryten?"
     "Why do you not bring back someone who is very neat and knows something
about mechanoids."
     "I can't think of anyone on the ship that fits that.  Oh, well, I guess
I'll have to wait until the Disk Machine is hooked up."
     "No, no, no!  You've been bugging us the whole time we've been here.  Tell
you what, why don't you go down to the Disk Library and pick out someone yourself
- and, if you still have trouble, ask Holly?  She picked you, after all."
     "Good point."
     With that, Rimmer left the other three to do their ultra-boring task alone. 
He went down to the Disk Library.  There, concentrating every inch of his small
will and strength, he read every name on every disk, pausing every once in a
while to think, "Do I really like any of these people?"  He kept returning to
one, remembering her expressive hazel eyes, her many and varied talents, then
what she had witnessed, then continuing.  Then he'd go back and remember the
longing, the envy, the Great Man she had married.  Then he'd go on.  Finally,
after searching through the whole Library like that four times in four hours (the
men upstairs had just concluded a two-hour break), he called Holly.  She came on
in the second-largest screen in the ship, next to the twice-movie-screen size in
the Drive Room.  This one was only the size of one movie-screen.  She looked like
a monster, but Rimmer was too preoccupied with his own thoughts.  He looked up
and asked, "Can you help me choose a mate?"
     "I should think I could."
     "Then, do a Probability Study, like you did for Lister, when you chose me."
     "Very well - you mean you're going insane and need a companion?"
     "Exactly."
     Holly thought, "It's about time I took control of these men - and he's
playing right into my hands.  I'll make him sane all right!"
     He waited a full minute.  This must be quite a study!
     Holly went right through the crew, matching Rimmer with someone as a
computer-dating computer does.  Likes.  Dislikes.  Favorite movies.  Personality
profile.  IQ.  Interests.  Hobbies.  Rank.  All of these were gone through
thoroughly.
     "Well?"
     "I'm almost done."  She was doing it a third time.
     "Well?"
     "I believe, I have double- and triple-checked, and this female is the
ultimate mate for you."
     "Who is it?" asked Rimmer, shaking at the thought of who he might end up
with.
     "It's a certain person who roomed with a certain person who Lister has the
hots for."
     "No - you were watching me!  That can't be any study!"
     "It is, too!  I was watching you, that's why I did it three times, to be
sure."
     "But is Carver really the best match for me?" he asked, hoping beyond hope
that she might be.
     "She's not only the best match for you, she'd be the biggest help for the
ship as a whole."  Holly glowed with the thought of an actual, expert programmer. 
Her image's eyes twinkled.
     "In what way?"
     "Well, she is the most creative and talented programmer on board.  They
didn't call her 'Guru' for nothing."
     "I always thought that meant she was into Eastern Terran Religions."
     "No, it was short for Computer Guru, an old American slang for one who is
great with computers.  She was my best friend on the ship."  Holly remembered
their long talks while Lister and Kochanski made love (they had the couple
believing that Carver had actually gone to a movie!)
     "Ah-hah!  You are doing it for you, not for me."
     "No, no, that was just a coincidence.  You can check the hologrammatic
hardcopy report.  It's all there - personality, talent, intelligence, hologram-
readiness, knowledge of the ship, knowledge of me, everything - she has
everything all four of you lack!"  She basked in the idea of conversing with a
non-dumbo - someone with an IQ over 100.
     "But she wasn't even an officer."  Envy.
     "How do you know?"
     "Because she was taking the exam in back of me the day of the accident."
     "That's not the only thing she was near you during."  The word 'Gazpacho'
hang in the air, unsaid.
     "Don't you ever mention that again!  That's why I kept going back to her,
then deciding she wasn't right.  But why do you say she was an officer?"
     "Because she passed the Astronavigation exam on the third try (she was in
severe homesickness for her husband the last two times) only a few hours before
the explosion - I saw it!"
     "But had she passed the Console Officer Exam?"
     "With a perfect 100."
     "Then do me a favor.  Stay official - let her come in as a First Console
Technician, not a Fourth Console Officer."
     "Why?  She deserves it."  
     "The arrogance of the hologram!" thought Holly.
     "I don't want my mate looking down on me."
     "Why?  Everyone else does."  Contempt.
     "Very well, do what you want.  But it'll be trouble."
     He came right up to the screen and gave her an evil glare.  She blinked
out.




                                CHAPTER SIX

     The next day, after a night of Rimmer dreaming about making love to Carver,
both in officer's uniforms, and Lister tossing and turning, thinking of Kochanski
and how she left him for that Tony, they all headed down to the Disk Library for
the hologram-birth of a new crew member.
     Rimmer told Lister to hook up the machine, take the disk out he had told
him about, and then they all should leave the room, except for him and Holly.
     "Why?  Don't you think she'll like the looks of us?" asked Lister,
surprised, but not too surprised.
     "No, I just don't want to overload her senses - there is a lot to take in
the first day."
     Lister fumbled around with the cable for over fifteen minutes, finally
getting the right sequence so that all the little holes lined up with all the
little tubes.  With it plugged in, he spent ten minutes pretending not to see
Rimmer's hand pointing at the right disk.  Then he took up Kochanski's disk
instead.  Rimmer caught him and gave him a dirty look, reminding him of her real
feelings.  Lister said it was an accident, but they all knew it wasn't.  Finally,
the right disk was in the player and the machine was turned on.  Lister left,
saying "Good luck!", followed by Cat and Kryten who said nothing.
     Suddenly, a female figure appeared behind Rimmer.  He turned around
sharply.  She was a very striking character.  Her face was fairly plain, except
for the high cheekbones, but her eyes were like lightning that could set fire to
a thousand ships, at least that's what Rimmer thought.  She stood about ten
inches shorter than Rimmer, but with a trim, muscular body.  Rimmer couldn't keep
his eyes off her bazongas, which came as close as he could hope to Juanita's in
his Better-Than-Life fantasy.  She wore a very white officer's uniform with a
little computer symbol over the left breast and a very shiny gold band on the
shoulder.    Finally, he looked up and noticed she had a two-inch high metallic
'H' in the middle of her forehead.  She also had what looked like a two-carat
solitaire diamond ring and three-diamond wedding ring on her left ring finger. 
She stared at Rimmer for a full ten minutes, saying nothing.  Then she turned
around and talked to Holly, not at first noticing the sex-change.  "Where in the
ship am I?  What happened to the Drive Room?  What is First Technician Rimmer
doing as a hologram and why am I wearing an officer's uniform?"
     "One thing at a time," said Rimmer.
     "I was talking to Holly."  Contempt.
     "Well, Holly wants you to talk to me."
     "Very well, first off, in case you can't remember, my name is Charlotte C.
Carver, First Console Technician, you can call me Carver or Charlie or C-cubed,
like my non-programming friends, or Guru, like my programming friends.  But why
are you a hologram?  Are you who I think you are?"
     "I am First Technician Arnold J. Rimmer, at your service.  You can call me
Arnold, or Arnie, or Duke, if you'd like."  He's really pushing it, she thought. 
"I was made a hologram to keep Lister from going insane."
     "Lister - the Third Technician with the cat?"  The rumor had spread
quickly.
     "That's right."
     "What does he have to do with anything."  More contempt.
     "Please, sit down.  This is going to take some explaining."
     "Obviously."  Carver sat on the nearest chair.  Rimmer sat down beside her.
     "To start off, I'd better tell you, you are a hologram."
     "Me?  A hologram?  How can I?  You're the ship's hologram now."  She gave
him a snobby sneer.
     "No, I'm not."
     "You mean, you found the Sacred Room?  How?"  Now we're talking business,
she thought.
     "It's a long story.  But we'll find time later."  Lots and lots of time
later - the more the better, he thought, staring too long at her bosom.
     "Where did you get the chips and drive?"
     "We found them on a planet nearby."
     "But we weren't near any planets except Triton, which didn't have a cheap
chip to buy or steal."
     "That was three million years ago."  There was a very, very long silence
after Rimmer said this, as Carver pondered the implications.
     Finally she said, "Hold on.  Let me get this straight.  I'm a hologram
three million years after we left Triton?  Why aren't we back on Earth?"
     "We never got back to Earth."  He waited a second for her to swallow this. 
"There was an explosion."  Another long pause.  "And Holly took the ship at
maximum speed out to Deep Space.  We're on our way back, though.  But it'll take
another three million years."
     "When was this explosion?  I must have passed my test."  A pause as a sly
smile lit her face.  "I know you didn't - that pathetic splotch!"
     "I thought no one had seen that!"
     "I was sitting right behind you, remember?  And before we get into that,
am I really a hologram?"  Her face showed unrelenting anxiety at the thought.
     "Feel your forehead."
     She gingerly took her long-fingered right hand and felt the middle of her
forehead, then, when her fingers touched the 'H', she jumped up and started
screaming and pulling her hair, running around the room like a maniac.
     Once she was somewhat coherent again, Rimmer asked, bewildered, "What's the
matter?"
     "I'm a hologram!" she yelled.
     "I've said that ten times in the last ten minutes."
     "I know.  I just didn't believe it until now."  Resignation.  She sat down
again.
     "So, what's the matter?  I know it's tough, knowing you're dead."  He
thought of his first days as a hologram and shuddered.
     "It's not that.  No one knew, not even Holly - I'm a Cryptofascist, you
see.  I hate holograms.  I despise the Dirty Deadies!"  Rimmer's face dropped
like a ten-ton weight.  "I even went so far as to erase a good hundred-or-so
disks before the test."
     "You mean, you erased hologram disks?"  Rimmer was for once stunned into
complete silence.
     "Of course, that's what a dedicated Cryptofascist does.  Oh, I've got to
erase myself.  What would Siggy think if he knew I was a hologram?  I'm dead and
yet I'm alive.  I hate myself."  She walked toward the disk drives, but Rimmer
intercepted her half-way.
     "Here, read this," said Rimmer, giving her the hologrammatic version of
Your Own Death and How to Cope With It.
     "Don't you think I've read it?"  She pushed the book away.
     "No."
     "I have."
     "But who is this Siggy?"
     "He's my husband."  That'll show him, she thought.
     "Not anymore.  That was 3 million years ago."
     She mulled that over for a second, then said, "I guess you're right.  Think
anachronistic.  Actually, I don't know why I'm going on like this - and don't
follow my lead and erase me."
     "Not for the world, even if I could."
     "Good.  You see, I erased those disks only because my husband said I had
to be a good Deadie-hater in order to love him.  He was the brains behind the
whole movement.  In fact, he invented the movement, then went off again on
another research tour in the Black Hole."
     "He was on the Black Hole?  That was a very important ship."
     "That's right.  He came up with new engines, new ways of doing things - had
over 200 patents, he did.  But he never went to Deep Space.  Anyway, I only saw
him for three months every five years.  But he called me inter-space every week. 
And every week he told me I should start erasing the disks.  I told him I didn't
want to and he said I had to if I loved him.  I finally gave in and erased the
ninety-two Third Technicians."
     "You mean you erased my disk?" demanded Lister, entering after listening
at the door the whole time.
     "Now, don't go crazy!" warned Carver.  "I did it to prove I loved my
husband.  Which, come to think of it, I really didn't.  He didn't care for me
enough to even go on the same five-year missions."
     "But you erased my disk.  I'll erase you!"  He purposefully strided toward
the disk drives, Rimmer intercepted him.
     "Patience, patience, Listy, me man.  How could she have erased your disk
-we just used it a couple of years ago?  Besides, we found yours among the Third
Console Officers; she probably missed it.  Anyway, we have to hear her whole
story."  He turned toward Carver.  "You're sorry for that, aren't you?"
     "Indeed, I am.  In fact, Holly," she looked up and saw Holly's new face and
just stood there for five minutes.  "Where is Holly, by the way?   And who is
that blonde face in the screen?"
     "That's Holly.  He had a sex-change operation, that is, she changed her
image to female."
     "Wonders never cease.  So you're Third Technician Lister?  I'll have to get
Holly to get you a new disk tomorrow.  Holly, can you set Lister up for another
disk-recording session?  I accidentally erased his disk three million years ago."
     "But I don't need another disk.  I have one.  Besides, who cares, Holly
says she can only carry two holograms."
     "She used to be able to, but now, with my help, she can do four," put in
Carver.
     "What are you talking about?" asked Rimmer, still smiling at the very
thought of Lister being an equal hologram.
     "I mean, before my Console Officer test, I came up with an idea to double
Holly's memory with software alone.  Kind of a mega-gigabyte memory condenser."
     "And you can actually do it?" exalted Rimmer, in heaven all of the sudden.
     "I haven't tried it yet, but I believe it will work.  But I won't do it
until it's necessary.  Wouldn't want to jeopardize the whole ship."
     "Why'd you bring back an officer, Rimmer?  I thought you said she was a
First Console Technician." Lister questioned, wanting desperately to change the
topic.
     "She is, but she passed her test before the accident."
     "And he really didn't want you to show up as an officer, so I did it to irk
him."  Holly smirked.
     "But I don't really need an officer's uniform.  My knowledge speaks for
itself."  Carver ran her hand across the gold officer bar.
     "You mean you don't want it?"  Hope, at last.
     "Not if it'll cause fights among my bunkies.  By the way, what happened to
Kris?"
     "Dead in the explosion, like the rest."
     "And Lister didn't even bring her back?"
     "I wanted to," he said.
     "But I talked him out of it," smirked Rimmer.
     "Good.  Because it was her that finally decided me to erase the Third
Technicians - said they were a bunch of slobby sub-human louts, Lister
especially."
     "Did she really say that?" Lister asked, hoping to God that she was lying.
     "On my honor - and I don't lie."
     "I know she doesn't lie.  She already told me she saw my last test."
     "Saw a lot else, Gazpacho-brain!"  She smiled and stuck out her tongue.
     "Oh, no you don't!"  Rimmer blushed like an over-ripe tomato.
     "Sorry, had to irk you just one more time before Holly made the
change."  Suddenly, she shimmered and got into focus again in a purple uniform
of the same basic type as Rimmer's, but with a little computer symbol over the
left breast.  Also, the wedding rings were gone.  She instantly became what she
now thought herself, a First Console Technician and widow, ready for her new
life.




                               CHAPTER SEVEN
     A week later, as Carver chatted with Holly as usual in the newly-cleaned
Drive Room, Lister and Rimmer decided it was time to bring up the subject again.
     "What do you really think of her, Rimmer?"
     "I love her."  His eyes twinkled.
     "Even a Cryptofascist?"
     "Will you stop it about that!  She was only that because of that terrible
man she married - and she officially widowed him five minutes after I brought her
back.  She was Kochanski's roommate after all."
     "Well, that is a point.  But how can she keep us sane if she spends all her
time chatting with Holly like a couple of schoolgirls!"
     "I don't know.  I guess they have a lot to catch up on.  Maybe if we threw
her a party, she'd come out of it."
     "There you go, always thinking stupid," said Lister, then he thought about
what Rimmer had said - the man was actually becoming almost cool!  "Wait a
second, did you say a party?"
     Rimmer nodded.
     "There may be sanity for you yet.  That's a great idea!  What about a
birthday party?  When is her birthday?"
     "As if I should know."
     "You did have a crush on her for the whole time she was here."
     "How did you know?"
     "Just the way you used to follow me to Krissie's quarters, then blush and
go back after you'd caught Carver's eye.  So, when's her birthday?"
     "What does it matter?  Time means nothing here.  You realize she's dead
anyway."  That over with, Rimmer breezily said, "Actually, I believe it was next
Wednesday."
     "Brutal!"
     The next day, Carver found an invitation to her birthday party in the
Officer's Club next Wednesday (formal attire suggested) beside Holly's monitor. 
She called Holly and started describing the dress she wanted to wear.
     The next Wednesday evening, all the fellows were in the Officer's Club
dressed in basic black tuxedos, except for Cat, who wore white satin and neon
pink velvet.  There was the very best food and the very best wine,
hologrammatically made, of course, for her.  But when she entered, no one
remembered to say, "Happy Birthday."  They just stared at the apparition.
     Charlie came into the party dressed in the most beautiful outfit she could
think up.  Besides that, using her programming skills, she had turned her hair
blonde, given herself a world-class makeup job, and topped it off by quartering
the size of her "H" and turning it a glittery gold that made it seem almost a
little Indian jewel.  They all had never seen such a sight - an actual woman
after three million years!
     "Is that you, Carver?" Rimmer squinted as if his eyes had gone bad.
     "You can call me Charlie now, Arnold.  It's been too long to be on a last-
name basis."
     "Then it is you?  What is that get-up?"
     "You said to dress formal.  I decided to go all the way."
     "Well, it sure is smashing!" exalted Lister.
     "Would you care to dance?" asked Rimmer.  "You look like a movie queen!"
     "Not right now, thanks."
     "Happy Birthday!" Rimmer clapped his hands.
     "That's right, Happy Birthday!" smiled Lister.  A hologrammatic mandolin
appeared next to him.  They all stared at it.
          "The mandolin was for Charlie.  I knew what she was thinking," said
Holly, smiling.
     "You play mandolin?" asked Lister.  "I stuck to electric bass, but I always
thought it'd be brutal to play one of those."
     After the concert, when they were all pretty well drunk, Rimmer sauntered
close to Charlie and asked her, "will you dance with me?"
     Charlie mulled it over, then mumbled, "Yes," and they happily twirled,
whirled and light-footed around the dance floor as if each had just discovered
dance.  Indeed, the touch caused a little thrill to go through Charlie.  With
Rimmer it was more like a bolt of lightning.  He had found his mate.  Maybe it
would take him a long time to really make it with her, but for now, touching was
enough.  They had a companion and, hopefully, no sudden accident would take her
away.
     But the party wasn't over yet.  After the dance, Charlie excused herself,
taking the skutter named Bob with her.  Rimmer tried to follow her, but she was
too quick.
     She returned an hour later, looking very secretive.  She whispered
something in Lister's ear.
     "What surprise?" yelled Lister.
     "You got a surprise for him, not for me?" whined Rimmer.
     "Holly - shut off the music!  I want you all to hear this."  The music
abruptly stopped.
     "At Dave's request, but against mine and Arnold's better judgment, I have
granted him his wish.  Lister, I'd like you to meet my old roomie, Kris
Kochanski!"
     Another hologram, this one a dark-haired, shorter woman around Lister's age
wearing a Third Console Officer's white uniform, entered the club.  Lister
fainted.
     "Get him up!" yelled Charlie.  Cat and Kryten proceeded to fill a bucket
with cold water and dump it all on Lister's prone form, while Kochanski laughed
to the point of almost falling down herself.
     "Who's laughing at me?" asked Lister, taking off his soaking wet jacket.
     "I am, you git!" laughed Kochanski.
     "Kris!  Long time no see!" Lister tried to hug her, but it was useless.
     "I can't touch her!" he screamed.
     "Of course not.  Like I said, she's a hologram," lectured Rimmer.
     "I'd rather he didn't touch me - you either!" scowled Kochanski, looking
at Rimmer and Lister as if they were spoiled meat.
     "Don't you love me anymore?" asked Lister, hopefully sidling up to her. 
"I mean, Tony's not around anymore.  I mean, he's dead."
     "I know that.  Charlie told me all about it!  So when're you guys going to
make a sophisticated hologram?  You can't expect me to live with only these two
that can touch me?  Come along, Charlie!  You said you could do four - get me
Travis!  He was my only true love!"
     Kochanski stuck her nose up at all of them, then marched out of the room,
motioning for Charlie to join her.
     "What d'you want me to do?" asked Charlie, pitying Lister.
     "Erase her.  You're right.  She was wrong for me."
     "Well, you wanted her so much.  Why don't you erase her before I have to
deal with another officer?" demanded Rimmer.
     "Let's all go," suggested Lister.
     So the whole group followed Kochanski and Charlie down to the hologram
library, where Charlie was trying to stall the officer until she could get the
skutter to erase Kochanski.
     Lister, Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten entered.  Kochanski jumped.  "What're you
doing here?   I don't want to reunite with my mate in front of all you
smegheads!"
     "You can reunite with him right now!  And good riddance!" laughed Lister,
turning her instantly off.
     "You sure go through women quickly!" smirked Rimmer.
     "Don't say 'I told you so!'  At least Charlie here appreciates me enough
to give me a dream come true - too bad it was the wrong one!"  Lister smiled at
Charlie, who blushed.
     "Well, now that it's all over, let's all go back and party!" exalted Cat.
     "You can.  I've had enough for today," sighed Lister.
     "Come on, buddies!  Let's boogie!"
     "No, I think Charlie and I are going to go somewhere and talk, maybe have
a cup of chocolate," suggested Rimmer.
     "Oh, all right."  Charlie gave a shy smile.
     "One more thing before you leave."  Lister whispered in Charlie's ear,
"next time you get me a girl, make sure it's one with a body.  And next time you
get us another hologram, let's all agree on it first."
     "Yes, sir!" saluted Charlie.  She surprised everyone by giving him a Full
Rimmer salute.  Rimmer, of course, joined in halfway.  Then the holograms
promenaded out, heading for their own private nook.
     "What a gal!" exalted Lister.
     Kryten and Cat smirked at him, then went their separate ways.
     After their night together, Rimmer rarely saw Charlie because she and Holly
chatted for days, leaving Rimmer in all kinds of real messes which only Holly
could get him out of.  It caused lots of grief for Rimmer, lots of fun for
Lister, and tons of fun for Holly.  But Rimmer could only take being ignored so
long.   Soon he started butting in on their girl-to-girl conversations and wooing
Charlie with flowers, candy, computer magazines, Irish harps, purple jewelry, and
anything else he could get Holly to hologrammatize so he could give it to her. 
Holly finally let them alone a few nights.  Then, later, she gave them a whole
week together.  Finally, she stopped seeing Charlie altogether - she was bunking
down in a new half-bunk beside Rimmer and Lister's bed (although she was doing
it actually to get closer to Lister) and getting to know Rimmer, Lister, Cat and
Kryten, enjoying the variety of life (she was bored silly of Holly by that time). 
Then, as time went on, in the slow way it did there, between hologrammatic and
real card, monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, and every-other-game-under-the-sun
Tournaments, talks, meals, teaching Rimmer basic computer languages like BASIC
(a hopeless case, but she was able to get him into the rudiments of Esperanto), 
helping Cat design outfits, and starting to re-program Kryten for independence,
her days went by quicker than any of the rest, even with Rimmer's terrible
serenades every other night.  She decided she could live with it.  And she was
willing to give Rimmer a try - maybe even get Lister to lighten up on him a
little, since she really liked (and disliked) them both equally - but she was
calling Rimmer Arnie and Lister Dave now, and Siggy was now only a faint, hard
memory.  And tomorrow they would throw her another birthday party - Dave had told
her without telling her ten times that day.  Not only that, Holly told her the
night before that Arnie had requested not only the most tasteful outfit she could
come up with, but a certain hologrammatic solitaire diamond ring, in her size,
of course.  She couldn't wait.




                               CHAPTER EIGHT
     The party went as she expected.   Charlie came in wearing a slightly
subdued version of her old party outfit, but she didn't dye her hair this time. 
The lights were out as she came in, then they came on and all the fellows yelled
"Happy Birthday!"
     "Finally got it right," smirked Charlie.  "Thanks a lot.  By the way, has
any of you ever wondered about the absurdity of giving a dead woman a birthday
party?"
     "Well, no," said Rimmer.  "It doesn't matter - it's the thought that counts
- I mean, you're alive in my book."
     "Well, are you gonna open your presents?" asked Lister, pointing to the
center of the room where an impressive pile of wrapped packages lay.
     "How could you get me presents?  You didn't give me them last time?  And
how can I open them - I couldn't open them, I'm a hologram!"  Charlie burst into
tears.
     "Come on, quiet down!"  Rimmer patted her on the back awkwardly.  "They're
hologrammatic presents, of course.  Holly arranged it."
     "Oh, well, in that case. . ."  Charlie brightened up and walking toward the
packages.  "This feels like Christmas.  Why don't we ever really celebrate
Christmas?"
     "I don't know.  We should, I guess," said Lister.  "Let's make it for sure
now - a double-triple great party every Christmas.  Brutal!"
     Charlie made it to the presents.  She picked up the biggest one first.
     "That's mine," smiled Lister.  "You'll love it.  I wish I could have one
of those!"
     "Shut up!" screamed Rimmer.
     Charlie opened the big, unwieldy package.  It was a leather case.  Inside
was a hologram of a genuine Les Paul acoustic twelve-string guitar.  Charlie gave
Lister a smile that almost melted his heart.  Then she said, "I've always wanted
one of these.  How did you know I played guitar?"
     "Mandolin, guitar, what's the dif?"
     She insisted on playing a song, doing a duet of "In My Life" by the Beatles
with Lister, while Rimmer blushed bright red when he realized he was staring at
her.
     Finally, she put down the guitar and opened the next biggest package. 
Inside was a really classy modern-style dress with enough lace, satin, silk, and
flounces to charm the most finicky fashion model.  "This is beautiful - who gave
me this?"
     "Me," said Cat, running up and trying to lick her, forgetting for a second
that she was a hologram.  "Sorry," he said and went back to the group.
     The next smaller package was a Programmer's Guide to Holograms from Holly,
who said she should know as much about herself as she could.  Charlie thanked her
profusely.  Kryten's gift was a little heart-shaped computer-chip pin which she
thought was cute.  Then, finally, she opened the last gift - Rimmer's.  It was
in a velvet jeweler's box - a diamond-and-amethyst necklace that would be worth
millions if it wasn't hologrammatic.  He rushed over and put it on her, hugging
her in the process.  Then he whispered, "I have another gift for you later - save
the last dance for me."
     After that, the party went on as usual, except this one was punctuated by
several dances between Charlie and Arnie, which always got rounds of applause
from Lister.  It also included a kind of ongoing Beatles-fans-in-concert session
where Lister and Charlie, singing Beatles songs, which they both knew by heart,
as close as possible to each other, even to the point of a penetrating (in her
sense) kiss in the middle of "I Will" at which time Rimmer butted in and insisted
she sing next to him.  After that, they drank and danced some more.  
     Finally, when they were all almost to the point of passing out, Arnie
danced one more time with Charlie.  It was a slow dance to one of the only
singers they agreed on, Barry Manilow.  The song was "Weekend in New England" and
they danced very closely.  In the middle of it, Arnie took something out of the
pouch on the side of his jacket.  With one hand he opened the box.  Then he
whispered in Charlie's ear, "Charlie, will you marry me?"
     "Are you kidding?  How can dead people get married?  What do we say for
'Till death do us part?'"
     "We'll work that out.  But, come on, will you marry me?"
     "Who else could I marry, if I could marry?  O.K., I'll get hitched again
-at least you'll be there all the time, not just for three months every five
years."
     "Is that a 'yes'?"
     "Yes."  Arnie put the ring (with a stone bigger than the one Siggy had
given her) on Charlie's finger, then said, "then we do the dance for joy," Rimmer
lead Charlie in a kind of musical touch-up-shuffle he got from some American TV
vid he watched before a test to keep him sane.  Charlie lead him into a jig. 
Then the music stopped.  Rimmer just had time to tell Lister, "I'm getting
married in the morning," before they both passed out.




                               CHAPTER NINE

     The next morning, Rimmer woke up on the floor next to Lister, who was just
waking up.  He told him what went on the night before, then said, "will you be
my Best Man?"
     "I guess so.  But do you really think this is right?"
     "That's what Charlie said.  But she warmed up to the idea eventually."
     "All right, then, I'll be best man.  But then who'll marry you?"
     "Good point.  I would say a human marrying us would make it a lot more
official than if a Cat, a Mechanoid, or a Computer married us.  Very well, will
you marry us?"
     "I'd love to marry her, but, seriously, O.K., I'll do it, but you'll have
to write the vows.  I'm not saying 'Til death do us part' to a couple of
holograms."
     "O.K., just do the traditional ceremony and leave out that line."
     Then Rimmer went over to Kryten.  "Will you be my Best Man?"
     "I'd be honored, Mr. Arnold."
     "You'd better watch those tonguetwisters."
     Lister came over to Rimmer after that.  "Who'll give away the bride?" he
asked.
     "Me, I guess," said Cat.
     "Why aren't you letting Charlie in on this stuff?" asked Lister.
     "She's making the other arrangements."
     At that moment, Charlie came into the room.  "Get out of here!" she yelled
at Rimmer, eyes livid with rage.
     "Why?  I'm your fiance?" protested Rimmer, bewildered.
     "Don't push it." She winked at Lister.  "Besides, you can't see your future
husband on the day of the wedding.  Bad luck."
     "Why today?"
     "Because you wanna get it over with, don't you?"
     "All right, I'm gone!"  Rimmer headed for the door.  "But tell me, when and
where is it?"
     "Chapel on Deck 320 Section A Corridor 500 Alpha F at 5:00 tonight.  Be
there!"
     "I will."
     With Rimmer gone, Charlie went right over to Lister.  "Are you best man or
minister?" she asked Lister.
     "I guess I'm minister."
     "Then how did he get past The Line, if he did?"
     "You mean The Line in the ceremony?  He just said to skip it and do the
rest traditional."
     "I like that.  Except that without The Line it'll seem like there's a hole
in the thing - that it's not a real wedding."
     "Do you seriously think it will be a real wedding?"
     "Yes.  Believe it or not, I've changed these last few years.  No matter
what anyone else believes or says.  The book Holly gave me proves it to me.  It
says holograms will never change personalities, and yet Arnie and I are changing
all the time.  So we can't be true holograms.  In our case, I think the 'H'
stands for human."
     "I agree, in your case at least."  His eyes lit up.
     "You wish I still had a body, don't you?"  She smiled at him sadly.
     "Is it that obvious?"  Embarrassed at her insight.
     "Yes.  But don't worry.  If you saw the future echoes you told me about,
there is definitely someone in this universe for you.  It just may take a while
to find her."
     "Thanks.  By the way, if you want to know, Kryten is going to be Best Man
and Cat's going to be the Father of the Bride."
     "Does that make me a Cat?"  Lister laughed as she continued, "I suppose we
have to do something like that.  I guess that makes Holly the ringbearer and
witness."
     "Your rings are ready!"  Holly came in on the Officer's Club screen.
     "What about a rehearsal and a reception?"
     "Well, we had our rehearsal dinner-cum-bachelor-party-cum-bachelorette-
party last night.  We'll have something much more elaborate here tonight after
the wedding."
     "We'd better start cleaning and fixing up," said Lister.
     "Yes, do.  But be sure to be dressed and in the Chapel by 4:30."
     "What about after the reception?" asked Lister, smiling at the thought.
     "That's between Arnie and I.  But I can tell you we're going to a room set
up for just this purpose and it'll be as far away from you guys as possible - and
we're planning a three-month honeymoon," said Charlie.
     "Why three months?"
     "It'll take me that long to get used to him."  She winked at him and they
both laughed.
     Lister thought of the Honeymoon Cabin on Deck Three section W, thought of
Charlie and Rimmer getting it on in there and almost burst out laughing again. 
Charlie headed toward the door.  "I see," said Lister.  "Well, see you in the
Chapel, my lovely almost-bride."
     "Ta-ta, you Don Juan!"
     At 4:30, Cat was chatting with Charlie about his latest suit, Lister and
Kryten were discussing the ceremony, marveling at the incredible hologrammatic
decor (it looked like the inside of a British Cathedral in the height of the
Middle Ages), the large hologrammatic candles, the giant roses on the pews, and
the hundreds of Earth-inspired flowers right near the altar, which actually
smelled like roses and carnations.
     Then, at the back of the church, Charlie and Cat met and seemed to link
arms.  Then Holly started the music (the traditional wedding march) and they
started down the aisle.  Then she realized Rimmer wasn't there.  She stopped Cat. 
"Where's Arnie?" she asked.
     "I don't know.  I'll get Lister to get him."
     Cat ran up and whispered something in Lister's ear.  "I knew that smeghead
would ruin his own wedding!" yelled Lister so loud that Charlie could hear it. 
She frowned at Lister, who smiled at her and ran out the side door.
     Lister found Rimmer five minutes later in their living quarters, pacing.
     "What's the matter, you git?" said Lister as he walked in on him.
     "Don't call me names now!" said Rimmer.
     "You deserved to be called all sorts of names just this moment!  You
finally get a girl, a wonderful girl at that, one that I'd marry myself if she
still had a body - and you actually get her to say 'yes' to your proposal - and
then you leave her at the altar!  I wonder about your sanity!"
     "She was actually there?"
     "What do you think?  Do you think I'd run all over this smegging ship for
you if she wasn't there?"
     "So she was there.  Then I'd better get dressed.  Holly - tuxedo!"
     Rimmer went out of focus, then the red blur became a white blur and he came
back in focus wearing a white tuxedo with silk trim, a purple cummerbund, a
bright purple bow tie, and shiny white dress shoes.  For the occasion, Holly made
his 'H' glowing gold.  "There, that's better," he said.  "Now, let's go.  Can't
keep a nice girl waiting, I always say."
     He ran out the door and towards the Chapel.  "So why didn't you come
before?"
     "I didn't think she'd show.  I never thought any girl would show up at my
altar!"
     "But she's a hologram, remember - and you're the only other one there is. 
There wasn't much else she could do."  Lister thought of the lost opportunity and
Rimmer thought that for once he'd gotten one over on Listy.
     They didn't talk anymore.  They ran full speed to the Chapel, where Rimmer
stepped in between Kryten and Lister, who put on a choir robe he found in vacuum
storage.
     Then Charlie made her entrance again.  This time, she smiled at Rimmer and
winked at Lister as she came down the aisle.  At the front, Lister started the
ceremony.  They said all the usual things, took the two lighted candles and lit
the wedding candle, and, when it came time to say The Line, Rimmer and Charlie
both said, "Til erasure do us part," and Lister cheered.  Then, Lister said, "get
the ring."
     Rimmer put his hand out and said, "Holly - ring!"
     A tasteful diamond-and-amethyst wedding ring appeared in Rimmer's hand. 
He gently pushed it onto Charlie's finger.  Then Charlie said, "Holly - ring!"
and a man's plain gold wedding ring appeared in her hand.  She slid it easily
onto Rimmer's sweaty hand.  Then they rushed out of the Chapel to "The Wedding
Song" and the whole group headed for the Officer's Club where large steaming
plates of the best food, rare hors d'oeuvres, a full bar, and all-night dancing
to Holly-the-DJ went on for the best part of the night.  Around 2 A.M., Arnie
asked Charlie, "You wanna blow this taco stand?" (a phrase she had taught him).
     "Of course, as soon as they throw the rice," said Charlie.  Charlie winked
at Lister, who got the rest together with a few little packets of rice.  The rice
was thrown through the wedding couple as they left the party, landing in a little
pile as the two holograms headed for the Honeymoon Cabin.




                                CHAPTER TEN
     Two months later, Charlie had finally figured out the real reason why
Rimmer exercised so much - he wasn't all that bad in bed for an almost-virgin. 
They laughed, talked, made love (which really wasn't near as sickening with him
as she had expected), took dips in the jacuzzi and hot tub, played endless games
of strip poker (her idea) and strip Trivial Pursuit (his idea), and basically
passed the time better than either of them had in the whole time since the
accident - and actually much better than either of them had even before the
accident.
     Exactly two months, five days, three hours, and ten minutes after they were
married, Holly came on in the Honeymoon Cabin's screen (which Charlie thought had
been mutually turned off) in the middle of one of their long snuggle sessions. 
     "Hello, lovebirds," said Holly, by way of not butting in too quickly.
     "Get us some clothes!"  Rimmer tried unsuccessfully to hide his body from
her.
     "Oh, all right, but I don't think I'd be that nauseated by your body,
Rimmer."
     "Shut up and get us some clothes!"
     "Oh, all right."
     Instantly, they were dressed in their normal red and purple uniforms. 
Holly had, as a wedding present, fixed the in-and-out-of-focus changes to the
point at which it was simultaneous.
     "Thanks, Holly, that was great!" smiled Charlie.  "So, what's the news?"
     "You have to come to the Drive Room, Charlie.  You'll never believe this!"
     "What about me?" asked Rimmer.
     "Oh, you can come too, but hurry!"
     The couple rushed to the Drive Room, taking the Xpress Lift that got them
from Deck 3 to Deck 9,972 in less than ten seconds, slightly shaken.  Then they
rushed to the Drive Room to find Lister, Cat, and Kryten staring at what looked
on the big screen in the Drive Room like a gigantic blue ship outside and heading
straight for the Red Dwarf.
     "Oh, no!" cried Charlie.  "We're doomed!  That Big Mama, which I believe
could be the original Blue Giant, is heading straight towards us, with minimal
power but a really strong Cosmic Wind.  Holly, get me a Navicomp keyboard, quick! 
We gotta maneuver around that thing, get it attached to us, and then we'll search
the ship and maybe find you a bride, Davey."
     Lister smiled and blushed, while Rimmer sneered at him.  Then a keyboard
materialized on an empty table beside where Rimmer was standing.  Charlie pushed
him away, with a kiss, winked at Lister, then went right to work.  Holly had been
right, Rimmer's mate was the only one capable of saving both ships.                                SECTION TWO


                                BLUE GIANT

               THE END OF THE WORLD AND HOW TO COPE WITH IT




                                CHAPTER ONE

     Cristal Bach, Ph.D., M.D., Director for the New London Community Hospital,
left work early on the 22nd of March, 102,182, to get to her pet project.  She
left early because the news bulletin she had just heard on the New Europe Free
Broadcast System had just announced that, due to a breakdown caused by outrageous
New-Neo-Nazi demands in the Truce Conference between New Europe and the
SinoRussian Alliance of New-Neo-Nazis, both super-countries had entered Def Com
Three.  So she knew she had to get the ball rolling.
     She headed, not for the Peaceniks headquarters in a secret room in the New
Tower of London, but to the huge Museum of Space History in the center of New
London.  There she met Raisa Carlisle, the Head of the Peacenik Holobodies, and
Duke Rimera, Head of the Peacenik Ruffs.  The woman, the humanoid-dog, and the
solidified hologram made their way to the center of the deserted museum.  In that
place stood the human race's last hope.
     The ship was kept, because of its incredible bulk, on a raised platform the
size of Manhattan.  The blue monstrosity was enclosed in a hermetically sealed
glass case.  What they could see was a huge, ugly faded blue ship with about 200
architectural styles on it.  But some of the seeming skyscrapers and ziggurats
seemed to be nipped off or crushed and the whole ship was a very dirty blue.  She
took the key to the case from her pocket, opened it, and they entered from a
stairway up the platform to the shuttle deck - Deck 2 near the bottom of the Blue
Giant.  Cristal went in first, followed by Raisa and Duke.
     At first, they just stood in awe of their undertaking - the shuttle bay
alone went on for twelve miles.  Then they were met by the rest of the group.
     "Where do we start?" asked Duke, panting, with his large, red tongue out
of his mouth, slobbering, always ready for a challenge.
     "I think we should first get it so it'll run again.  Raisa, were you able
to get the engines?"
     "Yeah.  They're in the supply room next door.  It was a bear to assemble
them and bring them over here, but, me being a hollie working for the DD, no one
asked any questions."
     "Great.  How soon can you get them refurbished and in working condition in
the ship?"
     "How soon is the demonstration?"
     "We just hit Def Com Three, according to the noon news.  We have to leave
orbit in a month, at the latest."
     "Do you really think this is going to work?"
     "It's gotta work - or there will be no more human race or any other race
in the solar system."
     "I thought the Big Guys had defense against the M-bombs?"
     "They do.  But no one really knows what an M-bomb can do."
     "Well, then, the engines will be ready in three weeks."
     "What about the lab equipment?" she asked Til Westman, a top-secret human
biologist and physicist who looked down at them from a height of seven feet two
inches.  He looked even taller because he was wearing an all-white suit.  In
fact, since he tended to stoop, he looked like the Leaning Tower of Pisa to
Cristal.  He thought a minute.
     "The biology lab only has to be set up on one of the decks.  We found two
stasis booths in working order in vacuum storage in the stock room of the museum
and we plan on hooking them up to hydrogen-batteries for experiments.  The
Terraform crew has their lab almost ready, but they'll need a full deck."
     "Take your pick - you can have two if you like."
     "What about supplies?" asked Duke. "A month isn't very long.  And how are
we gonna get the money to do it?"
     "We have unlimited funds in our Trust Fund - and Juliet and Holly will put
up whatever's needed beyond that.  Now, get your pack together.  Didn't you say
your daughter was coming in from Io in the next shuttle?"
     "Ya, ya, ya!"
     "Well, let's get everyone you can find that's coming on the voyage.  Tell
them what's happening, swear them to secrecy, then get their tails moving so
every cargo hold is full of food, clothing, electronics, and anything else you
can think of by this time next month.  And make sure none of them miss the
demonstration."
     "Tell me one thing - are you bringing your family?"
     "Yeah.  I haven't told Tony about it yet, but Illia jumped for joy when I
told her we were going to Deep Space."
     "I guess ten-year-olds have a different perspective."
     "I just hope a month's long enough.  At this rate we could all be fried by
the time the project's done.  However, notice of the demonstration has gone out
and if we change it the Big Brass'll be suspicious."




                                CHAPTER TWO
     Duchess was going to space for the first time.  That was enough to get her
extra-large tail, one of the remnants of her canine past, wagging.  The ship was
taking her and the last of her race, the Canine Sapiens, also called the Ruffs
(for their former language), off their home moon of Io back to New London in New
Europe on Mars where they would join the last great peace march before the end
of the Great 100,000-Year War.  Duchess, whose real name was Duchess Alexandra
Rimera, wanted to be in space (but she hated big, grey space ships - the very
thought of no grass made her whine), and had no real desire to go to Mars, but
the Ruffs had no choice.  Their leader, Duchess's father, Duke, had ordered all
Ruffs to Mars to join the great Demonstration for Peace to take place on what
used to be called Earth Day - April 22.  It was now April 12th and the last
shuttle was leaving.
     Duchess packed her favorite clothes, toys, bones, books, and collars in her
back-pack and headed for the shuttle.  At the entrance to the launch pad, she met
Brandy Erikson, her best friend.  Her day had taken a turn for the better.
     "What do you think will happen on Mars?" asked Brandy, between gulps of the
beer given complimentary on all Ruff passenger vessels.
     "War for sure.  I just hope these peaceniks know what they're doing."
     "Don't worry.  Your father'll keep us safe."
     "You really think that old geek knows his stuff?"
     "He's not as fuddy-duddy as you think, Duchy.  After all, how else could
he get to hang around with Cristal Bach?"
     "I think he hangs around her for her looks.  She isn't half-bad for a
human."
     "And a double-doctor too."
     "If she's in on this thing, I think we'll have a better chance of surviving
than even the President of New Europe."
     "I sure hope you're right!  Have you ever been in Space before?"
     "Not once.  But I read about it a lot.  Those books smell mighty good, but
I wonder if it's all propaganda."
     "We'll find out soon enough."
     After that, the shuttle blasted off and the two Ruffs were instantly
unconscious.  When they woke up, the almost-light-speed shuttle had reached the
orbit around Mars.
     "That was some quick ride," said Brandy.
     "Do you really think we made it in five minutes?"
     "No, I think we passed out."  Brandy summoned one of the almost-human
android wait-people who kept the shuttles going.  "Tell me," she said, "how long
did it take us to get to Mars orbit?"
     "I should say about two hours, give or take a half-hour," said the shiny
silver pseudo-man in an almost sexy computer voice.
     "Did we sleep all that time?"
     "You betcha.  Every last one of you Ruffs out like a light!"
     "What a rip!"
     In the next minute, they landed in the shuttle section of New Heathrow
Spaceport, unconscious again.
     New London was the largest city on Mars, so the air- and space-port was
about the size of Boston, but twice as crowded.  The Ruffs, along with their
families, were caught up in a great surge of humanity, mainly people trying to
get home before the bombs started going off.  It was pure chaos.  Brandy and
Duchess decided to play it safe and get something to eat at a Chow Bar at the
station until most of their fellow shuttle-passengers had left.       After dinner
of raw hamburger and stout, Brandy and Duchess headed for the taxi station. 
Transportation hadn't come very far in 100,000 years, especially since Mars was
under almost universal martial law during that time.  The taxi they got into was
quite an old model hover-taxi, worn so that the Yellow Cab looked almost brown. 
But they didn't care.  They hopped in the taxi, noticing that the driver was a
Free Holobody (the only difference between a holobody and a human being was the
fact that holobodies were almost immortal and a little 'H' on a gold choker that
they all wore around their necks, more as a memory of the Ancient Holograms and
their plight than as an actual necessary sign of death.)  This one had an 'H' the
size of a fairly large cameo, studded with diamonds, on his neck.  They figured
he had to be a peacenik (most Hollies were).
     "You goin' to the Demonstration?" asked the Hollie.
     "Are you?" counter-asked Duchess, smiling at her cleverness.
     "You betcha!"  The driver nodded.
     "Have you heard the rumor?" asked Brandy.
     "What rumor's that?"  Duchess wondered what Brandy may have heard.
     "The rumor that this march is more than a march."
     "How can a march be more than a march?"
     "If it ends up with a frantic escape from the bombs."
     "How's anyone gonna escape them farging bombs?"
     "Yes, how?" asked Duchess.
     "You should know.  Your father's organizing a work crew from tomorrow
morning 'til the night before the Demonstration."
     "You mean the museum thing?"
     "Yes.  Remember, it is the Space History museum."
     "So you think we're refurbishing one of those old almost-disintegrated
spaceships the humans used to explore the solar system with before the Great War
limited space travel."
     "Exactamente!"
     "Which one d'ya think it may be?"
     "Haven't a clue."
     "I do."
     "Which d'ya think it is?  The Black Hole?"
     "Na, na, na - that's too small.  Remember - they expect close to 20,000
marchers.  Besides, it represents the enemy."
     "And you think they are going to march us all into the space-ship?"
     "Of course.  That's what you were driving at, wasn't it?"
     "Ya, ya, ya, I guess so.  Anyway, if not the Black Hole, then what, Star
Base XIII?  Enterprise XX?  Eros VI?"
     "None of those.  They are all too small."
     "But they're the only ones that can leave straight from Mars.  You're not
really suggesting the Blue Giant, are you?"
     "What else?"
     "But that ship almost broke up landing in the NeoAtlantic Ocean - and took
the sea level down three inches all over the world in the process.  That old
Mama's never leaving Mars again."
     "How can you be so sure?  When it came down it was still from the 22nd-
century.  I bet Dad's helping them refit the thing.  There are rumors that one
of the top-secretest hollie engineers is in on the project.  Anything could
happen."




