STAR TREK (the next generation) MEETS RED DWARF

[Shot of outside of Enterprise]

Picard: Captains log stardate 4/4704.3. We are in orbit around the outpost
Ciety Alpha 12, some rather dubious circumstances surround this
mission, with neither starfleet nor myself knowing little of the
situation, other that a strange glowing hole has appeared in the
starfield.

[Cut to bridge, Picard is in his chair, Riker is leaning on the arm of his
chair, Worf is at his post, Geordi is at Science Station 5, and Data and
Wesley are on the Helm.
]

Picard: Mr. Data, any change?

Data: No change as of yet, sir, although I am getting a message from the
planet saying that they are getting a great suntan from the glow.
It would appear that the hole is giving off all forms of
electromagnetic radiation, as well as various gasses, mostly
methane.

Picard: Any sign of audio waves?

Data: No sir, the gasses are not transferring any sound.

Riker: (Smirking) Silent but violent !

Data: (Turns his head inquisitively) Sir ?

Riker: Never mind Data, just an old childish joke.

Data pauses for a second and then

Data: Ah yes [He stands] a reference to the exhaustion of gasses from...

Picard: Yes, thank you mister Data, I think we get the picture.

Data: Yes sir. [He takes his seat and presses various buttons]

Geordi: Sir, I'm getting a strong change in frequency from the hole... Sir
it's changing color !!!

Picard: Data, do you agree?

Data: Yes sir, it would appear that it is indeed changing color.

Picard: On screen [Worf presses buttons and the screen shows the hole
changing color
]

[Cut to outside, showing the hole which was previously yellow changing to
red
]

[Fade to black, run opening credits]

[Fade back in to show hole changing colour, and then switch to the bride;
Jupiter mining ship Red Dwarf
]

[Rimmer, Cat, Lister and Kryten are stood staring at a view screen which
shows the inside of the hole, ILM are strutting their funky stuff
]

Rimmer: ALIENS ! I knew it, Aliens.

Lister: Shut the smeg up Rimmer, Shut up.

Kryten: [To cat]Sir, unlikely as it may seem, the singular act of plugging
your super deluxe hair dryer into the control room power supply has
put us in a space/time hole, and I feel that I must say that I think
that you are a complete SMEEEG HEERRD.

Cat: Well, if you'd wired up some decent sockets in my room, not ones that
go "VIIISST" every time you use one then everything would be OK.

Lister: Look, what does it matter how we got here, we're here now anyway.

Cat: Yeah, he's right, at least the view outside matches my suit. [He
spins
]

Holly: Hang about, I'm picking something up.

Lister: What is it Hol?

Holly: Well either its a hyper-light speed battle cruiser, or its some sand
stuck in the scanner.

Rimmer: Aliens, See I told you !

Lister: For the last time, shut the SMEG up.

Holly: Uh oh, I was wrong, it's only a highly descructive photon torpedo
probe.

Rimmer: I knew it, it's the body snatchers, they come to your house trying to
sell a set of Encyclopedia Galacticas and then VOOOM there goes your
face.

Cat: Yeah, their motto is "They came, They saw, They stole your ass."

Holly: Hang about, we've got a message.

Lister: [Pressing buttons] Lob it up Hol.

[The screen fizzes and Picard appears]

Picard: This is captain Jean Luc Picard of the federation starship
Enterprise, Please identify yourself.

Lister: Smeggin' Hell, they're human, we've come through a time hole.

Cat: Was that a woman I saw in the background ?

Kryten: This is very strange, The Enterprise was just in the design stages
when we left earth, about 4 years ago, but it would not have been
commisioned for another 6 years, and I'm sure it used to be green !

Holly: I s'pose that we could have come back just after the Enterprise was
commisioned, Say 11 years after we left.

Kryten: Of course, it was not the Enterprise that was green, it was the
Romulan Bird of Prey. Sorry sir my memory ship seems to have become
momentarily dislocated.

[Lister hits Kryten over the head with Cats hair-dryer.]

Kryten: Thank you sir, I needed that.

Cat: My hair-dryer!!!... Oh never mind.... it was fried by Plastic Percy's
wiring anyway.

MESSAGE SCREEN:"I repeat this is Jean Luc Picard do you understand us?"

Lister: Hol open hollering frequencies.

Rimmer: That's hailing frequencies [whilst putting hand down over face]

Lister: I knew that smeg head

Holly: Okay Dave hailing frequencies open, s'funny that saying open when you
mean on, I mean who invented that anyway, what a weirdo.

Lister: YO!! matey how's it hangin'??

Picard: Who are you?

Lister: I'm .......

[Lister gets pushed off by the impatient Rimmer]

Rimmer: [saluting] Greetings captain, the name's Rimmer, Arnold J. Rimmer,
space adventurer and part time technician.

Cat: Yeah and I'm a Gargle beast from Traal who can only say the word
vicarage every second Tuesday.

Rimmer: Shut up, Cat.

[Cut to bridge of Enterprise]
Picard: [To data] give me an intelligence scan....

Data: The only intelligence there is the rats, if my scanners are right,
although there is also a human, a cat type organism, and an unknown
creature at the other end of the ship. From the data available, the
other organism seems to be a shape changer, a genetic mutation from
some years back.

Picard: Quit finished with the lecture Data?

Data: I still have 5 hours of data left at human speed sit.

Picard: OFF..[Data Slumps into a crumpled mess]

Riker: How can you do that sir?

Picard: Emergency measure, for switching of blabbering robots.

Riker: I want him on! [He smirks]

Picard: Stop smirking Riker. Data stays off until we need him.

Lister: (on screen) Hey dudes, what date is it?

Picard: Stardate 4/4704.3

Lister: (on screen) Ok matey cut the crap. I want the date, the whole date,
and nothing but the date. In English ok?

Picard: errrrrr......Data?

Riker: You switched him off, sir.

Picard: ON

Data: As I was saying I have more than 5 hours of ata at..

Picard: Shut UP! Good. Now tell me the A.D. Date.

Data: April the 3rd 2447 sir, to the best of my knowledge.

Lister: (on screen) Thank you. Now kindly piss off.

Picard: I can't do this, we haven't had the first commercial break yet!

Data: Inquiry...'Piss off' sir?

Picard: Ancient Colourful Metaphor.

Data: Oh..A slang word describing the action of...

Picard: OFF


Commercial Break....
People start trying to sell you the holiday of the life time, it will only
put the first national bank in hock if you borrow from them, and an even
bigger bill if you make it back.
The special offer on space weetabix, the best way to fill your space suit,
from top and bottom at the same time.



[Fade back to Enterprise, The Red Dwarf is now fully trough the time hole, and
is making the Enterprise look slightly small.
]

Picard: Captain's log, Supplemental. We have encountered what would appear to
be an almost totally deserted Jupiter mining vessel. The remaining crew,
namely a human, a cat like humanoid, similar to those from Cattia 5, an
android and a hologram, who claims to be Captain Arnold J. Rimmer, Space
adventurer, and their slightly erratic computer, all seem to be friendly
enough, although the contact we have had with them seems to be little more
than an insult throwing session.

[Fade to bridge of Enterprise]

Picard: Mister Data [He pauses] Oh Hell...ON..

Data: ...urinating.....Sir what happened, I seem to have missed something.

Picard: Don't worry it was only the adverts. Open hailing frequencies to the
Red Dwarf

Worf: Aye Sir [He pressed buttons]

Computer: Feeeeedle squirdge

Worf: Hailing frequencies open sir.

Picrad: Captain Rimmer...

[Rimmer appears on the screen with a stupid Napoleon costume on, His H sign
has been recently polished and catches the light shining it into Picard's
eyes.
]

Rimmer: Yes Captain Picard, what do you want, I was just about to show my
telegraph pole photograph collection to Kryten.

Picard: [shading his eyes and wincing at the thought of the photos] We should
like you to beam over and join us in our visitors suite.

Rimmer: The transporterbeam won't work with me.

Picard: [under his breath] Thank god!

Rimmer: [continuing] But we will come over in our Starbug shuttle, Is there
anything else you want us to bring, you know, spare warp drive command
module, Bazzookoids, you name it.....

Picard: That won't be necessary thank you, although your personnel file would
be useful to prepare for your arrival.

Rimmer: Okie Dokie, I'll get Holly to send 'em over.
[He salutes again, and presses a holo-button]

Seconds pass....Rimmer's image is still on the screen, frantically pressing
hologramatic buttons.

Rimmer: How the hell do you turn this smeg pile off.

Data: I believe the button that you are looking for is to your right.

Rimmer: This one ?

Data: No, down a bit.

Rimmer: This one ?

Data: No, next to the thrextron oscillator switch.

Rimmer: Ah....Which one's that?

Picard: Data....

Data: Sir?

Picard: Hurry up, Data.

Data: Ah, I have an idea [He presses lots of buttons] Red Dwarf Computer
Access Code 12D53Q6.3

[Holly appears in the top right hand corner of the screen]

Holly: Oi, What was the idea of waking me up, I was just having a snooze. Who
are you anyway....'ere, you're an android aren't you?

