Dave Hollins Space Cadet

Transcribed by Phil Halliwell

The following sketch is taken from the radio show "Son Of Cliche" written by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor some time before Red Dwarf was conceived. This ongoing sketch involving a man stranded in space with only an AI computer for company was the original idea on which Red Dwarf was eventually built. The computer, Hab, who doesn't appear in this particular episode, was played by Chris Barrie.


WEIRD MUSIC

 

Voice: We, of the weird Dimension bring you a glimpse into another time/space continuum.

 

MUSIC GETS WEIRDER

 

Voice: THE STRANGE PLANET YOU SHOULDN'T REALLY LAND ON...

 

STRANGE BLEEPS

 

Dave: This is Stellar Trader, Dave Hollins, calling Earth com lambda-k-57. My craft, Psion IV is locked in a decaying orbit around a Class II planet. The main drives have gone and there is no power in the star hopper. I am at a planet that had 2 suns and 7 moons. My AA number is HOL-71-482. A bio-scan prelim has indicated living matter on the surface. It is intelligent but basic, just above vegetables, but below teacher training student. I am abandoning Psion and tumbling down to the surface.

 

HUMMING NOISE

 

Alien: Zilge, the occupant of the craft is about to arrive in Input 2.

Zilge: What be he like?

Alien: Zilge, several of his legs are missing and there are many holes in his face. I must scurry and greet him.

 

WHOOSH

 

Zilge: I bid thee solstice, traveller! You must have hunger and weariness. Come, I bid thee dine with me and my seven hus-bands.

Dave: Husbands? You have SEVEN husbands?

Zilge: You seem querulous. How many hus-bands do you have?

Dave: I don't have any husbands.

Zilge: Oh, a nephron.

Dave: Is that how you reproduce here? With a husband?

Zilge: Seven hus-bands.

Dave: Oh.

Zilge: Eight of us must get together to perform a Nagor to produce the child-ren.

Dave: That's incredible! What's it like?

Zilge: Oh, a lot of fun.

Dave: How many children do you produce at one of these Nagors?

Zilge: Oh, enough for two or three meals. (Pause) Excuse me, I'm going to explode.

 

EXPLOSION

 

Zilge: I beg your pardon, it must have been something I strangled. Where be you from, traveller?
Dave: Me? I come from Earth.

Zilge: Earth?

Dave: Yep.

Zilge: The PLANET Earth?

Dave: That's right.

Zilge: Do you know a guy called Jan Vogels?

Dave: No.

Zilge: Come on, HE came from Earth! Jan Vogels.

Dave: Nonononono, I don't KNOW him.

Zilge: You must know him. Jan, short guy with red hair.

Dave: No, I told you, I don't know him.

Zilge: He came from Ho-lland, on Earth, in the eighth century Earth time.

Dave: No, no, it's the wrong period and I've never been to Holland.

Zilge: Jan Vogels. He had holes in his face he put food in, and when we told him what it was the food would come out again. (Pause). Jan Vogels.

Dave: No, I, look, I don't know him.

Zilge: JAN VOGELS!

Dave: (Pretending) Oh, yeah! Yeah, y,y, oh, y, yeah, I know him. Jan Vo - oh yeah, I know Jan. Yeah, Jan Vogels, that's right. Now can we go to your city now? I need some fuel for my craft.

Zilge: Hmm, of course. Oh but - what must you think of my manners? We haven't passed greetings! Come, we must decapitate each other and exchange heads for an hour.
Sickening crunch and a thud as a body drops to the ground

Zilge: Funny, that's what happened to Jan Vogels!

 

MUSIC

ENDS