                               CHAPTER THREE
     The Ruffs were a very new, but very interesting species.  They had been
discovered 30,000 years before when a New European government mining probe
happened to pass by Io and seen it ten times more populated than when it was
evacuated.  Once New Europe had discovered them, the super-country had sent out
a series of shuttles and now all of the Ruffs were on Mars.
     The origin of the Ruffs lends itself to legend.  They started in 2190, when
Io was evacuated at the very cold beginning of what turned out to be a very hot
100,000-year war.  The evacuation was extremely swift, as hot war seemed imminent
at the time and Io was the traditional home of space-going military astros.  This
great escape from the partially-terraformed moon was so quick that not one human
thought to turn off the oxygen supply or take any food with them.  Unfortunately,
one family was a little too quick in their leave-taking.
     This family, whom the great Rimera family of the Ruffs traced its origins
to, were the famous space-going Rimmers, of the great Captain John Rimmer and
Captain Franklin Rimmer, and Lead Test Pilot Howard Rimmer.  However, they left
four dogs behind, since their black sheep son, Arnold, who had lovingly taken
care of the dogs, had at that point been presumed dead on the missing ship, the
Red Dwarf.
     When the Ruffs were found, 70,000 years later, the reputation of the Rimmer
name took a terrible beating, but every Ruff knew the name of Arnold Rimmer and
revered it.  In their largest city there was even a temple to the Great Rimmer,
as they called him.
     The Ruffs had grown from the four original dogs (two cocker spaniels and
two Samoyeds, which Arnold had never gotten around to spaying or neutering),
first living off the food they found easily on Io, then scrounged, finally gained
knowledge through perusal of the vids, CDs, computers, and books left by the
humans.  Then one great Ruff found out that edible plants grow from seeds and
edible meats come from animals that eat the plants.   Canine Sapien was born a
farmer.  When the robot probe found them in the year 72,190, they had cities
built to rival New New York or New London, made of wood and metal, each one
blanketed with grass.  The humans never believed the Ruff legend that no war had
ever taken place on Ruffian Io, but every Ruff knew it to be true.  The Ruffs
were a great boon to the ever-heating-up war between New Europe and the New-Neo-
Nazis.  10,000 years after their discovery when half the Ruffs had gone to Mars,
a Canine Battalion was created, mainly by Samoyed-line Ruffs, in the New European
Army.  They fought so good that the no-war legend went down as really a legend. 




                               CHAPTER FOUR
     The next morning, Duchess got a call from her father to meet her, with any
companions she wanted to take along, at the office of Dr. Cristal Bach at 10:00
A.M.  Brandy suggested that they ask the cabbie to go with them, since he knew
the secret anyway.  Duchess punched out the 23-digit number and Ronald Serpentine
answered.
     "What you two cuties up to?" he asked, once they told them who they were.
     "We've been invited to a meeting in Cristal Bach's office and told to bring
any companion we wanted to.  Wanna come along?"
     "Wouldn't miss it for my life back," said the hollie.
     "Then meet us at 221-B Baker Street.  We'll be waiting outside the
building."
     They met him at the foot of the 50-story Ruff-built, grass-covered
skyscraper which had totally reconfigured Sherlock Holmes's old address in the
semi-accurately copied city of New London.  The cabbie waved at them and they
rushed to meet him.
     "So this is where the infamous Dr. Bach works."
     "Yes, on the 49th floor.  Let's get going - we've only got 5 minutes to get
there."
     They rushed to the elevators which were packed with an extremely odd amount
of holobodies, Ruffs, Jews, Gypsies, Afros, NeoAmericans, and basically every
group of people you'd never meet in New-Neo-Nazi territory, except in a horrid
concentration-camps, with only one number pushed on the elevator - 49.  There was
also a number of New Canadians and Neo-New Zealanders, not to mention Aussies. 
For over 100,000 years the English speaking world had helped the oppressed. 
Today they were the oppressed and they were still helping.
     When they reached the 49th floor, just in time, they entered the office
among the crowd, which was pushed into a large lecture room.  There the
Australian leader of the Peaceniks, Cristal Bach, was standing at the podium,
motioning for silence.  The two Ruffs and the holobody rushed in and got the last
three seats in the front row, between an obnoxious 10-year-old and a gold-
skinned, almost-human medi-droid, probably Dr. Bach's assistant.
     Once the room quieted down, Dr. Bach spoke, "G'day mates!  Nice to see
y'all could make it.  As some of you may know, there's a rumor going around that
us Peaceniks are going to get a space-ship and get out of this beer bar of a 
solar system right after the Demonstration.  Let me tell you, the rumors were
completely understated.  We're not just taking any old space-ship, we're takin'
the Mother of All Spaceships, the legendary Blue Giant - the biggest farging ship
known to man!"
     At that, the room burst into noise as 237 people started 152 different
conversations at the same time.  It went on for 17 minutes, until Dr. Bach
motioned Duke to blink the lights.  Then, like schoolchildren, they quieted down.
     "I said we were going to Deep Space to seek out a new world in the Mother
of All Spaceships.  And I mean it.  But the only way we're going to be able to
do this is if every one of you come with us to the Museum of Space History and
spend every free moment from now 'til noon Earth Day stocking, sealing, setting
up, and testing that bugger 'til it's absolutely ready to take off.  'Cause after
the Demonstration, at exactly 2:00 P.M. Earth Day, all us Peaceniks are gonna
leave this Def Com One world behind and go searchin' for a new one."
     A deafening cheer went through the crowd, then they gave her a 10-minute
standing ovation.  After that, she said, "Well, mates, get to work!  And be
secret about it - except to Peaceniks!"
     The crowd surged from their seats and rushed for the door.  But one lone
figure, the 10-year-old next to Duchess, rushed the other way, toward the
platform.  "I don't have to do any work, do I?" whined Illia Bach.
     "I guess not," sighed her mother.  "You can watch."
     "Do I really hafta go and live on that ugly blue monster?  The thing that's
as big as Texas and as ugly as a new hollie!" asked Illia.
     "Yeah - otherwise you'll die, like the rest of the world is going to die
once the bombs go off."
     "What happens when you die, Mom?"
     "You go someplace really nice or someplace really rotten - or you become
a holobody."
     "Can't I die and become a holobody?  I like the holobodies.  But what I'd
really like to be is a hologram - they can walk through walls!"
     "Now don't talk nonsense!  There've been no real holograms for millennia. 
And if you were to stay here, there'd be no one left to make you a hologram or
a holobody."
     "Then I'd better go on to the monster."
     "Only after the march."
     "Of course, Mom.  Can I march with you?"
     "No - I have to lead the parade, you see."
     "Can I go with Dad?"
     "No, he's staying on the ship to get the engines ready.  Here, let's see
if we can find someone more your size to march with you."  Cristal and Illia
walked out of the room behind Duchess, Brandy, and Ronald.  As Ruffs tended to
be under four feet tall, Cristal saw them and she and Illia caught up to the
other three, who were talking a click a minute.  When they reached the lift,
Cristal turned to Duchess.  "I'd like to introduce myself, I'm Cristal Bach. 
You're Duchess Rimera, aren't you?  Duke's daughter?"
     Duchess's brown face blushed bright red as she nodded.  "This is my best
friend Brandy," she pointed out the very white Samoyed-line Ruff next to her.
     "Who's your other mate?"
     "I'm just the cabbie," said Ronald.  "Name's Ronald Serpentine."
     "Nice to meet ya, Ron.  This is my daughter, Illia."
     "I hate that name!" whispered Illia to Duchess.
     "What name would you like?" asked Duchess.
     "I wanna be called Juliet, like the great female hologram who invented the
holobodies, Juliet Winger."
     "This is a girl after me own 'eart," said the cabbie, under his breath.
     "How would you three like to take Illia along on the march next week?"
     "I'd love it!" said Duchess.
     "It'd be O.K.," said Brandy.
     "All right.  Meet us at the front of the parade at noon."
     "If we can still walk after all that work!"
     "You have my permission to get a full night-and-morning sleep before the
march."
     "You got a deal!" smiled the cabbie.
     The next few days the 2,000 confidential workers filled the long-evacuated
museum and the ship, carrying supplies, setting up engines, sleeping quarters,
stasis booths, a Bridge, recreation rooms, Park Rooms (with real grass for the
estimated 5,000 Ruffs which were coming on board), configuring and re-configuring
the new computer, named "Warren" for the original computer on the original Blue
Giant, and each individual system (from long experience, they knew the whole ship
shouldn't be run from one computer, so the light system, the door system, the
navigational computer, the food preparation system, the video system, and the
biological lab system were separate).  By midnight on April 21, 102,182, the ship
was actually operational, at least on the ground.  They could only hope that the
terribly huge monster would fly.  Then, after a very wild party in a series of
adjoining pubs, the workers went back to their flats and hotel rooms for a well-
deserved sleep.
     Duchess woke at 11:30 A.M. on April 22 with a splitting headache.  "I knew
I shouldn't have had all them whiskeys.  Ruffs and whiskey don't mix, my Dad
always said," she said to herself.  Then she turned on the radio, so that Brandy
could wake up slowly, like she liked.  "Beep! Beep!  This is a message from the
Emergency Broadcast System!  New Europe has heard from the New-Neo-Nazis this
morning and they refuse to compromise on their demands.  Therefore, the President
has just officially put New Europe on Def Com One.  It is rumored that the New-
Neo-Nazis are also in Def Com One.  Please stay in your homes.  Further news of
the War will be broadcast over every station.  Have a nice day."
     Duchess went over and shook Brandy awake.  "You gotta get up!" she yelled.
     "But I've got a splittin' headache!" whined Brandy.
     "But we've entered Def Com One and the parade's in a half-hour!  We gotta
get goin'!"
     "All right, all right, already!"
     Brandy quickly got up and they both got dressed, each gulping an Ultra-
light Beer to get rid of the headache.  They were interrupted by a series of very
loud knocks on their door.  "I'm comin'," yelled Duchess, who was almost dressed,
massaging her head.
     She opened the door and Ron ran in, screaming, "You heard the news!"
     "Ya, ya, ya - we gotta get goin'.  My old Dad was right, that monster's the
races' only chance to stay alive.  Them M-bombs could go off any second."
     Brandy finished dressing and the three of them rushed to the front of the
parade, on the corner of the street across from New Buck Palace.  They were two
minutes late and Dr. Bach looked like she was about to have a heart attack.
     "What took you guys so long!  These two hours may mean life or death for
20,000 people - get going!" Cristal handed Illia to Duchess and rushed to the
podium.
     "We are here to demonstrate for peace," she announced.  The crowd roared. 
"And the march route will be as follows: we leave from this spot, go past
Parliament, past the M.P.'s offices, around toward the NEBC Building, and end up
in front of the Space History Museum.  There I'll tell you what goes on next. 
For now - up with peace!  Down with war!  Bombs are no one's friends!  'H' is for
Human!  Dogs are People too!" she started walking down the street, leading them
in the Peaceniks' favorite chants.
     The crowd covered most of New London.  The estimated number of people was
20,000, but some of those just came for the exercise.  The actual number of
Peaceniks who stayed for the speech at the museum was 18,752.  The other 1,248,
mainly New Londoners, would have stayed had they even heard the rumor, but they
decided to return home and die with their families and so lost their only chance
to become part of the remnant of the human race.
     The 18,752 people in the enthusiastic crowd included 5,000 Ruffs, out of
the 550,000 that had came to Mars from Io in the last 30,000 years (Most of the
Ruffs, especially the Samoyeds and half-Samoyeds, went over to the Army of New
Europe to start a Canine Battalion.) and 2,000 holobodies, most of them Free
Holobodies who had bought out their computers and carried them as part of their
manufactured bodies.  About 500 of them, though, were Stuck Holobodies (that's
what they called themselves), mostly linked to the Department of Defense and the
New European Institute of Health, who used Holobodies when their best scientists
were killed in M-bomb tests or other hazards (like exploring the site of the
Great Supercollider Disaster or testing new terraforming equipment).  These stole
their computer modules the night before the Wednesday March and so were sure-fire
erasures should they ever go back to work.  The rest of the crew was human, most
of them scientists, engineers, mathematicians, and their families (the Peaceniks
had a rule that if one goes, the whole family goes, Peacenik or not), but also
some 1,022nd-century hippies, yuppies, that is, businesspeople, and clergy
(especially Quakers).
     Cristal Bach stared out at the 18,752 faces after being introduced at 1:05
P.M., wondering how she was going to make everything clear to them for lift-off
in 55 minutes.  Before she started her speech, a loud-speaker startled her. 
"Beep!  Beep!  Beep!  This is a message from the Emergency Broadcast System!  A
volley of M-bombs has been detected heading for New London.  It is estimated that
it will reach here in less than an hour.  Go to your Designated Shelters!  I
repeat, go to your Designated Shelters!"
     The crowd started to scatter, but Cristal yelled into the microphone,
"Don't go.  Don't listen to the announcements!  The time has come to come out of
the closet.  The rumors are true.  Everyone here is being given a chance to keep
the Human, Holobody, and Ruff races alive.  I'm going to give you some
instructions, then I want each one of you to follow me into this museum where,
if all goes well, in 55 minutes we will be blasting off in the Blue Giant."
     She couldn't talk for another five minutes, due to the laughter and cheers,
mainly unbelieving laughter.  "This is no laughing matter!" she screamed as the
area quieted down again.  "The museum has been evacuated and the Blue Giant has
been removed from its case.  For the last month, members of our group have
stocked the vessel to meet every possible need that we may have in the next
10,000 years.  We have stocked 10,000 years worth of food for 50,000 people in
vacuum storage.  We have provided sleeping quarters for 50,000, a hospital,
laboratories, recreation rooms, and every other room imaginable on this ship, all
run in their own separate systems and monitored by Warren, a totally modernized
version of the computer that used to run this ship back in the 22nd century. 
We'll be totally safe from all M-bombs, for it is triple-armored with lead on all
sides.  It's equipped with a Thruster engine, to get around in a solar system;
a Tesseract engine, to instantly go between spots in the universe; and a Teleport
engine, to get us to the other side of the universe in less than a second; as
well as its original, refurbished hydrogen-run engine.  We are ready.  All I need
each of you to do is to enter Deck Two, the Shuttle Bay and there take the
assignment that one of the Ruffs will give you for sleeping quarters.  All
Peaceniks are to report to their sleeping quarters at once.  However, all
engineers, astronavigators, and console officers not assigned to engine duty are
to report to the Bridge for takeoff.  The Bridge is on Deck 12,345, Section A. 
If there are no further questions,  please start getting into the ship.  We have
only 45 minutes until take-off and we must go before the M-bombs come."
     The crowd formed a line around the building.  Cristal, Duke, and Raisa went
ahead of the crowd into the ship, rushing up to the Bridge.  From there, they
watched on the viewscreen that Warren got up for them as the crowd dwindled until
there were only ten people waiting to go in.  The clock said 1:55.  "Start
initial sequence and get the last group in the Shuttle Deck.  Ship sealed."
     The last ten stragglers found themselves sealed in the Shuttle bay with
1,999 Ruffs as the Thruster engine started.
     A screech of bombs was heard in the distance as the ship actually flew an
inch off the pedestal.  Everyone on board prayed as the ship made terrible
squeaks and groans, then finally, with a gigantic crash, made its way up through
the roof of the museum.  Then a dozen humans saw what was definitely a bomb go
down not a mile away.  The bomb blew as the Tesseract engine went into gear.  The
blast tore the air, but they found themselves beyond Mars's orbit, headed
straight for Phobos, and stopped dead.
     No one really noticed the ship stopping.  The spectacle outside was
unbearable, but had to be watched.  The M-bombs had hit - everywhere.  They saw
the Mars seem to light up in flames.  Some of those flames and the nuclear wind
seemed to rock the ship.  Then they saw the oceans blast in jets, then dry up in
a matter of minutes.  They couldn't bear to look at the land, which had become
something of the consistency of onyx - shiny and black.  Then the Mars was
covered in a dark, scary fog.  They knew that they were truly the last people in
the solar system - or the universe, or so they thought.




                               CHAPTER FIVE
     When the last bomb blew, the ship was still heading for Phobos.  But Raisa
saw it and came out of her stupor.  "Get going!" she yelled.  "Or we're gonna get
caught in Phobos's gravity!"
     The engineers came out of it and got the Tesseract engine going, moving
them far beyond Mars, out into the nearer reaches of Deep Space.  There, the
effects of the Meson Wind were starting to be felt.
     18,552 people were wandering the halls, engine rooms, Parks, and galleys
trying to find out where to sleep or work, in total chaos, when, after the second
tesser, the Thruster engine blew, due to Mesons that had penetrated the ship's
triple-armor.  Raisa was, unfortunately, in Engine Room One trying to fix the
Thruster engine that sounded funny to her, when it blew.  It was very sudden. 
One minute they were watching the screens, trying to figure out what was wrong,
the next the world blew up in bright red.  It wasn't a nuclear explosion, but it
was powerful.  The complete engineering crew in Engine Room One which consisted
of 20 holobodies (all from the Department of Defense), 3 Ruffs, and 240 humans
died in the flash.
     On the Bridge, the news came slowly.  The ship rocked for ten minutes, then
Cristal got in touch with each Engine Room, to find that the magnetic resonance
of the Meson-bombs had made communication between any two places in the ship
impossible.  She sent Duke down to see what happened.  While she was waiting for
Duke, Illia came running onto the Bridge with Duchess trailing.  "What happened,
Mom?  Is the monster gonna eat us all up?  Help me!"  her daughter rushed into
her arms and burst into tears.
     "Quiet down!" ordered Cristal.  "It can't be that bad!  I'm still here! 
And so's Duchess!"
     "Duchess is the greatest - next to Ron, that is," said Illia.
     "Where is Ron?" asked Cristal to Duchess.
     "He's in his sleeping quarters.  The M-waves gave him nausea.  It'll pass."
     "Illia, why don't you go and see Ron - he'll keep you busy."
     Illia ran out of the Bridge, followed by Duchess, as Duke came in.  Father
and daughter licked faces and rubbed noses, then went their separate ways.
     "What did you find?" asked Cristal.
     "Devastation!  It's terrible!"
     "What happened?"
     "The Thruster Engine blew up - must be the M-waves.  Raisa's dead."
     "Oh, no!"
     "She was right beside the engine.  Also, the two decks right above the
Thruster Engine were disintegrated.  Luckily they were mainly quarters for future
crew members and holobody-body storage areas."
     "How many were killed?"
     "10 Ruffs, 35 holobodies, 265 humans."
     "Do you think we can deal with this M-wave problem?"
     "We could with Raisa.  Now, I'm not sure.  It seems as if half the hollies
I talked to were nauseous.  I don't like it."
     "Warren, what's going on?" asked Cristal, finally remembering the ship's
computer.
     "I don't know," said the young man's dark-haired, blue-eyed face that
appeared in the big screen.
     "How can you not know?  You run the ship?"
     "I do?"
     "Yes.  Don't tell me you're getting nauseous!"
     "Well, I do feel kinda sick."
     "Computers don't get sick."
     "They do when they're totally immersed in Meson radiation."
     "But the ship was shielded."
     "We got the full dose.  M-waves can go through lead, you know."
     "No, I didn't know."
     "So, what do you think we can do?  We have to go further from Mars to get
beyond the M-waves."
     "Tesser."
     "The last time we tessered, the Thruster engine blew and killed over 300
people."
     "Try it again."
     "O.K."
     She told Duke to go down to Engine Room Two to tell them to make another
tesser.
     Five minutes later, they had tessered until they were many million light-
years from Mars, out in Deep Space.  Then the not-yet-started Teleport Engine
blew.  This wasn't technically a nuclear explosion either, more like a matter-
anti-matter war, but it felt the same.  "Why'd you tell us to tesser again?"
asked Cristal to the useless computer.
     "We needed to get away from Mars.  Those M-waves can go 10,000 million
times the speed of light - it's hard to out-run 'em."
     "Can you tell me what the damage was this time?"
     "Why don't you send the Old Ruff down again.  He needs his exercise."
     "No.  You tell me.  That seemed like ten times the explosion as the last
time.  What happened?"
     "O.K., I'll tell ya.  The Teleport engine blew."
     "Oh, no!  But why didn't the whole ship blow?"
     "Oh, I blew it all into anti-universe.  But the explosion was tremendous."
     "How many people were killed?"
     "I don't know."
     "Find out!"
     "O.K., O.K., you're making me sick to my stomach, you know."
     "You don't have a stomach."
     "Well, then, just sick."
     "Then get better.  You're running the show - I'm just giving the orders."
     "Calm down.  I've got the figures.  This time, Engine Room Three and 20
decks were disintegrated, mainly living quarters of Ruffs and holobodies - also
the main galley and 4 decks of cargo - mostly holobody bodies and Terraforming
supplies."
     "Is the ship sealed?"
     "You betcha."
     "So, how many dead?  How many wounded?"
     "None wounded," said the computer.
     "Thank God!" smiled Dr. Bach.
     "Don't thank Him too soon.  There were 575 Ruffs killed, 240 holobodies
disintegrated, and 2,152 humans killed."
     "My God!"
     "So, what can we do?"
     "Tesser again.  Before I get really sick - those waves are still reaching
us."
     "You never told us - are those M-waves fatal to any of us?"
     "Not in the short run, at least, that is, as long as you're not actually
near the explosion.  No one has the slightest idea what the long-term effects
are."
     "So we could all be dead soon?"
     "No big deal.  I've sealed you frail beings from the worst of it.  But I'm
really feeling sick.  May I rest for a while?"
     "After one more tesser.  It's the only engine we have left, except for the
original one.  Duke, go down and tell Engine Room Two to get cranking."
     "Are you sure?  What if they go this time?"
     "I'm sorry, Duke.  It's the only chance we have."
     "May I say goodbye to my daughter?"
     "All right.  She's in the hollie-cabbie's room with Illia."
     "Not anymore I'm not," said Duchess, entering the Bridge, followed by
Illia.
     "What are you doing here?"
     "Ron wanted to take a real long nap, so we left him to it.  We had an idea
to pass the time."
     "Great!  What's the idea?"
     "Could we try out those stasis booths?  I mean, it seems kinda dorky, them
bein' experimental and all, but it would at least be a way to get away from those
terrible, scary blasts - besides, it might be fun to not exist for a while."
     "Where are the stasis booths?"
     "Deck 145, Section D," answered Duchess.
     "Good - far away from the Engine Rooms.  All right, you can go.  I'll get
you out as soon as I can.  Here's the key-cards."
     Cristal handed Illia two ancient key-cards.
     After that, Duchess and Duke spent a long time saying goodbye, being the
only ones that really knew what could happen.  They rubbed noses, combed each
other's floppy ears, licked each other's faces, and finally said "goodbye" and
"I love you" about a thousand times.  Illia was getting impatient.
     "Let's go!" she yelled at Duchess.  "We want to be in before there's
another explosion!"
     "Make sure to give the keys to Poppins.  She'll keep you safe, should
anything happen while you're in stasis."
     "Stop naggin', Mom, we'll give the keys to that stupid 'droid so she can
tuck us into oblivion."
     "I love you," said Cristal under her breath as the two Ruffs and her
daughter left the Bridge.
     "I love you, too, Mom," yelled Illia back.
     Then they were gone.
     Duke went down and told the terrified people in Engine Room Two to go for
another tesser.  Hesitantly, Francis, the DD Holobody who had actually invented
the Tesseract Engine (not yet knowing what an M-wave was), told her crew to get
to work.  In five minutes they had tessered another two million light-years from
Mars and, in 27 more tessers, would have met up with the Red Dwarf, still in its
lethal cocoon period.  But they couldn't make 27 more jumps.
     Ten minutes after the tesser, Engine Room Two blew up.  This one was worse
than the Teleport Engine.  Warren had gone to sleep and Duke had never returned,
so Cristal got her Chief Astronavigator, Clyde Queensland, one of the rare living
Astronavigators (all Astronavigators at that time were a banned group that
learned their craft in secret, waiting for space travel to become legal again. 
All living and dead Astronavigators were Peaceniks, and most were holobodies.),
to go over to the explosion area and report on the damage.  Hesitatingly, he
went.
     Two hours later, eyes red with heart-wrenching crying, Clyde returned to
the Bridge.
     "What's the matter?" asked Cristal, knowing the worst, but also knowing
that Clyde had never shown a non-macho emotion in his life.
     "They're dead!" he cried.
     "What d'ya mean, they're dead?"
     "I mean, Engine Room Two and the surrounding 400 decks on top and below it
are disintegrated.   My best buddies - Bil and Franc - died in the explosion. 
Not to mention that cool cat Ron!  Just be thankful your daughter left his room
-she'd have been dead."
     "How many are there - give it to me straight?"
     "I don't have the exact figures.  Can't get over Bil and Franc - not to
mention Colleen, me girl, the loveliest hunk of female flesh was gonna marry me
next month - gone!"
     "You can go to your quarters and rest.  Just tell me the estimates."
     "I can't go to me quarters - they're gone!  Didn't I tell ya Bil and Franc
are dead!  They're me roomies!"
     "Just give me the straight poop."
     "Oh, all right, Decks 1,050 to 1,450 are gone - sealed up.  Engine Room Two
- disintegrated.  Estimate - all remaining holobodies, except for you, miss - he
pointed to the holobody who ran the science area - dead.  If you want a number,
it's around 1,700.  Also, 3,000 Ruffs gone - their quarters were mainly on those
decks, as were their Parks.  And, to top it off, around 4,500 humans dead. 
That's almost half the Peaceniks in one shot - I thought the other engine was
more powerful!"
     "It is - but tessering's more dangerous."
     "Can I go now - I'm gonna go down to the Pub and drink myself to oblivion. 
Anyone who wants to come can join me."
     "I'll go," said Jean Wood, the Last Holobody.
     "Warren - wake up!" yelled Cristal, sick of the sick computer - and also
sick with fright.
     "What d'ya want?" asked Warren.
     "You've gotta help us!  Are all the decks sealed?  Did Illia and Duchess
safely get in the stasis booths?  Are we gonna make it, mate?  And, by the way,
where's Tony?  You never told me where he was when all this happened."
     "I don't wanna tell you now."
     "Why not?"
     "You'll kill me!"
     "I won't kill you - it would kill me!"
     "O.K. - he was working with the crew on the Teleport Engine."
     "So, he's dead too.  I shoulda brought him to the Bridge."
     "That's what I always said."
     "When did you say that?"
     "To myself."
     "Please excuse me, I have to go somewhere and sort this out.  Where's the
safest deck and section, besides the Bridge?"
     "Oh, I dunno, probably near the biology floor.  They have a little R&R room
there - on Deck 146."
     "I'll be there, then, if you need me."
     "I won't.  I'm going back to sleep."
     "Not until you figure out how to move this ship without an engine!"
     "But we are moving - and away from Mars."
     "How?"
     "The emergency engine is running on hydrogen - can run forever."
     "That can't be true!"
     "It is," piped in the young Assistant Astronavigator.
     "How fast are we going?"
     "Oh, roughly Mach Five.  Slow acceleration."
     "Any obstructions?"
     "Nothing can hit us for the next two-and-a-half million years, according
to my scan."
     "Good - any planets around?  By the way, how are the shuttle bays?"
     "Intact, but not in the greatest shape."
     "Then if we see an S-3 planet, we can send out a team."
     "Sure.  But the closest S-3 planet is roughly 2,000 light-years away.  At
this speed, we'll all be dead by that time."
     "Think positive - our brilliant kids can get us out of this mess."
     "I wouldn't count on Illia if I were you!"
     "I know - I wasn't referring to my kid."
     Cristal was not in the greatest frame of mind, having lost her husband and
two of her best friends, not to mention over half of the people she had brought
to the ship to save the races.  All she wanted was oblivion, but Duchess and
Illia had taken the only two stasis booths.  Well, they can try to carry on the
lines, she thought.
     She met Poppins, the golden, almost-human 'droid who helped her in her
medical practice and babysitting.  The droid was frantic, running around the
biology deck, yelling incoherently.
     "Calm down!" yelled Cristal.  At the familiar voice, the Medi-droid calmed
down the slightest bit, but her voice became coherent.  "It's a disaster!" she
yelled.
     "What is?  I know about the engines blowing up, what could be worse?"
     "This."
     Poppins pointed to a couple of spilled petri dishes and test-tubes on the
floor of a sealed biology lab.
     "So, a little mess.  Clean it up," said Cristal, trying to open the sealed
door that Poppins was pointing through.
     "No!  It's gone into the ventilation system!  See?"
     Cristal looked where Poppins pointed.  There was a large open vent, with
bits and pieces of the mess flying into it.  "That does it, I'm going in there!"
     "No - you can't!"
     "Why not?"
     "That's what I've been trying to tell you, Ma'am.  Those are not just
bacteria molds or chemicals - this room was to be the experimental disease lab. 
Those were top-secret Deadly Disease Vials taken by Trish, the Head of the
Medical Holobodies in the NEIH, so that they would not be used in warfare.  They
were here so that the biologists could make antibodies to combat those diseases,
should we ever come upon them in an alien environment.
     "You mean - they're a plague?"
     "Trish told me that AIDS and the Black Death together were not as bad as
one of those vials."
     "Then we've gotta seal off the ventilation system!"  She started pacing
around the room.
     "If we do, we shall die of suffocation - that is, you shall."
     "Then we have to get a medical team to combat the diseases right away."
     "Cannot be done.  Half of the medical team was bunked down in Deck 1075."
     "What about the rest?"
     "I shall find them."
     "Get to it!"
     "Why do we not gather the survivors and make way on a shuttle to the
nearest planet?"
     "I don't think that'll work.  Warren runs the shuttles and he's still
asleep, but wake him up.  Tell him we have a real crisis on our hands this time."
     Warren tried to wake up.  But he felt so sick.  Even with the last tesser,
he still felt the remnants of the M-waves.  When Cristal called him from the
safest part of the biology deck, it took him over 15 minutes to even get his
image up on the screen.
     "What took you so long?  There are people dying around here!"
     "I know - the engines blew up!  Tell me something new."
     "There are five deadly diseases making their way through the ventilation
system.  I want them found and the decks they are on evacuated and sealed."
     "But, according to my calculations, they are on all decks by now."
     "Then why didn't you seal them up?"
     "And kill 10,000 people by suffocation?"
     "You mean there isn't one clean section of the whole ship?"
     "Not counting the stasis booths - no."
     "So my daughter and her friend are perfectly safe. . ."
     "But the rest of you are going to die.  Can I go back to sleep now?"
     "Get communications up - I want to speak to the whole ship."
     "O.K. - you asked for it."
     The computer seemed to go dead for about a half-hour, then Warren came back
on the screen.  "It's all set.  Say on."
     Cristal cleared her throat, wondering frantically what to say.  "Attention
please!  Attention, please!  Red alert!  Red alert!  We are in a serious
emergency situation.  All medical personnel please report to Sick Bay, Deck 147,
Sections A to T.  All other personnel, stay in your quarters and stay calm. 
Further information will come shortly.  For now, over 10,000 Peaceniks have died
in the blowing up of our three engines due to M-waves.  Please, all clergy report
to the Chapel, Deck 230, Section H, to discuss a memorial service.  You will get
reports regularly, but, for now, stay calm."
     After she stopped talking, she could hear what seemed like a herd of
elephants stomping through the ship - everyone was going crazy!  Nevertheless,
a number of doctors, nurses, and medical assistants made their way to Deck 147. 
These, she briefed on the disease situation.  In the midst of her speech on the
importance of finding a vaccine and soon, the ship rocked again, as if there had
been another explosion.  Then, as the medical personnel were starting to panic,
the screen in the briefing room went a bright red, shattered in a billion sparks,
then went blank.  Cristal told the meds to get on with their work, then rushed
up to the Bridge.
     "What happened?" she cried as she ran onto the Bridge.
     No one answered her, they all just stared at the ship's control panels.
     Cristal thought herself in a nightmare.  Each one of the ship's control
panels, representing parts of Warren, was somehow imploded.  A number of crew
members were injured.  The large screen on the Bridge was blank.  She took in the
look of the place, then said again, "what happened here?"
     Another rare living Astronavigator finally found his voice.  "It was
terrible!" he said, holding back tears.  "Warren kept complaining that the M-
waves were still reaching him.  Then the screen went red, then a billion sparks
came out of it, then, as it blanked out, every control panel, every bit of Warren
we could find, just exploded into itself.  I don't know what to do!"
     "Calm down!"
     "That's what you told Duke and the rest of them.  We can't calm down. 
We're as dead now as we would be if we had stayed on Mars.  What was the use of
going into space?"
     "It gave us a chance.  Maybe some of us will survive.  We still have the
shuttles - maybe one of them runs manually."
     "I doubt it."
     "Well, don't just stand there - we have a crisis on our hands!"
     "I know - why haven't you told the whole ship about the spill of diseases?"
     "How did you find out?"
     "Poppins told us."
     "I didn't tell them because I didn't want them to panic more than they
already are."
     "Do you yet know the nature of those diseases?"
     "No, but we have every available medical person on the job."
     "Then why aren't you in Sick Bay - you're the best medical person we have?"
     "O.K. - I'll go back to Sick Bay.  But all of you must try to get Warren
back up and running.  When he's gone, it's only a matter of time before we all
die."
     "Life Support systems are not run by Warren.  We'll live."
     "But not for long."




                                CHAPTER SIX
     They found out the nature of the first disease when the first doctor came
down with it.  It was a cruel speeded-up version of AIDS, called DEDS by the
military.  The doctor was fine one minute, then he started losing about 10 pounds
every minute.  When he died 30 minutes later, he was no more than a skeleton
(this particular doctor's nickname was 'Chubbo.').  Soon much of the crew had it
and over 100 people died in an hour.  Each person was rushed to Sick Bay, only
to die before they could find a way to stop it.  Autopsies would have helped,
but, in most cases, the doctor doing the autopsy would be dead of the disease
before he finished his work.  Even working in groups of five, not one would make
it.  However, it was soon quarantined on the middle 100 decks of the ship.
     The second disease made its way through the remaining Ruffs.  Duchess's
brother Fred, a nurse in Sick Bay, was the first to get the disease.  One minute
he was trying to help, the next, he was a Mad Dog.  He tried to bite the human
doctors and he ran around the deck yelping and howling.  Finally, Cristal got a
tranquilizer gun from the experimental laboratory and, with tears in her eyes,
shot him.  He calmed down, but was dead in less than an hour.  Those Defense
people sure knew how to kill people.  It was horrible!
     The third disease was only contracted by one person, the only person left
for whom the disease would work on.  Jean Wood, the Last of the Holobodies, was
drunk in the 365th-Deck Pub with Chief Astronavigator Clyde Queensland.  They
were laughing, giggling, trying to find something funny in the death of everyone
they had ever known and loved.  (Jean was Raisa's best friend and had wanted to
vent some steam since the first engine blew.)  But hours into their fiesta,
something started happening to Jean.  First, she thought it the effect of the
alcohol on her stolen computer.  Then she thought it was the after-effects of the
M-waves (she had felt nausea along with the rest of her race).  Then, all of the
sudden, her stomach blew out of her, onto the floor of the Pub.  Dizzy, she
laughed as Clyde picked it up and handed it to her.  As she put it back on, the
hand holding the stomach fell off.  Then she really started going crazy.  Clyde
watched in pure horror, through his haze of drunkenness, as Jean did a crazy
dance, then a few somersaults, then started speaking utter nonsense, over and
over again.  Then, just as Clyde was going to go to her to calm her down, get her
back to her quarters for some rest (he had forgotten that the main holobody
quarters had blown up, as he had forgotten his own name), when she blew up,
literally.  Every bit of her shattered into a million pieces, including her
computer, which was reduced to minute piles of silicon, ceramic, and metal.  
     Clyde pinched himself, to convince himself that he was dreaming, but he
wasn't.  He searched through the dust-like piles of components, hoping that some
bit of Jean was still left (he had fallen in love with her during the encounter). 
When he saw there were none, he had another whiskey, hoping to find peace in
oblivion.  He got his wish unexpectedly by contracting DEDS within the next hour
and dying less than two hours after Jean.
     The fourth disease was more potent than the other three, as this was one
that Trish had secretly stolen from NEIH, who had secretly stolen it from the
top-secret New-Neo-Nazi Hall of Medicine in Beijing.  It could hit any of the
species - and it did.  The first to contract the disease were a 20-year-old New
Zealand human woman and her 22-year-old Ruff boyfriend.  They were in her
quarters, hugging each other through the blasts and the demise of the computer,
when he saw he was developing green spots.  She saw that she had them too. 
Quickly, they rushed to Sick Bay.  This disease was called the Slow Death by its
makers, so they made it to Sick Bay.  There, it progressed in horrible ways. 
First, almost all their skin turned green (a green dog-man is a revolting
sight!).  Then their hair turned grey, then it fell off.  Finally, the green
stuff worked like acid through their skin, finally eating through their hearts
and brains five hours later.  Compared to the other diseases, this was a slow and
agonizing death, as they were in pain the whole time.  Cristal, wearing her
sterile gear which she no longer took off, set the whole crew of doctors to find
a cure for the symptoms of this disease, so that they would have time to find the
cure.
     While the doctors were working on this - and untold hundreds of green-
spotted people started filling up Sick Bay, Cristal went alone to a quieter place
near the biology lab - in fact, she went to the experimental lab where the stasis
booths are to make totally certain that they were sealed tight and her daughter
would make it through the ordeal.  Once she was sure of this, she gave
instructions to Poppins on how to take care of her daughter and the Ruff should
she die.  She programmed the droid to only let them out when there wasn't the
slightest microbe of disease left on board and not the slightest M-wave, she was
afraid of both.  Then she told her to look after Illia well, make sure she grew
up smart and happy, and to find the rest of humanity, if there was any anywhere. 
(There had been rumors that other groups had stolen ships during the 100,000-Year
War and went out to colonize Deep Space).  The droid nodded and said, "yes", so
Cristal's mind was calmed.  Then she went to the adjoining R&R room for a nap. 
When she woke from the nap, it would have been too late to give her instructions.




                               CHAPTER SEVEN
     The fifth disease hit the originator of the whole journey first.  This one
was one that was stolen from NEIH, which was stolen from the New-Neo-Nazi
Biological Warfare Lab, which was stolen from Chi We-Song, the leader of the
Biological Warfare Department of the New-Neo-Nazis, who had the deadliest,
cruelest disease known to man in his secret lab.  Cristal caught this disease,
known among the NEIH people as the Slowest Death.
     Because it was the Slowest Death, Cristal didn't realize she had contracted
it until she had left the biology lab and returned to Sick Bay, where some slight
progress on the slowing-down of the Slow Death had begun.  They were able to keep
the people alive (and in pain, despite the pain-killers) for over eight hours
now.  But no progress on the actual disease had come about, since over half the
doctors had contracted this disease.
     Cristal was working on treating her best friend, Dr. Miriam Toulouse from
the State Hospital of New Paris, for the Slow Death, when she realized she was
sick.  It started out as simple nausea, so she thought, like the holobody, that
it was only M-waves.  But after Miriam died, Cristal's body started doing things
she couldn't explain.  She went back to the R&R room and slept another six hours. 
Unfortunately, in those six hours over 3,000 crew members had died of the first
four diseases and another 2,000 had contracted the fifth. 1,843 had died of
various diseases before she went to sleep, so there weren't too many people left
to take care of the ship.
     Returning to Sick Bay, she found that a number of the other doctors (all
of the ones that hadn't contracted any other disease) were nauseous.  She told
them all to take off for a few hours and rest - she'd handle the patients with
Poppins' help.
     In her six hours in Sick Bay, the remaining 920 crew members had contracted
the five diseases, the countdown had started.  Poppins helped her during the
hours that the other doctors (and every other person coming into Sick Bay with
nausea) were asleep.  Poppins kept asking for clarifications on her orders for
the treatment of Duchess and Illia, and Cristal kept saying, "It can wait."
     Poppins kept saying, "No, it can't!  You must have the fifth disease!"
     "No!  How could I have that?"
     "Were not you nauseous just a short time ago?"
     "Yes, but what does that have to do with it?"
     "I believe you have the Fifth Disease - and that is its first symptom."
     "O.K. - so what are its other symptoms?"
     "They are not showing yet.  Trish told me the Fifth Disease was called by
its maker, Chi We-Song, as the Slowest Death."
     "Shouldn't that hurt more?  I don't feel anything."
     "I think you soon will, but I shall hope that you do not."
     They continued to nurse the green-spotted people, all of which died before
they could come up with a cure, as more came in.  The second symptom showed
itself at about the time the other doctors returned from their rest, feeling
better, they said.
     Cristal was discussing with them how they could possibly help the people
suffering from the Slow Death when she fainted, dead away.
     The doctors rushed to her side, but it took her over a half-hour to get up.
     "I believe you're right," she whispered to Poppins when she woke up.  "This
sure hurts bad.  Get me in bed and inform the rest of the doctors that they have
Disease Five and start them working on a cure!"
     Poppins rushed to do her will, as she moaned and writhed on the Sick Bay
bed, trying to imagine what sort of world her daughter and her daughter's friend
would come back to.  Then her mind blacked out again.
     When she came to, she felt different.  "Have I slept long?  Am I in a
dream?"  She asked the last question because she could see through the other
doctor.
     "No!  It's the next level of Disease Five.  We call it hologrammitis, since
it seems to turn you into a hologram, without the 'H'."
     "You mean you can see through me too!"
     "Yes, it has a kind of fading effect.  I doubt you could touch or pick up
anything right now - I can't!"
     She tried to pick up the glass of water beside her bed.  Her hand slipped
right through it.  She screamed.  The doctor came over and held her hand.
     "But if I can't touch anything, why can I touch you?"
     "Only people with the disease can touch other people with the disease."
     "How horrid!  Get Poppins!"
     "I'm right here, ma'am," said Poppins, walking toward her from the corner
where she was watching the progress of the disease.
     "How many people have it?"
     "As far as I can tell, ma'am, everyone except me and the people who have
the other four diseases."
     "You mean there will be no living person on this ship when Illia and
Duchess come out of the stasis booths?"
     "Yes, ma'am, except for me, ma'am."
     "Then be very careful when telling them about this.  Whatever you do, don't
tell Illia there's a disease that makes you into a temporary hologram - she may
want to contract it!  Whatever you do, don't let any diseases or M-waves hit
those two!  They are all humanity has left!"
     "Yes, ma'am."
     "Have they come up with any possible cures for this disease?"
     "Yes, we have," asked the pseudo-hologrammatic doctor.  "But now we can't
touch them and we can't take them, even if they did work."
     "Isn't anyone still in the earlier stages of the disease?"
     "No, the last one went into Stage Three about three hours ago.  About 550
have already faded away."
     "What do you mean, faded away?"
     "That's how Hologrammitis sufferers die.  They just fade into invisibility
- become nothing.  Die."
     "How close am I?"
     "Unfortunately, it looks as if you are fading quite fast.  Poppins, can you
try to give Cristal the last batch of our serum?"
     "I shall try - but it will go right through her," said the droid.
     "Try anyway!" yelled Cristal.
     The droid came back with a beaker of evil-smelling chemicals.  Cristal
opened her mouth and Poppins poured it down her throat.  But it didn't go down
her throat, it poured right onto the sheets of her bed.  She was doomed.
     Three hours later, the last Hologrammitis sufferer faded into oblivion,
five hours after the last Slow Death sufferer had acided away.  The ship was
dead.  And the hope for the human race was in two independently-operated stasis
booths - a 10-year-old girl, her Ruff friend Duchess, and the droid Poppins who
held the keys to their stasis tanks, the last animate being on the dead ship.