Data: No, I'm an Eggplant....[getting very annoyed] why does everybody ask me
that.

Picard: Data!

Data: Yes Sir...Computer...

Holly: That's Holly to you.

Data: Okay, Holly Turn off Captain Rimmer's Sub-Space terminal.

Rimmer: Oi, I'm getting there.

Holly: Captain..[laughing] CAPTAIN, Oh no he's just...

Rimmer: I've got it. [He presses the button and the screen goes blank.]

Entire Enterprise bridge crew: Thank God for that.

Worf: Captain, The crew-data files are being downloaded now.

Picard: Good, Riker, take the com. I'll be in my room.

[switch to Lister's room, Red Dwarf. lister is on his bunk bed, Rimmer is at
the table and Cat is by the micro-chef
]

Lister: So, let me get this straight Rimmer. You said that you were a
Captain, and a space explorer, and that we would go over to the Enterprise and
be brain washed into being nice little star fleet crew members by their
constant babble....No thanks.

Rimmer: No, I said I was a Space Adventurer not space explorer.

Cat: Think that we're lucky that he didn't call himself Admiral.

[Kryten enters the room]

Kryten: Excuse me, sirs, but we have just received a message from the
Enterprise asking for us to come over. They seem to have no record of Mister
Rimmer, for some strange reasong their computer only had the message "Mind
your own smegging bussiness" in his data area.

Lister: I wonder why [He jumps down from the bunk and walks towards the room]
So Captain, what'll we do now.

Rimmer: Well, we go over there and meet them.

Cat: Yeah, and maybe we can meet some women too..

Lister: Last one to Starbug 1 is a total Spud Brain.

[They all bundle out the door. Cut to Starbug 1 interior. Kryten is at the
controls, Rimmer is in the back rehearing a greeting speech, Cat is brushing
his hair in front of the mirror on the inside of a locker, and Lister is
spraying his socks with a spray can.
]

Cat: [To Lister] Hey buddy, are you expecting to meet somebody?

Lister: Yeah, i hope so.

Cat: Well, I hope they like fly spray.

Lister: Why? [He stops, and looks at the can] OH SMEG.

Cat laughs

Kryten: [Pressing buttons] This is Starbug 1 Shuttle from Jupiter mining
craft Red Dwarf, are we cleared for entry.

Enterprise:This is engineer P. B. Smedley you are cleared to land in bay 2.
Do you want a tractor beam lock.

Rimmer: No, we can manage perfectly thank you.

Kryten: But sir.

Rimmer: Bring her around Kryten.

Kryten: But...

Rimmer: Just do it Kryten.

Kryten: [Reluctantly] Yes Sir, mister Rimmer sir.
[Switch to outside view, The Starbug's thrusters fire and power it towards
the Enterprise's docking area.
]

Rimmer: Right now turn left a bit..
[Kryten pulls left on the joystick]
Rimmer: No, no... right a bit
[Kryten pulls right, the Enterprise looms nearer]
Rimmer: Right, now pull up a bit.
[Kryten pulls up]
Rimmer: Ah... Perfect, lower landing gear Kryten.

Kryten: But sir, the landing gear is fixed in position.

Rimmer: Ah, yes Kryten, I was just checking to see if you knew.

Kryten: [If he was capable of sighing he would] Yes Sir.

[Switch to outside view, the starbug is powering towards the docking bay]

[switch to Enterprise bridge]
Wesley: Captain, sir.

Picard: Yes Wesley, what is it now ?

Wesley: It's the Starbug

Picard: What's that, some type of medical jargon that you picked up from your
mother ?

Wesley: No sir, it's the Red Dwarfs Shuttle.

Picard: Oh, what about it ?

Wesley: It's on a collision course for the docking bay roof.

Picard: WHAT.......Worf sound red alert, get a fire crew to docking bay 2.

Worf: But sir, we haven't got any fire crews on this ship, we have got
security squads, shall I send them ?

Picard: [Putting his face in his hands] I don't care, send the ship's cat !

Worf: But it's not qualified sir !

Wesley: The starbug will hit in approximately 10 seconds.

Data: Sir, may I suggest a Fire SQUAD be sent to the docking bay ?

Picard: But Worf said we don't have a fire squad.

Worf: No sir, I said we don't have a fire CREW !!!

Picard: Send the Fire People, I don't care what they are called. [shouting]
JUST SEND THEM NOW !!!!!

Geordi: ARRRGGGGGHHHH

Picard: What was that ?

Geordi: Tension breaker, It had to be done !
[Switch to Starbug]

Kryten: Sir If you don't let me alter the present course soon we will crash into the
docking bay ceiling.

[Lister enters the cockpit]

Lister: [looks out the windscreen] PUSH DOWN KRYTEN NOW

Kryten: But sir, master Rimmer told me to stay on this course.

Lister: I don't care. [He jumps forward, through Rimmer and pushes forwards
on the joystick
]

[switch to outside view, the Starbug smashes head first into the docking bay
floor, bounces, hits the ceiling and removes the well battered tail
]

[Switch to inside of Starbug, Cat is sitting, upside down in the
locker, Lister is lying on the floor, Rimmer is shaking his head in disgust
and Kryten is still sat in his seat
]

[Kryten comes round]

Kryten: Oh, my goodness

Rimmer: Nice one Kryten, Good landing.... I'm sure there is a little room
for improvement in that manoevre, but altogether not bad, I mean, at least
one of us is still alive !

Kryten: I'm S S S S S Sorry S S S S Sir... Excuse me
[he bashes his head]
HEAD: QUOOOOGWEEEP
Kryten: Ah That's better, my guilt mode went into over load and it shorted
out my voice module.

[Lister comes round]
Lister: Smeg, I feel like I have just eaten a hand grenade vindaloo. What
happened man?

Rimmer: Kryten here decided to play skipping stones with the Starbug, He
actually managed a "THREE", some kind of galactic record, In fact I think I
shall call up the Guiness book of records right now.

Lister: Shut up, I mean you gave the order to stay on course, "Left a bit,
right a bit...Perfect" Yeah perfect to get us all killed.

[Cat comes round, and a scutter bleeps back on-line]

Cat: Woaah, That was not a good move.

Lister: What, you mean I should have left us to crash into the wall ?

Cat: No...Hell I don't care about that...I mean these socks, [he lifts his
foot
] With this shirt [He opens his jacket]

Rimmer: Wait a minute. [to Lister] Are you telling me that YOU practically
wiped us out.

Lister: Yeah, but it was better than your docking attempt with the wall !

Rimmer: So...

[There is a knocking on the door]
DOOR: KNOCK KNOCK
[See I told you !]

Worf's voice: Come out with your hands up you Human Bastards

Riker's voice: Worf, they are visitors, FRIENDLY visitors !!

Worf's voice: Well if these are friends, I'd hate to see the enemies.

Lister: Hol...

Holly: [holly appears with an ice bag on her head] Strewth,
What a headache, I feel like I have druk 20000 gin and tonics, with out the
tonic !

Lister: Open the door Kryten.

Kryten: [Presses buttons]Sir, the door appears to be jammed.

[Cat, Lister and Rimmer all look at Kryten.]

Lister: Well we do need something about 6 foot long with a flat top.

Kryten: Oh no, not again !

[switch to outside of starbug, the docking bay is totalled, Worf, Riker and a
security squad are all standing by the door. Suddenly the door bursts off
it's hinges
]

Worf: [drawing his phaser/dustbuster] Freeze
[Cat and Lster, who were using Kryten as a battering ram drop him on the
floor and put their hands up. Rimmer steps out from behind them
]

Rimmer: At ease, I am Captain Arnold J. Rimmer, Commander of the RED DWARF

Riker: What does the 'J' stand for ?

Lister: Nothing, he just added it to make his name sound less dorky.

Rimmer: [Changing the subject] So, are you the captain? [to Riker]

Riker: [Smirking] No, I am just the first officer, the captain is on the
bridge commanding the starship.

Cat: Hey buddy, I don't know who does your wardrobe, but I think it would be
better with ot the stupid trousers, and ou should make it more shiney like
this. [He spins and the light catches the 50000 sequins on his jacket and
blinds everyone
]

Everyone: ARRRGGGGGH

Lister: Don't do that man, or at least warn us so that we can put on our
shades.

Riker: If you would follow me, I will show you to the hospitality suite where
we shall dine.

Lister: Brutal

[Fade to black and the adverts]

'Ere they've 'Ad their Weetabix......etc

New persil, much better than the old persil, even though we have made
absolutely no cahnges in the formula what so ever !

That awful SEALINK advert with the crap sound effects

MARVIN THE ANDROID, YOUR PLASTIC PAL WHO'S FUN TO BE WITH


[Fade to Enterprise in orbit around the small orange planet, with RED DWARF
in the background
]

Picard's voice: Captains Log supplemental. The visitors from the RED DWARF
are enjoying out hospitality suite, the hole in space from which they came
has now closed, apparently they cannot go back. We are still unaware of the
reason why the timehole appeared in the first place.
[Switch to hospitality suit]

Lister: [To Autocook Food Synthsizer] Yo, I'd like a drink please

AutoCook: Water, Orange squash, Limeade or Lemonade ?

Lister: Well, I was thinking of something a little stronger.

Autocook: Ah... How about coffee, De-caf ofcourse.

Lister: No, I mean something with a little kick.

Autocook: How about a Donkey Juice... Get it..DONKEY juice......Oh never mind

[Geordi walks up behind Lister]

Geordi: Sorry about that, we stopped off at the planet MUPP-ET a few days ago
and the autocooks haven't been the same since.

Lister: Oh right...Listen autocook, I want a Large Lager and a hamburger NOW,
or else I will get Rimmer to demonstrate his telegraph pole photo collection.

Autocook: BLLEEEEP....Please Wait, processing order

Geordi: That's great, I wish I'd thought of that !

Lister: [Sticks out his hand] Dave Lister

Geordi: [takes his hand and shakes it] Geordi La Forge

Lister: Pleased to meet you, man. The guy over there in the brutal suit is
Cat[He points to Cat], the dork's name is Rimmer, but you already know that,
and the Mechanoid is Kryten.

Bob the Skutter: BLLEP-BLOOOOOOP SQUIRGGE

Lister: Yeah, OK, this is Bob, the skutter !

Geordi: Hi there Bob.

Bob: BLOOPLE-SQUIRGGLE

DOOR: PPPPPSSSSSSSSHHHHHHhhh

[Data enters]

DOOR: PPPPPSSSSSSSSHHHHHHhhh

Geordi: Data, come over and meet the visitors.

[Pan across room to Rimmer and Kryten]

Rimmer: Kryten, who is that guy over there with the yellow skin, is he ill or
something ?

Kryten: I believe, Sir, that that is Leutenant Commander DATA, an android
with a positronic brain. In many ways he is similar to myself, except for the
fact that my brain is merely electronic.

Rimmer: Ah, ... don't look, he's looking this way.

[Pan back to Data, Geordi and Lister, Bob has skuttled off to find something to do.]

DOOR: PPPPSSSSSHHHHHHHhhh

[Wesley enters]

Wesley: [Pulls Data away from others] Data, why has that man over there got a square head?
Has he had an accident?

Data: I believe, Wes, that that is a series 2000 Mechanoid. I thought they
were extinct six years ago.

Wesley: Extinct? But I thought that Androids and Robots and things like that can't die.

Data: We can't but we can be de-commisioned and shut down. Until about 5
years ago, the main cybernetics manufacturers, such as the Series Cybernetics
Corporation who's androids were all called MARVIN, and for some strange
reason were all paranoid, set a clause into their robots so that after 25
years or so they would automatically power down and be superseded by the new
model. Thankfully this is no longer socially acceptable and was outlawed by
the federation.

Wesley: Oh, so how come he is still on-line, so to speak ?

Data: I have to admit, I do not know !

[Switch to Bridge]

Troi: Sir, I sense a great load of guilt from Captain Rimmer, as if he is
lying about something.

[Holly appears on the screen]

Holly: Allright, how's it going ?

Picard: What are you doing on my screen ?

Holly: Well, I couldn't help overhearing what was being said about a certain
hologram, and well, I think that he might told you a miner porky pie.

Picard: Can we have his real ID please, computer ?

Holly: Oi, I do have a name you know.

Picard: [Sighs] Why do I put up with this ?

Troi: It is your duty as a Starfleet Captain.

Picard: Come on then, what would you like me to call you?

Holly: Well, Holly is my name, but my friends call me Holly !

Picard: Well... Holly, can we have the real personal file for Captain Rimmer ?

Holly: [Sniggering] He abviously lied more than I thought ! It'll take me
about [She hits her head on the screen 3 times] three seconds to find out the
right diskrecord !

Picard: Ok, Picard out.

[Worf presses buttons and Holly disappears]

Picard: [Presses badge]

Badge: BLLEP BLLEP

Picard: Geordi, can you tell me what is wrong with their crazy computer ?

Geordi's voice: I don't know Captain, but Kryten the Mechanoid is here, I
could ask him!

Picard: Good, bring him up here to the bridge.

Geordi's voice: Shall I bring the others up too ?

Picard: Well you can bring the Cat-creature, and um, what's his name...
Blister or something, but do not.. I repeat DO NOT bring the hologram !

Geordi's voice: Yes sir.

[Switch to hospitality suit]

Geordi: [To Lister, Kryten and Cat] If you would come with me, Captain Picard
wants to see you. Captain Rimmer, Lt. O'Blighty here will show you the Warp
Drive.

Rimmer: [To Lister, Cat and Kryten] Ha ha, now I get the tour and all you get
is to meet the Captain... See you later lowly smeg heads.

[Lt. O'Blighty leads Rimmer towards the door]

DOOR: FFFFFFFFSSSSSSSssshhh

[Rimmer and O'Blighty leave the room]

Geordi: Well that took care of him !

Cat: So, how come he gets the preferential treatment ? I mean, what are
we ... Millway supporters or something ?

Geordi: On the contrary, it is you that is getting the preferential
treatment, Lt. O'Blighty is the most obnoxious, boring , most annoying officer
on this entire Starship.

Lister: Oh. Well they should get on well than.

[They walked over to the door, it opens with the usual FFFFFFFSSSSSssshhh noise
and they leave along with Wesley and Data.
]

[Cut to the bridge, everyone is in their normal places and Holly is on the
screen.
]

Picard: Troi, what do you think of the rest of the Red Dwarf crew ?

Troi: [smiling] Well, the Liverpudlian is quit nice, although I hear there is a
strange fly spray smell around him.

Picard: That's not what I meant !

Troi: Oh, well the Cat-creature is extremely vain and egotistical, he appears
to care only for his appearance. The Mechanoid is just eager to please,
although I sense a deep sense of humour. And Lister is reasonably kind and
generous in his own sort of way, but he does not respond well to authority.

Riker: You can tell all of that without even meeting them?

Troi: Well, unlike some of us, I have READ THE SCRIPT !!!!!

DOOR: FFFFFFFSSSSSSSssssshhhh

[Lister, Cat, Kryten, Geordi, Data and Wesley all burst out of the turbo
lift
]

Kryten: Oh my heavens, it was tight in there !

Cat: Yeah, I'll neaver eat sardines again.

Data: I have to admit, it was rather void of free space.

Picard: Welcome to the USS Enterprise. I am Captain Jean Luc Picard, this is
my first officer [He points to Riker], this is my councillor Troi [He points to
Troi (amazing)
] and I believe that you have already met Security officer Worf.

Lister: Yeah, you could say that.

[Riker smirks]

Geordi: I believe there was something you wished to ask Kryten, Captain.

Picard: Ah yes. Tell me Kryten, why is it that your artificially intelligent
computer with a supposed I.Q. of 6000 is so stupid ?

Kryten: Well It is my theory that she is sufferin from an extremely advanced
form of computer senility, It is in fact just bad sectors on her 30000000Gb
Hard disk System, but over 3 million years of continuous use, I believe that
there are quite a lot of them.

Picard: How many ?

Kryten: ...Well...

Data: I calculate approximately 29999999Gb worth sir, Which would leave her
with only 1 Gb of memory and system space available fto operate on. Seeing as
the A.I. System takes 900 Megabytes this only leaves her with 100 Megabytes
memory space, Hence her present I.Q. of about 12.

Picard: [Covering his face] Oh god, now I have two babbling androids to
contend with !

Kryten: I'm sorry sir, but I resent the insinuation that I was babbling.

Data: So do I.

Cat: Would you please get on with the story before we are all to old to be
able to be in it.

Lister: Yeah I agree, lets cut the cryto-fashist crap and do something about
Holly's problem !

Picard: [looking up] Is there something we can do?

[At this point wesley and Data walk across the room and sit at the Helm. The
two that were previously there leave via the "back door" (You know the one
behind Worf
)
]

Kryten: Well, If I may be permitted to speak.

Picard: Go on then [and then he mumbles] I know I'll regret this.

Kryten: As Mister Rimmer's hologram projector and memory works fine after 3000000 years of use, I must assume that the problem is non-physical, and just
a question of the drive's formatting coming undone, where as the actual data
tracks are perfectly intact.

Riker: Uh Huh [smirking and leaning on his chair arm]

Kryten: ...In which case If we can somehow fix the file allocation tables on
the boot sector, Holly would have her proper memory and IQ restored.

Riker: Right!! ... What did you say after hologram ?

Picard: Shut up number 1.

Wesley: I can do it. I can do it.

Everyone: SHUT UP WESLEY

Data: Sir, I believe that there is a piece of software on release that can
perform that function.

Wesley: I know what it is. I know what it is.....Lemmi say it Data.. G on
Lemmi.. please !