                               CHAPTER EIGHT
     Poppins took the years of loneliness well, as only an android can.  First,
she gave decent burial to as many bodies as she could find, giving them a eulogy,
then shooting their bodies out into the vacuum of space to become short-lived,
freeze-dried meteors.  She also dumped all the disintegrated holobody-bodies on
the three holobody-body cargo holds.
     After all the bodies had been taken care of, she spent her time cleaning
up the ship, sanitizing it so that the two people in the stasis booths could be
brought back.  With over 15,000 decks to clean, even at super-human speeds,
Poppins worked at it for over 200 years.  Finally, the decks were spotless.  The
diseases had been cleaned away.  Poppins even cleaned her own body, piece by
piece, so that no slight microbe could get to her precious cargo.
     However, the M-waves were still present on the ship.  Prior to the cleaning
expedition, Poppins had found an M-wave tracer.  It revealed an extremely large
dosage of M-waves still on the ship, despite Warren's martyr-like protection. 
The people could not be let out of the stasis booths.
     Having untold numbers of hours on her hands, the industrious droid decided
to learn all she could about humanity.  First, she dug up all existing vid-tapes
and watched every human movie she could find.  Most movies really bothered her
-the violence, the evilness, the disgusting slashers!  Some, though, she really
liked.  She watched "Casablanca" fifteen times.  She watched "It's a Wonderful
Life" twenty times.  She liked the whole "Star Wars" trilogy and all ten "Star
Trek" movies so well she watched them all thirty times each.   After each one,
she tested herself on human nature and emotions.  Finally, she watched a large
number of sentimental Ruff-made movies that broke what primitive heart she had
and made pseudo-tears come to her plastic eyes.  In fact, she watched so many
vids that she forgot herself.  She watched every movie she could find, some up
to fifty times.  This took well over a millennium.  
     Then she read all the vid-books on board, especially all the religious and
philosophical books.  She really liked the Bible, after the sappy sentiment of
"Ruffs in Disneyland" and other B-rated classics.  The Koran and the Bhagivad
Gita made her wish she was human, until she realized she was even better.  Then
she read Kant, Nietzsche, Hegel, Freud, Jung, and Plato, the Complete Works, only
to find herself somehow falling asleep for over a millennium.  This intellectual
stuff was really too much for a semi-emotional medi-droid whose main functions
were to be nurse and babysitter.  Looking for some humor, to understand human
humor, she found a series of books by Douglas Adams, but, not seeing what was so
funny in them, gave up.  Trying again, she watched the complete works of the
Three Stooges, Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, Yin and Yang, the complete
series of MASH, and read and saw the movie for every play by Neil Simon and Sussi
Boistrum.  Still, she couldn't understand human humor.  It was just too stupid. 
Then she watched everything Monty Python had ever made and every show of "Fawlty
Towers", "Dinosaurs", "Family Ties", "Cheers", "Three's Company", "My Father, the
Hologram", "Milky Way", and "Morty Dravis".  Still, no understanding.  Then she
found a vid-book of Stupid Elephant Jokes.  She laughed as she read the thing
2,567 times, with so much laughter that it took 2,000 years to stop laughing. 
Finding similar books on Stupid Android Jokes, Stupid Knock-Knock Jokes, and
Stupid Dirty Jokes, she was able to while away over 100,000 years.
     Finally coming to her senses, believing that she had found the real meaning
of human humor, she checked the decks for M-waves.  The readings were still far,
far above what could be safe for humans.  She also found that the dust had
settled, so she spent another two centuries cleaning all the decks again.  Then
she sterilized all her components again.  Then she returned to her studies, as
the level was still too high.
     This time, she memorized all components, functions, and programs for the
running of the Blue Giant.  On the side, she also studied the recording,
manufacturing, and procedure of revivification for holobodies, remembering that
Illia liked them so much and that not even one body was left on board.  She spent
five millennia after that trying in vain to revive Warren, but he was really dead
and it was impossible to get him back.  Well, she'd have to continue on alone,
but it would be nice to have someone to talk to who wouldn't die the moment she
let them out of the stasis booth.  "Oh, well, back to work," she thought.
     This time, she tried to rebuild all three engines.  But the materials
weren't available, so nothing could be done.  After over a million years of
messing around the ship, Poppins could do no more.  She went down to the 365th-
Deck Pub and mixed a concoction she had found in a Bartender's Guide, guaranteed
to get even the coldest mechanoid tipsy.  She stayed drunk for many, many
millennia.  During her drunken state, the Blue Giant encountered a very heavy
meteor shower, one that could knock the ship completely astray.  The pounding
increased Poppins's ever-increasing hangover.  Then the ship hit an asteroid,
that was really almost a small moon, which made a large dent right in the middle
of the ship and knocked Poppins out cold.
     While Poppins was knocked out, the Meson radiation lessened.  Also, the
ship had been increasing speed and had now reached close to half the speed of
light.  At that point, nearing the two-and-a-half-million-year drifting mark, the
ship passed through the corona of a sun so far from the solar system that human
scientists had never even named it.  The ship stayed in the corona of the sun for
a few hours, scorching the blue exterior, melting much of the lead lining, and
melting some of Poppins's neutronic brain, so that she no longer remembered the
name of the two women in the stasis booths, as well as much of the history of the
world and much of her memory of her research.  All that was left of her holobody
research was a little smidgen about the basic way of putting a manufactured face
together.  The philosophers and religions were gone.  Finally, with even a slight
flaw melted into the stasis field, causing a slight memory loss in Duchess and
Illia, the Blue Giant got up enough speed to pull away from the sun.
     When the hull temperature was back to normal, Poppins still hadn't woken
up.  Between the sun's damage and the drinks' damage, Poppins was a very sick
droid.  She turned herself off and was only awakened 400,000 years later when
another major meteor shower knocked her 'on' switch on.
     She woke up with a start, feeling the slight melting depression in her
skull.  Then she sat for a long time trying to figure out who she was, where she
was, and all that she knew.  She was able to come up with most answers, but the
missing pieces were bothersome.
     She explored the ship again, cleaning and searching out the M-wave reading. 
Thankfully, her meter had lasted through the sun.  It showed her that the waves
had finally reached safe levels for humans and Ruffs.  Then she spent another
long time trying to figure out why that bit of information was important. 
Putting her hands in her pockets to think, she felt the key-cards.  "That's it!"
she thought.  "What's-her-name and the Ruff are in stasis still.  Now I can let
them out.  Companionship at last!"
     She wandered through the ship, cleaning the whole time, until two weeks
later she finally found the stasis booths.  Thankfully, the fusion-batteries had
not gone dead.  She noticed the booths were slightly scorched, but so was
everything else on the ship, so she thought nothing of it.  She unlocked the
booths and a 10-year-old blonde New Australian girl and a 25-year-old Cocker-line
Ruff woman stepped out.  Poppins was thankful to see that they were healthy and
unharmed, although she somehow couldn't remember their names.
     "Who are you?" asked Poppins.
     "Don't you know us?" asked the girl.
     "I think I vaguely remember you."  The droid thought hard.
     "I'm Duchess Rimera, you know the Head Ruff's daughter.  And this is. . ."
     "Juliet," whispered Illia.
     "A darling girl from New Australia, whose mother came up with this voyage
idea.  Where is Cristal anyway?" asked Duchess.
     "It's terrible!  It's just terrible!" yelled Poppins.
     "What's terrible?" asked Illia.
     "What happened."
     "This ship sure looks nice." said Illia.  "But where is everybody?"
     "Dead," said Poppins, the memory pounding through her head.
     "What do you mean, dead?" asked Duchess.
     "I mean, dead."
     "You mean the rest of the engines blew?" asked Illia.
     "Yes, they did."
     "How long were we in stasis?"
     "I really don't know.  At least two and a half million years."
     "What do you mean, at least two and a half million years?"  Illia was
stunned beyond belief.
     "I mean what I said."
     "Where's Warren? I gotta speak to him!" cried Illia.
     "Warren's dead.  I can't revive him," mourned Poppins.
     "You mean, he stayed asleep?"
     "No, I mean he imploded himself!  He was gone long ago!"
     "So you're serious we've been in stasis for over 2 million years."
     "Actually, closer to three million.  My mind's a little melted, but I'd say
the best estimate is that you have been in stasis for two million, nine hundred
thousand and two years."
     "So they're all dead.  Just like the solar system is."  Illia started to
cry.  Duchess held her tight and they stayed like that, drenched in tears, for
a long, long time.
     "How did Mom die?" asked Illia after a while.
     "Of the Fifth Disease."
     "I thought they died when the engines blew?"
     "About half died with the engines - thank God you didn't see the Tesseract
engine go - it disintegrated 400 Decks."
     "You mean my Dad's dead too?" asked Duchess.
     "Yes, he was one of the first to go."
     "What about my brother?" whined Duchess.
     "Fred?  He died of Disease Two."
     "What are these Diseases?"
     "Only things that were brought on the ship as a way to cure the diseases
should they be out in space.  They were stolen from the Deadly Disease Labs of
the New-Neo-Nazis Biological Warfare Department."
     "It must have been horrible!  How long ago did the last one die?"
     "About 2,900,000 years ago."
     "And the microbes were still about till now?"
     "No.  The disease germs were gone within a few thousand years.  But there
was lethal M-waves on the ship until now."
     "Why does everything look melted?"
     "I believe we passed very close to a sun about a half-million years ago."
     "Why didn't you get us out of there then?"
     "I was knocked out by a meteor.  I didn't wake up till just now.  And boy,
do I have a headache!"
     "This just can't be!  You're telling me that we are the last living beings
in the Universe?"
     "As far as I can tell."
     "Then why live?"
     "That's what I thought," sighed Poppins.
     The three of them slinked down to the Pub and started drinking.  A year
later they had all had enough of chasing away the blues.  Illia decided that,
even if she was the last woman in the universe, there was still a billions-to-one
chance that there may be another man still in the universe, if so, she needed to
be ready for it.  It was the only chance humanity had.




                               CHAPTER NINE
     The three females returned to the habitation decks.  They first took a week
of sleeping to get over their hangovers.  Then Illia got sick of the passive
schedule.  "Let's do something!" she yelled.
     "What can we do?"  Duchess frowned.
     "Come on, Poppins, what can we do?"  Illia shook the droid in her
frustration.
     "We could try to revive Warren, after all, we don't know where we're going
or what's out there," suggested Poppins.
     "But you already tried to revive him - and we know less about computers
than you do," Illia sighed.
     "What about the shuttles?" asked Duchess.
     "I thought they were run by Warren?" 
     "I saw them.  But I never really tried to work one.  Wouldn't they be all
rusted out and useless by now?" asked Poppins.
     "Maybe not.  Mom said there was one deck that was in some kind of vacuum
storage.  A spare-shuttle-deck-like place," Illia smiled.
     "Of course - the Spare Shuttle Deck, deck 5.  Let's go!" Poppins urged them
on.
     They made their way to the Express Lift, still somehow working after all
this time.  "Are you sure you want to go this way?" asked Illia, scared of
getting stuck in the rickety thing.
     "It's the only way," said Poppins.
     The way down to Deck 5 was very long.  The trip took over five hours and
they had no Warren to give them the in-lift movie or refreshments.  Just the
squeak of the cage going down, down, down, down, down until they felt like they
would fall off the bottom of the ship.  Finally, what seemed like an eternity
later, the thing stopped and the door opened.
     Coming off the lift, they found only a locked, sealed door.  "The farger's
locked!" screamed Illia.
     "I have the key."  Poppins took a large key out of her pocket and inserted
it in the lock.  She turned it and the door creaked open.  It was a door through
which a hundred people could walk side by side and never touch each other or the
sides of the door.  It was huge.  The deck they found themselves on was also
huge.  They walked about five miles before ever seeing a shuttle.  Then Duchess
saw something from a distance.  They ran to it.  It was indeed a shuttle, a large
silver shuttle with two large windows, seating for 40, and what looked like a
small kitchen.  Unfortunately, they couldn't get in it.  "What's wrong with this
thing?" asked Duchess.
     "I believe the problem is the same old problem - no Warren.  I think even
to get into the shuttlecraft, you must be linked with Warren.  I'll have to read
up on it again," sighed Poppins.
     "Then it's no use!"  Illia was downtrodden.
     "We'll have to think of something else.  What about the Navcomp?  Is it
still running?" asked Duchess.
     "I don't know.  It was working about a million years ago, but I don't know
now.  But you do realize that the Navcomp chamber is on Deck 8,453 and we'll have
to use the  Express Lift," Poppins frowned.
     "I don't care!  We have to do something or we'll end up in the stomach of
this monster as it rams into a moon or a planet or some other spaceship and blows
us all up!"
     "Very well, we'll do it," said Poppins.
     They took the boring Express Lift up to Deck 8,453.  There, they found that
the Navcomp was working.  "See, I was right," Illia smirked.
     "But what can we do now?" asked Duchess.
     "Why can't we use the Navcomp to revive Warren?  They're both computers,
aren't they?"
     "Yes.  But Warren was a much stronger, smarter computer.  This little
navcomp'll never come close to reviving him," pointed out Poppins.
     "But we have to try.  Otherwise, we'd just be hanging about, waiting to
die."
     "How to do it, though?  That is the question," sighed Poppins.
     "Surely you know the answer!  Didn't you read every book and see every vid
on board during our time in stasis?" asked Illia.
     "Sure - but that scuffle with the star messed me up."
     "But we have to try."
     Reluctantly, Poppins helped Duchess and Illia run a wire from Warren's
Central Processing Unit to the CPU of the Navcomp.  Then Poppins tried to
reprogram Warren using the Navcomp.  No go.  The one computer was dead and only
drained power out of the other.  Then the Navcomp started acting weird.  First
it called for Red Alert, then its screens blinked on and off in different colors,
then, to the women's horror, it imploded into itself, just as Warren had.
     "Nice job!" cried Illia.  "Great!  Now we don't have a Navcomp either!  So
we can just run into the next planet or asteroid without any direction at all!"
     "You were the one who said to do it," pointed out Duchess.
     "Yes!  But you guys acted like it could be done!"  Illia was indignant.
     "Then what do we do now?"
     "Where are we going to live?" asked Duchess.
     "I believe there must be thousands of sleeping quarters in this thing,"
answered Illia, "Mom said it could house 50,000.  So, Poppy, my dear, where can
we rest our heads?"
     "I don't know.  Let's explore."
     They went through about two hundred decks before they came upon a deck that
was just filled with sleeping quarters.  "Where do you want to sleep?" Illia
asked Duchess.
     "Let's be roomies!" answered Duchess.
     "Of course, but where?"
     "Right here," said Duchess, entering into the largest room they had yet
seen.  The name "Bach" was on the door, but not one of them really remembered
what those letters meant.  Inside were three bunks, one much smaller than the
others.  It was clean, but very sterile - white walls, white beds, and blank
screens where Warren was supposed to come on, but he was gone.
     "This is perfect," smiled Illia.  "Let's start fixing it up."
     "The best linen is in the vacuum storage deck, level 543." (They were on
deck 440).
     Illia moaned, but they all took the lift back up to the vacuum storage
area.  They took five hours picking out just exactly the right bed linens, drapes
(for their tiny porthole), wallpaper, clothing (they had hit upon the women's
clothes storage), and games - and just about anything they could find that would
be useful.
     They took another three hours transporting all the stuff back to the living
quarters.  When it was all there, Duchess sighed, "that was quite a job.  Let's
hit the sack."
     "No way - it's still early yet!"  Illia was full of energy.  "Besides, we
have to fix up the cabin."
     With another long sigh, Duchess helped them make the beds, hang up the
curtains and the wallpaper, and put the clothes in the closets.  She had to
admit, it looked a farging lot better afterwards than it did before.  She and
Poppins had decided that Duchess got the bottom bunk (Illia was taking the small
one made for her).  Duchess flopped onto her bunk.  "What!  Are you tired!  Don't
you wanna play Super-Duper Trivial Pursuit with me?"
     "Maybe tomorrow."
     "Why not today?"
     "I'm tired.  Can't you see that."
     "Oh, all right.  I guess we'd better get to bed."  Duchess breathed a sigh
of relief, as did Poppins who was trying to figure out how to break it to her
gently that her mother wanted her to stay well (Poppins had just now started
remembering Cristal's orders).




                                CHAPTER TEN
     Poppins remembered Cristal's orders again.  So, since she needed no sleep,
while Illia and Duchess slept, Poppins took the Express Lift up to floor 4,552,
where she knew all of the movies, vid-books, and other media were kept in vacuum
storage - the ones that she hadn't left out to melt during her own studies.  The
lift ride was very dull, but, being an android, that didn't make much difference. 
     Finally, two hours later, she made it to the storage floor.  To her dismay,
the place was an absolute mess (when she cleaned, she conveniently forgot the
storage decks).  Over three-quarters of the little vacuum storage balls of vids
and vid-books were melted completely - making a sort of slippery, molten lake
through the center of the deck.  Most of the metal had cooled down, but there
were red spots here and there where, by accident, she stepped on and got her foot
scorched.  In the center of the lake was a surprisingly small pile of intact
vacuum-storage-balls.  She made her way to this pile, where she methodically
opened each ball and analyzed its contents.  Unfortunately, much that had been
saved was really junk - Ruff movies, not-very-funny sitcoms, Earth B-movies, an
occasional cult film, old bestsellers that wouldn't make any sense anymore, and
disk upon disk of useless Earth trivia.  Finally, after searching for another two
hours, she hit what she was looking for.  The one ball contained all that she
needed to start Illia's schooling, with certain undeniable and sorry exceptions. 
What she took back, as a start, were the vid-books of Hugo Einstein's Basic Math
Theory, Hilda Hemingway's Literacy, Tiva Lieuwenhok's Basic Biology, Judy
Heisenberg's Rudimentary Physics, Filalal Freud's Social Sciences Made Easy, and
Skinner Watson's The Beginnings of Chemistry.  These she bundled up in a bag. 
Then she carefully made her way across the sea of molten metal to the lift.  When
she returned to the sleeping quarters, the others were still fast asleep.  She
decided then to work out her next session's lesson plans, like the nanny that she
was supposed to be, and kept at it until the girls awoke at noon.
     Finally, Illia and Duchess opened their eyes and slowly got out of bed. 
Illia said, "I'll race you to the shower!", so both of them ran like little
children to the shower stalls, ignoring Poppins completely.  When they returned
to the sleeping quarters an hour later, they were ready to start the day, that
is, after a large breakfast.  Duchess feasted on raw beef and lager, while Illia
made a feast of fried eggs, thick bacon, light wheat toast, a large glass of
mango juice, a mug of hot Indian tea, and three blueberry muffins.
     Poppins watched the whole breakfast, getting more frustrated every minute
(she was programmed to never interrupt a human being that is involved in another
activity).  Finally, the breakfast was finished and Illia (frowning at Duchess's
barbaric meal) took all the plates and shot them down the chute out into space
(where all that ship's garbage went, since Warren's recycling center was shot). 
Then she said, "What do we do now?"
     Poppins said, "now it's time for school."
     "School!" shouted Illia.  "Why do I need to go to school?  I may be the
last human in the universe!"
     "All the more reason for you to know about the universe."
     "But what about all the games we were going to play?  C'mon, Duchy - let's
try out that hopping-boot set."
     "Wait a second," said Poppins.  "You must go to school!  Just denying the
world will not help you."
     "But how could a bunch of book learning help me now?"
     "It could tell us how to get out of this mess."
     "All right, all right, already!  I'll go to school.  What d'ya want me to
learn?"
     Poppins pointed to the books she had piled on the table.  Illia frowned. 
"All that?"  Disgust.
     "This is just the basics."
     "But that'll take years to learn - and be so boring!  Can't we just explore
the universe?"
     "How do you propose to do that?  You know the shuttles do not work.  You
are our only remaining hope to return this ship to workability.  And there is so
much to learn!"
     "But why do I need Literacy and Sociology?"
     "In case we come upon other species - or, especially, if we contact other
human beings."
     "O.K., you convinced me - I'll try to learn it.  But I'm not spending all
day every day on it."
     "Even if by learning you could re-invent the holograms and holobodies or
continue your mother's medical research?"
     "Yeah, even so.  I'm still a kid - and a kid's gotta have time for play."
     "Very well.  We shall limit school-time to eight hours a day."
     "Eight hours a day!  That's cruel!"
     "But to learn, you must work."
     "But do I have to spent the whole time reading?"
     "Of course not.  I shall lecture you, guide you in experiments, and all
kinds of other special methodologies.  Maybe we shall even take field trips
around the ship, once you have enough knowledge to make the correct
applications."
     "O.K., I'll go to school for eight hours a day, but what'll Duchy do during
that time?"
     "I don't know," sighed Duchess.
     "We can't just leave her alone while we discover the universe," pleaded
Illia.
     "Then she shall learn also," decided Poppins.
     Duchess frowned.  "Do I hafta?  I mean, I did go to school on Io for 12
long years.  Must I do it all over again?"
     "But this school shall be different," boomed Poppins with sparkling eyes.
     "In what way?" asked Duchess.
     "It shall be a school of reality - for it is the only way that the three
of us will live to see anyone else, that is, if someone else does exist. 
Besides, we have the remaining facilities of the Mother of All Spaceships at our
disposal - what could be more exciting?"
     "How about watching a fortnight of bad docudramas and Ruff-films while tied
to a stiff chair," smirked Illia.  Poppins looked like she was about to start on
one of her lectures, so Illia said, "Just joking."
     "That's right," said Duchess.  "It will be exciting.  Tell ya what - let's
make it a contest to see who can be the first one to learn enough to save the
ship."
     "You got it!" Illia and Duchess shook hands.
     The first few months of schooling were really a drag, just what Illia had
expected.  Eight hours every day the dog-woman and the human girl were lectured
on the contents of the books Poppins had picked out, none of which had much
literary merit to speak of.  During their off-hours, Illia and Duchess would play
endless games of cards, Super-Duper Trivial Pursuit, run through the ship on a
whim, or watch endless B-type movies.  Somehow the weeks went by until it was a
month.  Then it was three months and they had completed all the books that
Poppins had found in the storage room.  This incredibly fast teaching was due to
Poppins being a non-human teacher, having incredible attention span and
cleverness; Illia and Duchess being extraordinary students due to their
competition and the nature of their lives; added to the superbly improved
teaching methods of the 1,022nd-century.  After Finals, Poppins gave them a two-
day break which they spent feasting, playing games, running around, and basically
mindlessly enjoying what little they could on the ship.  Poppins, in the
meantime, re-entered the room with the molten metal lake, much cooler now, and
spent those two days searching for a good pack of intermediate-level books.
This time, she found Earth Geography by Rudolph Van Horn, The History of the
World by Heinrich Williams (and the movie "The History of the World" by Mel
Brooks in order to give the 'class' a bit of a comic relief in the midst of
learning the history of a dead planet), Intermediate Physics by Quevel Paschal,
Mid-Range Chemistry by Crick Critalson, The Power of Biology, with a special
section on the development of the Ruffs by Newton VanDerO'Finian, World Languages
and Cultures by Hillier Jikov, Sociology, Psychology, and Philosophy for the
Modern Scholar by Kant Hiegel, and Middle-Range Mathematica by Pythagoras Trito. 
These she carried back up to the sleeping quarters.  The next three months went
exactly like the former three months, except this time their powers of creativity
were starting to shine, so the games in off-hours became almost incomprehensible
and the discussions during school started ending up in heated arguments between
the scholars, which sometimes ended up in them having a dog-fight over Poppins,
as if she were their property.  Poppins tried to cure them of that, but so far
there was no sign of stopping.
     Finally, the second three-day Finals period was ended and Poppins let them
have another two-day break.  This time they spent it in a heated argument over
some disputed part of world history.  This argument got worse and worse, as they
started with the cruelties of the Roman Empire and proceeded to the Holy Roman
Empire, to the 100-years-war, to the American Revolutionary War and the French
Revolution, to the War of 1812, the American Civil War, to World Wars I and II,
and finally to the 100,000-Years War.  Their main topic was the slavery of dogs,
but Illia kept trying to change it to the cruelty of war.  By the time Poppins
returned, they had agreed to disagree, but were certainly no longer buddy-buddy. 
     This time, Poppins had spent most of her time looking for certain vid-
books, since she meant to teach these in depth, one at a time.  She hit a gold
mine when she opened a ball of vid-books to find The Ultimate Computer Book, the
2,000-page textbook written and published, edited and re-edited, and re-re-edited
by the greatest mind in computer history, Holly McFriesen, the original inventor
of Holly on the Red Dwarf, and both Warrens on the Blue Giant, who had become a
hologram right after she died, then, being a friend of Juliet Winger, she had
become one of the First Ten Holobodies.  She was still living when the Blue Giant
crashed through the roof of the Space History Museum - in fact, she was on it,
but was killed in the explosion of the Teleport Engine.  The book had gone
through 254,989 editions by the time the Blue Giant had left, so Poppins had in
her hand the truly ultimate book on computers - she could barely wait to show
Illia and Duchess.  But she did wait, as she found also Engines: All Types, All
Fuels, All Possibilities by Tony Bach and Raisa Carlisle, the world-class experts
on engines, The Universe As A Whole by Isaac Copernicus, All the Possibilities
of Physics by Trillia Wersten, All Levels of Chemistry by Reta Minna, Biology,
Genetics, and Life In General by Tyva Vettermen, and, what she knew Illia would
be dying for, Holograms and Holobodies: The New Immortality by Juliet Winger,
which had a note at the front recommending The Ultimate Computer Book as a
necessary preliminary.  These she brought back up to the sleeping quarters,
coming in at the last bit of the argument.  She put away all the other books and,
the next day, she only showed them the one on computers.
     Illia looked at it and said, "Why do I have to learn computers?  I don't
even have one to learn on!"
     "That's the idea, silly," countered Duchess, smirking.  "You learn that
book and we may be able to fix Warren and the Navcomp."
     "Great!" said Illia flatly.  Then she smiled.  "Does this mean when I learn
the book we can take a field trip to try to fix Warren?"
     "Yup!"  Poppins mimicked Duchess to her face.
     Illia learned the book in record time, especially after Poppins gave her
a peek at what was to come.  It took them less than two weeks to get through the
book - and both of the students got a 100 score on the official Final Exam. 
Then, instead of the usual two-day break, Poppins suggest that they head up to
the Bridge to study Warren.
     When they reached the Bridge, fortified with a month's worth of food,
clothing, and other supplies, they spent a whole week just investigating every
little part of Warren, looking every few minutes at the book.  Finally, three
days later, Illia announced, "I can do it!  I know I can do it!"
     "Do what?" asked Duchess.
     "Fix the computer - bring Warren and the Navcomp back to life!"
     "How?"
     "All I need is about two months to work on the project, about two million
memory chips, assorted diodes, capacitors, and other electronic gear, wires, and
whatever else I may find I need later."
     "Do you really think you can do it?" Duchess was stunned.
     "Couldn't you?  You've learned right along with me."
     "Are you saying I'm a numbskull, since I can't figure out what you're
talking about?"
     "No, but I am saying if you keep butting into this project, Warren'll never
get fixed.  Why don't you just lay down for a loud doggy-nap back in the sleeping
quarters and leave Warren to Poppins and I."
     "Poppins has just as much a right to be with me as she has to be with you!"
yelled Duchess, showing her large canines.
     "Just go!"
     "Maybe I will!"
     "Good riddance!"
     Duchess stomped out of the Bridge and took the lift down to the sleeping
quarters, where she started crying and couldn't stop for almost a week.
     "Why did you have to treat her in such a manner?" yelled Poppins.
     "She deserved it, that sneaking animalistic farger!  I hope she finds a cat
somewhere, so we can have some real fun!"
     "I believe this studying has gone to your head, young lady.  Maybe you
should find Mistress Rimera and get things straightened out."
     "Not until I've brought Warren back."
     "But that could be two months!"
     "Oh, all right.  We'll go down and make up, but from now on I'm doing
everything.  Duchy can just be an observer."
     They went down to the sleeping quarters.  Duchess wouldn't talk to Illia
for a long time - and she really didn't stop crying for a week, but she did
accompany Illia and Poppins to the electronic vacuum storage area where they
spent a week trying to find all of the components Illia needed.  Then, tired and
sick of living in a depressing, melted place with no windows, they returned to
the Bridge with their take.
     Illia spent the next week arranging the components, always going back to
the book between each component.
     Then, while Duchess and Poppins looked on, she dismantled Warren, bit by
bit, until the Bridge looked like a junkyard - screens thrown here and there,
bits of wire, tangled up into balls and bunches, thrown every which way, hundreds
upon hundreds of sensitive computer chips, scattered around the room like cards,
and electronic components in little groups, thrown on seats or in front of
terminals.  When Illia was about half-way through the destruction, as they were
settling down in their sleeping bags amidst the piles of junk, Duchess asked,
"why'd you take him apart?"
     "The only way to get him back is to study how bad off he is, then replace
or repair whatever has been wrecked, ruined, or burnt out."
     "You really think you can turn this junk pile into a working computer?"
     "Sure.  And if this works, I'll do the same with the Navcomp and we'll be
in business."
     "But what if it doesn't work?  After all, Poppins already tried this for
centuries back when we were in stasis."
     "Yeah - but we have one thing she lacks - good old human creativity.  Do
you seriously think someone who enjoys Bad Knock-Knock Jokes would find a
solution even if it bopped her in the head?"
     The next day, Illia started putting Warren back together.  This was long,
tedious work as she had to test every component individually, then try it with
something she got from storage.  At least once a day, she needed something else
from storage, so Duchess or Poppins (they never went out together with Illia -
it was sure to cause a fight) would escort her down the 3,000 or 4,000 decks to
the electronic storage area, right above where the Teleport Engine had blown up
and sealed off the decks.  There, Illia would spend ten minutes or ten hours
searching for just the right component.  Then she would rush back to the Bridge.
     Illia was getting weak and tired in the midst of this.  She would work 24-
hour days if Poppins and Duchess hadn't insisted that she get some sleep.  As it
was, she was living on one to three hours sleep a night, waking up and going to
work even in front of Poppins' eyes.  Poppins also insisted that she eat and
drink, but in the next two months, she lost 15 pounds, becoming gaunt and
haunted-looking.




                              CHAPTER ELEVEN
     The re-construction of Warren took up all of Illia's waking hours, but
Duchess and Poppins still had a life.  After three weeks of bunking with her in
the Bridge, Duchess moved back to the sleeping quarters, so she could get some
real sleep on a real bed - Ruffs just can't live without 12-hours sleep a night
and Duchess had been getting by on less than six, so the fights had gotten worse
and worse.  Duchess went back to the sleeping quarters, but Poppins stayed with
Illia to help her in the re-construction.  But even the ever-patient android got
sick of that routine.  After another two weeks, Poppins was sure that Illia could
make it on her own, but she still came up with dinner every night and still
tucked her into her sleeping bag when she had worked long enough.  But now Illia
started living on less than one hour sleep a night.  The passion of the work had
gotten to her.  She couldn't stop herself.
     She had cleaned up and fixed up half of the Bridge, when she passed out one
afternoon.  Poppins found her in the evening and carried her back down to the
sleeping quarters.  When Illia woke up two days later, she felt much better, but
very hungry.  Poppins and Duchess wouldn't let her go back to the Bridge until
she had her health back.  This took a whole week in which Illia found her
childhood again - playing games, running around, laughing, singing, joking, and
just playing with Duchess like they used to.  But her work was still calling her,
so when the week was up, she returned alone to the Bridge.
     Illia fixed Warren up for another two weeks, still with very little food
or sleep.  When she fainted again, Poppins rescued her and brought her back to
the sleeping quarters to regain her health.  For a week again, she slept and ate
and played with Duchess.
     But when she was ready to go back to fixing up Warren, Poppins tried to
stop her, "We have to continue your education," she pointed to the other books.
     "Why?  I thought it was important to fix Warren - as in, life-and-death
important."
     "It is.  But your health is just as important - and this job is eating you
up!" pleaded Duchess.
     "What do you know, Duchy?  You just want me to stop so you can win the
contest."
     "What contest?"
     "You know very well what contest - the contest in which we were racing to
see which one could save the ship first."
     "Oh.  But I thought that also meant the one to learn the most first."
     "O.K., you win.  I'll go back to the books, but not for long."
     "Good," sighed Poppins, relieved, "because you have to get through all
these other books before you can learn this one," she showed Illia the hologram
book.
     "Let's get to it."
     The next week, Illia tried very hard to concentrate on Biology, but it just
wasn't like fixing Warren.  She was bored stiff very soon, even in the advanced
genetic research they were doing.
     "What's the matter?" asked Duchess.
     "What's the matter is that I wanna go back and fix Warren - I just can't
stop in the middle and concentrate on genetics - I'm just not built that way."
     "How can you say that?" asked Duchess.
     "I can say it and I can do it!  Who cares about these books if it means
we're still going nowhere with blind eyes?"
     "I see your point," said Poppins, "however, we must continue your studies."
     "Why?  So I can be a great brain when our ship rams into another one?  So
I can have a high IQ, to have my head smashed when we hit a planet?  Be serious
-I gotta go back and fix Warren.  If the knowledge is so important, Poppins, why
don't you let the bitch learn it, while I fix Warren."
     "What did you call me?" asked Duchess.
     "The bitch."  Illia stuck out her tongue.
     "That's the most terrible thing anyone has ever said to me!" huffed
Duchess.
     "Don't take it so bad.  I mean, these books are as much for you as for me
-you have just as many brains, if not so evolved - and just as much
concentration.  Maybe you can be the biologist," suggested Illia.
     "But you need to learn Biology and all the rest in order to do your further
studies," pointed out Poppins.
     "I know.  But for now I have to fix Warren.  Can't you just teach Duchess
while I'm gone.  She can catch me up later."
     "Very well," said Poppins, crushed.
     Illia returned to the Bridge to continue her re-construction of Warren. 
Now she had finished all the peripheral terminals and had reached the main CPU. 
The electronics there were so complicated that Illia had to spend sometimes days
at a time in the storage area just to find what she needed, coming up to spend
only a day putting it in, only to have to go back to the depressing lift for
another ride down.  In the middle of one of those lift rides, she had an idea.
     Before Illia came up with her idea, Poppins tried to teach Duchess alone. 
Little did she know the real quirks of Ruffs until then, since Duchess was on her
best behavior during the sessions with Illia.  Now she was alone with Poppins and
a more hopeless pupil Poppins had never seen.  Not only did it take her forever
to get through a chapter of a book, but she also asked an incredible amount of
questions during the lecture periods.  One, on D.N.A., was so continual and
stupid that Poppins finally had an insight into Illia's lack of patience with
Duchess.
     It started like this: Poppins was lecturing on the structure, components,
chemical nature, and behavior of D.N.A.  She started out by saying, "D.N.A. . .
." and not getting any further, as Duchess piped in with, "What, again, is
D.N.A.?"
     "D.N.A. is Deoxyribonucleic Acid."  Poppins was already exasperated.
     "What does it do?"
     "It tells your cells what to be," said Poppins.
     "Go on," said Duchess.
     Poppins went into the four types of components of D.N.A. and thought that
Duchess was getting them, that is, until Duchess said, "tell me again what those
components are.  What does the G stand for?"
     Poppins, more exasperated, went through the components again.  Then she
went into the shape of D.N.A.  She almost predicted that Duchess was going to
come in,  as she did, right after she called it a double helix, with, "What,
exactly, is a double helix?"
     Getting more angry every second, Poppins found a picture of a double helix
in the book and showed it to Duchess.  From then on she used visual aids and the
lesson seemed to go quicker.
     However, once the lesson was done and she gave Duchess the quiz, Duchess
did very, very badly.  She got 14 out of 100.  As Duchess moved off to go watch
a vid, Poppins said, "you can't leave yet!  You got only 14 percent on this quiz! 
I am going to have to re-lecture you."
     "No!  No!  Not the same lecture again!" screamed Duchess.
     "Yes, the same lecture again.  You did not learn the material, therefore
I must re-teach it to you."
     "Why can't we do it tomorrow?"
     "Because I have to teach you the next lesson tomorrow."
     "Can't you just move your lesson plans up one day?"
     "No, I cannot and will not.  Do you wish for Illia to return to find you
have learned very little?"
     "Don't bring that child up!  She has nothing to do with it!  It's between
you and me and your stupid, idiotic, farging books!" yelled Duchess.
     "What is wrong with the books?" asked Poppins.
     "Everything!"  Duchess picked up a book.  "They're way over my head and I
would like to learn something I wanna learn - like History or Literacy or even
Sociology. I've got no interest in the hard sciences."
     "What about computers?  Do you wish to learn them?"
     "Not really.  That's Juliet's forte, not mine.  Leave her to Warren and the
hollies - I want to know about Earth."
     "Very well, tomorrow we shall start on the advanced history book."
     The next day, they started on Advanced Earth History.  Duchess was very
interested and asked more and more pertinent questions.  Still, when the daily
quiz was given, she only got 31 out of 100.
     "You have not improved," said Poppins as Duchess started to leave to go
play.
     "What d'ya mean I haven't improved?" asked Duchess.
     "I mean you made only 31 percent on your quiz.  Now I must re-lecture you
or we shall be light-years behind."
     "O.K., O.K., I was interested in that lecture, so I'll take it again."
     She went through the lecture again, with Duchess hanging on every word, but
starting to ask stupid questions again, starting with, "tell me again - was
Napoleon a General during World War Two?"
     "No, no, no!" yelled Poppins, "Napoleon was a self-proclaimed emperor in
France decades before World War Two."
     "Oh, go on," said Duchess.
     But she continued to interrupt Poppins' lecture so often that the lecture
took twice as much time as it had that morning.
     "Why can you not shut up and let me lecture?" asked Poppins, realizing that
it had been two days since she had taken Illia's dinner up to her and feeling
guilty about it.
     "Because I'm trying to learn the farging material, like you want me to!"
screeched Duchess.
     "Can you not learn it without asking so many questions?"
     "No."
     "Very well, I shall continue."
     Finally, long after midnight, Poppins finally finished the lecture again. 
She gave Duchess the quiz.  This time she made 46 out of 100.  "I believe you are
a hopeless scholar," said Poppins, as Duchess was leaving to get a long-awaited
dinner.
     "What does that mean?" growled Duchess.
     "It means that you disgust me as a student.  I spent close to 24 hours
lecturing you today - and even with the second lecture, your quiz score is still
46 percent, well into the failing range."
     "Are ya sayin' I'm a failure?" yelped Duchess.
     "Yes, I believe I am," said Poppins.
     "But I'm not a failure!"  Duchess wondered whether she really meant it.
     "You may not be a failure in life, but you are a failure in studies.  I
wonder how you got along when you were helping Illia out."
     "That's easy - she let me cheat."
     "Then you are both failures."
     "No - she's not.  She's fixing Warren and when he's fixed, she'll fix the
Navcomp.  I may be a failure, but you never call my best friend a failure in
front of me!" yelped Duchess.
     "But she is - anyone that allows anyone else, no matter how close a friend,
to cheat from their papers, is a moral failure."
     Duchess leaped at Poppins out of the blue and Poppins had to give Duchess
a very hard punch in order to stop her from turning Poppins off.
     Then Duchess, once she had recovered from the punch, leaped for the books. 
"You know, you may be right.  Maybe I'm a failure.  Maybe Illia's a failure. 
Maybe even Cristal, Raisa, and Duke were failures - and maybe you're just a
failure as a teacher.  But I think the real culprits are these seemingly-innocent
uppity books from scholars from a dead world who proceeded in scholaring
themselves to utter destruction.  These books have caused more fights among us
then they're worth."
     "So what are you going to do?" asked Poppins, wondering what the Ruff was
leading to.
     "I think these books will cause a 100,000-years war between us three, even
if it only lasts the few days until we die.  They are the seeds of our
destruction, so they must be destroyed!"
     Poppins finally figured out what Duchess was driving at, so she quickly
sidled up to the garbage chute and blocked it.  However, Duchess, as most Ruffs
are when angry, was very strong.  She pushed Poppins away with an incredible
force, knocking the droid out.  Then she methodically threw the vid-books out the
chute, starting with the history one and ending with the precious one on
holograms and holobodies.  Then she found all the books they had already learned
and threw them out also.  When Poppins got up, they were all lost in the silent
wake of the ship, floating uselessly in space.