Data: It is calles Norton Disk Doctor version 300.01

Wesley: AAaawwwww I wanted to say it.

Picard: Shut up Wesley or I will demote you to toilet cleaner.

Geordi: We don't have toilets, do we sir?

Picard: Ofcourse we do.

Geordi: [turning away and looking embarassed] And all this time I used the
garbage disposal chute.

Picard: Data, do we have this software on the ship?

Data: I do not know sir.

Picard: Worf, search the computer inventory for a Norton Disk Doctor 300.01

Worf: Aye sir.

Picard: Until we find it, would you like a tour of the ship?[He turns to
Lister, Cat and Kryten
]

Lister: Now that's more like it.

Cat: Yeah, tell me Captain, do you have any tailors on board ?

Picard: Yes we have the best tailors in the galaxy.

Cat: AAoooww Lets go buddy.

DOOR: FFFFSSSSssshhh

[Picard, Cat, Lister and Kryten enter the Turbo Lift]

Picard: Number 1, you have the com.

Door: FFFFSSSSssshhh

[Cut to outside of Enterprise, Play some music, then cut to Rimmer and
O'Blighty, still in the main engine room
]

O'Blighty: And then the Klingon said:"What Tribble".....Hah ha ha ha ha ha ha
[He can't stop laughing]

Rimmer: Oh yes that's right you silly Irish git, It's bore Rimmer to
death day, Everyone got up this morning and said:"What shall we do today? Oh
I know lets go and Bore Arnold Rimmer, he's good for a laugh."

O'Blighty: Oh yeah, then this other bloke came in, he was a Romulan, and said
"OK who nicked the hatstand." Ha ha ha ha ha [He cracks up again]

Rimmer: Good grief

[Bob the skutter whizzes past followed by a football sized tribble wearing
deely boppers
]

Rimmer: Well, there's something you don't see everyday.

[Switch to turbo lift entrance out side holodeck 3]

DOOR: PPPPPPPFFFFFFSSSSSssssshhhhh... Crunk

[Picard, Cat, Lister and Kryten all come out of the lift]

Picard: [pressed badge] Egineering, get someone up to holodeck 3 to fix the
turbolift door.

Voice on badge: Yes sir, we will as soon as we sort out a minor problem that
we have down here.

Picard: Who are you, and what is the problem ?

Voice: This is J.J.Whittleschnide, Third Technician. We have a problem with a
rather large Tribble wearing deely boppers. It hasn't done anythin' yet, it
just keeps running around after a skutter.

Picard: Ok, infrom me of any developments, Picard out.

Lister: So what's this pace then ?

Picard: This is a holodeck. In it any data can be transformed into matter in
the forms of any place, person or object anywhere, as long as we have the
simulation.

Lister: So say if I had an urge to go to a nudist beach in the south of Spain ?

Picard: You could effective go there, although you would be confined to the
size of the holodeck.

Cat: So, what is it ?

Picard: I just told you, it transforms nothing into anything you want by
altering it's molecular structure.

Cat: Ah [He turns to Kryten] So what is it?

Kryten: Well it converts places objects or people stored as data in
cyberspace into real living breathing beings.

Cat: Ah [He turns to Lister] So what is it ?

Lister: It's a magic room.

Cat: Well, why didn't you say so.

Picard: We did !

[He presses some buttons on the wall]

Picard: Computer, set program to simulate Earth, ummm.

Computer: Place not recognised, please be more specific.

Lister: [Looks at Picard]

Picard: Go ahead.

Lister: Earth, Engliand, Liverpooll, Carley's Disco Palace, Date 12 march
2434, about 9pm.

Computer: Please wait, program initialising.

[From the holodeck there are lots of strange hissing noises and whirs]

Computer: Program complete, please enter.

Holodeck doors:CLWOOOOOOOORAAAAAAAARR

Kryten: Hmm, an interesting noise, sort of a cross between a shooosh and a
clooooooaaar.

Cat: [Walking in] Hey this reminds me of the Better Than Life total immersion
game we played a few years ago.

Lister: Yeah, except this is real.

[They all enter. It is a loud disco with lots of people all dancing and
jigging around. Extremely loud Stock Aitkin and watercress style music is
blaring from the PA
]

Picard: I'm curious to why you chose this date and time and this place. I
must say it does not seem to suit your style.

Lister: Well it's where Chrissy Kachanski used to hang out, and I know for a
fact that she was here on this night, at about 9.

Picard: Chrissy Who ?

Cat: His girlfriend before the accident.

Picard: Accident ?

Kryten: You mean you don't know yet ? Well the enite crew of the Red Dwarf
was wiped out by a nuclear explosion caused by faulty work to the drive plate
by a certain Mister Rimmer. Christine Kachanski was the Communications
Officer, Lister here was a Third Level Technician and Mister Rimmer was a
second level technician, not a captain as he told you.

Lister: Kryten...

Kryten: I'm sorry sir, I guess that I have not got the knack of lying just
yet !

Picard: So how do you and the Cat fit in ? And how did Lister here survive ?

Kryten: Well, Master David here was safely in a status booth for bringing his
cat aboard at the time of the explosion, and he was revived by Holly 3
million years later. Now Holly being quite eccentric by now revived Mister
Rimmer as a hologram to keep master David company. The Cat evolved from
Master David's original cat and I was rescued from a wrecked ship on a small
planet's moon, as were the starbugs.

Picard: Phew. I'm glad that's over with. So the hole that you came through
was a Time Hole similar to that created by using the famous "Sling-shot
effect"

Kryten: Yes, except ours was created by a faulty hairdryer.

Picard: [Slaps his forehead] Now why did I even bother asking ?

[The music changes to something more likeable]

Lister: Hey, there she is !

Cat: [Looking] Hey Buddy I take back all that I said about you having bad
taste !

Kryten: Who is that with her ?

Lister: Oh that's Rimmer's lover, Yvonne Magruder.

Picard: [Beginning to "Bop" to the music] This music is quite good !

Cat: [Spots another girl] Hey she's nice.

[The girl comes over it is Tasha Yar]

Picard: [Stunned] Leutenant is that you ?

Tasha: Watch it creep. Who the hell are you any way ?

Picard: Woa this is to weird, Computer.

Computer: Yes how may I help ?

Picard: Pause !

Computer: Program Paused !

[All the computer generated activity stops]

Cat: AAAaawwww, I was just enjoying myself !

Lister: Yeah man, what did you do that for ?

Picard: That girl was a member of my crew, until she got killes by
an intelligent oil slick, Now she is here in my holodeck talking as if she
has never met me !

Kryten: It is possible Captain, however unlikely it may seem, that she was at
this disco on the same night as we have chosen to "step into" so to speak.

Picard: That would explain why she didn't know me. Computer.

Computer: Yes

Picard: At what date did Leutenant Natasha Yar join the Enterprise.

Computer: Stardate 4/......

Picard: NO not the stardate, the AD date.

Computer: July 13th 12445 9.30 A.M.

Picard: Thank you

Computer: You're welcome !

Picard: See, we haven't even heard of each other yet, let alone met !

Badge: Bllep Bllep

[Picard presses his badge]

Picard: Picard here

Voice of Worf: Sir we have located the software you required, it is down-
loading even as we speak.

Picard: Down loading, where did you find it exactly ?

Voice of Worf: Starbase 24 kindly lent us a copy.

Picard: But that's piracy.

Voice of Worf: Yes ?

Picard: Oh, never mind, It's for a good cause.

Voice of Data: Don't worry sir, I checked with the publisher, They said it
was Ok.

Lister: That was a public service announcement. Holy Smeg, do you guys always
do everything by the book ?

Voice of Wesley: Yes because we musn't be bad.

Picard: Shut up Wesley. Computer, save program position.

Computer: Please enter filename.

Picard: Red Dwarf 1

Computer: Saving

Picard: Computer EXIT

[The holodeck doors appear from nowhere]

DOORS: RWWCCCOOOOOOOOOSSSHHH

Kryten: Hmm.

Picard: Come on let's see if we can fix your computer.

[They step into the Turbo lift]

Picard: Transporter Room

[Switch to Engineering, P.B.Smedley, O'Blighty and the other red-coats are
al running around trying to catch the tribble who is still chasing Bob the
scutter
]

Smedley: Come here you fluffy little......[He jumps at it and lands on his
chin
]

O'Blighty: Eat this [He fires his Phaser at the tribble and wipes out a small
insignificant engineer.
] OOooppss.....sorry !

Rimmer: Oh my god, they're like the keystone kops. Bob !

Bob: SQuuuurrreeep

Rimmer: STOP

[Bob squals to a halt. The tribble stops and turns into a 10 foot tall
filling cabinet
]

Everyone: Huh what the.....

[It then turn into a kebab, a lemon, a tennis racket, an HP laser jet 4, a
Sinclair ZX81, a banana, and finally Frank Bruno
]

Frank Bruno: Where's Harry ?

[He runs off round a corner and disappears]

Rimmer: Tank god that's over with. O'Blightyring what was being said about a certain
hologram, and well, I think that he might told you a miner porky pie.

Picard: Can we have his real ID please, computer ?

Holly: Oi, I do have a name you know.

Picard: [Sighs] Why do I put up with this ?

Troi: It is your duty as a Starfleet Captain.

Picard: Come on then, what would you like me to call you?

Holly: Well, Holly is my name, but my friends call me Holly !

Picard: Well... Holly, can we have the real personal file for Captain Rimmer ?

Holly: [Sniggering] He abviously lied more than I thought ! It'll take me
about [She hits her head on the screen 3 times] three seconds to find out the
right diskrecord !

Picard: Ok, Picard out.

[Worf presses buttons and Holly disappears]

Picard: [Presses badge]

Badge: BLLEP BLLEP

Picard: Geordi, can you tell me what is wrong with their crazy computer ?

Geordi's voice: I don't know Captain, but Kryten the Mechanoid is here, I
could ask him!

Picard: Good, bring him up here to the bridge.

Geordi's voice: Shall I bring the others up too ?

Picard: Well you can bring the Cat-creature, and um, what's his name...
Blister or something, but do not.. I repeat DO NOT bring the hologram !

Geordi's voice: Yes sir.

[Switch to hospitality suit]

Geordi: [To Lister, Kryten and Cat] If you would come with me, Captain Picard
wants to see you. Captain Rimmer, Lt. O'Blighty here will show you the Warp
Drive.

Rimmer: [To Lister, Cat and Kryten] Ha ha, now I get the tour and all you get
is to meet the Captain... See you later lowly smeg heads.

[Lt. O'Blighty leads Rimmer towards the door]

DOOR: FFFFFFFFSSSSSSSssshhh

[Rimmer and O'Blighty leave the room]

Geordi: Well that took care of him !

Cat: So, how come he gets the preferential treatment ? I mean, what are
we ... Millway supporters or something ?

Geordi: On the contrary, Just sit there and do nothing.

Holly: Seems easy enough.

Data: Ok can I start now ?

Riker: Go ahead.

Picard: I give the orders.

Riker: Sorry sir.

Picard: Go ahead Data.

[Data puts the disk in the disk drive]

Holly: 'Ere I hope that disk was virus checked.

Data: Of course, I did it myself !
[He starts pressing buttons. A voice comes over the system]

Voice: Norton Disk Doctor 300.01 Checking Program
Integrity..........Verified. You may call me NDD.

Lister: What is this crap ?

Picard: SSSHHHHhhh

Cat: Hey, that's a great impression of your doors.

Riker: Hush

NDD: Which drive do you wish to check ?

Picard: Um.....Data

Data: Please list options.

NDD: Drive A: 567Mb Floppy Drive, Drive B: 56Mb Floppy Disk Drive,
Drive C:Main A.I. Drive 30000000 Gigabytes.

Data: Drive C: Please

NDD: Checking Boot sector.....[WHIR WHIR] Boot sector contains a
few bad sectors, do you wish to correct the problem.

Data: Yes

NDD: Ok.......Boot sector repaired. [WHIR WHIR] Checking F.A.T.s...

Picard: What ?

NDD: File Allocation Tables Dummy !

Riker: Great, a program with an attitude problem.

NDD: I heard that ! Checking FILE ALLOCATION TABLES !!!!!
OOOOOOOOhhh my goodness these are slightly up the proverbial
creek. I suppose you want me to fix them?

Data: If you wouldn't mind.

NDD: Oh well, I've got nothing better to do, This may take a while.

Lister: Is this gonna work ?

Kryten: Well It should do, providing the problem is not physical.

Cat: And if it is ?

Data: Then I am afraid that your Holly will not be fixed and will
just continue to get worse until she is so thick that she cannot
remember how to switch her self on, and will effectively be dead !

[Fade to black..... Time for some adverts again]

The Weetabix ad' again.
The awful Capri Sun advert where the boy sticks the drinks up his
sleeves.
Radion Automatic Gets your blues whiter than white, and your pinks,
and reds
and ...
An advert for the next program.


[Fade back to picture of Enterprise and Red Dwarf]

Lister: Third Technicians Log. Well why not, everyone else seems to
do one of these so why not me? The Bald Eagle himself has zapped us
all back to the Science Lab on the Red Dwarf. Now Data the android is
attempting to fix Holly. Kryters, Cat and me, and the 1st officer old
smirk-a-lot himself are just standing watching as the NDD as it calls
itself does it's work.

[Cut to science room]
Data: How are you doing ?

NDD: About half way there now ?

Kryten: You mean after all those adverts and Master Davids attempt
at a Log entry you are only half way through ?

NDD: Well I'd be a lot faster if you lot would shut up and leave me
alone !

Picard's Badge:Bllep Bllep

[Picard presses the badge]
Picard: Yes, what is it ?

Geordi's Voice:Sir, we've got an emergency situation over here.

Picard: What is it ?

Geordi's Voice:Well sir, First Frank Bruno burst into someone's
quarters on the family decks and we have a number of people
saying that it turned into a 12 foot tall monster, not unlike those from ALIENS
and stuck this long robbery sucker thing to someone's head. That person
is now running around saying that he wants to talk and set up poster
campains to get rid of the monster.

[Lister looks at Cat, Cat looks at Kryten and then at Lister]

Lister: Oh smeg, not another one.

Picard: What do you know about this ?

Lister: It's a genetically engineered lifeform that went slightly
wrong, It's mad and feeds on emotions. It can look like anything and
changes it's shape to induce the strongest emotions in its prey.

Data: That must be the genetic mutant that we detected on our
preliminary scan of the ship.

Geordi's Voice:Well what ever it is I think we need to get it soon
before it zaps anyone else.

Picard: Understood. Picard out.

Lister: Listen, no offence but you are gonna need more than a
couple of dustbusters and a few matchbox phasers to beat this genetic
mutant.

Picard: Ok, what do you suggest ?

Lister: Follow me !

Data: Sir, I weill stay here and mind the NDD.

NDD: Oh, I can't manage by myself eh ?

Picard: Ok, so be it.

[Lister followed by Cat, Kryten, Picard and Riker all leave the
room and head off down the corridor
]

Kryten: Excuse me sir, but where are we going ?

Lister: To the armory to get bazookoids, wehre else ?

Cat: yeah, No genetic mutant is gonna get the best of the Red Dwarf
Possy !

Picard: [To Riker] I think I'm going to regret this.

Riker: Nonsense sir, I think it will be quite fun !

Picard: You've been hanging around to many Klingons, number 1.

[They reach a door marked Armory]

Lister: Open code 13223265qqxb7

[The door swings open]

Picard: How do you know that code, only the captain should know
that !

Lister: Ah well, Holly told me because she thought she might forget
it.

Riker: Ask a silly question !

Cat: Right, grab your weapon. [he takes a bazookoid and chucks it
to Picard who gingerly catches it
]

Picard: How do you use these ?

Kryten: Oh it's quite simple sir, just untag the binary lock,
adjust the thermoselector, flip the visipad and press the finger
sensi-touch switches, Ha so simple a baby could use it.

Cat: He means switch of the safety bit, twiddle this bit, look
through the target and pull the trigger when the bad dude is in sights.

Picard: Ah thank you ! Number 1 [He passes Riker a Bazookoid]

[They all have bazookoids now and Picard presses his badge]

Badge: Blip bleoooop

Picard: Damn the batteries are flat.

Riker: Don't worry sir. I'll do it [He presses his badge]

Badge: Bllep Bllep

Riker: Riker to O'Brian, Beam us over.

O'Brian's Voice:Yes Sir.

Transporter Beam:VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH

[They all disappear. Cut to transporter room on the Enterprise]

Transporter Beam:VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH

[They all re-appear]

Picard: How do we know what we are up against ?

Kryten: Well I have configured this Bazookoid that I have to act as
a tracking device to track the shape changer. It will sound
a beep when we are near.

Lister: Great, Let's go and get it.

Riker: Well it would help if we knew where to start.

Picard: Computer

Computer: Yes Captain

Picard: What is the current location of the shape changer ?

Computer: It is currently loacted on deck 4, corridor 2, heading
towards the storage deck.

Picard: Thank you.

O'Brian: I could beam you straight there if you want.

Riker: May I suggest sir, that we power up our bazookoids before we
go ?

Picard: Make it so.

[Everyone switches the big red "ON" switches]

Bazookoids:PPPIIIIZZZZZZOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIRRR

Picard: Energise

[O'Brian does his stuff]

Transporter Beam:VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH

[They disappear, Cut to storage deck]

Transporter Beam:VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH

[They all re-appear and wave their bazookoids around gingerly]

Cat: Hey, looks like we beat him here.

Lister: How do we know that it isn't one of these boxes ?

Kryten: My bleeper hasn't gone off yet, so we appear to be
relatively safe.

Bleeper: BLEEEP

Kryten: Whoops, looks like I spoke to soon !

Lister: Let's be careful ok.