                              CHAPTER TWELVE
     Poppins was aghast at what Duchess has done.  She spent the whole next
morning searching for the precious books - and finding not even one.  She was
thankful that Illia had taken The Ultimate Computer Book with her to the Bridge,
since it was all they had left.
     After she threw the books out the chute, Duchess regretted it instantly. 
But they were irretrievable.  She couldn't get them back.  So, while Poppins was
still knocked out, Duchess gathered her few belongings and took up housekeeping
in a living quarters 212 decks up on the other side of the ship, so she wouldn't
be easily found by the others.  Then she put everything away, laid down on a bed,
and cried long and hard.
     After the cry, she started reflecting on what a mess she had made of her
life.  First, she stayed on Io to be with her friends, while her whole family
moved to Mars.  Dumb, just dumb, she thought.  Maybe I'm just afraid of humans. 
It was probably true - she had wanted to stay in the stupid terraformed, grass-
buildinged, Ruff-only society on Io even though at the time there had been less
than 10,000 Ruffs still on Io.  Her father had said she was being silly, now she
knew he was right.
     Then she thought of the last few years - the whirlwind trip to Mars - she
stopped there, remembering Brandy and Ron and their friendship.  She started
crying again at all the friends she had lost.  Then she thought of the
demonstration, the escape from Mars, and the destruction of Mars.  Billions of
people killed and she let all of them down.  Then she thought of the tragedy of
the ship - of Tony and Cristal Bach, of Ron, of Raisa, of Duke.  What great
people were killed - and I survived, she thought.  Then she thought of the last
year-and-a-half with Poppins and Illia.  I'm not even worthy of them, she thought
- I destroyed their best chance for a new life.  Maybe I should kill myself. 
Maybe Illia's right and I'm just a half-wit bitch who isn't worth anything.
     She remembered Duke, her beloved father, who had said as he left to go to
his death, "be a good girl - learn all you can, for your world is much larger
than you have ever imagined."  She had let him down.
     She remembered her teacher Senior year at Io Ruffian Senior High School,
the teacher, an old Samoyed-line Ruff, who said, "you have potential - you just
don't use it.  If you would use your brain rather than your heart, you'd be
better off.  You'll never be like your father if you keep this up.  But if you
were to really work with your brains, you could change the world."  She had let
her down too.  So what could she do?  As the last Ruff in the universe, probably,
she couldn't even kill herself without letting the whole race down.  Confused,
depressed, and cried-out, Duchess finally got to sleep.
     The next morning, Illia came down to the sleeping quarters to find it
empty.  Scared, she searched all the way down the habitation hallway.  She
finally came upon Poppins searching through a five-person room two doors down
from the end of the hall.  "What are you doing here?" she asked.  The droid
jumped.
     "Nothing," lied Poppins.
     "You never do nothin'!  Tell me what you're doing!  And where's Duchy?"
     "You do not want to know."
     "Yeah, I do wanna know."
     "Really?"
     "Really."
     Poppins, resigned, sat down on one of the empty bunks.  "She's gone."
     "What d'ya mean, she's gone?"
     "Mistress Rimera has disappeared."
     "What happened?  I thought you were teaching her by herself."
     "I was."
     "So what happened?"
     "It is a very, very long story."
     "I have time."
     "Very well.  I will make it as short as possible, since you must fix Warren
as soon as possible."
     "Go on."
     "Well, I was teaching Duchess as we had agreed upon.  I was lecturing her
on D.N.A."
     "What's D.N.A.?"
     "Deoxyribonucleic Acid - part of Biology.  Anyway, she failed her quiz that
day, so I told her I had to lecture her again."
     "How cruel!"
     "Anyway, we decided she would prefer to learn History.  The next day I
taught her history.  She failed the quiz, so I lectured her again on History. 
She then failed the second quiz.  At that time, I warned her that she was having
a serious problem studying - and she informed me that she had cheated off you
when you were learning together.  After that, she just blew up.  She yelled at
me, then started blaming the books for her troubles."
     "She had a point."
     "No, she did not have a point.  Anyway, she kept raving on about them,
then, although I tried to stop her, she threw all of them down the garbage
chute."
     "All our books?  You mean absolutely every book we had?"
     Poppins nodded.
     "You mean the biology books, the chemistry books, the history, literacy,
and sociology books?"
     Poppins nodded again.
     "You mean that ultimate book on holograms and holobodies?"
     Poppins nodded a third time.
     "I'm gonna kill that bitch!"
     "Hold on," said Poppins, blocking the exit.  "Why did you come down here
anyway?"
     "That's why I'm so mad!"
     "I do not understand what you are saying."
     "I came down here to get the other books so I could learn them and get to
the hollie book before I finished with Warren.  It was just an idea to use the
hours I've been spending in the lift lately."
     "I see," said Poppins.
     "So where is the bitch?"
     "That is what I was trying to tell you.  I do not know where she is.  She
is nowhere on this corridor."
     "But there are hundreds of other dormitory halls!"
     "I know."
     "We have to find her."
     "Why?  So that you may kill her?"
     "No.  I didn't mean that.  But does she have food and drink?"
     "I do not know."
     "The way you treated her, you realize she may be suicidal!"
     "You are right!  We must find her!"
     "Let's each take a deck.  Maybe we can find her."
     "No!  You must return to your job.  I shall search the whole ship if I
must, but you must repair Warren!  I shall still bring you food, but the rest of
the time I shall search for Duchess."
     "Thanks, Poppy.  You're such a great buddy.  I owe you one."
     Illia returned to the sleeping quarters, had a large dinner and a good
twelve-hour sleep, then returned to the Bridge.  Poppins and Duchess had not
returned.
     Duchess woke up alone in a strange bedroom.  "What has happened to me?" she
thought.  She was weak, so she had a little food.  After breakfast, the memories
returned to her.  She spent the whole rest of the day brooding and moping around.
     Poppins spent the day searching the ship.  Methodically, she went from one
cabin to another, calling for Duchess.  In two days, she had gone up 50 decks,
but was still unable to find her.
     Illia continued on with her project, this time finally taking decent breaks
for food and sleep.  But with Duchess gone and all the books lost, the fire
seemed to have gone out of her work.  She continued testing and repairing
Warren's CPU, sometimes having to go down to the storage decks three times a day. 
She re-read the computer book during these times - and hated Duchess more every
second of every lift ride.
     Warren was coming along well.  All the terminals, engineering, and science
stations were operable and the main CPU was over one-quarter finished.  Alone
with Warren's brain, Illia started to brood, especially after what happened with
Duchess.
     "Am I so great?" she thought.  True, her mother was one of the greatest
scientist-doctors on Mars, but Mars was a three-million-year-old cinder now, so
what did that matter?  Her father was one of the greatest engineering minds on
Mars, but his greatest invention had blown up and killed him in deep space.
     Her home life had not been that great either.  Her parents hadn't been home
that often - between work, scientific conferences, and Peacenik functions, Illia
had been pretty well left alone all the time.  True, she had Poppins, but,
despite her name, Poppins wasn't the best substitute for a mother.  The droid
could really get on her nerves.  It was just like her mother to get her own
daughter an obnoxious, know-it-all medidroid for her nanny.  For a second, Illia
stopped hating Duchess and started hating Poppins.  Then she remembered the
hollie book and went back to hating Duchess.
     She really missed the hollies - not just Ron and Raisa, but her neighbors
Jilia and Jaliao Hitite, free holobodies who worked with the New European
Institute of Health.  They widened her world - after all, they had lived before
the 100,000-years war as holograms.  They had started with the Space Corps (and
had been, in fact, high-ranking officers on both the original Blue Giant and the
prestigious Enterprise XI) and had become Captains of two research ships that had
had accidents, so they became holograms.  When the Corps was disbanded, they
returned to Mars where they worked hard and, being good friends with Juliet
Winger, had become two of the First Ten Holobodies.  Soon after that they had
married.  Oh, the stories they had told her of space and the old times!  Illia
longed for them back.  Two tears rolled down her face as she mourned the hollies.
     Then she remembered the Ruffs again.  True, they were, as a whole,
animalistic and dumb, but they were also affectionate, loyal, kind, friendly, and
just plain nice.  Duke had been a true rock of support for Cristal during the
years the Peaceniks were underground.  And to think that she may have sent the
last Ruff to her death - it was too much!  Two more tears rolled down her cheeks,
followed by two more, a gush just behind her eyes, as she mourned the Ruffs.
     Wiping away the tears, she thought of Earth, Mars, Venus, Saturn - the
planets the humans had disintegrated, thrown away, burned up like a piece of
junk.  Probably Duchy had been right to stay on Io, though at the time she heard
it, Illia had thought Duchess the biggest farger in the solar system for doing
such a thing.  After all, what was Mars now - a tiny cinder in the middle of a
vast universe - what had they lost!
     She remembered the Mars as she knew it - the crowded, gray, foggy streets
of New London, the cruel martial law that caused everyone to go in after 7:00
p.m. every night and severely restricted their travel, economics, and everything
else.  She remembered the rationing - the long lines and low-quality food.  She
remembered the constant M-bomb threat and Raisa's vivid tales of M-bomb tests
which gave her nightmares of fireballs and explosions.  She remembered her school
- a private girl's school in New London.  She remembered the other children she
had looked down on and who hated her so much that they called her "Cry Baby" and,
later on, "Little Miss Holier-than-Thou" and "Airhead".  Those names never hurt
her until now.  Now she missed all the other children, even little 'Fatball'
Houlihan, the ugliest girl in school who was always following her around.  She
remembered being the last one picked for Zero-Gee-Baseball and being talked about
behind her back.  She remembered the 'C's in school and her mother's constant
lectures on how she should apply herself and get better grades - always
punctuated by a really painful spanking from Poppins.  She remembered the
propaganda films, the inhuman feelings for New-Neo-Nazis and how she doubly hated
them after reading The New Kampf by Sigmund Theismann, the originator of the
Cryptofascists which became the New-Neo-Nazis.  Then, for the first time, she
felt sorry for the New-Neo-Nazis.  They were dead now, like the rest.  She saw
again in her mind the M-bombs turning the world into dust and radioactivity and
the tears came gushing out.  She cried herself out and fell asleep in the
process.  She mourned the whacked-out, crazy, lost world she loved, and felt
herself purged.
     After that, Illia went back to work.  The next time down the lift, she had
the genius idea of getting much more and much more varied components from storage
this time, so that she could get through the process with many less trips down
the lift.  When she got to the storage deck, she spent all day picking out
components, wires, screens, chips, and other paraphernalia that she thought she
may need to fix Warren.  She filled the lift until there was only room for
herself and the junk.  Then she took it up, slept in the lift, and was wide awake
to unload the lift and continue her work the next morning.  She was really
getting smart - and this project made her momentarily forget Duchess.
     With her enormous pile of electronic gear taking up most of the Bridge,
Illia continued re-constructing Warren.  Now she was to the real nitty-gritty
electronics work.  She read in the book that such sensitive work required a clean
suit.  There was a picture of one in the book - it looked like an uglier
radiation suit.  She realized that, after all her work, she was going to have to
go down to the storage area again and find a clean suit.
     The lift ride seemed to go quicker this time, since she had decided,
somehow, the night before, to forgive Duchess; try not to hate her and fight with
her - in short, to try to live together as the friends they were supposed to be. 
Illia hoped that Duchess was still alive - they had so much to talk about!
     When she returned from getting the clean suit, Poppins was waiting for her
with her dinner.
     "You sure got massively large amount of components this time!" commented
Poppins.
     "Have you found Duchy?"  Illia shook Poppins.
     "No.  But I have searched over 150 decks.  I must be close."
     "Keep up with it!  We gotta find her!"
     "How is the re-construction process progressing?"
     "Slow.  But now that I have the materials, it should start picking up."
     "Is there anything I could help you with?"
     "No.  But after you find Duchy, maybe you could go back and search the vid-
book storage area again.  I just realized that my Mom ordered hundreds of copies
of all vid-books.  Maybe there's another copy of the hollie book around."
     "I shall find Duchess, then I shall check the storage area and come back
with every vid-book I can find."
     "Attagirl, Poppy.  That dinner looks great!"  She sat down to eat.
     "I see that you have discovered the importance of your own health," smirked
Poppins.
     "Is that a back-handed way of saying I'm looking good?"
     "I suppose so."
     Illia took out a mirror and looked at herself, while Poppins looked on,
amused.  The redness had gone out of her deep blue eyes, but her long blonde hair
went every which way because of all the work.  Her figure had chubbed up from
being so gaunt - there was color again in her still-tanned face and her bones
were getting meat on them again.  She felt better.  Poppins left her to her
musings and started looking for Duchess again.
     Duchess was in the same room that she had come to on the night she threw
away the books, trying to amuse herself in her self-imposed exile.  She found a
set of cards left by someone who had one of the diseases (she suspected the
person had had Disease Number Five since the cards were left in the middle of a
game and Poppins had told her that Disease Number Five made the sufferer fade
away.)  She played hundreds of games of solitaire, missing Poppins and Illia more
every minute, but she felt unworthy to go back and unable to admit how much she
regretted what she had done.
     In her exile, she let herself go.  She took showers only when she thought
about it, which was about once a week.  She ate when she felt like it - which was
all the time, so she gained 15 pounds during her time alone.  She also slept
close to 15 hours a day - it was hard to get out of bed when you're the last Ruff
in the universe and your only friends have lost faith in you.
     Finally, tiring of solitaire, she found solace in taking long walks up and
down the hallway, brooding on her life.  It was during one of her evening strolls
that Poppins found her.
     Poppins was searching the hall, shuffling into each room and searching
through it, calling "Duchess!  Mistress Rimera!  Where are you?"  Duchess heard
her coming a mile away and ran back to her sleeping quarters, but Poppins had
heard the noise of her running and deduced where she stopped.  Poppins made her
way to where she was sure the Ruff had gone to.
     There was Duchess, laying on her bed, trying not to do anything.  "Go
away!" cried Duchess, hiding her head in a pillow.
     "No, I will not go away!"  Poppins stood still and stared at Duchess.
     "But you're gonna hurt me!"
     "No, I am not.  I came here to make sure that you were still alive and
well.  Mistress Bach and I have missed you."
     "How did she notice?  Did she faint again?"
     "No, but she came down to get the books to learn them during her frequent
lift rides."
     "Oh, no - she'll kill me!"
     "No, she has forgiven you.  And now, once I bring you back home and tell
Illia, I shall return to the vid-book storage deck and find all the remaining
books.  With them we shall make do."
     "You mean it!  You both forgive me?"
     "Yes."
     "Then I'll come.  Give me a second."  Duchess packed up all her things and
returned with Poppins to the 'Bach' residence 200 decks down.  Then she
accompanied Poppins up to give Illia her dinner.  Illia, working in her clean
suit, smiled and laughed for joy.  "Duchy!  You're back!  I was so afraid you
were dead!"
     "No, I'm alive.  Let's be friends again!"
     "Forever!" vowed Illia.
     They all had dinner together and it was as if the whole school thing had
never come up.  Duchess even volunteered to help Poppins in her book-searching
trip.  Things were back to normal - and Illia had Warren half-finished.
     The next day, the droid and the Ruff took the lift down to the vid-book
storage area.  By that time, all the molten metal had cooled.  They didn't even
look at the titles.  Like Illia did before, they filled the lift until there was
only room for the two of them.  They cleared out the vid-book storage area on
three decks like a potent enema.  They brought the books back up to their deck
and unloaded them straight into their sleeping quarters.  There were so many that
they decided halfway through to pile them inside the five-person room next door. 
Even so, they had to use the three-person room next to that before they had
totally unloaded the lift.
     The day after that - and the next week after that - was spent looking
through the books and putting them into piles called, for instance, 'Junk',
'Educational', 'Humor', 'Fiction', 'Non-Fiction', 'Literature', 'Reference', etc. 
They found they had quite a good library with some beginner and intermediate
books on hollies, but they seemed to have thrown away the only copy of Juliet
Winger's greatest book.  They re-sorted them, but although they found many of the
other advanced books were found, they never found that.
     The next day, they went up to Illia to tell her the news.  She wasn't very
pleased, but she figured she could learn all she could from the less advanced
books, then work it out on her own.  She only hoped she'd have a computer to work
with.




                             CHAPTER THIRTEEN
     Two weeks later, Illia finally finished cleaning and testing the last
section of Warren's CPU.  She sleepily sauntered down to the living quarters to
tell Poppins and Duchess.
     "I did it!  I did it!" she exalted.
     "You did what?" asked Poppins.
     "I fixed Warren."
     "Then why are not all his functions on?"
     "Oh, I didn't want to turn him on right now.  Tomorrow morning, after a
good dinner, a good sleep, and a good breakfast, I want all of you to return to
the Bridge with me and we'll make the re-construction official - have a kind of
turning-on ceremony."
     "Very well," said Poppins.
     The next morning, the three women took the lift up to the Bridge, which had
been cleaned up the day before so that all useless components had been thrown
down the garbage chute and all useful components were piled up in one of the
extra rooms.  They talked about the re-construction the whole ride up.
     When they made it to the Bridge, Illia went right over to Warren's CPU. 
"This is a very important day," she smiled.  "Today, the lost computer, the
computer that ran this ship, the inimitable Warren, will come to life again.  So,
now, I shall push the button to turn him on.  Drum-roll please."
     Duchess and Poppins did a sad rendition of a drum-roll, as Illia exaltantly
pushed the fateful button.
     The whole ship burst into life at once.  The lights started blinking and
beeping on the consoles, the vending machines started humming, the screens lit
up, but Warren's face wasn't there.
     "Where is he?" asked Duchess.
     "Warren!" yelled Illia.
     "He must be taking his time waking up," suggested Poppins.
     "C'mon, Warren, show yourself!"  Illia hit the screen.
     After ten minutes of cajoling and yelling, a face of a nice-looking, brown-
haired, blue-eyed man stared down at them from the large screen on the Bridge.
     "I'm here," he said.  "What do you want?"
     "I'm Illia - I fixed you."  smiled Illia smugly.  
     "Aren't you Cristal Bach's daughter?" asked Warren.
     "Yes, I am."
     "And who are these other people?"
     "That is Poppins, a medidroid, and that is Duchess, a Ruff."
     "Is there no adult human on board?"
     "No," said Poppins.  "They were all killed of the diseases after you blew
up."
     "Too bad."
     "So how're we doing?" asked Illia.
     "In what way?"
     "I mean - where are we and are we going to crash into anything?"
     "Let me check."
     Warren blinked out for another fifteen minutes.  When he returned, more
lights flashed - these were blue and blinking.  "Blue Alert!  Blue Alert!" he
yelled.
     "What does 'Blue Alert' mean?" asked Duchess.
     "'Blue Alert' means that there will be a possible serious emergency
sometime in the next month."
     "What do you mean - possible emergency?"
     "I mean that this ship will be in serious danger if nothing else is done."
     "What kind of danger?" asked Poppins.
     "Just a head-on collision of lethal magnitude."
     "Oh, no!" cried Illia.  "What will we collide with and when?"
     "We are on a direct collision course with a six-mile-long, three-mile-wide,
four-mile-broad Jupiter-class mining ship.  We shall hit it right in the center,
where its fuel storage is, killing anyone on board either ship.  The crash shall
happen in exactly one month, four days, three hours, and 42 seconds."
     "You mean there's another ship out there?  One-half our size?"  Illia
almost fainted at the news.  She tottered on her feet and grabbed onto the
nearest console to stay up.
     "Yes."
     "Is it running on automatic or is there still a crew on it?" asked Duchess.
     "Yes and I don't know."
     "So it is running on automatic.  Are there any life form readings?" asked
Illia.
     "They are very faint.  My educated guess is that there are, at most, four
beings on that ship.  But there also appears to be a computer present."
     "You mean - if we ram into that thing, we could kill not only us, but
possibly the only other remaining humanoids in the universe!"
     "Quite true."
     "So what can we do?"
     "You have disabled my navcomp."
     "Yes, I'm sorry.  I was gonna fix that next."
     "You shall not have to fix it.  I shall fix it."  Warren grinned proudly.
"Just attach a direct cable from my CPU to the CPU of the navcomp."
     "But we've already done that!  That's how we wrecked the navcomp!" yelled
Duchess.
     "Nevertheless, it must be done.  I will direct you.  Only with the navcomp
can I direct the ship so that we miss the other ship."
     "O.K., we'll do it."
     The three women went to the navcomp chamber, carrying a 236-foot extension
cable which connected the cable hooked up to Warren's CPU to the navcomp CPU. 
They plugged it in.  "Is it in?" asked Warren.
     "Yes," said Poppins.
     "O.K., now we come to the tricky part.  Illia, since you are the only
remaining human and the daughter of Cristal Bach, whom I respect, you must do the
intricate work.  I want you to turn on the blue button."
     Illia pushed the blue button.  The navcomp started to shake.
     "Now what?" she asked.
     "Then I want you to adjust the navcomp dial to 'automatic.'"
     "Done."
     "Now, here's the tricky part.  You're going to have to transfer the
navcomp's power and controls to me.  To do that, you must re-wire the cables in
the box under the control panel.  Found them?"
     "Yeah."
     "O.K., now swap the green wire and the red wire, the purple wire and the
blue wire, the white wire and the orange wires, the mauve wire and the black wire
, the . . ."
     "Hold on!  I can only do so much at once."
     "Very well, where are you?"
     "I've got the red wire and the green wire swapped, and the purple wire and
the blue wire swapped."
     "O.K., now swap the white and orange wires. . ."
     "Got it."
     "And the mauve and black wires. . ."
     "Done."
     Illia, with Warren's help, re-wired the console of the navcomp for over an
hour, while Poppins and Duchess looked on.  Finally, she sighed with relief and
Warren told her to close the wire box.
     "Now what?" asked Illia.
     "Now you must turn it on.  Press each of those 15 numbered buttons, one
each two seconds, until the power is completely on."
     "One every two seconds, gotcha."  Illia pushed the first button, the
machine vibrated louder.  She said, "One New-Neo-Nazi, Two New-Neo-Nazi", then
pushed the second button.  All the lights came on on the navcomp.  She pushed the
third through the twelfth buttons, each one bringing the navcomp more to life. 
Poppins and Duchess were getting excited.  Then she hit button number thirteen
-the lights on the console started blinking red.  "What's happening?" she asked.
     "I don't know," said Warren.  "Go on."
     She pushed the fourteenth button and things seemed to settle down.  Then
she pushed the fifteenth button and the whole console blew in her face.
     Duchess, Poppins, and Illia woke from their shock two hours later.  The
place was a mess.  The navcomp was blown to bits, so there wasn't the slightest
chance, even with the computer book, of reviving the navcomp.  The three women
returned to their sleeping quarters, dressed their wounds, got something to eat,
and went to sleep for twelve hours.
     When she awoke the next morning, still sore and weak, Illia remembered
Warren.  She rushed over and got Duchess awake.  "What's the matter?" she asked.
     "I'm afraid about Warren.  Doesn't the ship seem kinda dark to you now?"
     "You know, you're right.  It is darker now."  Duchess explored the room
like she was seeing it for the first time.
     They took the lift up to the Bridge.  There the truth was obvious.  Not one
of the terminals blinked.  The noise died, and Warren's CPU was dark. 
Frantically, Illia called, "Warren!  Warren!  Come back!  We need you!"  But
nothing answered her call.
     Illia went over to the CPU and analyzed it.  The whole three-months' work
had disintegrated.  Not one component worked on the whole Bridge.  They were all
burnt out, twisted, or wrecked in some way.  The three months had been wasted.
     "Now what d'we do?" asked Duchess.
     "I don't know!"  Illia held her hands to her face, to hide the tears that
hid behind her eyes.
     "Can you find more components and re-re-construct Warren?" asked Poppins,
hopefully.
     "No way!  I used most of what was there!  Warren can't be re-constructed
again."
     "Then we must hope that there are beings on that other ship with a decent
navcomp able to get out of our way.  Otherwise, we're all goners."
     "But there are humanoids on that ship!  Surely we'll be saved!  Maybe we
can even be taken onto that ship!  A ship with a working computer!  This may be
our lucky day!"
     "Or it may be our last month."




                             CHAPTER FOURTEEN
     Illia spent the next day musing on who and what may be on that ship they
were about to ram into.  She intensely wished that there might be a hollie on
board - or, better still, an Ancient Hologram.  Who knows?  She saw it all - the
people (she saw at least two dozen, all handsome men and pretty women, most of
them human, but with one or two hollies around for her amusement), the ship half
their size but with a working computer - the great solutions to everyday problems
they may have come upon!  The great adventures they could have in Deep Space with
working shuttles!  Decent food from real dispensers!  Really knowing where they
were going!  It sounded like heaven to the poor child.  She prayed to a God she
didn't quite believe in that somehow that ship and her ship may be saved so that
she could meet these people and share in their life.  She imagined long talks
with an intellectual hologram - the great insights the long-living, highly
organized and cerebral person would give her.  She didn't even care whether it
be male or female, only that it be an Ancient Hologram - only the best people in
the world were ever made holograms, that's what all her books always said.  It
would truly be heaven!  She also thought of another human male - her mate for
life!  She imagined him at about twelve years old, already six feet tall, flowing
blonde hair, sexy blue eyes, bulging muscles, really macho, the sort that she had
only read about in books, never really seen except in her father.  She imagined
he would be a Captain or an Astronavigator, or a Test Pilot or an Astrophysicist
- a great military or intellectual man, anyway.  And for Duchess's sake, she
imagined that the ship contained a Ruff or two, male of course, who would mate
with her, so they could all be happy.  Little did she know just how close, and
just how far, her musings approximated reality.
     Duchess imagined the same thing.  Except, in her case, she saw it as a Ruff
shuttle, bigger, but still run by Ruffs.  She imagined a dozen Ruff men, all
handsome brown Spaniels, panting over her.  She also imagined a nice human
teenage boy for Illia, just to get her out of the way.  As for the computer, the
thing she saw about that was that she wouldn't have to worry all the time about
what to eat, how, and when.  She could finally sleep decently since they would
know where they were going.  Also, a terribly wonderful thought kept zipping
through her mind.  She thought about the legends of her people - and remembered
the legend that the savior, father, and lord of the Ruff race had been lost in
Deep Space on a red ship roughly the size of the one they were on a collision
course with.  Her brain kept showing ecstatic scenes of her being able to bow at
the feet, lick the face, and be petted by the one and only Arnold J. Rimmer.  She
saw him as a person no less than seven feet tall, with long, brown hair, intense
blue eyes, bulging muscles, a tender hand and a kind heart.  She saw him in a
Captain's uniform because, despite facts to the contrary, the Ruffs always
believed that their benefactor had commanded the ship he died on.  Then another
thought came to her - what if the Great Rimmer was actually a hologram!  It was
possible, since the ship had had an accident and only the highest-ranking
officers were brought back as holograms in that period of history.  That way,
both her and Illia would get their wishes.  She almost hooted and howled at the
thought, but kept it to herself.  Then she prayed to the spirit of the Great
Rimmer that somehow she could meet him and somehow Illia would get her hologram
wish and, also, somehow, they all might live and the species may be continued. 
     Poppins also had her own musings on the contents of the mystery ship.  She
saw it as filled with human beings, robotics experts, no less, who could fix up
her failing systems and revamp her.  She also thought of a companion medi-droid
-someone who would know the horrors of loneliness, the ecstasy of helping people,
the humdrums of nannihood, and the intricacies of medicine.  She imagined he
would look like Data in her favorite ancient TV show, "Star Trek: The Next
Generation", except much cuter.  She also imagined a colony of children for Illia
to play with, including a number of cute, precocious, smart, and lively boys
Illia's age who would woo her when the time came.  She also imagined into it a
number of hollies, so that Illia would be pleased.  And a small group of Ruffs,
including some handsome Samoyed-types whom Duchess could make friends with.
     Then it occurred to all of them, almost simultaneously, that there was just
as much a chance that the ships would collide and not one being would survive. 
With this realization, the foolish daydreams stopped and each in turn started
thinking about their lives so far - and what they would miss out on.
     Illia, of course, plunged into the deepest depression.  She thought of all
the nice boys she had known (for some reason, she was always more popular with
the boys than with the girls).  She thought of how she could have married one of
them.  Especially intense in her mind was her best boyfriend on Mars, whom she
had tried her hardest to bring onto the Blue Giant, but his family thrived on
war, so he hadn't been able to go.  She really missed him.  His name was Rubyat
Kham, a true Indian, who used to live a few blocks down from her in New London. 
They never went to school together - as she studied in an exclusive all-girls
school and he went to an even more exclusive all-boys school.  His father was the
New Indian Underminister to New Europe, so he had class.  Rumors which he
confirmed told of him topping his class.  And his parents interested her as much
as her hollie friends.  She and Ruby used to play and talk during weekends and
vacations. Once or twice they had kissed - and he had promised once to marry her
after they had reached the age of 20.  She wished desperately that he had
survived and come along.  He would have been a much better companion than
Duchess, Ron, or Poppins.  She remembered when they won the Pre-Teen Dance
Competition on the New London TV program "DanceStand" - they had had no training
and did it just for fun.  They had danced the way they had felt - and had won no
trouble.  Missing him, regretting that now she would never marry, never have
kids, never see Mars again, never even explore the Deep Space she had spent the
last 2,900,004 years in.  What a terrible waste!  Deep, deep in depression she
wandered down to the 365th-Deck Pub to drown her sorrows again.
     Duchess was feeling even worse.  She lay on her bunk, scared that, if her
previous musings were even partly correct, she could very well be the one to kill
or erase the Great Rimmer.  It was too terrible to think of!  To kill her own
savior - it was utter blasphemy!  And she could do nothing about it.  The
components were all blown out and manufacturing new ones bordered on the
impossible.  They could have expanded their minds, but she had thrown out the
most important books!  Trying to think of some slight ray of light in her whole
dark life, she remembered the building for the poor she had helped build.  A
large number of poor Samoyeds had been homeless, so a group of devoted Ruffs
built them a house.  Duchess had insulated it, helped roof it, constructed a
closet, and seeded the grass for the outside.  It had given her a sense of
achievement.  And she remembered Brandy, her best friend.  One day they had gone
together and had a perfect day - playing in the woods, appreciating the
terraformed nature of Io, picking out stars and wondering about the universe well
into the night, until their dorm mother had found them at 3:00 A.M., woke them
up, and lectured them within a micrometer of their lives.  Nevertheless, times
like those were worth living.  But those times were gone.  Where now was Brandy? 
Where now was Ron?  And Io was deserted once again.  She smiled, then started to
cry again, making her way slowly down to the 365th-Deck Pub where she could drown
her tears in lager and stout.
     Even Poppins feared what was coming.  She knew more than any of them what
was ahead and how wretched they all really were.  Poppins regretted most all the
knowledge she had lost.  Maybe if she had been more careful during those years
of loneliness, she could have prevented this mess.  She regretted her giving in
to loneliness and alcohol when the girls most needed her.  She had let down not
only Cristal, Duke, and Raisa, but also Illia, Duchess, Ron, and the whole ship. 
She thought about turning herself off, but felt it imprudent when there still may
be some things she could do.  Right now, in the face of almost assured
destruction - pure MADness - she let her emotions get to her again and headed for
the 365th-Deck Pub, where she was not at all surprised to find Illia on her fifth
Strawberry Daiquiri and Duchess on her 12th pint of stout.  She joined them by
sipping her favorite jolt-drink (android slang for an alcoholic drink that can
affect androids), the concoction she had found during the lonely years, called
'Electric Slide-Down-Easy.'
     At first, they ignored each other, lost in their own memories, regrets, and
mental punishments.  Then Poppins said, "what should we do now?"
     "What can we do now?" whined Illia.  "Warren and the Navcomp are dead. 
We'll soon be dead too."
     Poppins thought for a second.  "That is not necessarily true."
     "How so?" asked Duchess, looking up from her 15th pint of stout.
     "What if in the month we have left, we try to learn all we can about the
ship, the engines, navigation, and everything.  Learn it as quickly as possible
and apply it as quickly as possible.  And, in our spare time, we could polish up
our history, psychology, and sociology so as to be ready should there actually
be people on the other ship - and the collision not happen."
     "Wowza!" exalted Duchess, gulping down the rest of her stout.
     "Great idea!" smiled Illia.  "Let's do it!  Back to school - real life and
death action this time!"
     "It's agreed then," said Poppins.
     The next two weeks were a flurry of incredibly fast learning.  The book on
engines was learned in two days, the further books on computers were learned in
another two days.  A whole week was spent on psychology and sociology, especially
inter-species and small-group psychology.  Then in another week they learned all
that could be learned about astronavigation, astronomy, physics and chemistry. 
They also learned the history of interstellar space travel.
     Their learning took 24 hours a day for over two weeks.  But even when it
was finished, the overwrought, overstressed women could not relax.  They went up
to the Bridge to see if anything could be done.
     On the Bridge, someone waited for them.  They saw her as they left the
lift.  Illia, when she eyed the apparition, screamed and fainted.  Duchess also
screamed and fainted when she saw her.
     Finally, Poppins came out of the lift to see what had affected them so. 
There, on the Bridge, stood Cristal Bach.
     "Cristal!"  Poppins ran up to her.  At once, all their preparations and
imminent death were forgotten in the magnitude of the meeting.
     "Yes, it is me!" cried Cristal.
     "Why are you here?  How are you here?" asked Poppins.
     "I don't know," sighed Cristal.
     Poppins went over and got Illia and Duchess out of their shock.  When they
saw Cristal again, they almost fainted again.  Finally, Illia looked up and said,
"Mom!  You're here!  You're really here!"
     "Yes, me dear, I'm here." 
     "May I touch you?" asked Illia.
     "Yes."
     Illia ran to her mother and they embraced.  "I thought you were dead,"
cried Illia.
     "No," said Cristal, "just faded."
     "What d'ya mean, just faded?" asked Duchess.
     "I mean, I believe I went into another dimension."
     "Then why can we see you now?"
     "I don't know.  Where are we?"
     "On the Blue Giant."
     "I know, but when?"
     "Three million years or so after you faded."
     "That long?  What's the situation?"
     The three women looked at each other and shrugged.  Finally, Illia spoke
up.  "We're within less than two weeks of hitting, head-on, a ship half our
size."
     "What about Warren?  Couldn't you fix him?"
     "We did.  But then he blew again trying to maneuver us out of the
situation."
     "What about the engines?"
     "Still running on hydrogen."
     "How about the Navcomp?"
     "Dead."
     "Then I must be here to usher you into my dimension."
     "You mean we're gonna die?" whimpered Duchess.
     "No, just change dimensions."
     "But, wait a second!"  Illia paced.  "Poppins told us that lots of people
faded away - where are they?"
     "I suspect they are around the ship."
     "Will you come with us and find them?" asked Duchess.
     "Alright," said Cristal.
     So the group of them explored the ship.
     First they went to the habitation decks.  They were all empty, as far as
they could tell.  Then they went to the cargo areas - also empty.  Then they went
to the 365th-Deck Pub - and found it full of doctors, astronavigators, engineers,
and many other people.  It was packed.
     They went in among the crowd, joined them for drinks, then settled into a
conversation.
     In the midst of the talk, a familiar figure joined the group.  Illia
recognized him, but couldn't think of where she had seen him before.
     As the night progressed, the man talked more and more intimately with
Illia.  She still wondered who he was.  When she saw him hold her mother like a
lover, an anger welled up in her.  She yelled, "get your hands off my mother!"
to the man.
     The people in the pub stared at her and stopped talking.  Embarrassed, she
said, "he was feeling up my mother."
     At that, Cristal and the unknown man went across the table to Illia and
asked her if they could speak to her in private.  She went with them to an empty
room down the hall.
     "Don't you know me?" asked the strangely familiar man.
     "I think I do, but I can't place you."  Illia stared hard at the man.
     "But you know me, dontcha?" asked Cristal.
     "Of course I do.  You're my mother - the unstoppable Cristal Bach."
     "But I'm your father!" insisted the strange man.
     "You?  My father?  Tony Bach?"
     "The one and only."
     "Oh, I'm so sorry, Dad.  I figured it couldn't be you - you died when the
Teleport Engine blew up, didn't you?"
     "That's what everyone thought," admitted Mr. Bach.
     "But you didn't?" Illia was mystified.  "Besides, only those with Disease
Number Five have been visible, according to Poppins."
     "Poppy's still around?  How wonderful!"  Tony smiled.  "C'mon give your
father a hug, then I'll tell you the whole story."
     Father and daughter embraced for the first time in almost three million
years.  It was a long hug and Cristal made it a three-way hug halfway through. 
Then they sat down in a little lounge area, and Illia said, "so you died of
Hologrammitis too!"
     Tony nodded and Cristal looked at Illia in a strange way.  "What's the
matter, Mom?" asked Illia after a few moments of silence.
     "You weren't supposed to know," answered Cristal.
     "Weren't supposed to know what?" asked Illia.
     "Weren't supposed to know about hologrammitis - I was afraid you'd want to
catch it.  So Poppins didn't follow my directions anyway!"  Disappointment.
     "Yes, she did," smiled Illia.  "Once she remembered.  But, at first, she
was going on bits and pieces.  But, come on, Dad, tell me your story."
     "As long as you're through," Tony looked at Cristal, who nodded.  Then he
continued, "I was near the Teleport Engine at the beginning.  But when the
fireworks started on Mars, I felt I should go up to the Bridge to comfort you
two.  I was on the Express Lift, hundreds of decks above the engines, when the
Teleport Engine blew.  Then the Express Lift went dead for hours.  The ship was
in a panic.  I was on the lift with some engineering friends, so we passed the
time talking about why the engines blew.  Finally, after five hours in the dead
lift, we were rescued and got off at the nearest deck - a recreational deck.  The
panic had increased, so we felt it safest to stay there and pass the time.  We
tried to get a message up to you on the Bridge, but I guess it never got there.
     "After a couple of hours of playing pool and video games, something weird
happened to the computer-run games.  The screens went wild, sparked, and
imploded.  So we started playing cards.
     "About that time, I started feeling nauseous.  Already two of our buddies
were dead of DEDS and ten more had started up to sick bay for the Slow Death. 
Three Ruffs in our ranks turned into Mad Dogs and we were forced to flee the
recreational area.
     "I had to sleep, so I found an odd resting room adjacent to an office on
the next level up.  I was alone.  I went to sleep for eight hours.  I awoke
feeling better, so I went to find me mates.  Halfway to where I thought they'd
be, I fainted dead away.  When I woke up, I thought I must be in some nightmare
about being an Ancient Hologram.  I couldn't touch anything - and I was
completely alone.  After I faded, I went into the other dimension and found your
mother.  We've been together ever since.  But tell me - how long has it been,
where are we, and in what situation?"
     "One at a time, Dad.  It's been, according to Poppy, 2,900,004 years since
then."  The parents gasped in astonishment.  "It's true.  We are still on the
Blue Giant, but the situation is impossible.  We're floating aimlessly in space
without a computer or, as of the last year, a Navcomp.  We're still flying,
though - on hydrogen.  But - well, we did, that is, I did fix the computer for
about a day, but it cracked down as it tried to fix the Navcomp.  Anyway, when
Warren was up, he told us we were on a collision course with an unknown spaceship
half our size, which contains a computer and possibly at least one humanoid.  We
had a month left at that time, so we decided to learn all we could.  We were
trying to figure out what to do - with less than two weeks to go - when Mom found
us.  You've gotta help us!  It's the human race's last chance!"
     "How can we help?" asked Tony.
     "You have the expertise.  The computer, Navcomp, and engines have to be
fixed in less than two weeks or we're dead along with whoever's in that other
ship.  Could you check the other ship out for us?"
     "No.  This ship is the extent of our range.  We are bound souls until this
ship is destroyed.  We are confined to the essence this ship in our dimension."
     "How horrible!" cried Illia.  "Will you help us?"
     "We'll do what we can.  Luckily, there are lots of engineers and
astronavigators in the group."
     "Before we start, can you answer one question?" asked Illia.
     "Yes,  what?"
     "How come if you died and all that - how come you can function here now?"
     "I know the answer to that," Cristal ventured.  "At least, I have a theory. 
You see, this part of Deep Space seems to contain just hundreds of strange
phenomena.  I believe your ship has passed through a time-space-chemical cloud
that has allowed all of us hologrammitis sufferers another temporary chance at
life - probably to help you."
     "How long will we be in the cloud?"
     "I don't know."
     "Then we'd better get working!"
     They went back to the 365th-Deck Pub.  Tony, Cristal, and Illia walked up
on the little stage and Cristal motioned for silence.  Then she said, "Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your Captain, Cristal Bach.  This ship is in a major, major
emergency and we must help the living - namely, my daughter Illia, also known as
Juliet, her friend, Duchess, the Last Ruff, and the android Poppins.  They are
heading, without Navcomp or computer, on a collision course with a ship half the
size of this ship.  What we must do while we are here, as long as we are here,
is to try to save them.  We must use our expertise and our regained tactile sense
to rebuild the engines, Warren, and the Navcomp.  Then use our astronavigation
ability to maneuver the ship so that it will not hit the other ship.  And we have
no way of knowing how much time we have.  So hurry and get to work."
     Most of the people cheered at this, but a significant minority grumbled. 
Cristal went and talked to the grumblers, one by one.  Then each joined the group
of people heading for the Bridge, the engine rooms, or the cargo decks.
     Illia ran over to Cristal.  "That was great!  You're really gonna do it!"
     "We're gonna try.  Do you and Duchess want to join me fixing Warren or do
you want to run and catch up with your father who's going to fix the Thruster
Engine."
     "We'll go with you."
     Duchess and Illia followed Cristal back up to the Bridge.  The place was
alive with people trying to fix Warren.  Right now they were going through and
trying to see what the problem was.  A large group headed for the lift.
     "Where are you going?" asked Illia.
     "To get new components," answered a middle-aged engineer.
     "There aren't any," admitted Illia.
     "What d'ya mean, there aren't any?" asked the engineer.
     "I mean - I totally used up the electronics storage area trying to fix him
the first time."
     "So how d'ya propose we are to fix him?" asked Lila Roberson, the resident
faded computer expert, coming up behind the engineer.
     "I thought you might be able to fix the components themselves."
     "We might be able to," nodded Lila, "but in this short time it's very
unlikely we'll be able to finish before Day Zero."
     "But you've gotta try!" pleaded Illia.
     "Very well," said Cristal.  "Lila - get the whole group together.  Illia
-you're going to have to help, as well as Duchess.  Can you do without sleep?"
     "To save my life - of course I'll do without sleep!"
     "Good, 'cause we'll have to work full speed on these components every hour
of every day until Day Zero!"
     "I'm ready for it," said Illia.
     Duchess nodded.  
     After that, the ship was a flurry of work.  A messenger came from the
engine rooms to report that Tony and his crew had just as impossible a task ahead
of them, but they were working on it.
     The whole group scurried around the ship in their work.  Illia and Cristal
labored with Lila to fix the main CPU.  Since Illia had already fixed Warren
once, this was fairly easy.  She just pointed out the wrecked components, Cristal
tested them, then Lila and Duchess would take a bad component, go to a newly-made
clean room area, and meticulously fix it.  As the days wore on, they grew tired
of the never-ending tedious work.  As the days to Day Zero diminished down to
ten, tempers flared.  The worst fight happened among the people fixing Warren's
CPU.  Illia started it, of course.
     "What's this?" she asked Duchess, who, in a sleepy haze, had returned a
component to her, supposedly fixed.
     "It's a capacitor chip for Warren's section 1,321," answered Duchess with
a yawn.
     "I know that," Illia looked at Duchess with naked hatred, the book-throwing
incident now looming up in her sleep-starved mind, "but why didn't you fix it?"
     "I did fix it."
     "No, you didn't," Illia shoved the wrecked component contemptuously in
Duchess's face.  "Look at that burned wire sticking up.  If that's fixed, I'm the
King of Venus."
     Duchess looked at the component, looked at Illia, then burst into tears. 
But Illia was in no mood for her tears.
     "Stop cryin', you big boob!" yelled Illia.  "Just go and fix the farging
capacitor and come back."
     "You can't treat me like this!" yelled Duchess, her anger overcoming her
tears.
     "And why can't I treat you like this?" smirked Illia.  "I'm the only human
we know for sure is truly alive - and you're just a little Ruff bitch - do it!"
     "I told you never to call me that again!" yelled Duchess.
     "You did, did you?" yelled Illia.  "Well, who cares.  Go do it or I'll keep
your bone for myself!"
     "Keep talking like that and all you'll be is bones!" growled Duchess.
     "Calm down, calm down!" yelled Cristal, coming between the two women who
looked like they were about to start a real fist-fight.
     "I won't calm down, This is my ship and I can do what I want when I want
and with whom I want!" yelled Illia.
     Her mother slapped her on the face and said, "you are on my ship, the one
I brought you on against your will.  As long as I am on this ship, I run it, and
you take orders from me, Illia Darla Bach - understand?"
     Illia nodded, rubbing her tingling cheek.
     "Now that was a cruel thing to say to a Ruff, especially one who has helped
you so much," nagged Cristal in her most motherly tone.
     "She hasn't helped me all that much!" countered Illia.  "She threw my
chance for a future down out the garbage chute."
     Illia and Duchess glared at each other with bared teeth.
     "That was in the past!"  Cristal once again came between them.
     "Who cares?  She did it.  Now let her get back to work and give me the
proper respect."
     "What proper respect?" asked Cristal.
     "The respect a human deserves from a Ruff."
     "That's ancient history!"  Cristal turned Illia around and looked her
straight in the eye.  "What you are talking about is Ruff slavery, which was
outlawed millennia ago!  Now apologize!"
     "Do I have to?" whined Illia.
     "Yes," glared Cristal.
     "O.K., I'm sorry," mumbled Illia, not very convincingly.
     "I said apologize - not mumble!" yelled Cristal.
     "All right," she turned to face Duchess, "hey, Duchy, I'm sorry I called
you names - and what is past is past.  Friends?"
     "Friends."  They shook hands.
     "Good," nodded Cristal.  "Now get back to work."
     "Can't I just take a little nap?" whined Duchess.  "Ruffs aren't as
resilient to sleep deprivation as humans are."
     "No, no, no!" yelled Illia.  "You must work - we all must work or we'll be
dead in less than ten days.  Comprende?"
     "Comprende."
     The work continued, but it got cruddier and shoddier and more turtle-like
and slower as the days progressed.  The faded people with their expertise and
unknown lifespan helped the survivors in ways they couldn't help themselves. 
When Day Zero was less than eight days away, a group of fadeds with Poppins' help
was able to fix the Navcomp.  Poppins ran up to the people fixing Warren's CPU,
jumping up and down (she was the only one left with any energy).  When they
finally calmed her down, she exalted, "they fixed it!  They fixed it!  The faded
people fixed the Navcomp!  Maybe we won't die!"
     "Don't get so happy quite yet," cautioned Cristal.  "Is the Navcomp
actually running?"
     "Yes - I saw it - lights flashing!  A humming sound!  It's on!"
     "Are there some astronavigators around to re-program it so we won't hit the
other ship?"
     "They are doing it right now."
     All of the sudden, they heard an explosion.  They instinctively dived for
the floor.  "What was that?" asked Illia.
     "I don't know," said Poppins.
     About an hour after the explosion, a slightly burnt astronavigator named
Tom made it to the Bridge.
     "What happened?" asked Illia.
     "The Navcomp blew," he cried.
     "Anyone hurt?" asked Duchess.
     "Everyone's dead already, stupid," said Illia.
     "Oh, I forgot," said Duchess.
     So the tedious work continued through the next night and day.  At the end
of day seven in the countdown to Day Zero, the Navcomp was a quarter finished for
the third time, the Thruster Engine was halfway fixed and Warren's CPU was three-
eighth of the way done.  Realizing there was only a week to go, the people went
into overdrive.  Despite their tiredness and snappiness, they tried to work at
twice the speed they had worked at before.
     The next morning, Illia and Duchess woke up on the floor of the Bridge,
still exhausted, not even remembering how they went to sleep.
     Through their exhaustion-fogged minds, it took an hour to realize that
Cristal, Tony, and the rest of the fadeds were gone.
     "They're not here!" cried Illia, finally.
     "Who's not here?" yawned Duchess.
     "Mom, Dad - all the fadeds!"  Illia stood up.
     "Oh, they probably went down to the Pub to let us sleep."
     Sleepily, they both went down to the 365th-Deck Pub.  There they found
Poppins and no one else.
     "Where are they?" asked Illia.
     "They're gone," said Poppins.
     "Gone, where?" asked Duchess.
     "Back to their dimension," sighed Poppins.
     "To their dimension - without us?" asked a wide-eyed Illia.
     "Yes - it appears that we passed through the cloud.  They have gone back
to the other dimension and left us in the lurch."
     "But they can't!" yelled Illia.
     "But they did," Poppins paced.
     "So what do we do now?  There are less than seven days 'til Day Zero.  What
can we do?" asked Illia.
     "I suggest you sleep on it," yawned Duchess.  "And I sleep on it, too!"
     "Excellent idea."
     They returned to their sleeping quarters and again went fast asleep the
moment their heads touched the pillows.
     When they woke up, Day Zero was only five days away.




                              CHAPTER FIFTEEN

                                 DAY FIVE

     "So what do we do now?" asked Illia.
     "I dunno," whined Duchess.
     "Are your thoughts bothering you?" asked Poppins.
     "Yeah!" moaned Illia.
     "Then why do you not do something to get your minds off your thoughts?"
     "Great idea, Poppy!  What?" asked Illia.
     "I know - let's play Super-Duper Trivial Pursuit?" smiled Duchess.
     "What?  A stupid game!"
     "It will get your minds off of the future," Poppins pointed out.
     "I know.  Let's make it interesting!  Make it the World Championship
match!" Illia jumped up and down.
     "Let's do it!" cried Duchess.
     Illia and Poppins went over to the closet and took out the game.  They set
it on the table.  "Best out of ten - winner gets any wish done after this mess,
if we live.  Got it?"
     "Those are quite some odds, ma'am," said Poppins.
     "Oh, go blow!" yelled Illia.  "You'll win anyway."
     "I am not playing."  Poppins folded her hands on her chest.
     "Oh, yes you are.  We all have to play or else our minds'll start wandering
again."
     "Very well."
     They started playing.  The game went slow, even more so since Poppins was
really quite stupid, especially on details about Earth and Mars, which comprised
most of the game.  The only questions she got right were the biology ones.
     After three hours, Illia had won the first game and they were starting the
second.  "Don't hold back on us anymore!" commanded Illia, frowning at Poppins.
     "I did not hold back on you," insisted Poppins.
     The second game went just as slowly and just as dully as the first, that
is, until the question, "Who wrote the New Kampf?" came up.
     "I know - it was Sigmund Theismann, that evil 23rd-century cold scientist
who thought himself a politician."  Duchess frowned.  Then she burst into tears.
     "What are you crying about?" asked Illia, just as disturbed.
     "You know - Mars, Io, the loss of our families, our impending death - you
know, everything!"
     "Why'd you have to bring that up?  We were trying to concentrate on not
thinking about those things!"
     "I know, but I just couldn't help it."
     "You're right," admitted Illia.  "I couldn't help it either.  Let's go onto
the next question, maybe we can forget about it."
     That game finished amiably with Duchess winning after four hours.  After
the game, Poppins smiled, "know what?"
     "What?"
     "It's time to go to bed."
     "You expect us to sleep now?"
     "Of course."
     "Oh, all right," sighed Illia.  Before she could even turn toward her bunk,
Poppins came in with a three-course dinner.  "What's that for?" asked Duchess.
     "I know - a dying person needs to gorge himself," sighed Illia.
     "No, no!" assured Poppins.  "It is just that you have not eaten all day.
You must eat.  Then sleep."
     "Oh, all right, you bleeding nanny."
     "I take that as a compliment, ma'am."
     "Take it however you wish."
     They finished the meal in silence, then, just as silently, got into their
bunks.  It was deep in the dwarfish hours of the morning when Illia finally got
to sleep, after listening to Duchess's freight-train-like snore for two hours.

                                 DAY FOUR
     "Get up!  Get up!  Time to return to our tournament!" cheerily smiled
Poppins as she shook Illia awake.
     "There's not gonna be any tournament anymore."  Illia pushed her away.
     "What do you mean, Miss Bach?  There must be a tournament, otherwise we
shall all get completely and totally insane," answered Poppins.
     "No - there's another way!"  Illia quickly got dressed.
     "What way?"  Duchess jumped out of her bunk.
     "Easy!  We just have to explore the ship.  All this gloom-and-doom isn't
necessary!  All we have to do is find out if there is any other solution on the
ship.  Then we return to Warren's CPU and take over where the fadeds left off."
     "That is truly insane!"  Poppins shook her head.
     "Got a better idea?"
     "No.  Nevertheless, it would be useless."
     "Even if it is useless, I want to go down fighting.  I can't stand just
sitting around here playing games.  Come on."
     "But you must eat breakfast first," Poppins pointed out.
     "Make me an egg-and-bacon biscuit.  We'll eat on the way."
     Poppins rushed to make two egg-and-bacon biscuits, then followed them out
of the sleeping quarters.
     They spent the whole morning searching the major electronic parts of the
ship for possible components to fix Warren with.  No luck.
     After a long, tedious lunch (tedious because Poppins had to go down to the
sleeping quarters to fix the Philly-steak-and-cheese subs to bring back up to
them.  The whole process took over an hour), Illia held up her hands in
frustration.  "This is useless.  We'll never find any more components!  So let's
get to the Bridge!"
     "Why the Bridge?" asked Duchess.
     "To fix Warren's CPU, you idiot," answered Illia.
     They all piled onto the lift and took the long ride up to the Bridge. 
There they found Warren in the exact wretched chaotic state they had left him in
when the fadeds went away.
     "Now what d'we do?" asked Duchess.
     "Do you remember what you did when we were working with Mom?" asked Illia.
     "Well, a little bit," answered Duchess hesitantly.
     "Enough to do it with what's left?"
     "I dunno."
     "Let's try."
     Illia located a burnt-out memory chip and gave it to Duchess.  "What did
you do now?"
     "Well."   Duchess paused to think for about five minutes, "I think I used
these pliers and straightened up the needles like so."  Duchess straightened out
the pins, Illia did the same on a similar component.
     "Then what?"
     "I dunno.  Then I gave it to Lila to finish off."
     "Wonderful!  Just farging wonderful!" yelled Illia.  "Now we'll never fix
Warren!"
     "We could just straighten out the pins, maybe that would be enough,"
suggested Poppins.
     "No!  No!  It just won't work.  I fixed him before.  Without the
components, it's impossible!" ranted Illia.
     "But what about the navcomp?" suggested Duchess.  "Maybe if we could fix
that we'd be better off anyway!  Maybe we could even miss the ship!"
     "Good idea!" exalted Poppins.  "And I recorded all we did with the navcomp. 
Let's go!"
     They took the lift back down to the Navigational Computer room.  There,
they stared at the mess for five minutes, then Poppins started working.  "What're
you doing?" asked Illia.
     "Fixing it," replied Poppins.
     "Can we help?"
     "No, I do not believe so.  It would take me too long to explain to you how
to do it.  Just watch - when it is completed, you may boot it up."
     They spent the next three hours watching Poppins quickly aligning and
repairing various components and parts of the navcomp.  When she was done,
Poppins left the machine, and walked over to stand by where the others leaned
against a wall, watching her.  "Didya fix it?" asked Illia.
     "I think so."
     "How d'we boot it up?" asked Duchess.
     "Just press that green button."  Poppins pointed to it.
     "But the last time we pressed that green button - in fact the last three
times - the thing blew!  Is it safe?"
     "I do not know.  But it is our only chance."
     "Then you push the button.  We'll stay way back."
     "Very well."
     Illia and Duchess walked back to the very back of the room, right next to
the door.  Poppins hesitantly went up to the computer, then carefully pushed the
large green button in the center of the console.  She waited a few seconds, as
the lights started flashing and the machine started humming.  "I think it is
working again," she yelled.  Then the whole console blew up in her face.
     When the console blew, Illia and Duchess ran out the door to miss the
explosion.  When the booming and crashing had stopped, they carefully came back
into the room.  They found Poppins, with a number of what looked like
motherboards and a computer screen piled on top of her, on the far left-hand side
of the room.  "Are you O.K.?" asked Duchess.
     "I think I am fine," sighed Poppins, slowly making her way out of the pile. 
"I just got slightly banged up.  A little oil, a little polishing, and a little
turn-off time and I shall be just fine."
     "Well, so much for that brilliant idea!" cried Illia.
     "At least we tried," pointed out Duchess.
     "I guess you're right.  Let's get back to the sleeping quarters.  Maybe
tomorrow morning we'll come up with some better idea."
     "I'm with you on that."
     "And I need some shut-down time."
     "Let's go."
     So ended the fourth day before Day Zero.

                                 DAY THREE
     The next morning, Duchess woke up with an idea.  "I know what we can do!"
she smiled.
     "What?" asked Illia, hoping that Duchess had somehow come up with a truly
Ruffian way to get them out of this mess.
     "We can get our minds off it!  Let's say we go down to the sealed zero-gee
deck, get on our spacesuits, and play an all-out, best-out-of-five tournament of
one-on-one Ruffian Zero-Gee Baseball!"
     "Great!  Just great!  I thought you really had a solution!"
     "I think what she suggests makes a lot of sense," said Poppins.
     "You would, you metal bitch," sneered Illia.  "Besides, if we're playing
one-on-one, what's Poppy gonna do?"
     "She'll be referee."
     "Just wonderful.  But I guess you're right, we do have to find something
to get our minds off this impending death of ours."
     "I knew you would see the rationality of it."  Poppins totally missed the
irony in Illia's voice.
     "Then let's go," chirped Duchess.
     "Not 'til after breakfast," demanded Illia.
     Poppins fixed them a huge breakfast, then they took the lift down the 357
floors to the Zero-Gee Sports Arena, one of the few things intact and working in
the general vicinity of the former Thruster Engine room.  Before going in (this
particular part of the ship lost its atmospheric controls when the engine blew),
they donned sleek, golden spacesuits with light, crystal-clear helmets and even
lighter zero-gee atmosphere boots.  Then they entered the arena.
     It had all the looks of a normal football stadium in 20th-century Mars,
except that, once you got past the bleachers and onto the actual field, you felt
like you were out in space.  Poppins stayed inside the bleacher complex to watch
the games while Illia and Duchess floated into the arena.
     There, they threw a very heavy coin (made of a super-dense lead alloy, the
only metal that could drop in zero-gee, invented in 2100 for the first Zero-Gee
Football match) to see who got to bat first.  Duchess called "heads", so when the
head of the Great Rimmer (not at all like the real one - this head showed an
extremely macho-looking man with a beard, mustache, and a serene look on his
face) appeared on the Ruffian coin, she took up the bat and started swinging it
in all nine vectors.  Illia floated out to the center of the arena with the
traditional mid-weight zero-gee baseball (which could never be picked up outside
of a zero-gee baseball arena) and started practicing pitching in all nine
vectors.  Finally, she decided on the forward vector.  Duchess saw her decide and
had two seconds to move herself to the correct vector.  Then Illia threw.  The
ball came at about 400 clicks-a-minute and barely missed Duchess's bat a second
after she swung.  "Strike one," called out Poppins from the stands.
     When Poppins returned the ball (which had come close to hitting her), Illia
pitched again, this time in the semi-illegal upside-down vector.  But Duchess
played too good for her.  She swung and hit it right out the other side of the
field.  While Illia floated off to catch the ball, Duchess did a very cheerful
float around the eight bases.
     So the game progressed.  By lunchtime, Duchess had won the first and second
games, 20 to 3 and 54 to 29.  "Ya still wanna play?" asked Duchess as Poppins
called them in for lunch, which she had remembered to pack this time.
     "Of course I wanna play!  I'll beat you yet!"
     "We'll see.  I only have to win one more game and I'm the champ!"
     They gulped down their lunches and then returned to the field.  This time,
Illia won the first game 105 to 87.  Then she won the next game also, 67 to 45. 
Then Poppins made them break for dinner, which, once again, she had remembered
to bring from the sleeping quarters.
     "Now we're all tied up," smirked Illia.  "I told ya I'd beatya."
     "We'll see.  One more game either way to see who's the real champ."
     "No - this is the World Championship, isn't it?"
     "Yeah."
     "So, if I win, Mars's champ, if you win, Io's champ.  Deal?"
     "Deal.  Let's hear it for Io, right Poppy?"
     "No, I am neutral."
     "You can't be neutral.  You're really for Mars, aren't ya?"
     "No, I am neutral, as I said."
     "Well, look at that - playing for our two dear departed worlds and can't
even get a cheer out of Poppy!"
     "Don't say that.  I'll start to cry!" sniffed Duchess.
     "You're right, I shouldn't have said that," said Illia, wiping a tear off
her cheek as she thought of her friends in New London.  "Let's hurry up and eat
and get back to playing.  I can't stand this!"
     They wolfed down their dinners, much to Poppin's chagrin, then went right
back out to the field.  This time, they both worked at it a hundred percent.  It
was quite a game.  
     At the bottom of the 15th inning, one inning to go, they were tied 102 to
102 and Illia was up to bat.  Duchess decided on the right-top vector and did a
fancy curve ball.  Illia missed it by a mile.  "Strike two!" yelled Poppins.
     "That makes it three balls and two strikes - a full house!  Let's see what
the loser can do," taunted Duchess, an admitted expert at her homemoon's favorite
pastime.
     Illia ignored her.  When the pitch came, ultra-fast from the surprise left-
bottom vector, Illia pulled her own stunt and smashed the ball right past center
field into the bleachers, causing Duchess to curse at her for a full minute
before flying over to the stands to try to find the ball.  Illia strided across
the eight bases at a reasonable pace, coming into home long before Duchess ever
found the ball.  "Now I'm winning!" she taunted Duchess as she went up to bat
again.
     She got one more run that inning.  Unfortunately for her, Duchess was able
to pull two off her the bottom of the 16th, so the game had to go into overtime.
     It wasn't until the top of the 20th, as Poppins clock told her the day was
nearly over, the time nearing midnight, that Illia finally made the winning run
off of Duchess and Duchess was unable to top it.  Illia cheered for Mars the
whole way back to the sleeping quarters, then insisted they all have a couple of
shots of champagne to celebrate.  It was well after two o'clock when they all got
to bed, although, except for the crying jig at lunch, Poppins felt it had been
a successful day.  And was somehow inordinately glad that Illia had won for Mars. 
She mulled over this idea a little before shutting herself down for the night at
3:30.

                                  DAY TWO
     Illia woke up with an unusual glow in her heart and a wonderful smell in
her nostrils.  Then her situation hit her again, and she frowned.  She woke
Duchess up.  "What time is it?" she asked Poppins, who was fixing an
extraordinarily delicious-smelling breakfast.
     "It is nearly 11:00 in the morning.  I felt after the excitement of last
night, you should be allowed to sleep."
     "But we have only today and tomorrow to live!  You shoulda waken us up at
six!  We've gotta live when we can live!"
     "Sorry.  Here, eat some breakfast, then we can go down to the Zero-Gee
Stadium again."
     "No thanks, I've had enough Ruffian baseball to last a lifetime."
     "But, ma'am, it got your mind off the future!  It was successful!"
     "Maybe so, but I wanna spend my next-to-last day doing what I wanna do. 
I think we should all do the same.  I'm gonna curl up with that intermediate book
on hollies and catch up on my daydreamin'.  If ya can't live, at least ya should
be able to dream.  How about you, Duchy?"
     "I wanna get drunk and take a full tour of the ship - maybe I can even find
a living Park Room and get to do some daydreamin' of my own.  What about you,
Poppins, wanna join me?"
     "No.  You just come back here for mealtimes, both of you.  I'll cook you
up the greatest feasts known to anyone in the universe!"
     "You really mean to spend your penultimate day of life cooking?"
     "Sure.  What could be more wonderful!"
     "A year in prison," suggested Illia.
     "A house without grass!" put in Duchess.
     "But it is my greatest joy!  Remember those luscious dishes I used to cook
for you and your mother and father back in New London, Miss Bach?"
     "I do indeed.  I suppose if I could cook like that I'd do it too!  We'll
eat this wonderful tucker then be out of your way!  To return at noon and six,
if that suits ya,"
     "That suits me fine, ma'am."
     "What is this stuff, anyway?  I thought we were running out of stores?"
     "No, not at all.  We have lots of stores, they are just all down about a
thousand floors in the cargo decks."
     "I see.  So what is this?"
     "Fried thawed frozen Ruffian Superchicken eggs with thyme, rosemary, a
little bit of Swiss Supercow cheese, and chopped Superpig bacon made into an
omelet.  Also wheat toast a la Poppy, fresh frozen mango juice, fresh powdered
milk topped with chocolate water, grilled pseudo-kippers a la New London, and to
top it off the world-famous secret Breakfast Casserole from a recipe I got from
the chef at the Io Hilton."
     "Marvelous!" said Illia, between bites.  Duchess, didn't speak at all. 
They all had five servings of everything, then left the room complaining of
stomach-aches.  When they were gone, Poppins started humming the theme to "Almost
Human" as she threw the good china dishes out the garbage chute.
     Duchess headed for the 365th-Deck Pub, where she soon downed a full case
of Budsouser Super-fortified Stout, followed by a case of ancient Jack Donials
whiskey, followed by three bottles of even more ancient Okrod White Zinfandel
wine.  Then she passed out, in the midst of a lovely delusion of the bar packed
with happy Ruffs.
     Illia picked up the book called Holobodies and Holograms: The Intermediate
Guide to Cybernetic Immortality by, of course, Juliet Winger.  It was the only
book by her on the whole ship and Illia felt lucky to find it.  She found the
sumptuous Honeymoon Suite on deck 1,777, had a nice dip in the hot-tub, got into
her comfiest lounge suit, and settled down in bed with the book.  She read the
first chapter, describing the history of the holograms.  This led her into a
daydream.  Once again, the ship had made it through the crash and had contacted
the other ship.  On board were the only survivors of the legendary Red Dwarf,
three humans - one female, Captain Lucille Kirk, two males, First Mate Tristan
Dundee, blonde and very handsome, and his teenage son, Lancelot Dundee, just as
blonde and handsome and also Illia's age.  Besides that, there would be a very
genial and handsome male computer named Thomas who would answer all her questions
and, best of all, the hologram of Ruff's truly legendary Arnold J. Rimmer, the
Great Rimmer - a handsome, ultra-smart First Console Executive, of course (the
histories were all wrong on that, she was sure) looking just like the face on
Duchess's coin.  She just couldn't wait to have a long talk!  What he could tell
her!  She wanted to imagine, but couldn't.  With a soothing sigh, she fell
asleep, only to be wakened by a booming 'Red Alert' siren.
     "Did I sleep too long!  Is it Day Zero?" she asked herself, running as fast
as she could to the sleeping quarters, to find a very angry, barely functioning
Duchess sitting at the table.  "What happened to you?" she asked.
     "Miss Rimera had a little too much to drink.  I found her in the 365th-Deck
Pub where she had passed out on the floor and did not even hear the Red Alert."
     "What's the Red Alert about anyway?"
     "Oh, sorry about that," Poppins went outside and turned off the Alert.  "I
figured it was the only way in which to summon both of you to lunch."
     "But I was sure it was Day Zero!  Don't scare me like that again!"
     "Very well.  How do you wish to be summoned, should you not get here on
time?"
     "I dunno.  Why don't we just say Yellow Alert means supper, anything else
is an emergency."
     "Agreed."
     They ate their lunches, consisting this time of a mixture of the finest
sandwiches from around the solar system - Ionian beefburgers, Philly
cheesesteaks, Mimian fajitas, Martian chicken-and-sauerkraut sandwiches, with
world famous New London chips, Southern NeoAmerican coleslaw, and New German
potato salad on the side.  To drink, they had thick shakes from McIntoll's secret
recipe (all secret recipes were programmed into nanny droids).
     After lunch, they went out again.  Illia returned to the Honeymoon Suite,
continuing in her daydream - this time, she married Lancelot and the Great Rimmer
does the marrying.  Then she returned to her book - the second chapter on the
history of the holobodies.  She read the names of the First Ten Holobodies and
burst into tears.  "How can we be here?  How can we be on this ship indulging
ourselves when such great people have been lost?  What is even the Great Rimmer
or the Captain of an ancient ship compared to the loss of Mom, Dad, Raisa, Duke,
Ron, Jean and all the rest?"  She cried, tears falling between each word.  She
finally let it all out and cried herself dry into the satiny pillow of the
California-King-size bed.  Then, worn out, she fell asleep again.
     Duchess decided she had done enough drinking for a day.  She started
wandering around the ship, especially in the area surrounding the main area hit
by the explosion of the Tesseract Engine.  There, only a floor above the
wreckage, she found what she never thought she'd see again - a real true live
Park Room still growing after all these millions of years.  Duchess danced around
like a batter who just got a homerun in a Zero-Gee game, then ran around the Park
Room like a maniac.  Finally, she sat down in the luxurious, if overgrown, grass
and thought about the green grass of home - the fields, forests, and buildings
of Io.  She sniffed it in and sighed pleasantly.  Then she got a new vision of
the dream-ship.  She saw it as a giant Ruff-carrier, full completely of well-kept
grass.  The crew were all Ruffs, with one lone cute teenage boy for Illia, and
a handsome Hansolo droid for Poppins.  She also saw a couple of holograms - Ruff
holograms who would inform Illia of the history of the ship.  It would be
fantastic.  Sniffing the fresh air, she promptly went to sleep.  She woke up to
the 'Yellow Alert' siren.  "Dinner," she thought.
     Reluctantly, Illia and Duchess got themselves up and returned to the
sleeping quarters, where Poppins turned off the siren and served a dinner even
more fantastic and interplanetary then lunch was.  The meal consisted of Mimian
bladderfish, New London broil, NeoChinese stir-fried vegetables, New San
Francisco rice, and, for dessert, Southern pecan pie and chocolate mousse. 
"You're gonna make us fat if you keep up like this, Poppy!" sighed Illia.
     "Do not worry about it.  With only one more day to live, it does not
matter."
     "You shouldn't have brought that up, Poppy," said Duchess.
     "I know."
     "Well, so much for today.  I won't get any sleep tonight, will you?"
     "No way!  I've been sleeping all day!"
     "Why do you not get into your bunks anyway - at least you shall be
comfortable while you talk."
     "Good idea."
     The human and the Ruff climbed into their bunks and were fast asleep and
snoring within a half-hour.

                                  DAY ONE

     Poppins shook Illia awake.  "What time is it," she asked.
     "Six o'clock, ma'am."
     "Good. We wanna have a full day for our last day."
     "What are we gonna do?" asked Duchess, yawning and stretching.
     "What about Zero-Gee Baseball?" suggested Poppins.
     "No way!" yelled Illia.
     "How about we do what we did yesterday?" asked Duchess.
     "And sleep the day away - no way!" put in Illia.
     "I know.  Why do we not just stay here and discuss what we see as our
future, the important things and people in our past, and, should this imminent
death not be imminent, who we see as our counterparts on this mystery ship."
     "Great idea, Poppy!" said Illia.
     "All right," said Duchess.
     "Tell us about your family," said Illia, looking at Duchess.
     "I never knew my family.  They left Io when I was six and I stayed.  My
friends were always my family, that is, until that last day when Dad and I really
got close."
     "What was school like on Io?"
     "Oh, I dunno, pretty boring.  Subjects like the History of Io - Part One
-humans, Part Two - Ruffs; Gardening 101; Pre-Military Gymnastics, stuff like
that.  But the kids were great.  You can't beat Ruffs for a good time!  Zero-Gee
Baseball twice a week, long walks in the woods, long talks with friends - and the
parties we had - Wowza!  It was great."  Tears started coming down Duchess's
cheeks.  "What was your family like?" she asked, looking at Illia.
     "I knew mine about as well as you knew yours.  My Mom was always at the lab
or doing Peacenik work.  Dad was always cooped up with Raisa on some engineering
project.  I spent most of my time with Poppy until I got to be school age.  Don't
ask me about her, don't wanna embarrass her.  But school was terrible.  They
called me "cry baby" and "monk" since I couldn't seem to get along with the
people.  I preferred to be by myself reading, writing, or inventing something. 
School was a drag."
     "I agree."
     So they talked about their pasts all morning, until Poppins stopped them
around noon to take a lunch break, where they continued talking while they ate. 
During that time, they started talking about what they had most wanted in their
lives, but hadn't gotten.
     "I just wanted to meet a real live - I mean dead - Ancient Hologram. 
They're such fascinating, intriguing things!  And to talk with them!  I mean, if
anyone lives by their voices, it's them!  They had to be very resourceful people
just to make it!  And only the best were made into holograms!  It would be such
fun!"
     "Why?  What's so fun about a dead person who can't touch anything?"
     "I dunno.  I mean, they can walk through walls and things - just like
ghosts, but they were real living beings.  They really almost are ghosts, which
is a farg of a lot more interesting than hollies that can taste, touch, and feel. 
Hollies are as good as humans - holograms, they're esoteric, almost metaphysical. 
They live totally on their minds, which is how I think we should all live."
     "I think you are exaggerating!" snorted Poppins.  "My studies of holograms
tells me that they were basically unhappy people - or why did Juliet Winger
invent the holobody?"
     "I suppose you're right.  What about you, Poppy, what do you most wish you
coulda done?"
     "I think I would have gone to Io, providing it was still a living world. 
I would have liked to have seen the place Duchess has described so well.  The
environment sounds a little like ancient Earth, before the 100,000-years War. 
It sounds quite pleasant.  Besides, I would have been able to gain a whole new
repertoire of recipes.  Duchess, what do you wish you could have done?"
     "I wish only that I could have seen more of Mars - met more of these
hollies and more of the Samoyed Ruffs, my brothers who I saw very little of
actually on Io.  My best friend, Brandy, was one of them and she told me
fascinating stories of their military prowess.  It would have been fun to see the
Ruffian Brigade in action.  Only to see my savior face-to-face would be more
wonderful to me than to have explored all the vast reaches of Mars.  That is my
dream.  But Mars is gone."
     They segued into a long discussion on Earth, Mars, the 100,000-years War,
and what a waste it had all been.
     After that, Poppins reminded them that they had to eat sometime, so she
whipped up a quick meal in the heat-machine as they continued their discussion. 
This time, the conversation turned to the question of what if they didn't hit
this other ship - who or what do they see the ship containing?
     "I hope it'll be a Ruffian ship, although it's kinda large for it," said
Duchess.  "Anyway, I hope there are some Ruffs on board.  If not, I'll go crazy. 
And I certainly hope to the Great Rimmer that no Feline Sapien has evolved and
come on the ship - then I'll really go nuts!"
     "Who do you hope is on the ship, besides Ruffs?" asked Poppins.
     "Oh, I'd like there to be an Ancient Hologram, just to make Illia happy. 
But to make me happy, I want it to be the hologram of the Great Rimmer.  You all
know he died on a ship of the same size of the one out there.  He must've been
a great officer, so of course he'd be made into a hologram."
     "I think you're off your rocker!" sneered Illia, "but it's a nice thought. 
I see a human ship, with lots of cute human males and females, and, of course,
their kids, mainly teenage boys.  I'd also like a hologram on board, but I expect
we'll all be wrong and it'll be full of nice, mild military hollies.  But
anything's better than death!  I also see a cute male computer who can answer all
our questions and not go batty like Warren.  What do you see, Poppy?"
     "I see a human ship as you do.  But on board I want a nice, cute male
android, a Hansolo or a Laurel or a Freud - handsome, funny, or smart.  I do not
care.  I just want one of my kind, preferably one who has been babysitting
humans.  I also see a few scattered Ruffs, mainly military Samoyeds.  And I think
you are correct about the computer, Miss Bach, but we must not hope too hard. 
Let us pray to whatever is out there that we may live through tomorrow, then get
some sleep."
     "All right," sighed Duchess.
     "But get us up early," said Illia.
     "I shall wake you at 5:00 a.m."
     "Great!"
     With all the discussions flying through their minds, the three women headed
for their bunks and, three hours later, were finally asleep.

                                 DAY ZERO
     They woke up to the sound of Red Alert.  "Is this it?" yelled Illia,
rushing into her clothes and following Poppins who was running down the hall. 
Duchess put on her clothes double-time and followed the others out.  Poppins led
them to a little room that held the forward observatory for that floor.  The room
was rounded and made almost totally of break-resistant plexiglass.  But what they
saw out the window made Illia start to scream and shout, Poppins to wail, and
Duchess to go into a faint for a few minutes.  What thy saw was a very ugly, very
red ship with "Red Dwarf" painted on its nosecone, half as long as the Blue Giant
(which was 12 miles long), but just as wide and deep, coming around a planet and
bearing in on them, for a head-on collision at almost the speed of light.

                                PART THREE

                        RED DWARF MEETS BLUE GIANT



                                CHAPTER ONE

          Rimmer and Lister looked on as Carver frantically punched the navicomp
keyboard.  The large blue ship kept getting larger on the screen.
     "What are you doing?" yelled Rimmer.
     "Tryin' to get this ship turned so we'll miss the other one, of course."
     "But how?"
     "How would you understand the concepts at all, with all due respect, sir?"
asked Kryten.
     "I'd understand!  C'mon, Charlie, tell me?"  Rimmer reached over and gave
her bottom a light love-tap.
     "Stop it!" yelled Carver.  "I'm tryin' to work!"
     "Yeah - can't you see she's trying to save our lives - lay off her!" cried
Lister.
     "Why don't you tell me?"
     "You flunked your exam 13 times!  Even if I told you you wouldn't
understand the concepts!"
     "Try me!"
     "Oh, all right." She paused to work out another astronavigation equation
in her head.  "You see, I'm taking the four-dimensional vectors, crossing them
with the uncertainty principle, working with the gravity of the five planets
closest and the sun that's about 300 light years away, trying to create a gravity
shield around the ship to force the ship to move so we don't hit the Blue Giant."
     "Oh, I see."
     "You didn't understand a word of what I'm telling you."
     "Oh, yes I did!"
     "Then help me with this equation.  I need to know the quantum vector
between their ship bearing 50 degrees, 45 minutes, 13 seconds, 35 gigils and our
ship bearing 310 degrees, 15 minutes, 52 seconds, and 64 gigils.  Got it?"
     "What's a gigil?"
     "Oh, you're hopeless!  Let me do it now or we'll all be killed!"
     Charlie quickly put a series of numbers into Holly's databank, got the
number, and started pounding on the navicomp keyboard even quicker.  While she
did the burnt-blue ship appeared to come closer and closer at an alarming rate.
     "Do something!  Do something!" yelled Rimmer.
     "Yeah!  That ship's comin' on too fast!" shivered Lister.
     "Hurry up, woman!  I can't die now, I am still too good looking for words!"
yelled Cat.
     Rimmer and Lister turned to look at Cat, while Charlie continued to work
frantically at the keyboard.  Suddenly there was a great shaking.  The ship
seemed to have a minor earthquake.  Carver held on frantically to the keyboard,
while she continued calculating and astronavigating.  Lister, Kryten, Cat and
Rimmer found themselves on the floor - Cat had come within an inch of falling
through Rimmer and Lister had banged Kryten right up against a computer console. 
When they got up the scene had changed.
     "Where's the other ship?" asked Lister.
     "It's coming up right beside us.  Can't talk."  Charlie continued to
frantically pummel the keys.  Rimmer got up and stared at her with frank
admiration in his eyes - this was his wife, after all.  Lister got up and stared
at the spaceship.  Kryten picked himself up and went over to another keyboard to
see if he could help Charlie and Holly.  Cat just dusted himself off, picked
himself up, and started combing his hair.
     The view changed on the main screen.  The scene now showed the Blue Giant
coming up very closely beside the Red Dwarf - and the Red Dwarf really looked
like a dwarf beside it.
     "I never knew there could be a spaceship that big!"  Lister's eyes bulged
at the sight.
     "It's the same size as ours, but twice as long," pointed out Rimmer.
     "How'd you know that?"
     "Oh, just reading up on Jupiter-class spaceships during some of my
studying."
     "But it sure looks big!"  Cat stared at it, wide-eyed.
     "But how could another Jupiter-class spaceship get out here?  It took us
almost three million years!" cried Lister.
     "Yes, but they have had three million years also," pointed out Kryten.
     "But how could that be the old Blue Giant?"
     "I don't know."  Rimmer paced around the room behind Charlie.  "But it does
look different than the pictures I've seen of it - somehow.  Like, what's that
large carousel-type thing in the middle?   And that weird star-shape thing near
the back?"
     "If you guys would shut up for a few seconds, maybe we won't get side-
swiped and we can find out!" cried Charlie.
     They shut up as the ship did another impossible turn, making an earthquake
inside the ship which would make the San Francisco Killer Earthquake of 2020 look
like a mild tremor.  This time Cat fell straight through Rimmer, who had fallen
himself.  Lister landed directly on top of Kryten.  Charlie, despite her trying
to hold onto the keyboard, as the quake lasted well into its fifth minute, fell
right through Kryten and Lister to land right beside Rimmer.  They all started
screaming.  "Get off of me!" yelled Rimmer.
     "Get off of me!" screamed Kryten.
     "Would you guys get up!  I have to get back and grab onto that other ship
or we'll be light-years away before we find out if they have any life on board
-but Holly says there's a good chance of more than one humanoid!  Get up!" 
Charlie moaned.
     Groaning like a man getting up the morning after he drank ten gallons of
Jack Daniels, Lister painfully got off of Kryten and went over to the other side
of the Drive Room.  Kryten stiffly found his way off the floor, finally allowing
Charlie some breathing room - she had bumped heads with Rimmer, which caused them
both more pain that they'd want to think about after being fallen through by a
total of three people.  Cat finally got off Rimmer and went over to the far side
of the Drive Room to check his hair.  Rimmer helped Carver get up.
     "Thanks a lot Arnie - what a mess!"
     "Well, get to it!"
     "Right."
     They walked over to the keyboard, which had fallen to the ground.  Rimmer
picked it up and handed it to Charlie, kissing her.
     "Get to it, Charlie - no time for smooching!" screamed Lister.
     "We are in the middle of our honeymoon!" sneered Rimmer.
     "So what!  We may be losing my one chance at a bride for meself!" cried
Lister.
     Charlie got back to the keyboard.  She turned the ship around again, this
time slightly less bumpily.  "Whew - we did it!" exalted Holly.
     The men looked to see the Blue Giant about a mile away from the Red Dwarf,
sidling it, with the whole length of the Red Dwarf covered by half the length of
the Blue Giant, with three miles of the Blue Giant sticking out on either end.
     "Time to get to work," said Holly.
     "Right," said Charlie.
     "What are you doing now?"  Rimmer sidled up close to Charlie.
     "Just trying to latch onto the thing with our slave arms."
     "What 'slave arms'?"
     "You've never used them," said Holly.  "They're those gigantic arms meant
to hold another Jupiter-class spaceship - only used in emergencies.  We can latch
onto the Blue Giant and that will allow them to speed up to our speed - we are
going about ten thousand miles per second faster than they are.  This is our only
chance to catch them."
     "What'll we do when we have them?" asked Kryten.
     "Tell you later, gotta work now!" Charlie frantically moved around the
room.
     As they watched, two large, red, mechanical arms, similar, on a gigantic
scale, to the skutter's claws, although much more claw-like and angular, came out
of the two ends of Red Dwarf - one from near the Scoop, one from near the
Thruster.  "My god, you weren't kidding!"  Rimmer stared in awe.
     "Why would I kid at a time like this?" asked Charlie, working the slave-
arms with the Master gloves that Holly had hologrammatized for her.  She moved
her arms out, while the arms on the ship moved closer to the gigantic hull of the
Blue Giant.  Then she clutched her fingers to grasp onto the actual hull, away
from the various buildings, towers, spheres, and other contraptions on the skin
of the ship.  Then she closed in her hands.  The ships were held together by the
umbilical cords of the ugly mechanical red arms.
     "Done!  Now we can celebrate!  We won't lose them now!"
     "You did it!"  Rimmer went over to hug Charlie.
     "Yes, I did!  Holly - champagne for two!  You other guys are gonna have to
find some yourself."
     On the console near them, two glasses and a decanter of champagne
materialized.  Rimmer picked it up and started pouring the glasses.
     They sipped champagne while Lister, Kryten, and Cat thirstily looked on. 
     "O.K.," sighed Lister, once the couple had finished their glasses of
champagne, "what d'we do now?"
     "Now," said Charlie as the wine glasses disappeared, going over to stand
by Lister, "we have to find a way to get onto that ship."
     "What's so difficult about that?" asked Rimmer.
     "O.K., big boy, how would you do it?" asked Carver in her best Marilyn
Monroe imitation voice.
     "I don't know - can't we just go between the ships - some kind of platform
like we did with that DNA thing?"
     "What DNA thing?"
     "The ship we latched onto a while ago."
     "But you forget," said Kryten, "that that ship was much, much smaller and
was latched onto the unused Thruster engine.  We went through there."
     "O.K.  Then what about Starbug?"
     "Of course that's what we'd do normally," lectured Carver.  "But, according
to Holly, there are no operable shuttle bays on that ship."
     "A ship twelve miles long and no operating shuttle bays - you've got to be
kidding!" cried Cat.
     "No, I'm not kidding.  Tell them Holly."
     "You see."  Holly came onto the screen where the white ship was, "their
ship doesn't have any working computer."
     "No computer!  How long have they been in space?" asked Rimmer.
     "They have been in Deep Space, according to my scan, for exactly two
million, nine hundred thousand and four years," reeled off Holly.
     "Is that why it looks like a half-baked marshmallow?" put in Cat.
     "Yes, they seem to have gone through the corona of a sun within the last
half-million years."
     "How could they have lasted in space for that long without a computer?"
     "I don't know.  I believe their navicomp has been operable."
     "Their navicomp works without their main computer?"
     "Yes.  I believe the technology on board is far advanced of our own," said
Kryten.
     "You mean to say," Lister tried to work it out, "that they are from a
civilization 100,000 years after our own?"
     "You got it!" smiled Holly.
     "My Godd!"  Rimmer mused.  "They may have solved my problem!  Our problem!"
     "What problem?" asked Charlie.
     "They could give me us bodies, you know," winked Rimmer.
     "Of course!  But we still haven't figured out how to reach them.  Have you
tried hailing them, Holly?" asked Charlie.
     "Yes.  No response.  However, the scan shows that there are two humanoids
and one mechanical presence on board."
     "Another human - maybe two - brutal!"  Lister did a touch-up shuffle.
     "Nevertheless - how do we get to them?  Any ideas, Holly?" asked Rimmer.
     "Yes - here's one.  You could do a very tricky maneuver with Starbug."
     "What kind of maneuver?" asked Rimmer.
     "You have to get into spacesuits - at least two of you. . ."
     "Lister and Kryten, obviously - go on."
     "And take your bazookoids.  Kryten will have to drive.  You must fly right
up to where the shuttle-bay doors are.  There - it may take a while - you must
laser into the doors.  Once a door is lasered open, get right back into  Starbug
and fly in."
     "I'm willing to try," Lister moved towards the door.
     "I'm up to it,"  Rimmer followed him.
     "I'd be happy to drive," Kryten led the rest out of the door.    