Picard: Agreed.

Cat: What was that movement over there ?

Riker: It could be the alien.

[They all spin and fire... A large hole appears in the wall and
Rimmer appears from behind some boxes
]

Rimmer: What the smeg are you trying to do. Wipe out your own ship?

Lister: Yo, Rimmer, what are you doing down here ?

Rimmer: Well, thigs started to get a little hairy in engineering so
I came down here to umm...

Cat: Hide ?

Rimmer: Yes, that's it !

Picard: WAIT!.... How do we know that he is the real Capt. I mean
Technician Rimmer?

Riker: We don't

Lister: Smeg

Kryten: Might I suggest asking your computer for help ?

Picard: Good idea, Computer, what is the position of Cap..I mean
Techn.. Oh Hell. Where is Rimmer ?

Computer: Mister Rimmer is current located on deck 7 with Leutenant
O'Blighty !

Cat: Let's nuke it!

[Before any of them can fire, Rimmer/the alien turns into it's real
self and sticks a tube on Riker's head
]

Kryten: Oh my...

[Riker falls to the ground, the alien turns into a rabbit, then the
Road Runner
]

Alien: BEEEP BEEEP

[It stichs out it's tongue and takes off around the corner]

Lister: Eat this you alien scuzbucket. [He fires, but the alien out
runs the shot and disappears though a door, which promptly gets
blown away by the missile
]

Riker: What the hell hit me.

Picard: Are you OK?

Riker: Screw you, it's none of your bussiness !

Kryten: Oh dear, it appears that the alien has stolen Mister
Riker's sense of politeness

Picard: [Presses his badge] Doktor Polaski, coudl you report to the
cargo dock immediately.

Polaski's Voice:Yes sir.....Captain, how come I have not been in
this episode so far ?

Picard: Because you annoy me, now get down here ! Picard out.

[Cut to Data in the science room of The Red Dwarf]

Data: Have nearly finished yet ?

NDD: Yes I am nearly done fixing the F.A.T's

Data: How long ?

NDD: About 2.3451 monutes.... Approximately

Data: Ah, Thank you.

[Holly appears on the screen]

Holly: 'Ere, what's going on, i feel all wibbly.

Data: Try to ignore it, your IQ will soon be restored to 6000

[Switch back to,Picard and the others, Polaski enters]

Polaski: What happened ?

Kryten: The genetic mutant sucked the ability of being polite out
of Mister Riker.

Polaski: How is that possible ?

Riker: Who cares you stupid old biddy.

Polaski: I'll have you know that I am the same age as the Captain.

Riker: Exactly!

Picard: Right, that does it. Give him a heavy sedative and take him
to sickbay. Kryten, is there any way to reverse the process ?

Kryten: Well, the only way that I know of is to destroy the alien.

Lister: Yeah, It worked before.

Cat: So what are we waiting for? Christmas?

Picard: Lets go. Doctor, I'll see you later.

Polaski: OK

[Polaski guides Riker out through the remains of the door. Picard,
Cat, Lister and Kryten all walk towards the alien's last position
]

Picard: Is there any way we can determine exactly where the alien
is ?

Lister: Well we could ask your computer.

Picard: No, it's too obvious.

[Suddenly a small black ewok runs past]

Ewok: Dangggar ewoks.

Cat: Ahh. Isn't that cute...

[The ewok turns into the 12 foot tall slobbering alien and zaps
Cat
]

Cat: UUugghhh That's truly disgusting.. Why is everything so UGLY?

Lister: This time let's get it.

[The alien turns into an extremely fast light cycle and burns of
down the corridor
]

Picard: After it.

[They all race off after the alien/light cycle down lots of
corridors. Finally it turns off into holodeck 1
]

Picard: Now we have it. Computer, set program to alter at our
commands.

Computer: Do you wish mortality override ?

Lister: What does that mean ? What are you doing ?

Picard: It means can anything get killed in there. Yes wwe do
computer, we want to override the safety mechanism. What I am
doing is playing the shape changer at it's own game. Anything
we want we can have with this program. If
I said Give me a hyperlight speed potato for example, a
hyperlight speed potato would appear in my hands.

Lister: Excellent !

Computer: Program set.

[The doors open and they walk in, Cat is trailing behind. The
holodeck is still it's empty black with yellow lines
]

Cat: Yeuch.. horrible.

Lister: Why does he say everything is so ugly?

Kryten: His ability to like the look of things has been removed.

Picard: Where is the creature ? I can't see it.

Kryten: It is here, perhaps invisible ?

Lister: Change background to woodland.

[The background changes, a yellow and black alien shape appears]

Cat: Fire!!

Kryten: WAIT.... Computer, set weapons to do no damage to us or the
holodeck, just the alien.

Computer: Weapons set...

Cat: Now can I fire ?

Lister: It's too late, he's disappeared.

Picard: Hang on, there's an extra tree there... Computer, Give me
a chainsaw.

[A chainsaw appears in Picard's hands, replacing his bazookoid. He
starts it up
]

Chainsaw: BBBBBbbbBRRRRRROOOOOOOooommm.......
bbbbZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

Picard: Eat this you alien scum.

[He slices at the tree which screams and turns into a cricket ball.
It then flys forward and hits Picard on the nose, knocking him senseless
]

Cat: Computer.... Baseball bat
[His bazookoid is replaced by a baseball bat]

Cat: Byebye mister ugly.

[He smashes the ball with all his strength, it fly into the far
wall of the "Forest:and the background shimmers. The ball then disappers
]

Lister: Smeg, we've lost him again.

[Picard comes round]

Picard: Did we win yet ?

Kryten: Not yet sir.

[Suddenly a man appears, he looks strangely familiar]

Cat: Who are you ?

Man: I'm captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise.

Picard: Computer, Phaser
[the chainsaw disappears and turns to phaser mark 3]

Picard: I don't believe you... Fire
[They all fire, but Kirk disappears with just a wound to his arm]

Kryten: We have him wounded now, he may not have as much control
over the shape changing.

Lister: Wanna bet.

[King Kong appears and grabs Picard, who ducks and is just missed]

Picard: Computer, change background to New York Skyline, and put us
all in aeroplanes and the alien on top of the empire state
building.

Lister: I like it.

[The woodland disappears and is replaced by the New York Skyline
and small 1 man planes appear around, Cat, Lister, Kryten and Picard
]

Cat: But I can't fly, especially not this rustbucket.

Picard: It doesn't matter, the computer can !

Alien: Roar Roar

Lister: Yo computer, give me a bazookoid on the front of this
plane.
[One appears, the alien swings at Kryten's plane, but misses]

Lister: Eat hot plasma.

[He fires about 22 rounds of missiles, each one a direct hit, in
what seems like a huge explosion of fur, slime and light, they all hit
]

[Finally the light dies down and the smoke clears, they all sat
covered in red and green slime on the floor of the empty holodeck,
which is just yellow and black again
]

Cat: Did we get it ?

Lister: Would somebody punch this guy out ?

Kryten: The alien has been eliminated.

Picard: Yeuch, this stuff smells, computer, can you clean this
stuff up ?

Computer: Simulation overload...Re-enter command.

Picard: Oh......SMEG...I said Clean

Computer: Yes

Picard: This

Computer: Yes

Picard: Stuff

Computer: Yes

Picard: UP

Computer: Program set VVVVVVVVVVVSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssshhhhhh

[In a mass of light and colout the slime siappears and they are all
clean, their bazookoids are all lying on the floor
]

Picard: Computer.... Exit

[The doors open and they pick up the bazookoids and walk out. In
the corridor, Riker, Rimmer, and Leutenant O'Blighty are all waiting.
]

Riker: Well dir, did you get it ?
[O'Blighty gets board and wanders off]

Picard: Oh we got it all right number 1, I don't think he'll be
back.

[A woman walks past]

Cat: WWWoooooooaaa, I'm off, see you later.

Lister: Well he's back to normal.....Cat, stay here.

Riker's Badge:Bllep Bllep
[He presses it]

Riker: Yes

Data's Voice:It's Leutenant commander Data here sir.

Riker: Yes Data?

Data's Voice:Sir, the NDD has finished, Holly is ready to be
re-started.

Riker: [To Picard] Sir should we beam over ?

Picard: Absolutely, I wouldn't miss this for the world.

A Wet Pilchard:blurb lodfos blorud ?

Lister: What?

Pilchar: Oh nothing I'm just in the wrong story.

Kryten: What was that ?

Riker: Oh, just ignore it, it's the writer younger brther messing
with the word processor !

Data's voice:Sir, are you coming over ?

Riker: Yes Data,... O'Brian beam us over.

O'Brian's voice:Yes Sir !

Rimmer: Wait, it won't wor........

Transporter Beam:VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH

[They all disappear, cut to science room, Red Dwarf]

Transporter Beam:VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH

[They all re-appear, except Rimmer]

Lister: Where's Rimmer ?

Kryten: Well, I can only assume that the transporter de-activated
his light bee and he is lying on the floor somewhere.