                                CHAPTER TWO
     The Starbug reached the gigantic bulk of the Blue Giant unharmed.  They
flew around the ship five times, trying to find the shuttle bay.
     "There it is!" Rimmer pointed, as they covered the middle of the bottom of
the ship for the sixth time.
     "I see it!"  Kryten fiddled with the controls.  "Going in."
     Starbug lurched, throwing everyone around the vehicle.  When they
stabilized, they were right next to the thin outline of the shuttle-bay doors.
     "Here goes nothing," smiled Lister, putting on his suit beside Cat, who was
doing the same.  They both threw their bazookoids over their shoulders and
readied to leave the ship.  "Now!" commanded Lister.
     The two humanoids floated out into space, with only a small vacuum-cleaner-
tube-like umbilical cord attaching them to the uneven hull of Starbug.  They
motioned that more rope be let out.  Soon they were on both sides of the gigantic
shuttle-bay doors.
     The bazookoids flared on, with no sound in the vacuum of space.  Lister
found it took almost a minute of bazookoid firing to cut a two-inch part of the
door free.  "This'll take forever!" he moaned into his microphone.
     "You're right buddy!" agreed Cat into his microphone, who had found that
the work was even slower on his end.  
     After two hours of straight, back-breaking work, barely a few feet of door
was free.  Lister and Cat returned to Starbug to recharge the bazookoids.
     "This'll never work!"  Lister took off his helmet.
     "I know," beamed Rimmer.  "We have an alternate plan."
     "That's right," said Holly.  "Starbug is carrying a large bomb, for just
this sort of situation.  All you have to do is to set the bomb into one of your
holes and detonate it after we're in safe range."
     "But what if the humanoids inside are in the shuttle bay?"
     "Then they'll be killed.  It's a chance we have to take," said Rimmer.
     "O.K., let's do it!"  Lister started searching for the bomb.
     This time Lister went out alone with a very heavy bomb rather than a
bazookoid.  He set the timer on the bomb for 15 minutes, then inserted it into
his largest hole.  It barely fit, but it fit.  Quickly, he returned to Starbug,
which instantly returned to the Red Dwarf cargo bay.  
     After waiting for five minutes, anxious in the cargo bay, the people felt
the Red Dwarf shake as if in an earthquake.  Once the earthquake was finished,
Lister shouted, "We did it!  Let's go!"
     Starbug flew out of the completely untouched shuttle bay doors of the Red
Dwarf, then flew right to where the Blue Giant shuttle bay was.  They found a
cavernous hole the size of ten Starbugs leading into a sealed shuttle bay easily
twelve miles long.  They landed on a pad beside a sleek silver shuttle.
     "Better keep your suits on - we're still in vacuum!" cautioned Kryten.
     Lister and Cat nodded.  They also took their recharged bazookoids.  The
four people headed down the bay toward the closest doors - a good five miles
away.  "This sure is a big ship," said Lister, irrelevantly.
     When they came to the doors, they found them open.  There they found a
waiting Xpress Lift.
     "Just like home," smirked Rimmer.
     "You're not kidding," said Lister.
     They all got onto the Xpress Lift, put their scanners on 'search' and
headed up.  During the ride, Lister and Cat took off their spacesuits, packed
them into little containers no larger than lunchboxes, then smoothed out their
clothing.  Rimmer ordered Holly to put him and Charlie in Captain's and First
Officer's uniforms.  Charlie looked at him strangely, but consented.  Only after
Charlie's agreement did Holly actually do it.  After about two hours on the lift,
the scanners started flashing.  "There is life here!" exalted Lister.  "Stop
now," he told the lift, as the scanners indicated that they were on the correct
floor.
     "Just be careful!" cautioned Kryten, as they filed off the lift.
     "Don't worry, we will," said Charlie.
     What they found was a very ultra-modern habitation corridor, very much like
the one they had just left.  The only real differences were that these were rooms
for more than two people, were obviously not military, and everything looked
scorched.  "Just like home," said Rimmer again.
     "Shut up!" yelled Lister.
     They searched each room.  They all looked perfectly empty.  Except for one,
halfway down the corridor.  This was a three-person room, with obviously slept-in
beds, a number of books, wallpaper on the walls, and the remains of a large meal
on the table in the middle of the room.  "Bach."  Rimmer read the name on the
door.  "Must be human - even German."
     "A-smegging-mazing!"  Lister read the titles on the books.  "Look at this,
Charlie - Holobodies and Holograms: The Intermediate Guide to Cybernetic
Immortality by Juliet Winger."  He opened to the title page.  "Copyright 102,182. 
You're right, Holly - these are people from our future."
     "I wonder what a holobody is?" asked Rimmer, eyes shining at the thought
of what that could mean.
     "We'll soon find out," said Charlie.  "They have to be around here
somewhere."
     "Who?" asked Cat.
     "The humanoids - whoever lives in this room."
     "Let's keep looking."
     They searched the whole corridor down, then found the door to the chamber
at the end of the hallway.  "It's opened," whispered Lister.
     "What ya waitin' for?" asked Cat.
     Lister opened the door and they all stepped in and stopped right there.
     What they all saw was a 12-year-old blonde female human, a strange adult
female with floppy ears, brown skin, and a tail, and a tall, golden female
android (obviously much more advanced than Kryten - she had curves, not angles),
all gazing in awe at the Red Dwarf out the large side-viewport.  They didn't even
hear them come in.  The people from the Red Dwarf spent a full five minutes just
staring at the female forms in front of them, then Rimmer said, "Sorry to drop
in on you like this. . ."
     The three women turned around to see who was speaking to them.  Poppins saw
a tall male Ancient Hologram, a shorter female Ancient Hologram, a very slobby,
punkish human-type person, male, an indescribable black man with fangs, and,
thank God, she thought, an Ancient Mechanoid.  "This must be the Red Dwarf crew,"
she thought.
     Illia saw the two Ancient Holograms, blinked twice to make sure she wasn't
seeing things, then fainted dead away.
     All Duchess could do once she turned around was stare at Cat.  Some ancient
instinct told her he was the enemy - no matter who the rest of the people were. 
She bared her teeth and growled.  Cat did the same.
     "What's wrong with those two?" asked Rimmer, looking up from where he was
helping Kryten bring Illia out of her shock.  
     "Looks like Cat's met a Dog," smiled Lister.
     At that, Cat and Duchess were at each other, claw and fang.  They wrestled
around with each other, causing innumerable cuts and bruises.  "They're gonna
kill each other!" yelled Charlie, desperately.  "What can we do?" she eyed the
golden android, hoping she might know 22nd-century English.
     "I shall get the sedative gun," said the android, dispassionately.
     "I'll help you!"  Kryten nodded to Lister to help him wake up Illia.
     The two androids went back to the Bach quarters to get the tranquilizer
gun.  The chaos continued until Kryten and Poppins returned and shot Cat and
Duchess with their tranquilizer guns.
     "Great - now we can talk."  Rimmer eyed Illia as she slowly picked herself
up.  "Look, Lister - Romeo's got his Juliet."
     "You mean me and her?" asked Lister.
     "Exactly."  Charlie winked.
     "You can't be serious."
     "You don't see any other human females around, now, do you?  Besides, you
know you'll do it with anyone."
     "But she can't be more than twelve years old."
     "Twelve years, two months, fifteen days," answered the girl.
     "And what is your name?" asked Rimmer as if speaking to a two-year-old.
     "Call me Juliet," she smiled.
     "But what is your name?"
     "My last name is Bach.  You can call me Juliet."
     "But I was just joking!" protested Rimmer.
     "I was serious," said Juliet. 
     "O.K.  You're name's Juliet.  What are your friends' names?" asked Lister.
     "The droid's Poppins.  The Ruff'll introduce herself, I'm sure, once she
wakes up.  Are we going to your ship, mateys?"
     "Of course we are - as soon as we can get there.  But how did you live on
this ship without a computer?"
     "Easy.  The systems were separate - not like your old bag.  However, the
computer went out 2,900,002 years ago, then was fixed about a month ago, then
went out again a day later.  That's how we knew you were coming."
     "But how did you end up here now?"
     "Poppins just stayed on the ship.  Duchy and I were in the stasis booths
until about two years ago."
     "Stasis booths?  You still have stasis booths?"  Lister's eyes nearly fell
out of his head.
     "Only for experimental purposes.  Can we get going?  I hate this ship."
     "I can imagine!" nodded Rimmer.
     "We'll get the stretchers - wait for us."  Kryten left again with Poppins.
     "Oh - the androids are going to get the stretchers from Starbug.  That'll
take a while.  Why don't we sit down and chat," suggested Lister.
     Lister and Juliet dragged Duchess and Cat back to the Bach cabin and put
them on the lower bunks.  Then Lister, Rimmer, Carver, and Juliet sat down at the
table.
     "Want something to eat?" asked Juliet.  "When she gets back, Poppins can
make dishes you can't believe!"
     "Then she'll have great fun on Red Dwarf," said Lister.
     "So it really is the Red Dwarf?  You really have been out in Deep Space for
3,000,000 years, like they said?  But the whole crew was supposed to be dead."
     "I was in stasis," said Lister.
     "Just like me and Duchy."
     "Who is Duchy?" asked Rimmer.
     "That's the Ruff. . ."
     "What's a Ruff?" asked Rimmer.
     "That's right - you're 100,000 years behind the times.  By the way, we
haven't been introduced yet."
     "Tell her the truth," warned Lister.
     "Oh, all right!  Holly - get us back in our regular uniforms!"
     Rimmer and Carver were once again in their red and purple uniforms.  "My
name is Arnold J. Rimmer, First Technician on the Red Dwarf."
     "First Technician!" said Juliet.  "I thought only ranking officers got to
be holograms!" 
     "It's a long story," sighed Rimmer.
     "I'm First Console Technician, actually Fourth Console Officer," she glared
at Rimmer in challenge, "Charlotte C. Carver Rimmer, also of Red Dwarf."
     "You're not by any chance the first wife of Sigmund Theismann, the
physicist/politician, are you?"
     "He was my first husband."  She smiled at Rimmer.
     Juliet gave Charlie the evil eye, then said, "O.K., who are you?"
     "I'm Third Technician David Lister, also of Red Dwarf," admitted Lister.
     "And who's your friend who attacked Duchy?"
     "He's Cat."
     "I knew it."
     "What d'ya mean, you knew it?"
     "I mean I knew he must be a Cat."
     "That's his name.  But he is an evolved cat."
     "And Duchy, that is, I'm sure she'll kill me for introducing her to the
Great Rimmer without her permission, is an evolved dog.  Specifically, Duchess
Alexandra Rimera, daughter of the former head of the Peacenik Ruffs."
     "What does that mean?" asked Rimmer.  "And who's this Great Rimmer?"
     "It means she is of a high-ranking Ruff family from Io."
     "Io?  I'm from Io." Rimmer's eyes twinkled.
     "Then you are the Great Rimmer."
     "How?  Why?  Who?"
     "The Great Rimmer.  The Ruffian deity."
     "Deity?" laughed Lister.
     "You'll see."  Juliet looked at Rimmer.  "Believe it or not, you are the
answer to all our prayers."




                               CHAPTER THREE
     Right then, Poppins and Kryten returned with the stretchers.  They put Cat
and Duchess in the portable spacesuits.   Lister handed one to Juliet, who
started to put it on as Lister put on his.  "Why the suits?" asked Juliet, when
she was in hers.
     "The shuttle bay doors had to be blown off.  Didn't you feel it?" asked
Lister.
     "No."
     "We have to go through vacuum to reach Starbug."
     "What's Starbug?"
     "Our shuttle."
     "How quaint."
     They silently went down the lift to the shuttle bay, opened the doors, then
walked the five miles to Starbug.  The men allowed the women to go in first, once
Cat and Duchess were safely on.
     Once in the vehicle, they took off Cat's and Duchess's suits, then Lister
and Juliet took off theirs and put them away.  Kryten took over piloting the
ship, while the rest guarded the sleeping forms of Cat and Duchess.  Poppins
stayed up to guard their every movement, but Carver, Rimmer, Lister, and Juliet
sat down on the chairs in the center and continued their conversation.
     "So this is Starbug?  I've read about such vehicles."
     "What was life like in the year 102,182?" asked Lister, looking like the
question was bursting to come out of him.
     "There is no life in 102,182!  On Mars or Io or anywhere else in the solar
system!"  Juliet burst into tears.
     "What d'ya mean - no life?" asked Lister, indicating she could cry on his
shoulders.
     She threw her head on his shoulder and burst into tears again.  "I mean.
. .no life. . .this was the last chance for humanity. . .the Blue Giant, I mean.
. .the lifeboat," she burst into tears again.
     "Holly, do you know what she's talking about?" asked Rimmer.
     "I can guess.  I think she means that the human race was wiped out and this
ship was a last-ditch effort to save it."
     "Who is that?" asked Juliet, through her tears.
     "That's Holly."  Rimmer pointed at Holly's face on the screen.  "Look on
that screen there."
     "Holly's your computer?" asked Juliet.
     "Exactly," said Lister.  
     "You have a working computer - named Holly for Holly McFriesen, the
inventor of the Jupiter-class megacomputer?"
     "What's she talking about?" asked Rimmer.
     "She's right.  My name's Holly for Holly McFriesen, my creator."
     "Brutal!" cried Lister.  "How'd you know that?"
     "This little book here."  Juliet took The Ultimate Computer Book by Holly
McFriesen, copyright 102,182, out of her backpack.
     "Holly's inventor was alive when you left?" asked Lister.
     "Yeah, she was a hollie."
     "What d'ya mean, she was a Holly?  Her name was Holly."  Lister stared at
her, totally confused.
     "But she was a hollie.  Don't you know what a hollie is?"  She thought for
a second.  "No, of course not.  Hollie's weren't invented when you left.  Hollie
is short for holobody. . ."
     "So what's a holobody?" asked Rimmer, literally on the edge of his seat.
     "A hologram in a body - a hologram with a manufactured body.  And Free
Holobodies had on-body computer.   They can taste, touch, smell, etc. just like
a human being," said Juliet, matter-of-factly.
     "My dream come true!"  Rimmer got up to stand over Juliet.  "So how do
these things work?"
     "I'm trying to find out."
     "You mean you don't know?"
     "Of course not.  I just started school a year ago.  Besides, why would you
wanna not be a hologram?"
     "Are you serious?"  Charlie came over beside Rimmer.
     "Yeah.  I always wanted to be a hologram - ask Duchy when she wakes up."
     "You're mental!" sneered Lister.
     "No - I thought it'd be fun," smiled Juliet.
     "Wanna take her up on it?" asked Lister to the Rimmers.
     "How can we?" asked Arnie.  "You forcibly erased the bodyswap process out
of Kryten's memory and we ejected the soulswap machine years ago."
     "We can find a way to do it again," exalted Charlie.
     "You really mean you can do it?" Juliet's eyes lit up.
     "Try us.  But for now, tell me more about these hollies.  Are there any on
the ship?" asked Arnie.
     "We did have some, but they all died."
     "Died?  How?"
     "They were blown apart and their computers ruined in the blowing up of the
three engines. . ."
     "Three engines!"
     ". . .and the Third Disease got the last one - a Jean Wood, science
officer."
     "Third Disease?  How many diseases did you have?" asked Charlie.
     "Five.  Don't worry - I'm not carrying any.  I was in the stasis booth
before the diseases got out."
     "Thank God!" cried Lister.
     "But you haven't answered my question," interrupted Rimmer.  "What happened
to the 'hollies'?"
     "Well, like I said, they were all killed long ago."
     "But what about these manufactured bodies?"
     "We had some - three cargo decks full."
     "Well, that's it!  We'll just have to go back and get them!"
     "I said we had some - we don't have any now!"
     "What happened?"
     "Those decks were close to the Tesseract engine - when it blew up, it
disintegrated them.  The ones that were left Poppins threw out as being
unusable."
     "So there's not even one holobody body left?" asked Rimmer, stunned and
absolutely frustrated.
     "That's right."  Juliet smiled.  "But don't worry.  I'm on your side.  Let
me try being a hologram for a while and I'll try to figure out the process so you
can become hollies."
     "All right!"  Charlie did a home-run dance.
     "Why are you so happy?" said Juliet, staring at Charlie as if she was some
evil-smelling garbage.
     "You've given me a chance for a body again," Charlie smiled.
     "Why d'ya think I'd give you one?" sneered Juliet.
     "I am a hologram," pointed out Charlie irrelevantly.  "Female besides."
     "Yes.  But what hologram!"
     "What d'ya have against me?"
     "Yes, what do you have against my wife?" asked Rimmer, really angry at this
annoying turn of events.
     "She's your wife?"  Juliet was startled out of her cool facade.
     "Of course."  She showed her his ring and Charlie showed hers.
     "But what about Sigmund Theismann?"
     "Don't say that name around here unless you mean to start a fight."  Rimmer
gave her a mock karate chop.
     "That's right!"  Lister held up his fist.
     "But he was your first husband!" cried Juliet, wide-eyed.
     "Of course he was.  But what's so important about that?  I'm married to
Arnie now and refuse to talk about past mistakes - especially wrong marriages
three million years ago."
     "You don't think it's important that you left your great Physicist husband
for a First Technician?" Juliet winked at Rimmer.
     "No, I don't.  Siggy may have been a great scientist, but he treated me
like smeg."
     "I'm very glad to hear that."  Juliet looked at Charlie as a person for the
first time since they met.
     "Why?" asked Arnie and Charlie simultaneously, then, surprisingly, said
"jinx!" right afterward, smiling at each other.
     "Well, if you'd give me a word in edgewise, your first husband, Charlie -
may I call you Charlie?"
     "Everyone else does.  Of course you can."
     "Well, Charlie, your first husband wrote a book soon after your death which
led to the war that obliterated the human race!"
     "How?  You mean my Siggy wrote a political treatise?"
     "Exactly.  It was called New Kampf."
     "You mean like Hitler's Mein Kampf?" mused Arnie.
     "Right.  Come here, Poppy," the robot left the sleeping forms of Cat and
Duchess and came over to the chairs to join into the discussion.  Juliet asked,
"Poppy - didn't Sigmund Theismann write the New Kampf and didn't that book
trigger the 100,000-years War?"
     "Why are you asking me?  Of course he did.  You and Mistress Rimera learned
that in elementary history, back eight months, nine days, six hours ago" lectured
Poppins.
     "You're not joking?" asked Charlie.
     "No, unfortunately, I'm not."  Juliet stood up to be level with Charlie and
Rimmer.  Lister followed her up and they formed a circle to talk.
     "So my first husband destroyed the world - 100,000 years later,"  Charlie
shook her head and shivered at the thought, then met Rimmer's pitying eyes with
a smile.  'I'm sure glad I married the First Technician now,' she thought.
     "But how could a war last 100,000 years?" asked Arnold.
     "It started out very cold.  Except in the very beginning, when they had to
evacuate Io."
     "Evacuate Io?  What happened?  A bomb threat?" asked Arnold, very
interested all of the sudden.
     "Yeah, but it was top-secret.  Instead, all of the military astros and
their families were called out from Io to return to Mars to join in the space
war.  Only the very top brass knew about the bomb threat.  But I'll let Duchy
tell the rest - it's really her story."
     "But how can you know that there are no more humans in the solar system?"
asked Lister.
     "Easy.  Io, Mimas, Miranda, Triton, Venus, even the Moon - all of it was
evacuated long before I was born.  Space travel was banned, but a secret band of
pilots, computer people, and astronavigators kept it going, thank God.  We got
this ship - the Blue Giant - out of a museum."
     "A museum - a ship that big!  I thought Jupiter Class ships were never
supposed to land?" pointed out Arnie.
     "That's right.  But, according to history, in the year 3500, the Blue
Giant, along with every other ship in the known universe, except for a few odd
probes and shuttles, was grounded.  The Blue Giant was splashed down in the
NeoAtlantic Ocean on Mars - took the water level down three inches.  Thank God
they didn't know about your ship - there wouldn't have been any ocean left!  It
took three years to get the Blue Giant out of the ocean and into the museum of
Space History in New London."
     "You mean your ship was in a museum in New London?  You're joshing me,"
said Lister.
     "No, I'm not.  Tell 'em Poppy."
     "She is absolutely correct.  The ship was in the museum and her mother took
over the museum when it was evacuated - when all New Europe went into Def Com
Three a month before we left," lectured Poppins.
     "Come again?  What's New Europe?"
     "You're gonna hafta give these guys a history lesson, Poppy," smiled
Juliet.  Then she sighed and said, "New Europe is the supercountry on Mars that
included all that used to be Eastern and Western Europe, the United States,
Canada, Mexico, South America, Australia, New Zealand, and India became as a way
to unite against the ultra-threat of the Cryptofascists of what used to be Earth
Asia - right before they renamed themselves the NeoSinoRussian Confederacy of
New-Neo-Nazis, later shortened to simply the New-Neo-Nazis."
     "Brutal!"
     "You're actually telling me that my first husband wrote a book that was
treated like the Communist Manifesto by the people of China, Japan, Manchuria,
and Russia - and these people started some kinda war that exterminated the human
race?" Charlie asked, scared out of her wits at the man she had married three
million years ago.
     "Not just the human race.  Looks like me and Dave are all that's left of
that.  But also the Ruffs - Duchy's the last one of those.  Also, of course, the
Holobodies.  Besides all the plants and animals."
     "How did your ship make it?" asked Arnie.
     "We made it just in time - which is how I ended up the last one."
     "You mean you left as the bombs started?"
     "Yeah.  Saw the whole thing from the viewports."
     "What whole thing?"
     "The turning of Planet Mars, the last inhabited planet in the solar system,
into a small, shiny cinder in the center of the galaxy," she burst into tears
again.
     "What d'ya mean - a small, shiny cinder?" asked Lister.
     "I mean just that.  Y'know how Mars looked from above - white and blue,
land visible.  Well, I saw the land turn shiny black and the seas dry up like
that," she snapped her fingers and started crying again.  Through her tears she
said, "that's all we saw before the fog started.  Then we had to stop ourselves
from getting into the moon's gravitational pull, so we tessered and I never saw
Mars again."
     "Tell me it isn't true!  Tell me that was just a nightmare you had in
stasis!" yelled Lister.
     "No, it's true," cried Juliet.  Poppins nodded agreement.
     "But what about Io?   What about Mimas?  What about that colony they were
starting on Triton?  What about all these crazy man-made things we're running
into in Deep Space?" yelled Lister, pacing around the cabin.
     "Well, the whole solar system was evacuated - Io was last, when the last
of the Ruffs returned to Mars for the Earth Day demonstration."
     "When was that?"
     "A month before we left."
     "Oh, no!"
     "Now don't get worked up, Listy - at least you have a girl now," smiled
Arnie.
     "Oh, smeg off!  I lost my whole solar system!"
     "And I lost mine."
     "Yeah, but you're already dead."
     "Now, c'mon guys.  Don't make a big deal about this.  After all, we had
hypothesized something similar," Charlie pointed out.
     "Sure.  But now it's real - and I'm stuck with a Juliet!"
     "What's wrong with me?" asked Juliet.  "And Juliet's a wonderful name. 
After all, a Juliet invented the holobody."
     "She did?"
     "Yeah.  The one who wrote the book.  She was on our ship, ya know.  Was
lost when the Tesseract engine blew.  Same as Duke."
     "Duke?"  Lister stared at Rimmer.  "Who's Duke?"
     "Duchess's father."
     "Of course," smiled Lister.
     At that moment, Starbug landed on Red Dwarf.  They wheeled the stretchers
out.  "Where are we?" asked Juliet.
     "We're on the Red Dwarf."
     "Oh."
     "Right.  Home sweet home," smiled Arnie.
     They wheeled the stretchers to the medical lab with Poppins and Juliet
following behind, whispering among themselves.
     "What d'ya think of 'em?" asked Juliet.
     "I do not know," said Poppins.  "I do not have enough data yet, however,
that mechanoid male is fairly handsome for a series 4000."
     "What d'ya mean?"
     "I mean I could like him.  And I think he likes me."
     "What about the rest?"
     "That human male is rather unusual, would you not say?"
     "Yeah, he's unusual.  But we can get along, as long as he's not as sloppy
as Duchy."
     "But, ma'am, I have a feeling that he is worse."
     "No way!  A human worse than a Ruff?  You've gotta be kidding.  Besides,
he's ten years older than me.  But that's not who I was referring to.  What about
the two holograms?"
     "Your dream come true."
     "I guess so.  But why did one of them have to be Theismann's mate?  And why
does she have to be currently married to the Great Rimmer?"
     "I do not know."
     "I wonder what Duchy'll think of him?"
     "I believe we shall soon find out."
     Once Cat and Duchess were safely bedded down in two separate medical
chambers, with Kryten and Poppins, respectively, to look after them, Arnie said,
"how'd you like a tour of the ship?"
     "She doesn't need a tour of the ship," sighed David.
     "Why not?" asked Charlie.
     "I'd love to tour the ship - if it doesn't take too long." smiled Juliet.
     "We'll just cover the major points of interest," suggested Charlie.
     "Like what?" asked Juliet.
     "I don't know," put in Rimmer.  "Let's say we show her just the. . ."
     "Science lab, scanning room, research lab, hologram library, technical
library, recreation room, mall, and, finally, our quarters."
     "Speaking of quarters, I have an idea.  What if me and Duchy room with you
guys?" Juliet asked the Rimmers.
     "Not quite yet," smiled Rimmer.  "You see, we just got married."
     "How long ago?"
     "Exactly two months, six days, ten hours, and fifty-two minutes," reeled
off Rimmer.
     "You're too much!" laughed Charlie.
     "No, too little," laughed Rimmer back.
     "I see.  I'm sorry for suggesting it."
     "No, that's all right.  Give us a year or so and I'll find a way to have
slumber parties with you and Duchess at least once a month."
     "That's a deal!"
     "But they can't take our cabin!"
     "What cabin?"
     "The one next to Lister's."
     "Which side?  They're both the same."
     "Yeah, but my books and everything else was moved to the one on the right
side."
     "Really?  When?"
     "Well, I think he did it right after the wedding."
     "How'd he know what to take?"
     "Well, I'd done it before. . ."
     "Yeah.  Back when he moved in with himself - literally."
     "This I've gotta hear!" cried Juliet and Charlie simultaneously, then burst
out laughing.
     "I'll tell you later.  For now, on with the tour."
     "Just don't bring back a slide show," said Lister.
     "You are coming with us?"
     "Of course.  Have to tell the girl the human point of view - no offense
intended, Charlie."
     "None taken."
     They had a very lengthy tour of Red Dwarf.  Lister and Rimmer thought
Juliet "oohed" and "aahed" in the wrong places.  She seemed utterly fascinated
by Holly - not because of her knowledge, but simply because she was a working
computer.  For a person from the future, she sure acted primitive.  She had to
try out every vending machine until Lister started pushing her away from them,
gently.  She loved their stories of what had happened at different times in the
science lab, the medical lab, the research lab, and the scanning room.  But she
refused to side with Lister and Charlie on the idea that there really weren't any
aliens in the whole of Deep Space.  She took Rimmer's view that they were out
there, they just hadn't met them yet.  But when the tour was over, her only
question was, "why don't you have any Park Rooms?  And why, if you had hundreds
of stasis booths, did Arnold not stay alive?"
     "It's another long story."  Rimmer swallowed hard.  "Let's go see how Cat
and Duchess are doing, shall we?"
     "But I wanna see your quarters," insisted Juliet.
     They showed her the Officer's Quarters room.  "Love them fish," she said
to Lister as they left.
     The room next door was much more tastefully furnished, with a new Queen-
size bed in place of the bunks.  "So this is where you sleep with Cat?" kidded
Juliet.
     "No.  That was the other room."
     "That smelly pigsty?  Cat must be a very slobby person."
     "Cat's not the slob," warned Rimmer.
     "Then who is?"
     Rimmer looked at Lister, who gave a look of protest.  Juliet studied their
reaction, then said, "Oh, no!  The last man in the world and he's a world-class
slob!"
     "No way!  I'm not a slob!" protested Lister.
     "I thought we were telling the truth here," pointed out Rimmer.
     "Come on!  This is the last girl in the universe, probably.  Don't blow it
for me now!" Lister looked at Juliet, wondering whether he would ever be able to
love her.
     "We're not blowing it for you.  She'll have to learn the facts sooner or
later," said Rimmer.
     "Shut up!" yelled Lister, going on ahead.
     They then went to the room on the left-hand side of Lister's quarters. 
"This will be your room, then," suggested Rimmer.
     "Great!  Can I do with it what I want?" asked Juliet.
     "Anything you want."  Charlie smiled.  "But I'd ask Duchess what she thinks
before you do anything drastic."
     "No big deal.  We've lived together for two years now.  I know her tastes
as well as mine.  Hi, Holly!" she cheerfully greeted the face on the screen.
     "You act like you like me being here," said Holly.
     "I do.  I do.  I just wish you could've met Warren.  You don't know how
much!"
     "Who's Warren?" asked Dave.
     "The computer on the Blue Giant."
     "I thought you didn't have a computer on that ship?"
     "We did - in the beginning.  But the M-waves wiped him out, just like the
hollies.  He imploded.  But you and he would've got along great."
     "What did he look like?" asked Rimmer.
     "Oh, he had blue eyes, dark hair, a cute face - you know, your ideal
masculine hunk of 21.  But I only saw him for about a day total."
     "Is that why you're so impressed by Holly?" asked Dave.
     "Of course.  Have you ever tried to get along for two years out in Deep
Space without a computer?"
     "No.  It must be terrible!"
     "Let's see how Cat and Duchess are doing," suggested Rimmer, not liking
where the subject was going.
     They saw Cat first.  He was finally waking up after six hours.  "Why'd you
do that, man?" he asked when his eyes focused clearly enough to see Kryten.  "I
mean, chloroform's bad enough, but a tranquilizer gun!  I'm not an animal you
know!"
     "Why did you attack Duchess?" asked Juliet.
     "Who's Duchess?"
     "My Ruff friend."
     "What's a Ruff?" asked Cat.
     "A Ruff, my friend, is an evolved dog," said Rimmer, matter-of-factly.
     "I'm not your friend.  And if that was an evolved dog, I rest my case.  You
know I hate dogs."
     "I know.  But she's evolved.  Can't you see - she's as human as you are,"
insisted Lister.
     "More so," put in Juliet.
     "What d'you mean - more so?" asked Cat.
     "I mean she's more civilized than you," sneered Juliet.
     "How d'you know that?  Does she have more suits than me?  Does she take
more showers than me?  Don't tell me she's more civilized!  Wait a second, am I
saying 'she'?"
     "Of course."
     "This dog-thing is female?"
     "Totally," smiled Juliet.
     "I may have to rethink that.  But she's a dog!  It'd never work out!"
     "It has to work out.  They are moving onto our ship - right next door to
you, in fact," said Kryten.
     "Oh, no!  Next door!  I'll have to move out!  By the way - who is she?"
     "She's Juliet Bach - a human female who will be bunking with the Ruff.  Now
you just stay here and think about it.  Let's go see Duchess," suggested Rimmer.
     They went across the hall and down a few doors to the medical cubicle where
Duchess slept.  Kryten went with them since Cat was obviously all right.
     They came in the door and Duchess just woke up.  "Why'd ya tranquilize me?"
she asked Poppins, the first she got into focus.  "And who are these people?"
     "I shall let them introduce themselves," then she whispered in Rimmer's ear
- "you'd better go last.  She may faint when she finds out who you are."
     "What if I just call myself Rimmer?" 
     "That could be worse.  Your family, with the exception of you, has been
blamed for mistreating the dogs that became the Ruffs.  If you only give your
last name, she may get angry."
     "Oh, all right."
     "My name's Lister - David Lister, nice to meet you," said Lister.
     "Nice to meet you," said Duchess as they shook hands.  "All of you, my name
is Duchess Alexandra Rimera, daughter of the great Duke Rimera of Snowstorm City,
Io.  You can call me Duchy.  So who are you, android?"
     "My name is Kryten."
     "Nice to meet ya, Kryten.  Glad to see Poppy'll have some company."
     "And my name is Charlotte C. Carver - you can call me Charlie."
     "You're not the one that was married to Sigmund Theismann are you?"
     Charlie rolled her eyes. "Yes, but that was a mistake."
     "I'd say.  But come over here, you other hologram.  Is that your current
husband?"
     "Yes.  I'd like you to meet First Technician Arnold J. Rimmer."
     "At your service, Duchess," Rimmer gave a slight bow.
     "No, at yours!"  Duchess went physically off her bed and starting to do
repeated obeisance - like a Muslim - to Rimmer.
     "Stop that!" cried Rimmer.
     "Yes, please stop it!" insisted Charlie.
     "Why should she stop it?" asked Juliet.
     "I'm not a god or a lord!" yelled Rimmer.
     "You're barely human," chided Lister.
     "But you are her deity."  Poppins smiled.
     "Well I want to stop being her deity!" screamed Rimmer.
     "Let's go!  Leave it to him!  She'll get her over it - quick enough!"
Lister laughed so hard he almost fell down right there.
     The rest left the room.  Rimmer started yelling at Duchess, "Stop it!  Stop
it!  Stop it!  I'm not a god - I'm not even alive."  He pointed to the "H".  "See
this!" Duchess stopped bowing long enough to see him pointing to his forehead.
     "Yeah, I see it."
     "Do you know what it means?"
     "Yeah, you're a hologram."  She continued to bow to him.
     "Just stop it!"
     "Why?"
     "Why not?  We're going to have to live together for who knows how long -
and we just can't do anything if every time I turn around you're bowing to me!"
     "So?  You did save my people!"
     "Save your people?  When did I save your people?"
     "You don't know?"
     "No."
     Duchess finally stopped genuflecting and sat down on the bed.  Hesitantly,
she patted the bed, indicating for Rimmer to sit down beside her.  "Now we're
getting somewhere," he said.
     "Tell me.  Is your name really Arnold J. Rimmer - that is to say, Arnold
Judas Rimmer?"
     "Of course it is."
     "Where were you born?"
     "In Clarke City - on Io.  Why?"
     "I was also born on Io."
     "So we have the same homemoon - so what?"
     "Did you have any brothers or sisters?"
     "Yeah.  Three brothers . . ."
     "Of course.  The three Ruff-killers - John, the great Captain, Frank, the
even greater Captain, and Howard, the test-pilot."  Irony seeped through every
word.
     "You mean you don't think them great?  I always wanted to be like them."
     "I know.  They treated you like dirt your whole childhood."
     "How do you know that?"
     "It's in the sacred books."
     "What sacred books?"
     "The sacred books of Ruffdom.  In the temple to the Great Rimmer in
Snowstorm City on Io."
     "Snowstorm City?  Io never had snowstorms!  Lots of volcanoes, but no
snowstorms.  And there was no city of that name."
     "When you lived on Io, did you keep any dogs?"
     "Well, yes.  Christmas, thirteen years old, I don't know why, my parents
decided to get all us boys dogs.  But soon after all my brothers left to join the
Space Corps or go back to Earth, so I ended up with all four.  The only beings
who ever really liked me, I guess."
     "What were the names of those dogs?"
     "Oh, I don't know.  John and Frank got Samoyeds.  John's was a male named
-wait a second - the dog's name was Snowstorm!"
     "Now you're catchin' on.  What were the other dogs' names?"
     "Well, Frank's was a female Samoyed named Snowflake.  Howard's was a male
Cocker Spaniel named - I know, Duke!  And mine was a female Cocker Spaniel named
Duchess!  Strange that your name didn't ring a bell.  I get it now.  But what
happened?"
     "Well.  What do you remember last about the dogs?"
     "Well, I always fed them and walked them.  They were your ancestors,
weren't they?"
     "Yeah.  Go on."
     "My father called me a wimp for caring so much about them.  So did Mum,
even though she gave them to us.  They were all just under six months old when
we got 'em.  But they were almost three years old when I had to leave them to
join the Space Corps.  The last time I saw them was about a year before the
accident - I mean, three million and five years ago - and my parents were going
crazy because they forgot to spay and neuter them, so when I left on Red Dwarf
they started having pups.  Last I saw, Duke and Duchess had a fine litter of five
and Snowflake and Snowstorm had an amazingly strong litter of seven.  My parents
had left them out to forage on their own, but I brought them home to feed and
take care of them again.  Then I had to return to Red Dwarf - that was about a
month before I first met Lister on Mimas."
     "See?  You were the savior of our race."
     "You still didn't tell me how it happened."
     "All right."  Her voice changed tone as she recited the legend she had
learned on her mother's knee, "About ten years after your ship left Io, the
original Ancestors were still alive and had many children.  And their children
had children.  But the Great Rimmer was no longer around, so they had to forage
in the woods and on the mercy of other people - who were thankfully plentiful on
Io at that time.  Then all Io was evacuated - that is, the humans left.  Your
mother, so-called. . ."
     "Don't insult my mother!  She was a fine woman!"
     "I really don't know about that.  According to legend, she was the only one
of your family still on Io when the evacuation order came.  She left so quickly
she forgot us.  The whole pack of us.  The rest of the humans did also.  Luckily,
they all left so fast they left food and oxygen for us."
     "You mean - you're really telling me - that the descendants of my old dogs
Duchess, Duke, Snowflake, and Snowstorm were left alone on Io and evolved there
-in less than 100,000 years - into people like you!  I really don't believe it!"
     "Why not?  You have an evolved cat here, do you not?"
     "Of course we do.  But it took him three million years to evolve!"
     "That proves it.  It's a well-known fact that dogs are smarter than cats,
even in their unevolved mode."
     "I don't know about that!  So - are you ready to go join the group?"
     "Sure."
     "Just promise not to do that again."
     "Do what again?"
     "You know - that Muslim obeisance crap!"
     "Of course not.  I know you're human and that's more pleasing than all that
deity stuff."
     "You know - you really are smarter than Cat - but don't tell him I told
you."
     "I won't."




                               CHAPTER FOUR

     Duchess and Rimmer caught up with the rest of the group, including Cat,
back at Lister's room.  "Are you hungry?" asked Duchess, coming in the door.
     "I sure am!" said Lister.
     "I could use a little something," put in Juliet.
     Kryten opened his mouth to describe the feast he was about to make when
Poppins interrupted, "then I shall go find your kitchen and stores and make all
of you the greatest meal in the universe.  It must be wonderful having real food
preparation and storage on board!"
     "May I help you?" asked Kryten, once he had taken in what she said.  "I
know my way around a kitchen."
     "Of course you can, cutie!" smiled Poppins.
     "Cutie!  She called you cutie!" winked Rimmer.
     "Well, go to it, man.  We're waiting with baited breath!" screamed Lister.
     As Poppins and Kryten left, Kryten said, "the kitchen is just down the
corridor. . ."
     Holly came on the screen as they left.  "Stop them!" she cried.
     "Why?" asked Lister.
     "I have to talk to Poppins about stores."
     "What about stores?" asked Rimmer.
     "Well, we're running out again.  I thought the droid could tell me if they
had any on board the other ship."
     "I can tell you that," sneered Juliet.  "Of course we have stores.  True,
about fifty decks of them were ruined - but the rest is O.K.  The last Poppy told
me, we had food for 50,000 people for 10,000 years. . ."
     "Yes!  Any poppadoms, vindaloos, or shami kebabs?"
     "Tons!"
     "Brutal!"
     "We also have water for the same amount of people for the same amount of
time - and irradiated cow's milk, not to mention books, movies, electronics gear
- well, not much of that - I used it all trying to fix Warren.  Also clothes,
wallpaper, furniture - everything anyone could need!  We may even be able to
convert one of your empty rooms into a Park Room."
     "Wowza!" said Duchess.
     "What's a Park Room?" asked Rimmer.
     "It's like it says - a Park - grass, trees, you know.  The most important
room in a Ruff's house," lectured Duchess.  Then she noticed Cat sitting in the
shadows on his bunk.  They started snarling at each other again.
     "Stop it!  Stop it!" yelled Rimmer.  "How can you call yourself civilized
if you keep snapping at each other like a couple of pets on leashes?"
     "But she's a dog!" screamed Cat.
     "And he's a cat!" protested Duchess.
     "Yes - but you're both humanoids - calm down, guys!" yelled Lister.
     "I can't take it any more.  Let me at her!"  Cat jumped off the bunk and
tried to pounce on Duchess.  Lister tried to stop him, but ended up on the floor. 
Juliet tried to stop Duchess, but she also wound up on the floor.  "I'll stop
this!"  Rimmer walked right into the middle of the fight.  They kept clawing each
other through him.  "Stop it!  Stop it!" he yelled right in their ears - they
still didn't stop.  "I'll help!"  Charlie joined Rimmer in the middle.
     "Get out of there you two!" yelled Lister.  "I'll take care of this."
     Charlie and Rimmer walked out of it and Lister walked in.  He forcefully
separated the two.  Finally, they were apart, but all three were panting as if
they had just run a 20-mile race.
     "Now just be friends!" yelled Lister, between breaths.
     "How can we be friends?" asked Cat.  "It's in our genes to hate each
other's guts."
     "Yeah!"  Duchess gave Cat a look that could kill.
     "So break out of it!" cried Lister.
     "How?" asked Cat.
     "Easy," sighed Lister, panting.  "Just get to know each other.  Cat's a
nice-enough humanoid, if you don't mind his self-centeredness and vanity.  And
Duchess is as fine a humanoid as I've ever met."
     "Yeah, but she's still a dog!"
     "And he's still a cat!"
     "But you'll have to live with each other."
     "No way!  I'm going to move onto the Blue Giant!" cried Cat.
     "Really?" asked Rimmer.  "You wanna live without a computer for the rest
of your life?"
     "Well, no.  Why doesn't the dog move back then?"
     "'Cause I don't want to live there either!"
     "Is it true, then?  You'll be bunking down right next door?"
     "I guess so.  Who told you that?"
     "I did," said Juliet.
     "Then of course I am."
     "Oh, no!"
     "Now, you're both staying," ordered Lister.  "Just promise me one thing -
no more cat-and-dog fights in the middle of the living quarters!"
     "I guess we can stop the violence," sighed Cat, sitting back down on the
bunk and combing his hair.
     "I agree to that," nodded Duchess, going over to stand by where Juliet was
sitting.
     "Good.  That's settled.  Now, Holly, what were you saying about the
stores?"  Rimmer turned to face Holly.
     "I was saying that we should get all the stores we can out of the Blue
Giant."
     "Great.  We can start tomorrow," said Charlie.
     "But how're we gonna get the stores out?  The shuttle bay's in vacuum and
I'm not hauling any sorta cargo in a spacesuit!"  Lister moaned.
     "You don't have to, Dave." smiled Holly.
     "Right.  We'll put Krytie and Poppy to it once they get back," smirked
Rimmer, full of confidence.
     "Two droids won't be enough," suggested Holly.
     "Why not?  What's the hurry?" asked Rimmer.
     "That ship's screwing up our navigation,"  Holly frowned.
     "Enough for an emergency?" asked Charlie.
     "Not yet.  But if we don't get everything out of it in the next month or
so, both ships may crash!"
     "Right," said Rimmer.  "But if Listy and Juliet can't do it - and obviously
Cat and Duchess can't, how can we get it out quick enough?"
     "What about the skutters?" asked Charlie.
     "Right," agreed Holly.  "That was going to be my suggestion.  But Kryten
and Poppins can't do much with the skutters, you know."
     "I know what you're saying," said Rimmer.  "You want my new wife and I to
go over there and oversee the skutters - right in the middle of our honeymoon! 
Never get any peace around here!"
     "It'll still be just you and me," suggested Charlie.
     "Yeah - and eight skutters and two droids!"
     "We can ignore them.  They can't touch us!"
     "How true!"
     "Then it's settled - you two go with Kryten, Poppins and the rest of the
skutters and get everything you can from the Blue Giant," smiled Lister.
     "Can I go?" asked Juliet.
     "You?"  Charlie turned to face her.  "You'd have to wear a spacesuit!"
     "I don't care.  I could show them around my ship."
     "Poppins can do that," Holly pointed out.
     "Oh, all right.  So I'm stuck here with Dave and the animals," sighed
Juliet.
     "Don't worry.  It won't be long," winked Charlie.
     "And we don't have to start until tomorrow morning - right, Holly?" asked
Rimmer.
     "Right.  Here they come!"
     Poppins and Kryten entered the room carrying two carts full of dishes. 
"That smells delicious!" sniffed Cat.
     "Just wonderful!" sighed Juliet.
     "You made the shami kebabs diabolo!  And the hot poppadoms!  Wonderful!"
said Lister, opening the dishes one by one.
     "That was my suggestion," said Kryten.
     "Let's eat," said Duchess.  "D'ya have any beer?"
     "Beer!" Lister went over to the refrigerator and came back with two six-
packs of his best and most potent lager.
     "One for you, one for me," he said.
     "Now there's a man I like!" said Duchess.
     "You?  Drink beer?" asked Rimmer.  "I never gave your ancestors beer!"
     "I know.  We picked it up from the other families.  Now it's one of the
mainstays of the Ruff diet."
     "Here's your own special delicacy," said Poppins, bringing a large plate
of very red meat to where Duchess was pulling up a chair.
     "What is that?" asked Lister, looking at the vast mound of red meat.  "Is
that beef borginion?"
     "No, beef a la Ruff."
     "Can I taste it?" asked Lister.
     "Sure."  Duchess put a spoonful of it on his plate.
     "I would not do that if I were you," said Poppins.
     "You're not me."  Lister tasted it.  "This is raw beef!  Why didn't you
tell me?"
     "I tried," said Poppins.
     While the rest of the people gulped down the various delicacies, on a
separate hologrammatic table on the other side of the room, but still in
listening distance, Rimmer and Charlie shared a semi-romantic dinner-for-two. 
"You're just trying to make up for this mess," said Rimmer to Holly, who stared
down at them as they enjoyed it.
     "Well, I do what I can," smiled Holly.
     "It's a wonderful friendly gesture.  To Holly - L'Chaim!" toasted Charlie,
hitting glasses with Rimmer, then gulping down the hologrammatic red wine.
     "What does L'Chaim mean?" asked Rimmer, after he had downed his glass.
     "Didn't you ever see 'Fiddler on the Roof'?  It means 'To Life!'"
     "Holograms toasting 'To Life' - isn't that a little absurd?"
     "Yeah, but life's full of absurdities, as you well know."  Charlie looked
over at the carnal table and pointed to where Cat and Duchess, both very tipsy
already, were staring at each other and laughing so hard they almost banged knees
under the table.  "See them?  I knew they'd get along all right!"
     "Sure - when they're drunk.  I'm glad we won't be here tomorrow morning -
Lister and Juliet may have more on their hands than they can handle."  He smiled.
     "What are you smiling at?"
     "Just thinking about Duchess."
     "Did you find out why these Ruffs think of you as a deity?"
     "Yeah.  You'd never believe it.  I took care of our family's dogs for a
couple of years before I joined up - then Mum deserted them when Io was
evacuated.  Now they look at me like a god since I was the only human who ever
really took care of them.  The only time, before I met you, that I ever cared for
anything besides my family and it becomes a legend!  Strange universe!"
     "Stranger than fiction, as they say.  But what d'ya think of my evil
legacy?"
     "I'm just glad you gave up that late husband of yours before we met these
people.  Otherwise, we could have World War Four on our hands - and me caught in
the middle!"
     "No.  I'd get them to see my point of view eventually.  I always knew
Siggy's political ideas were skewed - in fact, I told him more than once that,
politically, he was twice as whacked-out as Hitler!  Little did I know how close
I was to the truth."
     "What d'you think those M-bombs are that Juliet mentioned?"
     "Oh, that's obviously what turned the world into onyx.  Probably short for
meson-bombs."
     "What are mesons?"
     "Sub-atomic particles - like electrons and protons, but smaller - more on
the level of the quark or the protoelectron.  Some people thought you could time-
travel using them.  But instead of time travel, obviously, the military-minded
humans of the 100,000-Years War thought only of bombs.  It must have been
horrible!"
     Back at the carnal table, Lister, Cat, and Duchess had gotten completely
and totally drunk (Lister had returned to the refrigerator and got another ten
six-packs during the course of the evening - overhearing the holograms' talk and
smiling cheek-to-cheek every time.)  In the end, even the holograms were fairly
tipsy.  Juliet was the only sober one left - Kryten and Poppins had traded jolt-
drink recipes and were almost as drunk as Lister.  Sighing at the mess, Juliet
dragged Lister, with Kryten's help, off the floor and onto his bunk.  They did
the same with Cat.  Then Kryten turned himself off.  By that time, the
hologrammatic table had vanished and its occupants had returned to the Honeymoon
Suite for, they thought, their last night alone together for a while.  Juliet got
Poppins to help heave Duchess onto her bed, then Poppins turned herself off. 
Finally, a disgruntled Juliet found her bed and lay down on it.  "That man is
worse than a Ruff!  This dream is sure turning into a nightmare!  Oh, well,
goodnight, Duchy!"  Juliet turned off the light.
     "Gunite!" said Duchess and the lights went out. 




                               CHAPTER FIVE

     The next morning, Arnie and Charlie were snuggled up in the gigantic bed
in the Honeymoon Cabin, gently resting, when Holly came on the screen again at
six o'clock in the morning.  "Up and at 'em!" she yelled.
     Rimmer jumped out of bed like he had just heard a bomb go off.  A second
later, Charlie did the same.  Then they realized what it was and got back into
bed.  "Don't go back now!" yelled Holly.
     "Why?  Aren't we allowed a little privacy?"
     "Yes.  But not now.  It's oh-six-hundred and you know what that means?"
Holly smiled.
     "It's Howdy Doody Time?" asked Charlie.
     "Oh, come off it, people.  You've got to get to Starbug.  Kryten and
Poppins are waiting - and can't wait much longer."
     "Why not?  At least get us dressed," sneered Arnie.
     "Oh, all right.  But hurry!"  Arnie and Charlie were instantly clothed in
their usual uniforms.
     "What's for breakfast?" chided Charlie.
     "You can have it on Starbug," insisted Holly.
     "But can't we at least tell Listy, Duchy, Cat, and Juliet that we're
leaving?" asked Charlie.
     "They'll know.  I told them."
     "But I wanted to give Lister some last minute instructions on how to deal
with the dog-and-cat fights and little girls. . ." began Rimmer.
     "That can wait.  Just get to the shuttle bay!"
     "Oh, all right - we're coming!"  They left the Honeymoon Cabin,
reluctantly, and headed for the shuttle bay.
     There, they found Poppins and Kryten having their own little tete-a-tete
in front of the eight skutters.
     "Well, well, Krytie," smiled Rimmer as they entered the Starbug, "I see
you're finding some romance on your own!"
     "Sorry, M-M-Mr. Rimmer, Sir," stuttered Kryten, moving across the room,
away from Poppins.
     "No.  Don't stop!  As long as you won't stop us, we won't stop you,"
grinned Charlie.
     "Yes, but - I do have to pilot the ship."  Kryten moved toward the driver's
seat.
     "Go to it, then!"
     Kryten walked over to pilot the ship.  Poppins sat on the passenger seat
beside him.  Charlie and Rimmer went through about six crowding skutters to sit
down in the passenger cabin.  There they had a little wordless conversation of
their own, until, seemingly seconds later, Kryten announced, "we're here!"
     "Oh, no!  To the ship already!" protested Rimmer.
     They all got out of the ship, followed by the skutters.  "Follow them!"
Rimmer yelled at the skutters, who obediently followed the droids.  Charlie and
Rimmer walked hand-in-hand as far behind the skutters as they could.  However,
when they reached the lift, the privacy was ended.  Poppins said, "we should work
our way down the cargo decks.  Lift - take us to Deck 220.  We'll work our way
down from there."
     "How many decks of cargo are there, Poppins?" asked Rimmer.
     "Hundreds!" said Poppins.
     "We'll be here forever, then," sighed Charlie.
     "No.  We can only stay long enough to fill up Starbug.  A few days at
most."
     "Right," said Holly.  "But then you 'ave to come back and do it all over
again."
     "Oh, no!"
     "Oh, yes!"
     "Oh, well - let's do it," finished Charlie.  "The sooner we get done, the
sooner life can get back to normal."
     With that, the never-ending work started - the work of going to a cargo
deck, filling up the lift, carrying a lift-full up or down to Starbug, loading
Starbug (which was thankfully parked much closer to the door this time - it was
only a few feet from it now), then going back and doing it all over again.  This
continued all day until, well into night, Starbug was filled up.  "Time to go
back!" exalted Rimmer.
     "Not for you!" sneered Kryten.
     "Why not for me?"
     "You can stay here with the skutters.  We'll just fly Starbug back to the
ship, unload it there (David, Juliet, Cat, and Duchess are handling the stores
from that end), then come right back.  Remember - time is of the essence!"
     "But why can't we go back and see how the rest are doing?  Shouldn't we
check up on them in case Cat and Duchy get into another fight?"
     "No need, Mr. Rimmer," said Kryten.  "If anything serious happens, Holly'll
tell us."
     "Yes, but what if it's sudden?  We could never get back in time!"
     "I'm sure Mr. Lister knows what he's doing."
     "He does - but what about the rest of them?"
     "Calm down, Sir, they'll be O.K.  You just stay here with the skutters. 
Poppins tells me Holly has a little surprise for you two in the old Bach cabin."
     "Really?  A surprise?"
     "That is what she said," smiled Poppins.
     "O.K., let's go."  Rimmer took Charlie's hand and they headed for the lift. 
"Say "Hi!" to the rest for me!" yelled Charlie.  Kryten said, "I won't be seeing
them," then got into Starbug and revved it up.  By the time Starbug left, the
Rimmers were just entering the Bach residence.
     There they really did find a surprise.  The bed had become a Queen-size and
was done up in hologrammatic satin sheets.  In the middle of the room was a very
large, very romantic candle-lit table full of wonderful-smelling hologrammatic
food and wine.  "Enjoy!"  Holly came onto the screen where Warren should be.
     "How'd you get into Warren's system?" asked Charlie.
     "Easy.  I just modemed in here.  Pretty nice ship - too bad it's blown to
bits!"
     "Will you go away!  We're trying to conduct a honeymoon here!" complained
Rimmer.
     "I'm gone.  But I'll be watching for your every need, you love-birds,"
Holly blinked out.
     "So we'll get our honeymoon after all," smiled Rimmer, raising his glass,
"to us!"
     "To us!"  



                                CHAPTER SIX

     Back on Red Dwarf, David was having more trouble than even Arnie expected. 
But it was very subtle trouble - not the kind that Holly would consider an
emergency.  Basically, the humanoids and the other human were driving him nuts. 
It started out when he woke up to find Duchess and Cat glaring at each other
across a table filled with cold pastries that the droids had left them for
breakfast.  "What's wrong with you two?" he asked.
     "Nothing," Cat glared.
     "Not a thing," Duchess snarled.
     "Then why are you looking at each other like you're about to kill each
other?" Lister asked.
     "Don't worry about them, Listy."  Juliet came in to the quarters.  "By the
way, good morning!"
     "Good morning to you, man!  You're sure chipper this morning for someone
who got drunk last night!"
     "That's because I didn't get drunk last night!  I don't believe in it -
especially after I spent a year doing it before we sobered up and started
thinking right," lectured Juliet.
     "You're kidding me!"  Lister looked her in the eye.  "Even the droids and
the holograms got drunk - surely you were at the party too!"
     "You people are a disgrace to your species - all your species!  I mean,
sure, a little bit of booze once in a while to make you feel good - I did have
a glass of wine myself, but no more.  But you and Duchy - and this Cat!  You got
soused in less than an hour!"
     "What's wrong with that?"
     "You want to kill your brain cells one at a time?"
     "No, of course not.  But I also don't want an obnoxious little pipsqueak
of a girl lecturing me like she was my mother - get off it!  I get enough of that
from Rimmer!"
     "Which Rimmer?"
     "You know which Rimmer - Arnold!"
     "Well, he does have a point."
     "No he doesn't - and neither do you.  I like my booze once in a while.  It
keeps me sane."
     "I thought Arnold was here to keep you sane?"
     "That was the idea - it didn't work.  You can thank Holly for that!"
     "Now you're insulting Holly!  First me, then your best buddy, whether you
know it or not, then Holly!  You can't get along with anyone!  According to your
old roommate - Arnold was your old roommate wasn't he?"
     "Yeah?  So?"
     "According to him you're the world's worst slob!  And that's the one thing
I can't stand!  It was bad enough living with Duchess - and she's pretty neat for
a Ruff - but a human being that much of a slob is an outrage!"
     "Hey, I have my own way of livin'.  I don't have to have anyone's approval
- certainly not the approval of a snobby girl, a smeghead hologram, and a
whacked-out computer!"
     "Well, I never!" roared Juliet, taking a couple of croissants and danishes
off the table and heading out the door, back to her room.
     So Lister was left alone with the two glaring humanoids.  "Get off it, you
guys!" he yelled at them.
     "Why don't you get off it yourself?" smirked Cat.
     "I thought you'd be on my side in this, Cat."  Lister was indignant.
     "No way, man!  Like I said once before you're drivin' a garbage truck - and
I don't particularly like garbage trucks!"
     "I think this human's got the right idea."  Duchess went over to stand near
Lister.
     "Sure, you would, you bitch!" growled Cat.
     "Now don't start that again!" yelled Lister.
     "I think he's just right."  Duchess went over and put her arms around
Lister.
     Cat shook his head.  "I can't believe you, buddy - a cute girl, true, a
little young, but cute, comes in here and you drive her away - and start cuddling
down with the dog!  I wouldn't expect it of you!"
     "What's so bad about Duchess here?"
     "You're askin' me?"
     "Yes."
     "You want them numbered?  One - she's a dog.  Two - she worships alphabet-
head like he was a god.  Three - she's a slob.  Four - she's more than a little
chubby.  Five - you should know this - according to the cute little girl, this
dog here threw out the most important books that could have got them their
computer back.  Should I go on?"
     "No.  You've said enough."  Lister held back Duchess, who was ready to
pounce on Cat, more at each word.  "But what d'ya mean about the books?  Since
when were you interested in books?"
     "I'm not.  C'mon, bitch.  Tell him the story."
     "Oh, all right," sighed Duchess.  She sat down and they all sat down with
her.  "It's a long story - I really don't want to talk about it."
     "Wanna save it for storytelling time - like Arnold!"
     "Yeah, I'd like to."
     "Just tell the gist of it," sighed Lister.
     "O.K. - you see, Poppins tried to teach Juliet and I about the universe. 
She took lots of trips to the vidbook storage area and came up with some
incredible books.  In fact, I wish I could kill myself now, knowing that I
could've granted my savior's wish if I hadn't been so stupid."
     "What d'you mean - granted your savior's wish?  Whose wish?"
     "The Great Rimmer's - I mean, Arnold's.  You see, when we did our
schooling, I usually did it with Juliet.  And after a few months of it, Juliet
was able to try to fix Warren - and did it.  Well, after a month or so of that,
Poppins wanted us to keep schooling, but Juliet wanted to finish fixing Warren."
     "That's reasonable enough.  Go on."
     "Well, when she did that, Poppins taught me alone.  I'm sorry to admit it,
but up until that time I was cheating off Juliet on our tests."
     "Don't worry - I did the same thing," winked Lister.
     "Well, so when I was taught alone, I flunked all my tests!"
     "Tell me about it!"
     "Then, you see, Poppins insulted my intelligence when I told her what was
happening.  Then she made me re-take an exam.  I still flunked it.  Then. . .oh,
it's so terrible I don't wanna talk about it! . . . Anyway, I got so mad I threw
every book we had out the garbage chute!"
     "Doesn't your ship recycle?"
     "Not without a computer!"
     "So what does that have to do with Rimmer?"
     "The main book I threw out that didn't have another copy in the cargo decks
was one called Holograms and Holobodies: The New Immortality - the ultimate, no-
holds-barred Bible of the holobody business.  If we had that book, you guys could
learn it and the Rimmers could be much happier.  But I lost their only chance -
I really could kill myself!  Juliet's still mad at me for that!  According to
Poppy she was ready to kill me once she heard about it!  That's her favorite
subject, you know?"
     "Yeah, I know.  But can't you find out the details some other way?  What
about that other book?"
     "Oh, that's just an intermediate book - none of the real meat, so to speak. 
That book really only goes slightly beyond the basics - it's mostly history.  If
we really wanted to make them, we'd have to have the other book."
     "But couldn't Holly learn the book and figure out the rest?"
     "Holly?  Your computer?  But you told me last night she's computer senile."
     "True.  But she's still smarter than all the rest of us."
     "Really?  What about Poppy?  She's pretty near genius.  And Charlie seems
to be pretty close herself."
     "You're right!  Maybe with Holly and Charlie and Poppins we could do it! 
But why would we want to?  Rimmer's been a hologram for close to seven years -
and Charlie's been one for over three years - and they have each other now, so
the touching thing isn't so totally overwhelming."
     "So what?  You wanna keep 'em down?  I don't believe you!"
     "I just thought things were O.K. as they are."
     "You're blind, you know that?"  Duchess picked up two croissants and two
blueberry muffins and walked out of the room, back to her cabin to placate
Juliet. 
     Cat looked Lister straight in the eye, "you're really something, you know
that?"
     "Just shut up and eat!"  Cat and Lister started chowing down on the ample
breakfast and had it all cleared before the girls ever came back.


                               CHAPTER SEVEN
     Back on Blue Giant, the holograms were waiting in the shuttle deck when the
droids returned.  "Stayed all night, didn't you?" asked Rimmer.
     "Yes.  But it took us all night to unload Starbug."
     "Sure it did.  I hope you told Holly her surprise was well worth it,"
smiled Charlie.
     "What was the surprise?" asked Kryten.
     "Just a little honeymoon interlude in the girls' old cabin.  Holly's trying
to make up for making us work now."  Rimmer held Charlie tight.
     "No.  She just needed something done and, unfortunately, you two were the
only ones that could do it."  Poppins glared at them.
     "Tell me all about Holly's surprise," said Kryten.
     "I will - in the lift," smiled Rimmer.
     The holograms shooed on the skutters and work went on just as it had the
day before and would for the next four weeks.  And during that time the holograms
had a real honeymoon romantic dinner and bedding every night, while the droids
spent every night unloading Starbug.  But work wasn't all that monotonous. 
Almost every day they saw a new cargo-floor of Blue Giant.  "This ship really is
amazing," said Rimmer during one of their long lift rides.  "They totally re-did
it."
     "That is correct," said Poppins.
     "How?"
     "Well, the DD hollies - that is to say, the holobodies that were Stuck
Holobodies for the Department of Defense. . ."
     "What's a Stuck Holobody?"
     "A holobody whose computer is still outside his own body - usually in some
top-secret government lab.  Otherwise, he is just like any other holobody.  We
had a number of that group on the ship."
     "But didn't their computers get bombed?" asked Rimmer.
     "No.  They stole the computers before the trip."
     "Isn't that dangerous?"
     "Indeed it is.  But these hollies knew what was happening and so were
willing to take the risk.  Both Juliet's idol Juliet Winger and Holly's creator
Holly McFriesen were Stuck Holobodies - one for the Department of Energy, the
other for the Department of Defense.  They risked erasure to join our trip - but
they would have been killed anyway."
     "But they didn't know that!  Go on."
     "Anyway, the ones from the DD were able to manufacture, then steal the
three engines that blew up - the Tesseract Engine. . ."
     "What does that engine do?  It sounds fascinating!"
     "And you sound like Mr. Spock.  But go on, tell us about these engines,"
smiled Charlie.
     "The Tesseract Engine was invented by Juliet's father, Tony Bach, and the
hollie Raisa Carlisle - they invented and made all the engines on the ship,
except the original one we refurbished that got us here.  Anyway, the engine goes
from one spot in the universe to another - instantly.  It's named for the Wrinkle
In Time process of tesseracting."
     "I see.  So it's like a Duality Jump," mused Kryten.
     "Somewhat like - but at least a hundred times quicker."
     "So what were the other engines?"
     "We had a Teleport Engine. . ."
     "But wouldn't that transport you instantly also?" asked Charlie.
     "Yes, but that was even quicker.  And it could get us to the other end of
the universe in a split-second."
     "So that's how you ended up here!"
     "No.  We never got to use the Teleport Engine.  It blew up."
     "So how did you end up here?"
     "We tessered four times, then had to use our back-up engine to keep us
moving at all.  By that time, even the tesseract engine had blown."
     "So what was the other engine?" asked Charlie.
     "It was just a simple Thruster engine."
     "And that blew too - why?  That's a simple engine!"
     "Yes, but we are talking about engines that were exposed to M-waves.  Meson
radiation is almost impossible to shield from!  It moves 100,000 million times
faster than light!"
     "Then why didn't we get this 'Meson' radiation?" asked Rimmer.
     "We did," answered Holly from the in-lift viewscreen.
     "When?"
     "Back when Lister was in stasis.  That's one of the reasons why it was
three million years before it was safe enough for me to let him out."
     "So you're telling me that this nuclear nightmare on Mars led to our
situation here?"
     "Somewhat.  After all, you did have lethal neutronic radiation also. 
Between the two, it was never safe."
     "O.K. - so you lost all your engines.  What happened then?"
     "Well, the ship was in a panic. . ."
     "I should think so!"
     ". . .and I went down to the Medical level to see if I could help with the
wounded - I am a trained medidroid, after all.  Well, when I got there, I
happened to look into a sealed door - and there were the five Deadly Disease
vials crashed on the floor next to an open vent.   Well, my panic circuits went
into overdrive."
     "How horrible!" screamed Charlie.
     "That was just the beginning.  Luckily, about a half an hour before the
Tesseract engine blew, I had locked Duchess and Illia - I mean Juliet - into
their stasis booths.  Because, soon after, the diseases started affecting the
ship."
     "Tell us about the diseases," said Kryten.
     "Well, remember your history books - the thing that put sexual history back
a few centuries - the epidemic called AIDS. . ."
     "Yeah, I'm with ya," said Charlie.
     "Well, the first disease was the same thing, but worse.  It killed its
victim in the same way as AIDS did in, usually, less than an hour."
     "How did any of the crew survive?"
     "It was all over the ship."
     "Wasn't your computer working then?"
     "No.  He blew up just prior to the first documented case of DEDS."
     "What was the second disease?"
     "The second disease hit the Ruffs only.  Remember, these were New-Neo-Nazi
diseases - and they hated the Ruffs even more than Cat does.  The second disease
made Ruffs into mad dogs and killed them all in less than three hours!  The third
disease hit only Jean Wood, the only surviving holobody.  She blew up in the
middle of the Pub - ghastly!  The fourth disease made your skin green, your hair
grey, and acided away your bones in under six hours, until we found a semi-
antidote and got it up to eight hours.  The fifth disease, which both Juliet's
mother and father got, we nicknamed hologrammitis . . ."
     "Why hologrammitis?"
     "Well, it basically made living humans into holograms.  After a few hours
with the disease, Cristal couldn't touch anything but another person with the
disease.  Less than three hours after that she was dead.  Soon after that I was
all alone."
     "Horrible!  Absolutely horrible!" cried Rimmer.
     "To say the least!" sobbed Charlie.
     "So Juliet's real name is Illia!" mused Rimmer.
     "Do not tell her I told you.  She hates that name."
     "Why?"
     "I do not know.  But she always wanted to be named for the inventor of the
holobody.  She was very close to Juliet Winger and most of the other First Ten,
so it is not all that strange."
     "Who are the First Ten?" asked Charlie.
     "They are the first ten holograms to be made into holobodies.  They
included Juliet Winger, Holly McFriesen, and a number of high-ranking astro
holograms."
     "Amazing!"
     After about two weeks of transporting supplies (and even the little tete-a-
tetes at night were starting to bore the Rimmers), Holly helped Poppins and
Kryten hook up a tube from the water- and milk-storage tanks on Red Dwarf to
their counterparts on Blue Giant, so for about three days the Rimmers had the
droids around to keep them company during the night as well as the day.  But
after that it was back to the old hauling routine.
     After another two weeks, they entered the lift for what seemed like the
millionth time.  "Are we ever going to be finished?" asked Rimmer.
     "We have already finished with the cargo decks," answered Poppins.
     "Thank God!" exalted Arnie.
     "But now we have to transplant that Park Room for Duchess and salvage all
we can from the rest of the ship," said Poppins.
     "What could we possibly be able to salvage from the rest of a burnt-out
exploded ship!" screeched Arnie.
     "There is much.  For one thing, there are two rooms full of vid-books that
must be salvaged.  Plus everything in our old quarters.  Plus the whole Park
Room.  Plus, for Lister and the animal's sake, all the liquor from the bars. 
Plus, of course, any salvageable electronic components from Warren, the navcomp,
and all the other computers.  Finally, we have to get the oxygen-making unit,
medical equipment, and the botany bay onto Red Dwarf and get all the components
we can from the lift itself."
     "But, that could take weeks!  According to Holly we only have a few more
days left!"
     "No, you have a week left, at most," answered Holly.
     "Great!  Just great!"
     When he saw the Park Room, Rimmer could understand why Duchess wanted it
so much - it looked so Earth-like, so homey.  Charlie suggested that they just
rest there for a while, before dismantling it, but the droids wouldn't let them,
so they spent half a day dismantling it and bringing it onto Starbug.  They spent
the rest of the day hauling vid-books from the two cabins adjacent to the Bach
cabin.  "I see what you mean," said Kryten when he eyed the still-not-erased
hologrammatic love-nest Holly had made of the Bach cabin.
     "I'm glad you do.  Get to work you skutters!  You too Krytie!  Time's a
wasting!  Droids, you can carry about twenty books each, can't you?  Skutters -
two books a piece, each load!  Get to it!" Rimmer yelled and the skutters quickly
complied. 




                               CHAPTER EIGHT
     Back on Red Dwarf, things had gone from bad to worse to almost unbearable. 
Juliet stopped talking to Lister after the second day - and even Cat was treating
him like he was some kind of outcast.  Duchess sometimes kept him company, but
never for long enough.  He tried to organize some games, but every time he tried,
he'd find Cat, Duchess, and Juliet in the middle of a passionate game of War or
Spite and Malice or Super-Duper Trivial Pursuit or whatever.  He finally got them
to help him take the supplies from the shuttle bay into the cargo decks and other
places on the ship, but this just made it worse.  They worked all day, glaring
at each other, not saying a thing, then, at night, when he flopped onto his bunk,
he kept hearing peals of laughter from the other room.  They were partying
without him!  One day he forced himself to stay up - and scared Cat half to death
when he came in at three in the morning.
     Finally, he felt he had to confront them.  The next day, after they had
finished work in the shuttle bay, he went right into Juliet's cabin.
     "What are you doing here, Gerbil Face?" sneered Juliet.
     "I'm human, am I not?"
     "That's debatable," remarked Duchess.
     "What I mean is, I'm one of you!  Why can't you accept me and let me join
ya?"
     "We'd like to," said Cat.  "But the little cutie won't let us."
     "Why won't you let me, Juliet?" asked Lister.
     "Because you don't like me."
     "I don't like you?  I'd rather say you don't like me!"
     "Actually, I do like you.  I just wanted to see how much you could take. 
Besides, I figured if they had to worry about you, our lovely animals would stop
fighting each other."
     "Did it work?"
     "Pretty much.  They're very competitive - and generally won't sit next to
each other or do anything alone together - but at least they aren't beating each
other up every two seconds."
     "So what's on for tonight?  You know, you guys are the loudest card players
I've ever heard!"
     "Well, we do get kinda carried away.  But after all, she makes us stay
sober," said Duchess.
     "Why sober?"
     "I thought it prudent.  Don't you think they'll be better together if they
stay sober?"
     "No, man!  If they drink together they'll be friends sooner!  I'm bringing
my beer!"  Juliet opened her mouth to speak.  "Don't say it!" cried Lister.
     "I won't.  Actually, I suppose you're right.  And I could use a beer
myself.  Do you miss the Rimmers?" asked Juliet.
     "Miss the Rimmers?  Well, I dunno.  I certainly don't miss Arnold.  But
Charlie was a great companion!"
     "Thanks for the compliment," smiled Holly.
     "Yes, I guess it was a compliment.  What's going on?"
     "Not much.  It's just - you're going to have to tell the droids and
holograms to hurry it up!" yelled Holly.
     "Why me?  Can't you tell 'em?"
     "Actually, I think you should.  Let's just say the holograms are starting
to get on each other's nerves - and need some human conversation."
     "The holograms are coming back this time?"
     "No.  But, besides the navigation crisis, I think you may have a serious
psychological crisis!  And what may amount to a near-divorce if they don't hurry
up and get back!"
     "How long should I tell them they have?"
     "Oh - give them three more days.  They've already got the important cargo,
books, Park Room, and most of the rest of the stuff.  Three days should do it -
and our orbit's already starting to be skewed."
     "O.K.  I'm going up.  When are they coming?"
     "The droids should land in Starbug in exactly ten minutes, 25 seconds."
     "I'll go right now."
     "I'll go with you," pleaded Juliet.
     "Thanks.  I'd like that."
     "Me too!" Cat moved toward the door.
     "Then I'll go also!"  Duchess walked over to Juliet.
     "O.K., then - snap to it!"
     They all left to go to the shuttle bay again.
     There they met Kryten and Poppins unloading the last of the books and a
sizable chunk of the electronics gear out of Starbug.
     "How's it going, man?" asked Lister as Kryten came near him.
     "Long time, no see, Mr. Lister," smiled Kryten.
     "Did you miss us?"
     "Not at all, Sir, although I get the feeling Mr. Rimmer would run up and
kiss you, if he could, were he to see you now."
     "What d'ya mean, kiss me?"
     "I mean all this honeymoon stuff has driven him crazy!   Mrs. Rimmer is
also going crazy!  They are really not the sort for long-term jobs, you know."
     "Well, they'll be happy to know that Holly told us to tell you in person
that you have to finish in the next three days or we'll have an emergency on our
hands."
     "Well, I'm sure they'll be glad to hear that, Sir.  But why did all of you
come up here just to tell me something Holly could have told me herself?"
     "Let's just say we've all gone kinda whacked out."
     "Really, Mr. David?  Strangely enough, that is exactly what Mr. Rimmer said
was going to happen."
     "He did, did he?  Well, we'll have to have a talk with him when he gets
back."
     "I'm sure he's thinking the same thing."
     "So when will that be?" asked Juliet.  "I mean I barely met the couple and
they run off to loot my ship!"
     "At Holly's orders, Ma'am," pointed out Poppins.
     "I know - but still, I wait all my life to meet an Ancient Hologram - then
I run into two.    Then, the next day, they desert me - leave me with The
Universe's Sloppiest Man and the pet-people!  I don't think it's fair."
     "Nothing's ever fair," said Lister.
     "I don't know that," said Juliet.
     "You see the End of the World and are the last human survivor from a ship
that holds 20,000 - and you still think life's fair?"
     "She is only 12 years old, Mr. Lister," pointed out Poppins.
     "So what!  She's had experience!"
     "Don't let's start that again!" sighed Duchess.
     "And what do you have to do with it?"
     "As the last survivor of my species, I have quite a lot to say. . ."
     "If you four are going to have an argument, why do you not do it in the
more comfortable living quarters, rather than out here where you are disturbing
our work.  If we hurry, we could get back tomorrow."
     "O.K., O.K., we're going!"   Lister headed toward the lift to return to the
living quarters.    




                               CHAPTER NINE

     Back on Blue Giant, things were going from bad to worse to unbearable also. 
Charlie was finding out that doing a real job with her husband was somewhat
tough.  Most of the time she had to make all the decisions.  Not because Rimmer
wasn't decisive, but that his decisions were so off-base.  It all came clear to
her one night when she finally got him to tell her about some of their adventures
before they brought her back.  "Lister mentioned something about a prison
spacestation once.  What was that all about?"
     "It's a long story.  When the time comes, I'll tell you about it."
     "But the time has come.  Tell me about it.  We have all night."
     "No, really.  Don't you want to hear about the DNA machine when Kryten
became human and Lister turned into a chicken?"
     "No - you and Dave have told me that one a million times!  But I never got
the details on the other one.  Oh, all right, we'll save that one.  But what
about that time you found that matter-transporter and went into that planet with
the famous-people-droids?"
     "Oh, that was my finest moment!  Victory on Waxworld!  You know, I defeated
the enemy completely."
     "O.K. - so who were the enemy?"
     "The evil wax-droids of course - Hitler, Napoleon, Caligula - all of them! 
And I did it with less than 20 hero wax-droids."
     "What do you mean, you did it?"
     "I defeated the enemy, of course."
     "So why didn't these good-guys join you?"
     "Why?  They had a planet all to themselves!"
     "But according to Dave, you wiped out the whole planet!"
     "Don't listen to him - he doesn't know anything!"
     "Yes, but Kryten said the same thing.  So what d'ya think we should do
about that skutter that blew yesterday?"
     "It's just a skutter.  Leave it!"
     "No.  We only have eight.  They're our hands, whether you know it or not."
     "No they aren't.  These are."  He showed her his hands.
     "I mean, they can pick things up for us.  Why don't we get Poppins to fix
it?"
     "Oh, all right.  But we're leaving day after tomorrow whether they like it
or not."
     "Sure.  Dave said we had three days, so we'll beat him by one."
     "I hate this ship, you know."
     "So do I."
     "But I love you.  Let's have some fun and stop this jabbering."
     "You still haven't told me the story I really wanna know about."
     "Which is?"
     "You know - when Dave set off the auto-destruct and somehow it ended up
that you and he swapped bodies - before the soulswap machine."
     "You don't want to know about that."  Rimmer got off the bed and started
pacing around the room in his sickly-green pajamas.
     "Yes I do.  What if we can get it working again?  I may be able to swap
bodies with Juliet - could you stand that?"
     "A 12-year-old in your body?  I don't know.  It'd be kind of weird. 
Wouldn't it be better if Lister and I swapped bodies at the same time?"
     "No.  Then there'd be no more fun."
     "You - even you - want to get away from me!"
     "It's not that.  I just want for once to see what it would have been like
if I had gotten a body - to see what one of these holobodies might feel like. 
Besides, I think Dave likes me.  He wouldn't mind."
     "No.  He'd love it!  So I'm not letting you do it."
     "How are you gonna stop me?"
     "I don't know."
     "Then I'll do it when you don't know about it.  Then I'll find out what
you're really like.  Tell me, what did you do when you had Dave's body?"
     "Hasn't Listy told you?"
     "I'm not answering that question."
     "So he has told you!"
     "No comment."
     "Well - it was the greatest thing - you wouldn't believe it!  Tasting -
smelling - touching!  I mean, I get some of that with you and Holly's help, but
that was paradise!  Unfortunately, I had told Listy I was going to shape up his
body. . ."
     "But instead he put on almost 30 pounds."
     "He did tell you!"
     "Yes.  I can see your point, but you didn't have to cut his hair, steal
Starbug, and chloroform him and Cat!"
     "If you knew all of this, why did you marry me?"
     "Good question.  I do see your point of view, but I see his too.  It's all
so confusing.  But it really came down to whether I could live with myself if we
were both celibate the rest of our lives - and I couldn't.  Also, I do like and
love you - but you have to see that I like and love Dave too."
     "So you want to take a vacation in Juliet's body and see how the other side
feels!  While I'm left a hologram with only the snobby teenager who thinks being
a hologram is the greatest thing ever for a companion!  Thanks a lot!"
     "It could work out.  Maybe we could get a schedule going - swap bodies
around.  You know, me in Juliet, for a while, then, during that, you in Lister,
then maybe we could get Cat and Duchess to agree to it - then we'd really have
some fun!"
     "First of all, the process was wiped from Kryten's memory, Holly's memory,
and the machine was smashed to bits!  Then we ejected the soulswap machine.  This
is all hot air anyway!"
     "You forget that we have Juliet, Poppins and Duchess now.  Poppins may even
have the holobody process in her memory - she mentioned reading everything about
it once.  If not, Holly may be able to get something out of Warren's databanks
before they have to eject the ship.  Don't give up!"
     "Why not?  It's all a bunch of rot anyway - I don't believe those
holobodies ever existed!"
     "I do.  You've seen the book!  How can you say that?"
     "But just knowing they existed makes you spare!  I just can't go on like
this!  Can't we just accept what we are and go on with it?"
     "For now, I guess we have to.  Come back here."
     Rimmer returned to the bed and they had their little session, to Rimmer's
great relief.




                                CHAPTER TEN
     Finally, Blue Giant had been wiped clean.  Even the lift had been looted
of all its electronic components.  While they were doing that, Holly tried one
last time to revive Warren, then tried to raid his databanks - no luck.  They
shooed the skutters, including the one that Kryten and Poppins had fixed the day
before, back onto Starbug and revved up the engines.  They were finally leaving
the ship for the last time.
     "Good riddance," smiled Rimmer, as Starbug lifted off and went through the
door, back toward Red Dwarf.
     "Why do you hate it so much, Sir?" asked Poppins.
     "It's just a burnt-out blue garbage-heap.  And now there's nothing of use
in it.  I really don't know how you three lived there for two years."
     "I thought you enjoyed my surprise!"  Holly was indignant.
     "I did.  I still do.  But a surprise gets a little old after a month.  The
honeymoon's over."
     "Too bad!" sighed Kryten, winking at Poppins.
     "What are you two smiling about?" asked Rimmer.
     "Nothing.  We've just noticed that you and Charlie aren't getting along
quite so well as you did before."
     "We're getting along just fine, thank you," nodded Rimmer.
     "Really?  I could have sworn I heard you fighting last night!"
     "We weren't fighting," said Charlie.  "We just had a bit of an argument
over what you guys did before I came along."
     "Did he tell you about Justice World?" asked Kryten.
     "Oh do smeg off!" shouted Rimmer, leaving the pilot area and going back to
the cabin.
     "What is his problem?" asked Poppins.
     "I don't know.  This hard work has just strained his nerves.  And I was
needling him about the past last night."
     "Good.  He could use a little of that," said Kryten.
     "So tell me about Justice World."
     "No, we'll wait until we can tell the whole crew.  Have that little
storytelling session we were talking about.  First we have to solve the Blue
Giant problem."
     "I'd better calm him down.  Tell me when we land."  Charlie went back to
the cabin.   "Come on, Arn, don't act like such a baby!  It happened in the past
- so what!  Whatever it is, it can't be that bad!"
     "Oh, yes it can!"
     "Even if it is, it's past!  And if you can't tell me, you can't tell anyone
- and that's unhealthy."
     "I'll tell you all sometime.  I just have to have some breathing room right
now."
     "Fine.  I'll go back to talk to Krytie and Poppy."
     "No.  Stay here!"
     "Why?  I thought you needed some breathing room?"
     "Yes.  But I need it with you.  It's the droids and the skutters that are
driving me crazy."
     "I don't believe that.  But I'll stay if you want me to."
     "I just can't believe I'm actually looking forward to seeing Lister and
Cat!  It surely can't have been that bad!"
     "You miss them.  That's normal - you've lived together for almost half a
decade now."
     "I know, but I still can't believe it.  And I'm scared to meet Juliet and
Duchess again - what if that dog starts bowing to me again?"
     "Don't worry.  She's stopped it."
     "How can you be sure?"
     "I can't.  But I think she has and I think Lister will have talked some
sense into both of them."
     "Yes.  They'll probably hate me now, just like the rest of 'em!"
     "They don't hate you!  They're just not your type.  But Duchess and Juliet
and I are.  Don't worry so much!"
     "I'll try not to."
     "There you go."  
     Kryten yelled, "We're landing!"
     "Good.  Now we can have a nice mixing party and forget all this."
     "I hope so."
     They landed Starbug and Kryten and Poppins unloaded the last of the cargo. 
There was so little that they just took it with them.  Rimmer and Charlie
followed behind.  Rimmer looked around and said, with feeling, "home, sweet
home!"
     "You really mean that?" asked Lister, who had come up there alone to meet
the returning party.
     "Yes, I believe I do."
     "You really must have gone spare over there.  Come on in, we've fixed up
your room and we've decided to have a little party in the Officer's Club so we
can all get re-acquainted."
     "Great!  Just great!  Back on my own turf and I have to go to a party right
away!"
     "Don't knock it, Arnie," pointed out Charlie.  "It'll be fun.  We can dance
like on our wedding night and we can really get to know the newcomers."
     "Sure - while we all get totally drunk again!  I sure hope you got all the
Better-Than-Life headbands off this ship, Listy!"
     "I have.  You know I have.  And the last thing I need is someone else
complaining about what drinkin' does to people!"  Lister rolled his eyes.
     "What do you mean, someone else?" asked Charlie, moving away from Rimmer
and going to walk beside Lister.
     "I mean that Juliet girl . . ."
     "You know her real name is Illia," smirked Rimmer.
     "Really?  She has this thing that drinking kills your brain cells and we'll
never get anywhere if we keep drinking like this," said Lister.
     "It's only once in a while," said Rimmer.
     "Not for me and Duchy it isn't - and that's who she was talking about."
     "That's right - the evolved dog that drinks!  This should be fun!"
     "I think it's perfectly O.K. to drink as much as you want.  It's not as if
we're driving or anything.  Even if Lister gets totally plastered, he won't hurt
anything.  That is, unless he drives Starbug right after.  But even you did that
once, Arn, didn't you?" asked Charlie.
     "Yes, I did - and you well know it.  Let's change the subject."
     "You know what?" asked Charlie.  "I think you and Juliet would make the
perfect pair."
     "You're nuts!  What could I do with a 12-year-old human girl - especially
one from 100,000 years after we left who is stuck on holograms!" retorted Rimmer.
     "I think she's right," smirked Lister.  "Why don't we get the bodyswap
process going, then Rimmer can marry Juliet and I can get Charlie, just like I
wanted."  Lister winked at Charlie, who winked back.
     "How can we do that?  The whole process was sabotaged by you and Kryten as
soon as I gave Cat his body back!" yelled Rimmer, coming up to walk beside
Charlie and giving Lister an evil look.
     "We'll find a way.  But it'll be a long time yet."
     "What do we do now?" asked Charlie.
     "Now - we party!"
     "I mean after the party."
     "We recover," pointed out Rimmer.
     "I mean after the day after."
     "I suppose we shall have to let go of Blue Giant," said Poppins.
     "I'll handle that," Charlie smiled.
     "And I'll help!"  Rimmer took Charlie's hand.
     The party was a success after all.  Every single one of them got totally
blitzed.  Dave finally got Juliet to drink after she found out she loved
strawberry daiquiris and the new supplies from Blue Giant gave them enough frozen
drinks to get Juliet drunk before even Lister succumbed.
     During the drinking time, Lister danced with Juliet and Charlie and Rimmer
danced together.  Charlie wore one of her beautiful outfits and the people from
the future were amazingly impressed by it.  Cat and Lister both tried to dance
with Charlie, but failed utterly, to Rimmer's great joy.  He and Charlie also got
blitzed - he on hologrammatic whiskey sours and she on hologrammatic strawberry
daiquiris (liking the same drink broke the ice again for Juliet and Charlie). 
Even Cat and Duchess got into it, but not together.  Rimmer, Lister, and Carver
all tried to get them to dance together, but to no avail.  "I'm not touching that
dog-woman!  She'll mess up my suit!" exclaimed Cat.
     "And I'm not touching that cat-man!" growled Duchess.  "He doesn't
understand the subtleties of dancing, that's for sure!"
     But they both danced.  Cat danced a lot with Juliet and Duchess danced even
more with Lister.  The droids stayed in the background, dancing as well as they
could with each other.
     Holly tried to make it through the thing.  She blinked out while everyone
was dancing.  Then she decided to come back and play D.J. again, which she did
quite well, having heard centuries of D.J.'s routines during her years alone on
Red Dwarf.  But even while playing D.J., she had to keep returning to the
navicomp to adjust the ship so that both ships wouldn't go crashing into the
nearest planet.  This took up lots of her time, but no one really noticed.
     The next morning they all woke up on the floor of the Officer's Club. 
Juliet and Charlie woke up first, then each, respectively, shook Lister and
Rimmer until they had woken up.  Then all four woke Cat, Duchess and the droids. 
They all had terrible headaches, so they spent the rest of the day taking naps
and drinking coffee.
     By mid-afternoon, though, Charlie was back on her feet.  She, with Holly's
help, completed the redecoration of the Rimmer cabin.  She kept all of Rimmer's
stuff where it was put, but added a whole wall mural of Medieval England and
various dramatic swords to offset Rimmer's gun collection.  Then she decided she
was sick of her uniform and got Holly to get her a very dramatic hand-painted t-
shirt, art-deco black jeans, and a well-decorated brown leather jacket.  Then she
went over to Lister's cabin to see how the men's poker game was going (poker was
the only thing any of them did after a party - it had become a tradition for the-
day-after).
     She found that, amazingly, Rimmer was winning - and that was pissing off
Cat and Lister.  The other girls hung around the table, cheering, booing, and
keeping the conversation going (and Duchess was holding and playing Rimmer's
cards).   When the game was over, they all got together for a new tradition
Juliet had insisted on - a massive eight-person game of Spite and Malice.  This
lasted well into the evening.  After the game, Rimmer took Charlie aside. 
"What's that get-up?"
     "I just wanted to look more normal.  You could use a little change
yourself.  We're not in a military situation anymore - uniforms are meaningless."
     "Maybe to you - not to me!"
     "You can't be serious!  You still wanna wear that stupid red uniform even
when there are three new girls on board!  I'm starting to think Dave's right -
that you're slightly skewed."
     "Don't insult me!  You have no right to insult me!  I'm your husband!"
     "I know that.  You don't have to mention it every two seconds.  And you
would be a lot more presentable if you varied your outfits once in a while."
     "I do vary my outfits, as you put it.  You know I do.  It's Listy that's
always wearing the same thing."
     "I admit you're right, but Dave has a limited supply of wardrobe material. 
You have no such excuse."
     "A limited supply of wardrobe material!  We just emptied the Blue Giant of
two decks of men's clothing.  He should be able to find something in there!"
     "You're getting off the subject."
     "What's the subject?"
     "I really don't know.  But I do know that if you're gonna make any kind of
impression on these people, you're going to have to let up on some of these
stories about your past.  Juliet told me today that she likes you, but really
wonders about all these things that Dave hints about and you never want to talk
about.  In short, I think it's time for storytelling time."
     "Now?  When we're recovering from hangovers?  If it had to be done at all,
it should've been done last night, when everyone was drunk!"
     "No.  I think now's the time.  We're going to have to concentrate on
releasing Blue Giant soon and we've all recovered from the last month - the time
is right."
     "But do I have to tell them everything?"
     "No.  I think all of us should tell our own stories.  I just think you
should keep your end of it and stop telling everyone that it's a long story."
     "Oh, all right.  You've convinced me.  As long as it's as you say - we can
do it after dinner."
     "O.K., let's go."
     The droids, who had nothing much in the way of hangovers (Poppins had a
special chip to prevent them), fixed a large and satisfying post-party dinner
which lasted well over an hour.  When everyone was sated, Lister suggested that
they go to the large lounge area on the next floor up where there were ample
numbers of comfortable chairs and, there, commence with the storytelling.  He was
surprised to see everyone agreeing readily - even Rimmer.
     When they were all comfortable and the droids had passed out light
cocktails, Lister started it by saying, "what I really want to know about is what
your family was like, Juliet."
     "My family?  Can't we talk about something more interesting?"
     "We've heard all about your adventures on Blue Giant and there's not much
to talk about three million years in stasis, so your family's next in line."
     "Oh, all right.  My mother was the one who started the whole Blue Giant
thing.  She had seen it in the museum many times.  She was friends with the
owners and operators of the museum, which is how we were able to get it so
easily."
     "O.K., tell us about your mother," said Rimmer.
     "She was quite a woman.  She had a medical doctorate and a doctorate in
applied physics.  But I never saw her all that much.  We never really talked
except for that time when the fadeds were on our ship for a coupla weeks."
     "Tell us about the fadeds," said Lister.
     "The fadeds - you know, they were the people who had disappeared and died
after contracting hologrammitis."
     "But how did they come back?"
     "No one knows - we could not figure it out," said Poppins.
     "But they did come back.  Were they able to touch things?" asked Charlie.
     "Oh, yes - then they could.  But they only lasted for two weeks - enough
to get us started fixing Warren and the navcomp before they left again."
     "So you found your mother on the Bridge, is that how it started?"
     "Yeah.  Then we found the rest of 'em - including, surprisingly, my father
- in the 365th-Deck Pub.  Quite a jolt that was!"
     "So that's all that happened - they came there, boozed down, fixed your
ship up, then left," said Arnie.
     "Yeah, that's right.  But enough about me.  Arnie, Dave told me you were
on trial once - what happened?"
     Arnie looked at Charlie with pleading in his eyes, "go on, tell it!"
prodded Charlie.
     "O.K.  You see, we found this escape pod out in space and brought it onto
the ship.  The pod said 'Barbra Bellini' on it."
     "What does that have to do with it?" asked Charlie.
     "You'll see," smiled Lister.
     "Anyway, without my knowing it, Cat started the thaw process.  We knew from
the black box it was escaped from the prison ship - was either a female guard or
a lethal, crazed simulant.  I made that clear to them when they found out," said
Rimmer, slowly.
     "Yeah, get on with it!  We decided to be safe we should go to the prison
colony in case it was the simulant," put in Lister.
     "Weird place that was!" exclaimed Cat.  "Made us wear boots like
Frankenstein's hand-me-downs."
     "Right.  Then we went through the mind probe.  That sure scared Listy!"
     "You bet!  I was sure I'd be in there for life.  But I had been caught
every time I'd done anything, so it let me go," said Lister.
     "But it got alphabet-head!"  Cat smirked.
     "What do you mean, it got him?" asked Juliet.
     "They mean the computer saw my guilt about the accident and I was sentenced
to over 9,000 years for 2nd degree murder," Rimmer shuddered at the thought.
     "Then why are you here now?" asked Duchess, pity in her eyes.
     "Well, Krytie got me off," said Rimmer wistfully.
     "Tell them how," said Lister, smiling.
     "Do I have to?" asked Arnie, looking at Charlie.
     "Yes!"
     "O.K. - he proved I couldn't have caused the accident, so I was innocent."
     "No, I proved he couldn't have caused the accident because he's a half-wit
underachiever with a Napoleon complex," corrected Kryten.
     "You didn't have to get that specific!" yelled Rimmer.  "Besides, you
forget the time you became human and made fun of yourself."
     "So, that's not so bad," said Charlie.
     "I can't believe it of you," Duchess looked at Rimmer.  "A man like you
blaming himself for something he couldn't have even done!"
     "That's not the worst.  Remember the time he wiped out a whole planet!"
     "I did not wipe out a whole planet.  You forgot about pre-historic world!"
     "No.  Dumb dinosaur-droids can't be equalled to real wax-droids who broke
their programming!"
     "Why don't we hear more about Juliet's friends.  Tell me about your hollie
friends - I want to know more about them."  Rimmer desperately wanted to change
the subject.
     "Which ones?  I had lots of 'em."
     "Tell 'em about Ron," said Duchess.
     "Oh, of course, Ron."
     "Who was Ron?" asked Charlie.
     "Oh, he was a hollie-cabbie in New London.  We made friends with him on the
way to our hotel the first day on Mars.  He was a real cool dude!  We marched
with him and played with him in his cabin until he got sick.  His name was Ronald
Serpentine.  If he had stayed alive, I really think I could've married him.  He
was smart, witty, and very cool.  You see, he started out as a nuclear scientist
in NeoAmerica.  Then his body was wiped out in an M-bomb blast (there were lots
of hollies around like that, unfortunately).  He worked for five years as a Stuck
Holobody for the Department of Defense, then he couldn't take it anymore.  He
bought out his computer and moved to New London, where he always wanted to live. 
Then he took up taxi-driving as a way to make extra money."
     "A nuclear scientist driving a taxi?  Isn't that kind of crazy?" asked
Rimmer.
     "No, actually, it was fairly common.  Hollies lived so long, they tended
to go from occupation to occupation.  Our next-door neighbors were Free
Holobodies, a husband and wife, who had started out as astros - in fact, they had
originally been holograms.  Then they had become holobodies with the First Ten. 
At that point, they took up teaching.  Later, the male joined the PGA and won the
New British Open and the female did the same with tennis - won NeoWimbledon at
the age of 89,995.  And, of course, there were ones that just kept up their work
- Juliet and Holly were both like that - they just kept on the edge of their
professions and edited their books each year.  They both also did the lecture
circuit, so they could travel.  They loved it.  After knowing them all my life
(they were my Mom's friends first), it was no wonder that I always wanted to be
a hologram - all my best friends started as holograms."
     "That's really interesting, Juliet.  But, Duchy, we haven't heard from you. 
What was Io like when you were there?  Was it still enclosed in a bubble with a
raging inferno outside?" asked Rimmer.
     "No, actually.  The Ruffs terraformed Io.  Grass was the key.  First we
created ten more bubbles out of material we found, that is, once we gained
intellects.  No one's really sure when that happened, but it couldn't have been
more than 50,000 years after you left Mimas.  Anyway, what we did was coat the
planet with grass, trees, and other living things.  Also, using what science was
on the tapes we found, we were able to chemically stop the volcanoes.  Then we
coated the planet with life - and it flourished.  The probe that overflew it
first from Mars thought it was Earth itself!  And we used grass for everything."
     "That's true," said Juliet.  "They even coated their buildings with a thick
lawn of grass."
     "Grass on buildings?  Isn't that a little absurd?"
     "No.  Actually, it worked quite well.  And it kept oxygen on the planet. 
Soon after covering the planet with grass, we discovered agriculture and by the
time the humans sent a ship to get us, we had cities as big as New New York or
New Paris.  It was quite a sight."
     "Then why did you leave?"
     "Our real home was Mars - we had to get there.  But I loved Io, so I stayed
there to go to school until the last shuttle left.  I wish now I could've seen
more of Mars.  But enough about me.  Dave tells me you actually went back to
Earth once," said Duchess.
     "Not exactly Earth - it was a backward Earth," said Rimmer.  "But we had
a great time there, didn't we, Krytie!  Had an act as the Reverse Brothers and
were a hit in a pub!"
     "Yeah, until we found you," said Lister.
     "And ruined all our fun with that fight!"
     "It wasn't our fault!" pointed out Cat.
     "We could've stayed there," sighed Rimmer.
     "But it was so weird," said Lister.
     So the conversation continued, as each told their best story.  The
conversation went well into the night until, around oh-three-hundred, Holly came
on the screen in their lounge.  "Get up here, guys!" she yelled.