Picard: There is that him over there ?

Cat: Yep
[He picks up the small pill shaped machine]

Rimmer's tiny voice:I suppose you think this is funny? Get me back
now!

Data: I'm sorry but we cannot, at least until Holly is
re-activated.

Rimmer's tiny voice:What, why is she off line, have I missed
something ?

Lister: No man, you've missed everything, we even saw magruder !

Rimmer: Where ?

Lister: In the holodeck, along with Kachanski and this other girl
called Yar..... or something.

Data: Yeally, Leutenant Yar is in our holodeck ?

Picard: We'll sort it out later Data, now get holly on line.

Data: But.... Oh okay sir....... Red Dwarf Computer Access Code
12D53Q6.3 engage re-initialisation sequence 323QA.

[Lots of lights flash, screens go blank and finally.....]

Holly's voice:Sequence engaged.....[Her face appears on the
screen, except the dozy look has gone
]....Blimy I'm
intelligent, I know everything.

Kryten: Okay then, why does bread always land butter side down ?

Lister: Good one man !

Data: I know this one !

Picard: SSSssshhh Data, we want to see if Holly knows.

Holly: The bread always lands butter side down due to the wind
resistance of the bread and the increased mass on the one side of
bread..... Crikey....I never knew I knew that !

Rimmer's voice:Get me back !

Holly: Oh sorry, here we go.
[There is a bright flash and Rimmer re-appears]

Rimmer: Ah, that's better, now lets go back to this holodeck
thingie and see Magruder.

Lister: And Chrissy !

Data: And Tasha.

Picard: Ah... Data, she will not remember you, the computer
simulation is from before she joined the Enterprise.

Data: Oh.

Cat: So, she won't remember you, so what, she's still great to look
at !

Data: That's not the same !

Cat: It is to me ...
[Picard presses his badge]

Badge: Blooooop squoomm

Picard: Damn, I must get this fixed, Number one, get us back !

Holly: I'll see you there !

Riker: [Pressing his badge] O'Brian, bring us back to the holodeck
3's entrance.

O'Brian's voice:Yes Sir.

Transporter Beam:VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH

[They all disappear, and reappear out side holodeck 3, except
Rimmer
]

Rimmer's voice:I'm getting rather fed up with this !

[A hologram of Holly's head appears]

Holly: Ok Rimmer, you smeg head, If you ask nicely I'll change you
back.

Rimmer: Please will you get me back ?

Holly: Ok....

[There is a bright flash and Rimmer re-appears]

Rimmer: I hate that ! It's like being sucked up your own nose and
then being spat out of the end of a machine gun !

Data: Holly, is there any way of updating a holodeck simulation
with data from a transporter beam file ?

Holly: Yeah, you just cross reference the transporter file output
with the memory files in the holodeck subset, yeah you could
make an exact copy of someone, as holodeck matter only though !

Lister: What the smeg..... I'm lost.

Picard: Me too.

Riker: Huh?

Cat: I don't care.....[he looks at his hand] Damn, I've split a
nail.

Data: What if you re-directed the output from the holodeck to the
main transporter beam memory-banks ?

Kryten: The holodeck image would become real, and if you programmed
the nural input of the transporter creation with the computer
holodeck memory.....

Data: That person would become real !

Holly: Yeah that'd work.

Rimmer: Wait a minute, are you saying that you can create things
and give them memory from files ?

Kryten: That's roughly it, sir !

Rimmer: Files such as hologram files ?

Holly: I s'pose so.

Rimmer: Then I could become alive again !

Lister: And Chrissy and Magruder and Tasha whatshername, and any
one else that we have hologram or transporter trace file for !

Holly: Exactly, so Rimmer, do you want to try it out ?

Rimmer: Ok.

Data: I'll inform leutenant O'Brian.
[He walks off towards the transporter room]

Holly: Rimmer, I'll have to de-activate you for a while.

Picard: Isn't there a risk involved ?

Rimmer: Wai.....

[In a flash Rimmer disappears]

Holly: Oh yes, he could be permanently wiped from existence.

Riker: Do you think we should have told him ?

Cat: Are you kidding ?

Lister: Yeah, I mean we want to see if it works, not wait around a
few million years to wait for him to make up his mind !

Picard: You're right, I will file in my report that he agreed whole
heartedly, despite the risks.

Riker: But, sir, that's lying !

Picard: So, sue me !

Riker's badge:Bllep Bllep

[He presses it]

Data's voice:Sir, we are ready for the transfer.

Holly: Ok, Interfacing with Enterprise computer now.
[A noise like a ZX Spectrum loading is heard]

Holly: 'Ere, your computer says how come I have got a face and she
hasn't ?

Picard: I don't know.

Riker: Duh

Data's voice:Sir, I believe I can answer that.

Picard: Go on then.

Data's voice:The writers didn't think of it.

Cat: It figures.

Lister: Can we get on with it please ?

Picard: Yes, Holly commence transfer of mister Rimmer into holodeck
matter and then true matter.

Holly: Ok, hold on this might have a few side affects.

Lister: Why ?

Kryten: Well we are fiddling with reality and well, frankly, it's
a bit dodgy !

Riker: How weird can it get ?

Holly: I dunno, let's find out.
[The lights dim and Rimmer's light bee disappears. A dog appears on
the ceiling and begins barking "I Should Be So Lucky". Then the dog
disappears and four middle aged men dressed in overcoats with large
backpacks turn the corner, chasing a large red blob
]

Picard: Who are they ?

Peter Venkman:Hey, are you kidding, We're the GHOSTBUSTERS !

Egon Spengler:Nice ship you have her !

Picard: [stunned] Thank you

Winston Zedamore:Throw the trap Ray !

Ray Stanz: Ok Winston.
[He grabs a lage black and yellow striped box from his backpack,
throws it down under the red blob and stamps on the control pad, the box
opens and a light beam sprays out
]

Ghost Trap:FFFSSFSFSFSFFHSHFSHHHHhhhhhh

Ghost: AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh............

Ghost Trap:FFFFFFFFSFSFHHhhhhhhhhhhhhTT
[The box closes and the blob is gone]

Egon: That was a mean one.

Peter: It's miller time !

[The Ghostbusters perform a "high 5" and disappear]

Lister: Well I'd call that pretty weird ! Are you done yet Holly ?

Holly: Nearly...
[Wesley enters from a turbo lift, a large vat of custard appears
over his head
]

Wesley: Sir, what is going on ?

Picard: Kryten, you explain.

Kryten: Well master Crusher, we are attempting to create matter
with holodeck matter and insert into it mister Rimmer's
personality and memory.

Wesley: Oh is that all.
[The custard tips out all over him]

Wesley: MMMmmmmmmfffffffff

Cat: I think that means "I can't speak when I'm covered with two
tonnes of custard"

Lister: Brutal

Riker: I wanted to do that for months.

Picard: I've wanted to for YEARS number one !

[The vat and custard disappear, leaving Wesley clean]

Picard: Damn

Holly: Right I've done it, he should be beaming in now.

[Fade to black and adverts]

'Ere they've 'Ad their Weetabix (AGAIN)
M&Ms Advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars
Coka Cola Advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars
Mars Advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars
Tango Advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars


[Fade back to transporter room]

Cat's log: Goalpost head is beaming in, and I want some food !

Lister: That's it ?

Cat: Well, it was better than yours !

Lister: It was not.

Kryten: Sirs, please stop this petty bickering.

Data's Voice:Why do I always miss it ?

[Picard, Riker, Kryten, Lister and Cat all step into the turbo
lift, Holly disappears
]

Picard: Transporter Room

Lift: Yes Sir.

[Cut to Transporter Room, Holly's head has appeared above O'Brian
and O'Brian is stood watching as the controls activate themselves. Data is
stood watching the transporter. The others enter
]

Picard: Data, how's it going ?

Data: The procedure appears to be going to plan sir, although if
there were a problem, we would not know yet !

Lister: That's reassuring.

[The transporter beam hums into action]

Transporter Beam:vvvsssssssshhhhHHHHhhHHHhhhhhhhhHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Rimmer appears]

Rimmer: Did it work?

Data: [scanning with a tricorder] It would appear so.

Lister: Are you really there man ?

Rimmer: I think so, quick [stepping off transporter] give me
something to hold.

[Riker gives Rimmer his phaser]

Rimmer: [looking stunned] I'm alive, I can touch, I can eat, I can
smell, I'M ALIVE.

Cat: No kidding, but I preferred you when you were dead !

Picard: Holly, can we do this with the others now ?

Holly: Ok, just tell me who, and I'll zap 'em back to life.

Lister: Well, Chrissy and Magruder for a start.

Data: And don't forget Tasha !

Holly: Ok but things might be a little weirder than last time if I
do all three at once.

Lister: It's allright, I'm kind'a getting used to it.

Picard: I agree, we may as well get it over with, but first let me
inform the crew.

Riker: Good idea, we don't want anyone to think that they are
crazy.

Picard: Computer, give me the P.A.

Computer: OK, but only if I can have a face.

Picard: Agreed, you can have a face, just like Holly's if you like.

Computer: Oh no, I want to be attractive, P.A. is on !

Holly: Cheek.

Picard: Crew, this is your captain speaking, things are going to
get a bit strange, infact down right weird for the next
few minutes, do don't be afraid and above all DON'T PANIC.
[He pauses] P.A. Off

Data: That reminds me of a famous 20th century piece of literature
that I once read.

Riker: Haven't you read nearly all 20th century literature Data?

Data: True, But this one was strangely different, it described the
people of the Betelguese system most accurately, even down to the
colour of their space craft, it was suggested that the author
himself was perhaps an alien.

Lister: So

Cat: Yeah, what has that got to do with anything ?

Data: I'm not sure, I was just babbling as usual.

Holly: Can I do it yet?

Picard: Yes, please go ahead.

Holly: Get ready, here it comes.

[The lights dim once more and a large while 50's style fridge
appears beside O'Neil and starts singing about gold.
]

Lister: Freaky.

Cat: Yeah, I agree, who would buy such an ugly refidgerator, it
looks like a white coffin.

[The fridge disappears and is replaced by a squareish robot]

Robot: Oh great, just when you think life van get no worse, ping
here you are on the transporter room of the starship Enterprise.

Picard: How did you know that ?

Robot: I've got a brain the size of a planet, and he asks me how I
know that? Typical humans, think they know everything and ask you how
you knew that !

Lister: Shut up, you're worse than Rimmer.

Robot: Well at least I have a sense of humour !

Cat: He does have a point.

[The Robot disappears and a cartoon style italian looking person
appears
]

Kryten: Ah, I know this one, you are Mario aren't you ?

Mario: Yes, what am I doing here, where is my house ?

Lister: You tell me, where DO you come from ?

Mario: Why Super Mario Land of course.

Rimmer: Ask a stupid question.

Mario: Must go now, bye bye
[He disappears and all appears to return to normal]

O'Brian: Is that it ?

Holly: No, almost done though.

[Suddenly the transporter room background disappears and is
replaced by a seedy looking hotel lobby, there is a tall balding man at the
desk.
]

Man: Right, how can I help you ?

Data: Well, we don't need your assistance right now, we are doing
fine thank you.

Man: OH well that's OK THEN, zapping into my hotel and saying that
you are FINE. [He starts to shout and go red in the face] Fine, FINE,
How can you be fine, you just appeares from nowhere and you are FINE ?????

Lister: Where are you anyhow ?

Man: Torquay of course, where do you think you are, the starship
Enterprise ???

[another man enters, except he is short and spannish looking]

1st Man: Ah Manwell, do these people look fine to you dressed in
their silly futuristic clothes ?

2nd Man: Si, they are-a looking fine-a to me.

1st Man: Look you Idiot, one has got a square head and another one
is yellow how can you say they are fine ?

2nd Man: Qua ?

[A woman enters]

Woman: Never mind him, he's from Barcelona !

Riker: I can't stand much more of this.

Picard: I agree, Holly how long now ?

Holly: a few more seconds

Lister: Yo Matey, have you got a brochure ?

1st Man: Yes, Why ?

Lister: So I can stick it sown your gob !!! Now come here...

[The hotel disappears and the transporter room reappears, the
transporter hums into life
]

Transporter beam:VVVVVVvvvvvvsssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHH

[Crissy Kachanski, Yvonne Magruder and Tasha Yar appear]

Chrissy: Where am I ?

Lister: You are here, with me where you belong !

Cat: YEUCK !!!

Rimmer: Magruder...

Magruder: Rimmsy.

Picard: [Looks at Riker] Rimmsy ?

Riker: I agree with the Cat

Tasha Yar: Data, what am I doing here, we were just beaming down to
that awful planet with the living sludge or whatever it was
so where did everyone go, and who are they [looking at
Rimmer, Lister, Cat, Kryten, Chrissy and Magruder
]

Data: It's a long story, one which I will be happy to explain in
detail in my quarters over dinner.

Tasha: Why mister Data, is that a proposition ?

Data: That was the intention.

Picard: I preferred the Hotel, even with the grotty staff !

Riker: At least it's all over with now.

O'Brian: Sir, the computer is demanding that you give her a face.

Picard: Holly, help her pick one out.

Holly: Ok, I love face shopping.

Riker: Let's eat.

Rimmer: Great idea, mine's a 12 course meal, I haven't eaten in
over three million years !

[They all laugh, except Riker who just smirks, fade to picture of
exterior of the Enterprise and Red Dwarf
]

O'Blighty's voice:And the Klingon said, What Tribble...

[Fade to the bar/disco on the Red Dwarf, everyone is there, except
Tasha and Data (Strangely)
]

Picard: O'Blighty...

O'Blighty: Yes sir.

Picard: Remind me to get you a transfer to captain...

Riker: What!

Picard: Let me finish, captain of a class 10 garbage ship, with
only one crew member.

Lister: That's more like it, you know, I thought that you guys
would be really, well really...

Riker: Square ?

Lister: Yeah, but really you're not bad at all, a little goodie
goodie, but not too bad. Which just goes to prove that you
shouldn't judge a cover by it's book.

Kryten: Book by it's cover.

Lister: What ever.

Rimmer: That was a public service announcement, Really, you guys
are so sickly. You're worse than Rainbow Brite riding a My Little
Pony whilst playig with dollys.

Cat: Shut up H Head, or should I say Rimmsy ?

Kryten: Yes sir, where is Miss Magruder anyway ?

Geordi: From what I've seen of her, so to speak, she's probably
practicing her boxing with a gorilla.

Rimmer: She's not that bad.

Worf: Well, I wouldn't go out with her, and I'm used to Klingon
women.

Wesley: Well, what I want to know is how come you lot all get girls
and all I get is a lollypop.

Picard: Because you are only an ensign.

Wesley: Lister's only a technician, but he got a girl, and a very
nice one too.

Chrissy: Thank you, sweety [She pats him on the head]
[Riker smirks. Holly appears]

Holly: Allright, right, your computer has chosen a head, but be
warned, it might come as a bit of a shock.

[The old holly's face appears (you know Norman whatsit)]

Computer: Allright dudes, what's going on in groove town ?

Holly: Sorry, the personality goes with the head.

Picard: But I thought our computer was female ?

Polaski: It's what ever it wants to be.

Computer: Ere, I wouldn't mind a name either.

Picard: I think Computer will surfice !

Riker: Don't be so boring, how about ARNOLD ?

Computer: NO, Computer is fine.

[Computer disappears, along with Holly]

Picard: [To Red Dwarf crew] So, what are you going to do now ?

Lister: Well, we've still got a long way to go to get to earth.

Kryten: Yes, It will take several years to get back at the speed of
the Red Dwarf.

Rimmer: Yeah, but now I am alive and we have, shall we say company,
it won't be so boring.

Cat: Speak for yourself, who have I got ?

Picard: Ah well, about that, one of our female crew members has
requested if she can come along with you.

Kryten: Which one ?

Riker: Oh, you don't know her, but her name is Leutenant Tsu, she
is over there bounc... I mean dancing away.

[You can almost see Cat's eyes pop out on stalks and the famous
Bugs Bunny style sirene
]

Cat: Bye, bye.

[He quickly moves over to the dance floor]

Kryten: That just leaves me.

Picard: Create yourself a Series 2000 female mechanoid in the
Holodeck, and we will, realityise, if that is the right word, her.

Kryten: [Sort of grinning] Beam me up, Scotty !

[He walks of planning]

Lister: Cheers, Mateys, it's been a good laugh.

Chrissy: Why so final, we will be on route to earth, why shouldn't
the Enterprise stop off every now and then and visit ?

Rimmer: Great, and maybe they can bring a picknick.... Yeuck, I
think I am gonna 'be sick.

Lister: I've been waiting years to do this.

[He smacks Rimmer in the mouth, who promptly collapses on the
floor
]

Picard: Normally I don't condone violence, but ...........

[Cut to outside of ships, both heading towards the twin suns of the
system, a voice says "Who was that masked man", and another says "Why,
that's Jean Luc Picard" and the ships fly off into the sun set
]

THE END

(But left open for a sequal ?)

Well, what did you think ?

This script was written by Steve Lake, a really weird kind of guy, and all credit to him for creating this piece of comic genius. In addition, one or two other people also helped out with this. In no particular order, they are, Daniel Powell and Nik Hatton. Daniel for some typing, and plot assistance, and Nik for plot assistance.

If there are any types, or weird sounding words, it's because Steve cannot spell and neither can his spell checker, and besides, they all add to the atmosphere of the piece.

Oh, and me ? I am just the mug that uploaded this, and the appointed receiver for any thoughts you may have after reading this.

Finally, it remains for me to thank the various people who contributed to this file(not least, Steve Lake, the mad hippo himself), and I hope you had as much fun reading this, as we all did in producing it.