                              CHAPTER ELEVEN

     "Why?  What's the matter?" asked Arnie.
     "We've got an emergency.  We have to decide what to do with the Blue Giant
and do it quickly.  We have to be completely rid of it in less than 24 hours or
both ships are going to crash into that ice planet we're passing by!"
     "Let's get to the Drive Room!"  Charlie ran to the door.
     "I'm with you!" Rimmer raced after her.
     "What's the Drive Room?" asked Juliet.
     "You'd call it the Bridge," said Lister.  "Let's go!"
     Charlie rushed to the lift and was followed on her heels by the rest of the
crews of both ships.  The lift ride took only a few seconds, then they all
crowded around the large screen in the Drive Room.
     "O.K.," said Charlie.  "What's the scoop?"
     "The scoop is the part of the ship that takes in the hydrogen. . ." started
Poppins.
     "Ignore her," said Holly.  "What we have to concentrate on now is how we
are going to let go of the other ship."
     "Can't you just drop it?" asked Rimmer.
     "No.  We can't just 'drop it'," said Holly.  "If we did, not only could it
easily crash into our ship, but it could also drop onto the moon and take us in
its wake."
     "So what do we do?" asked Charlie.
     "I think it would be best to leave it go with a bomb set on board," said
Holly.
     "You mean auto-destruct!  A ship twice our size!  You've got to be
kidding!" screamed Rimmer.
     "Yes, I mean auto-destruct," said Holly.
     "But wouldn't that kill us all!" exclaimed Lister.
     "Not if it was done right," said Holly.
     "How is right?" asked Charlie.
     "Now, wait a second, here." Juliet moved closer to Holly's screen.  "You're
seriously thinking of outright destroying a ship I spent the last 2,900,002 years
on!  No way, Jose!"
     "Yeah, she's right," said Duchess.  "You can't just up and blow up our ship
without a reason."
     "It's not without a reason," said Holly.
     "O.K., what is your reason?" asked Poppins.
     "I think it safer than any other option," said Holly.
     "What other options?" asked Rimmer.
     "The option of just letting it go drifting off into space with no power or
navigation whatsoever.  Have you thought of the possibilities in that?" asked
Holly.
     "What possibilities?" asked Cat.  "The thing's been like that for the last
year at least - and it hasn't had any problems yet."
     "No problems, eh?" asked Rimmer.  "What do you think almost running into
us counts for?  Chopped Ruff-beef?  I think Holly has a point."
     "But now it's unobstructed," said Juliet.
     "Yeah, but for how long?" asked Lister.
     "Not very long.  As I said, we're getting awfully close to an ice moon. 
It could drop on it."
     "So - it drops on an ice moon - so what?" asked Juliet.
     "So what?" asked Charlie.  "So what if, by some stroke of luck, some ship
has landed there and there is a growing colony there?  Do you know what that ship
would do?  Have you ever heard of the Dinosaur Killer?"
     "You mean the Tyrannosaurus Rex?" asked Cat.
     "No, I mean the comet or asteroid that fell to Earth and killed the
dinosaurs.  Could you live with yourself if, with all we've been through, you
killed a species?" asked Charlie.
     "I guess not," said Cat.
     "But if we can't just drop it, what do we do with it?" asked Rimmer.
     "That's the question," said Charlie.  "And I have the answer."
     "Which is?" asked Rimmer.
     "We blow the thing up, like Holly says," answered Charlie.
     "But how can we do that without blowing ourselves up with it and without
just letting it go?" asked Lister.
     "We have to rig it up so that it blows after we are out away from it far
enough to be safe - and so that it blows before reaching the atmosphere of the
moon," said Charlie.
     "How are we going to figure that out?" asked Cat.
     "Holly and I will figure it out.  You guys can go back down and have your
rap session," smirked Charlie.
     "No way - we're staying!" Lister pounded his fist on a keyboard desk.
     "That's right," agreed Rimmer.
     "Oh, all right - you can stay.  Now, what kind of bombs do we have on
board?" asked Charlie.
     "We have ten 200-megaton N-bombs, which are no good since the ship would
stay intact.  But we also have 500 500-megaton H-bombs, which, although dirty,
would probably do the job," said Holly.
     "Then we have to get those bombs on key places on the Blue Giant and figure
out exactly what time we have to set them for," said Charlie.
     "I'm not touchin' no bombs!" cried Cat.
     "Neither am I!" yelled Lister.
     "Now, come on, guys - they won't be triggered!  All you have to do is place
them on the ship and set the timer!  By the time they blow, we'll be light-years
away, right Holly?" asked Rimmer.
     "Theoretically, yes," said Holly.
     "What d'you mean, theoretically yes?" asked Lister.
     "I mean, if all goes well, the bombs will be placed and we'll be far away
long before they go off."
     "And if all doesn't go well?" asked Cat.
     "Then we'll all get a nice nuclear blast in the face," smirked Rimmer.
     "But it has to be done," insisted Charlie.
     "Why?" asked Cat.  "Is it really that dangerous?"
          "Yes, it is really that dangerous," pointed out Holly.  "Get going!"
     "How will we know when to set them for?" asked Juliet, joining the humans,
humanoids, and droids heading towards the lift.
     "We'll work that out once you have them ready to place," said Charlie.
     "Right," said Rimmer.
     "Why are you still here?" asked Charlie.
     "I'm helping you out."  Rimmer moved towards her.
     "No, Holly's helping me out.   You're getting in the way.  Go and keep the
guys from going spare and blowing a bomb!" ordered Charlie.
     "You want me to get near bombs?  After the accident we went through?  You
really must be joking!"
     "Actually, you're right.  I might get jittery and mess up an equation if
I stay here alone with Holly.  You can stay, just be quiet," said Charlie.
     "Of course.  I'll be as quiet as a mouse," said Rimmer.
     "Now!" screamed Charlie.
     Charlie proceeded, with Holly's help, to figure the exact vectors of the
two ships, the speeds, the speed of the blast, and the radiation effect of the
500 bombs.  By the time the others had loaded up Starbug with the bombs (which
took well over five hours - they were way too careful), Charlie had the timing
worked out to the second.  "Got it!" she smiled.
     "Got what?" asked Rimmer, who was deep in a daydream about what they could
do together that night.
     "Got the time-setting.  Let's go."
     They joined the others at the shuttle bay, where Starbug was loaded with
the bombs.  Charlie got up on a podium so that everyone could see her.  "This is
it.  Here is where each of the bombs is to be placed," she showed a chart of the
Blue Giant, by Deck Number and Section, with little marks where each bomb was to
be placed.  It looked as if the Blue Giant had gotten the chicken pox.  The 500
bombs were in the 500 key spots on the ship.  She continued to her speech, "the
plan is to place the bombs very carefully so that they all go off at once.  To
expedite this, Kryten and Poppins have rigged all the bombs to one control box. 
Be very careful with that control box!  Once all the bombs are placed, the
control box will be put on the Bridge and is to be set at one hour - sixty
minutes, zero seconds - got it!"
     Lister nodded hesitantly.
     "Now go and do it!"
      They all got into Starbug.  "How're we gonna get there if you took apart
the lift?" asked Lister as they took off.
     "No problem, Sir, Holly has supplied us with a link-up to her which will
run the lift ten times as fast as before.  It should expedite the process."
     "Great!"
     Once they reached Blue Giant, Kryten and Poppins hooked up the new controls
to the lift and each team (they had decided to go in teams - Lister and Charlie,
Rimmer and Duchess, Cat and Poppins, Kryten and Juliet) got off at a different
floor.  Six hours later they all met back at the Bridge.
     "Did you get them all placed?" asked Charlie.
     "Yeah, boy - it was scary down in those empty cargo bays!" shivered Lister.
     "Were there any accidents?" asked Juliet.
     "Of course not - if there were, none of us would be here," lectured Rimmer.
     "Of course, I did almost drop a bomb," said Lister, smiling.
     "So did I, man!" cried Cat.
     "We came this close to Armageddon!"  Juliet showed a millimeter between her
fingers.
     "So - we had some close calls.  None were set by accident, were they?"
asked Charlie.
     "No, not really," said Duchess.
     "What d'you mean - not really?"
     "I mean, one started, but I stopped it."
     "How'd you stop it?" asked Rimmer.
     "I just turned it off."
     "O.K., calm down!  Let's just set the thing and get the smeg out of here!"
exclaimed Charlie.
     "I'm with you!" agreed Cat.
     "Hurry up!" cried Juliet.
     "Yes - get moving!" ordered Rimmer.
     Kryten finally decided it was up to him to do it - they were looking at
Charlie as if she was going to do it, which of course she couldn't.  He pushed
the right starting buttons and set the timer for sixty minutes and zero seconds,
then pressed the red button that started the countdown.  "Let's go!" he headed
towards the door.
     They all ran to the lift and flew down to Starbug.  They didn't bother to
disconnect Holly's control box from the lift.  They ran double-time to the
Starbug, revved it up and were off in a matter of seconds.  "Is everyone here?"
asked Poppins.
     "I'll see," said Kryten, counting.  Two animals, two holograms, two humans,
two droids - we're all here!"
     "Don't you call me an animal!" growled Cat.
     "Just a figure of speech," said Kryten.
     "I'm not so sure," growled Duchess.
     "Now don't get all riled up over that!" exclaimed Rimmer.
     "Just making sure you guys were up!" Duchess smiled.
     They reached the Red Dwarf in a matter of seconds, quickly landed, and
headed right for the Drive Room.  "Get us going!" yelled Arnie to Holly as they
passed a screen.
     "I'm on it.  Ship going maximum speed.  Get ready for future echoes!"
     The Red Dwarf accelerated to near the speed of light.  During the
acceleration period, they all made their way down to the habitation corridor and
congregated in Lister and Cat's room.  Then it hit light speed.
     At first everyone just sort of stared around, stunned, stumbling around as
they were seeing at least ten of themselves all at once.  Then the mass recovered
and they were all back to normal again.  That is, until the Rimmers decided to
go to their quarters.  There they saw two baby cribs with two little girl babies
in them.  Rimmer rushed to them in excitement, just seeing the faint, silver
vestigial 'H's on their foreheads before the vision vanished.
     "What was that?" he asked Charlie, who was reeling from the sight herself.
     "I don't know," she blinked.
     They wandered back into Lister's room to find Lister and Juliet staring at
each other in wedding clothes, then they also vanished.
     "What on Io is going on?" asked Rimmer.
     "I don't know," said Lister.  "I think it's future echoes again."
     "Not again!  The last time we saw them we saw you die - remember!"
     "Not me!  It was my grandson.  But what hit you two?  You look like you saw 
ghosts."
     "We did," said Charlie.  "Or the closest thing to it.  Holly - are you sure
these things aren't just dream-images?"
     "No, they're future echoes," said Holly, blinking off to return to
navigation.
     Cat and Duchess came in from Duchess and Juliet's room screaming.
     "What happened?" asked Lister.
     "I can't believe it!  I just can't believe it!" cried Cat.
     "Neither can I!"  Duchess stared at Cat with a look that could kill.
     "What did you two see?"
     "Our worst nightmare."
     "That's for sure!" cried Cat.
     "What did you see?" asked Dave.
     "I'm not talking about it!  The dog can if she wants to, but I'm not saying
a word!" Cat flopped down on his bunk.
     "I'm not either!" cried Duchess.  "I think Charlie's right - it must be
dream-images!"
     "But Holly said they're future echoes again.  Why is everyone going bananas
about it?  We've had them before!" exclaimed Rimmer.
     "Sure!  When it was just you, me and Cat.  Hardly the same as this!" cried
Lister.  "But I'm making sure.  Who wants to join me in the medical lab?" 
     They all followed him to the medical lab, where they had a re-run of the
image that Lister had taken a picture of way back when they first had the future
echoes and Lister had seen himself in a medical lab coat holding twin boys.  This
time, they also saw Charlie in the same kind of outfit showing two twin girls to
Charlie - and Duchess in a similar outfit showing off a litter of ten to Cat. 
"I think Holly's wrong!"   Rimmer was dazed, as they all returned from the
medical lab.
     "I agree.  There's no way we could have kids!" exclaimed Charlie.
     "Even if you could - I'd never have kids with that bitch!" glared Cat.
     As they returned to the room, Holly came on the screen.  "We're a safe
distance from Blue Giant now.  I'm returning to three-quarter light speed in a
half-hour," said Holly.
     "You mean you can go the speed of light?" asked Juliet.  "I thought that
was the Einsteinian speed limit of the universe?"
     "That's what I originally thought," said Holly.  "But I was wrong."
     "How do you do it?" asked Charlie.
     "I just accelerate 'til I reach it," smiled Holly.
     "It can't be that simple!" cried Rimmer.
     "It is.  You remember the last time - I did it by accident when I was
turning the ship around," said Holly.
     "I know.  But tell me again - were those really future echoes this time? 
I mean, last time was weird enough, but what we saw this time was totally
impossible," lectured Arnie.
     "Yes, of course they're future echoes, moosebrain.  I told you once, I'll
tell you again - when we reach light speed you catch up with yourself and see
future echoes."
     "Sure, right - then how do you explain the fact that I saw Charlie holding
twin hologram children - explain that!"  Rimmer walked up to Holly and gave her
an evil look.
     "I think I need a little talk with your wife first," smiled Holly.
     "Why?  What could you possibly have to say to Charlie that the rest of us
can't hear?"
     "You'll see.  Let's just say those future echoes were nearer to the present
then you may expect," smirked Holly.
     "You're kidding me!  I know you're kidding me!  Besides, there's not a
chance in hell that Cat and Duchess ever get married!"  Rimmer paced.
     "Have it any way you like, Rimmer - I know future echoes when I see them,"
said Holly.
     "So you wanna see me in private?" asked Charlie.
     "Yes.  Meet me at the hologram library.  I have news you simply have to
hear - you and no one else."
     "Not even me?" asked Rimmer.
     "Once and for all - not even you!"
     Charlie ran down to the hologram library to see what Holly wanted.  "Women,
you can't understand them, can you, Listy?" asked Rimmer.
     "It's for sure that you can't," smiled Lister.
     Charlie reached the hologram library out of breath.  "So what's the big
news?" she asked.
     "You're not going to believe this!  It's for certain that Rimmer will never
believe this, but it's true!  As true as the fact that we are now going light
speed for the second time in three million years!" exclaimed Holly.
     "Come on, tell me!" cried Charlie.  "If it's that crazy, I should at least
know what I'm dealing with!  Are there aliens on board again?"
     "No, well, yes, well, I don't know.  You may say so if it makes you feel
better, but I should think you'd rather think them human," stumbled Holly.
     "What are you going on about - are there aliens on the ship or not?"
     "Not what you'd call aliens, I guess," decided Holly.
     "So what is on the ship?  Another mutated sock?  A rampaging mechanoid? 
A human stowaway?  Tell me!"
     "None of those, though I guess the last was nearest the truth, although
calling them stowaways wouldn't make you much of a mother," said Holly.
     "A mother!  Did you say a mother?  Come on, give it to me straight, what's
going on?"
     "I told you you weren't going to believe it.  But yes, you are going to be
a mother.  Now, don't faint.  I sensed some unidentified beings on your person
when you returned from Blue Giant.  It wasn't until I got light speed under weigh
and saw some of the future echoes that it made sense.  Brace yourself!  You are
carrying in your womb twin girl holograms!  But not just holograms!  I have
nothing to do with them, but I sense the slightest tinge of humanity in them. 
For one thing, I believe they're dependent on you, but not on me.  In fact, I
can't control them," rattled off Holly.
     "You're telling me I have two twin girl computer-independent holograms in
my womb!  Surely you're making this up!"  Charlie felt her stomach with some
interest.  "And what do you mean you sense the slightest tinge of humanity in
them?"
     "I mean, I see a potential in them to become carnal eventually.  It's just
a conjecture," sighed Holly.
     "How can holograms become carnal?" asked Charlie.  "That's a paradox!"
     "Maybe it's a paradox, but it's happening."
     "How d'ya think it happened?"
     "I really can't say.  I can only conjecture that up until now very few
holograms have had mates.  And the ones that had probably never even thought of
going to bed with each other.  And even if they did, there is some possibility
that the mixture of M-waves and N-waves have somehow mutated your hologrammatic
bodies.  I really don't know."  Holly thought hard.
     "But what if that explosion hits us?  D'ya think coming out of light speed
is safe right now?  I wouldn't want our babies further mutated!  Well, maybe I
would.  Does this mean that I can do it with Dave?"
     "No, I don't think so.  But I think Dave has something to do with it.  Have
you ever thought of this ship as a kind of last-ditch Noah's Ark?" asked Holly.
     "Now you're really going spare!  Noah's Ark?  A gigantic, red, ugly ship
three million, two thousand, one hundred eighty-five A.D.?  You must be joking?"
     "No, I'm serious.  It does make sense in some strange way," said Holly.
     "O.K., we have a very strange occurrence, a possible conjecture at how it
happened, but what're we going to tell the father?" asked Charlie, with a lop-
sided smile.
     "You're going to have to tell him.  I suggest you do it in front of
everyone.  Maybe I could bring up the Noah's Ark thing right before the bombs
blast and you can go from there," suggested Holly.
     "You want me to announce it in front of everyone?  I'd be the laughing
stock of the ship!"
     "But they all know you - they know you wouldn't lie," said Holly.
     "Maybe the guys do, but I don't know about Juliet, Duchess, and Poppins."
     "I do.  They'll believe you.  They'll want to believe you.  In fact,
everyone will want to believe you."
     "O.K., let's do it!  When are the bombs supposed to blow?"
     "In just under twenty minutes."
     "Wait a second - I thought we'd be far enough away that we wouldn't even
see the bombs go."
     "No.  We'll see and hear it go - but we'll be within safe range - about a
light-year is safe range for a large H-bomb explosion," said Holly.
     "A light-year!  How'd we get a light-year away?"
     "Easy.  The last time I did light-speed, I figured out how to do ten-times
light-speed on the side.  When I said we were going as fast as we could, I meant
it!"
     "Warp Ten!  We were going warp ten!"
     "Yeah - anything for my people - especially you!"
     "Thanks a lot, Hol.  So what'll the explosion look like from a light year
away?"
     "Oh, it'll look like an exploding nebula.  No big deal."
     "Great.  I'm going back to Listy's room.  I'll try to get the whole group
up to the Bridge for the big explosion."
     "Get to it!"




                              CHAPTER TWELVE
     Charlie entered Lister and Cat's room again to find them all just milling
around.  "So what did Holly have to say?" asked Rimmer.
     "For one thing, she said that in the next twenty minutes we'll be able to
see the explosion," said Charlie.
     "What explosion?" asked Cat.
     "The explosion of the Blue Giant," said Charlie.
     "How could we see that?  I thought we were going to be a safe distance
away!" exclaimed Lister.
     "We'll be able to see it - but we are a safe distance away."
     "What'll it look like?" asked Duchess.
     "Holly says it'll appear to us as a supernova explosion."
     "This I've gotta see!" shouted Juliet.
     "Indeed," smiled Poppins.  "But how is it that it shall look like a star. 
To appear as such we must be well over a light-year away."
     "We are," said Charlie.
     "What?  How could we be over a light-year away.  We only stayed at light
speed for a few hours," pointed out Rimmer.
     "Yeah, but we were at over light-speed," said Charlie.
     "You mean faster than light speed!" cried Juliet.
     "Lots faster.  Ten times the speed of light," smiled Charlie.
     "You're joshing me!" cried Lister.  "This ship could never go ten times the
speed of light!  Even the Enterprise can only go Warp Eight!  That'd be Warp
Ten!"
     "Ask Holly.  I'm right," said Charlie.
     "All right," Rimmer went up to Holly.  "Holly, did we really go ten times
the speed of light?"
     "Yes, of course we did," smiled Holly.
     "O.K., so it'll look like a supernova - so what?" cried Duchess.
     "So, it'll be quite a sight.  We should watch it from the best-possible
viewport," said Rimmer.
     "I know!  Let's go and watch it from that gigantic viewscreen in the drive
Room!" cried Charlie.
     "Good idea!" said Juliet.
     "Let's go," Lister moved toward the door.
     They all loaded onto the Xpress Lift and were in the Drive Room in less
than five minutes.  "What d'we do now?" asked Lister.
     "I suggest we continue our discussion until the explosion," said Kryten.
     "Really?  Do we have to?" asked Rimmer.
     "I think it's a great idea!" Duchess smiled at Rimmer.
     "Me too!" cried Juliet.
     "Oh, all right," said Rimmer.  "But let's start with what Charlie and Holly
were really talking about down in the hologram library."
     "No," said Charlie.  "I'll talk about that later.  For now, I'm really
interested in what Cat and Duchess saw in the future echoes."
     "You don't wanna know that," sighed Duchess.
     "Oh yes I do!" prodded Charlie.
     "Oh, all right," said Duchess.  "I guess you would've guessed eventually. 
Cat and I saw each other together - and I looked very pale and tired - I was
lying down with ten very strange babies in my arms and Cat was holding my hand! 
Can you believe that?"
     "No, not really," said Rimmer.  "That's why I was asking Holly about
whether they may have really been dream-images.  After all - I saw myself holding
two little twin girl holograms - they even had the thinnest, silveriest 'H's on
their heads - very weird!  Now that I know we were going Warp Ten, I really think
I must have been right about that."
     "No, you weren't," said Holly.
     "How long until it blows?" asked Lister.
     "We still have twelve minutes," said Holly.
     "Then why don't we tell the crew all about that time we actually thought
we had girls on board - and it turned out to be a chameleonic genetically
engineered life form - a pleasure girl gelf," suggested Lister.
     "That was fun!"  exclaimed Kryten.  "She was almost the best girlfriend I
ever had."
     "You would think so!  True - she was beautiful there for a while - looked
just like my cousin Janine!  And a hologram too!  If I had known I was going to
get Charlie, though, I wouldn't have been so taken," smiled Arnie.
     "To me she looked just like me - but more curves.  That is, less than me,
but much more angles than Poppins.  Poppins is easily twenty times cuter than
Camille was.  Even more so when she turned into a . . ."
     "Big green blob!  I can't believe you kept going out with her, Krytie!"
smirked Rimmer.
     "But she was still a wonderful person, Mr. Rimmer!  I mean - she actually
liked me, that is, until her husband came along."
     "Her husband!  Another big green blob!" exclaimed Lister.
     "Exactly.  But those were still beautiful times."
     "But we should have known something was the matter - at least Cat should
have.  Didn't you see yourself, Cat?" asked Rimmer.
     "Sure I did.  Best looking person in the universe!"
     "Typical cat reaction," murmured Duchess.
     "Don't give me that, dog-face," glared Cat.
     "Now don't start fighting!  I didn't mean to start a fight," said Lister. 
"But that wasn't the really good time.  Remember the last explosion we had to
deal with?"
     "You mean the fake auto-destruct?" asked Rimmer.
     "No.  The one that blew you up after you got alive again."
     "Oh, that!"
     "No, that was fun.  Girls, you know, if we still have any of that stuff
around, we can time-travel," said Cat.
     "Time-travel?" asked Juliet.  "What stuff?"
     "The mutated development fluid.  Made our pictures come alive.  We joined
Lister during his band-playing days," smiled Rimmer.
     "Don't talk about it.  I don't want Juliet knowing about that song!"
blushed Lister.
     "What song?" asked Juliet.
     "The "Ooom" song, quite a hit," smirked Rimmer.  "I actually enjoyed it. 
But going there changed the time-lines and we lost Lister, Kryten, and Cat.  It
was just Holly and I stuck here!" he frowned and shuddered at the thought.
     "I should think you would've liked that, Arn," said Charlie.
     "No.  It was too much!  So I went back to try to talk him out of it -
didn't work.  Then I went back, through one of my school slides to make myself
invent the Tension Sheet.  It didn't work, but I got Listy, Krytie, and Cat back
- and came alive again."
     "Yeah - then he blew himself up!  Good show!  He was alive for, what? 
Under five minutes," Lister smirked at Rimmer.
     "You loved that, didn't you?"
     "Well, yes, who cares?"  
     "I do," frowned Charlie.
     "As do I," said Duchess.
     "How much longer?" asked Rimmer, desperately.
     "Under ten minutes.  It's time, Charlie," pointed out Holly.
     "You think now?" asked Charlie.
     "Any later and they won't have recovered in time to enjoy the blast!" said
Holly.
     "Very well.  I have some very interesting news for all of you.  But first,
Holly, I think you should tell them your metaphor about this ship," said Charlie,
playing for time.
     "Yes.  I think this ship is the closest thing we can get to a Noah's Ark.
. ."
     "Nonsense!" screeched Rimmer.  "How could we possibly be a Noah's Ark?  A
Noah's Ark is for people and animals that can reproduce and rebuild a world!"
     "And you think you can't?" asked Charlie.
     "Of course we can't!  Isn't it obvious!" laughed Arnie.  Holograms can't
reproduce - that's two down.  Androids certainly can't reproduce - that's another
two down.  And it'll be quite a few years yet before Juliet is apt to produce any
offspring, so two more are delayed.  That leaves Cat and Duchess who hate each
other's guts.  You aren't planning on reproducing somehow, are you, Holly?"
     "No.  That's not the point - and all your points aren't necessarily true."
     "How so?  I mean, you can't really tell me that Cat and Duchess have been
doing it while we were on Blue Giant?  Or Lister and Juliet?  And if Juliet and
Cat or Lister and Duchess were to do it, could they really reproduce?  Now, be
serious!"  As Rimmer went on, Charlie tried to get a word in, but he kept holding
up his hand and cutting her off.  He continued, "Now really, I know a man needs
a woman, so we are much better off now that we've met our precious guests from
the future - but do you really mean we're going to keep multiplying like rabbits,
fill up the ship and return to Mars with a whole colony to rebuild the smoking
cinder!  I mean really!"  Charlie tried to speak again and again he cut her off. 
"Now, now, Charlie, I know you think I'm being a little hard on them.  I mean,
yes, technically, that could happen, but I really doubt it'll happen anytime
soon."
     "Let me speak!" yelled Charlie.
     "Yeah, come on, shut up and let her speak!" cried Lister.
     "Oh, all right.  Say your bit.  But all I have to say is that Holly must
have been reading too much wild philosophy or maybe just whacked-out another
notch - maybe she just can't take two holograms!  I don't know.  But I do know
her theory is as possible as us returning to Earth in the next two seconds,"
frowned Rimmer, finally turning to look at Charlie, who was ultra-nervous and
appeared to be on the edge of tears.  She took a few deep breaths and, guilty-
feeling, Rimmer went over and sat down beside her, hugging her hard.  "Sorry
about that, mate.  Just had to say my say.  Go on."
     "Well, this is for everyone to hear," announced Charlie.
     "We're listenin'" said Lister.
     "O.K., to put it bluntly - I'm pregnant," she let it out with a sigh.
     "What did you just say?" asked Cat.  "I thought you said you were
pregnant?"
     "That is what I said," said Charlie.
     "Surely you aren't serious," murmured Rimmer, quietly, a look of hope
dawning on his face.
     "I am.  Ask Holly," whispered Charlie.
     "But how can you be pregnant?" asked Rimmer, jumping up and going over to
the screen, where he started pacing like the expectant father he was soon to be. 
"I mean, I know you're a beautiful woman in her fertile years, but - we're
holograms, by god!  How can she be pregnant?  And how could I possibly be the
father?  Holly, give it to me straight?"
     "All right, I will.  She is pregnant."
     "How can she be pregnant?" asked Cat, coming up beside Rimmer.  "I mean,
how can the two goalpost-heads have a kid?  It doesn't make any sense!"
     "I know.  But it's true."
     "You mean to tell me that Rimmer here is a father?  That just isn't fair!" 
Lister also joined them by the screen.  The others came up behind them and
Charlie went through them to join Rimmer in the center front.
     "It is fair.  You have life.  But I have children," laughed Rimmer.
     "I still don't get it!  Chicken-legs and Charlie having kids!  How'd they
do it?" asked Cat.
     "I still don't know," frowned Holly. "But it's true.  She's about three
weeks on.  In about two months, she'll be showing."
     "But won't they just be holograms, like them?" asked Lister.
     "No, not really," said Holly.
     "Wait a second," said Juliet.  "Didn't you have something to do with it,
Holly?  I mean the only way a hologram can have a kid is if his or her computer
makes them!"
     "No, I had nothing to do with it," admitted Holly.  "In fact, I just found
out when they returned from Blue Giant."
     "So what are they going to be?" asked Duchess.
     "They're going to be what may be called computer-independent holograms. 
That is, they'll be able to walk through things and such - but they'll probably
be able to make hologrammatic anything out of thin air!  They should be quite an
interesting study as children!" mused Holly.
     "Computer-independent holograms!" cried Rimmer.  "You mean me and Charlie
somehow got together and created people independent of you?"
     "That's the idea," smirked Holly.  "Even more surprising, a DNA-scan shows
they have no light bees, but do have some sort of physical presence, even human. 
There is even the slightest possibility that they could become at least partially
carnal later on."
     "What d'you mean, partially carnal?  D'you mean they could make it with my
children?" asked Lister.
     "I believe that is the idea," smiled Rimmer.  "Wouldn't that be fun - my
children and your children!"
     "Never, ever, ever is that going to happen - believe you me!" yelled
Lister.
     "We'll see.  After all, by the future echoes you are to have twin boys and
six grandchildren.  And I somehow don't expect your boys to be interested in Cat
and Duchess's children.  Maybe Holly is right that we are a Noah's Ark!" mused
Rimmer.
     "No way!  No way!  I kill myself and my children before I let any of them
touch your children!" roared Lister.
     "Now, calm down, Listy!  That's all in the future!  We don't even know how
many or what sex my children are going to be!"
     "Yes we do," said Charlie.
     "We do, do we?  O.K., what are they and how many?" asked Rimmer.
     "Well, according to my scan," said Holly, "your future echoes were
absolutely correct.  You'll have twin girls."
     "See, I knew it," said Cat.  "I knew alphabet-head could never actually be
a father to a boy!"
     "What does that have to do with it!" yelled Arnie.
     "A lot.  Where I come from, men rule the roost," smirked Cat.
     "Yeah, but you'll see differently sometime soon," smiled Duchess.
     "What does that mean?" asked Cat.
     "It means where I come from, women are equal and things go smoothly.  Do
you know that Ruffian Io never had a war in its whole 30,000 years!"
     "No!  Really?" asked Rimmer.
     "Quite a shock, isn't it, General Custer!" laughed Lister.
     "It's true," exclaimed Duchess.  "So that proves it - dogs are more
civilized than cats!"
     "That doesn't prove anything!" glared Cat.
     "Holly, before we start another fight here, how much time before the
explosion?" asked Rimmer.
     "Well, Papa, it will take place in just under five minutes," smiled Holly.
     "Can you not give us the exact time?" asked Poppins.
     "Yes, I can.  It'll be in four minutes, 45.34 seconds," retorted Holly.
     "Well, then we can explore this little mystery a little further," said
Rimmer.
     "I'm sure you want to know all about it, Father Smeghead!" smirked Kryten.
     "Yes, I do.  Like, for instance, Holly, how do you explain this happening? 
I mean, I know you haven't a clue as to how it was done, but could you give us
a few theories we can work over?" asked Rimmer.
     "All right,  I think it probably happened, first of all, because it was,
according to my databanks, very rare for two holograms of different sexes to get
together - in fact, I have only two actual cases on record, out of thousands of
holograms, apart from the Holoships, of course."
     "So.  We just had the luck to do it - and there could have been lots more
holograms if any others had tried.  But tell me, did either of those two in the
databanks get married - or go to bed together?"
     "Well, the databanks don't really show.  We have no record of that kind of
thing unless it had been on this ship, which, as you know, could have never
happened."
     "So, it's only hot air.  Any other ideas?"
     "Well, something along the lines of that stuff you were talking about
earlier - the development fluid that mutated to create the timeslides.  You know,
it may have something to do with the fact that the whole ship, including, of
course, all the hologram disks, were bathed in both Neutron and Meson radiation
for well over three million years."
     "So we're a mutation.  At least we got this one right!" smiled Rimmer.
     "I think it's the best mutation possible, judging by the circumstances,"
said Juliet.
     "Yes - isn't it wonderful!  The father of Ruffdom is actually becoming a
true father after he died!  Life from death!  Could there be any more of a clear
proof that he really is the Great Rimmer!" exalted Duchess.
     "Calm down, man!" cried Cat.  "I think she's starting to salivate! Ooh!" 
     "Yes, please calm down, Duchy.  It's only a theory," condescended Rimmer.
     "No, she's really going to have kids!  The mutation thing's the only
theory!" pointed out Duchess.
     "Well, any other bright ideas?" asked Rimmer.
     "Here's another one.  You see, you all seem to forget that Charlie is a
programmer.  Maybe she found a way to make holograms reproduce independently -
after all she did do quite a lot of experimenting on you two the last two years,"
said Holly.
     "Me?  You're saying I did it myself?  No way!  I mean, I know we're
desperate, but even if I knew I was getting married, I couldn't have come up with
such a program.  Maybe one for reproducing similar personalities through Holly
-but not computer-independents!  It takes someone with much more creativity than
me to do something like that!"  Charlie was surprised at the very idea.
     "Well, Holly did have a point.  After all, you did do amazing things with
our 'H's, not to mention various other even stranger things!  But I believe you
-even you couldn't have come up with this!" admitted Arnie.
     "So that's that.  We have possibly mutated, possibly normal computer-
independent hologram kids who'll be coming out in the next nine months -
congratulations, man - for once I almost wish I was you!" exclaimed Lister.  "You
know kids were a major part of my big dream."
     "I know.  And you'll get yours soon enough."  Rimmer smiled at Juliet.
     "Not with me, he isn't!" yelled Juliet.
     "We'll see!" smirked Cat.
     "So after that explosion, when's the real one coming?" asked Rimmer.  "And
for that matter, exactly how long until these bundles of joy reach the air?"
     "To answer your last question first, the twin girls should be completely
gestated and on their way out in exactly eight months, one week, two days, and
twenty hours - that is, if they're on time.  If these are at all like human
babies, you can expect a possible variance of two weeks either way," lectured
Holly.    
     "Great!  We'll have to get the baby clothes and food ready!" exclaimed
Charlie.  "By the way - will they be able to create holograms out of thin air
right away?"
     "No.  I think they'll be dependent on you two for the first year at least."
     "This should be fun!  Imagine Rimmer feeding the baby at two in the morning
or Charlie changing hologrammatic nappies!  This should be really fun!  And, best
of all - none of us can babysit!  They're stuck with them for life!" exalted
Lister, prancing around the Drive Room.
     "Don't get so worked up!"  Rimmer frowned at him.  "Who says they can't
touch you or any of them?  After all, they have the potentiality of carnality! 
Besides, all that work would be well worth it if I could get them married off to
Jim and Bexley!"
     "I told you once, I'll tell you again - even if they can, they're not
marrying my kids!"
     "Why not?" asked Charlie.  "They're my kids, too, after all!"
     "But any part of him," he pointed at Rimmer, "is too much."
     "You may think differently once they're here," said Rimmer.
     "I doubt it," said Lister.
     "By the way, Holly, you airhead, I asked you when the bomb was to blow!"
yelled Rimmer.
     "It'll blow in exactly fifty-six seconds," said Holly.
     "Let's get ready then."
     The carnals and androids moved their chairs to get as close as possible to
the big screen.  The holograms, who were taller than most anyway, got a good view
from standing behind Duchess and Juliet, the shortest people there.  When they
were all ready, Holly said, "Here it comes!" and blinked off.
     On the big screen, a small part of the star-filled sky was shown.  "So
when's it gonna happen?" asked Duchess.
     "Exactly twenty-two seconds," said Holly over the picture.
     "This sure is boring!" cried Cat.
     "I'd say!" yelled Duchess.
     "Shut up!" glared Cat.
     "Will you guys be quiet!" ordered Rimmer.
     "How long?" asked Charlie.
     Holly voiced over the starry picture, "Exactly eight seconds."
     Then, in front of their eyes, near one of the smaller stars in the picture
something all of the sudden became brighter than anything they'd ever seen (with
the possible exception of the Rimmers, who had seen a nuclear blast head-on). 
They all blinked instinctively and so none of them were blinded.
     "That was quite a blast!" cried Cat.
     "Greatest bomb I've seen in a while!" exclaimed Lister.
     As they watched, once the initial blast was over, the star seemed to take
up most of the screen.  "That's quite a supernova!" exalted Kryten, who had
actually seen one blow before.  "Are you sure we're out of range of the blast?"
     "Perfectly sure," said Holly.
     Right after she said that, the ship rocked just as it had a few minutes
before they had first caught the Blue Giant.  It threw Cat and Lister off their
chairs forward, into the control panel, which they slid down.  Kryten and Poppins
bumped heads and crashed straight onto their chairs.  Juliet and Duchess were
thrown backwards, right through the Rimmers, who immediately fainted right
through them and landed on the floor.
     "Is everyone all right?" asked Kryten, getting up as the tremor stopped.
     "I'm fine," said Lister.
     "I'll get up right away," said Juliet.  "Sorry about that, Arnie."
     "No problem," said Rimmer as Juliet got off him and they all proceeded to
right their chairs.  Rimmer picked up Charlie and they resumed their place behind
Juliet and Duchess's chairs, but this time they were much further back.
     On the screen, the blast was still going, but it was starting to dissipate.
     "I never knew five hundred bombs could effect something a light-year away,"
said Charlie.
     "Neither did I," said Holly.  "Sorry about that - should've stayed at Warp
Ten a little longer, but I wasn't sure the ship could handle it."
     "You did O.K., Holly," said Juliet, "but tell me, did we get any gamma
rays?"
     "We only got the shock-wave.  The gamma rays were dissipated at about the
half-light-year mark," sighed Holly.
     The explosion seemed to continue on its own.  They heard a rumbling for the
next half-hour as the shock-wave finally dissipated ten light-years the other
way.  "I must say, that was a brutal explosion!" exclaimed Lister.  "I think we
should get rid of the rest of the bombs!"
     "I'm with you, buddy," agreed Cat.  "Especially since the rest are neutron-
bombs and we could have another accident!"
     "Right on!" cried Charlie.  "We'll time-blow the rest of the bombs from
thirty light-years away, so we'll be O.K.  But for now, wasn't that beautiful?"
     "Awesome!  Almost as awesome as the fact that I'm going to be someone - or
some two's father!" smiled Rimmer.
     "I don't think we could've done a better show," pointed out Juliet.
     "Unless it was the Fourth of July," said Poppins.
     "True, the fireworks were splendid - worthy of an overdone American
spectacle!" smiled Rimmer.  "But they're nothing compared to the fireworks that
are going to hit the world when the new Rimmer children come into it in a little
over eight months, right Charlie?"
     "Yeah," smiled Charlie.  "What d'you think of Christina Chapel and Heather
Alexandra as names?"
     They all turned around and looked at her with the funny smiles people give
expectant mothers on their faces as the world's greatest explosion started its
finale on the screen in front of her.#