Back In The Red, part 1 - Script v1.0


{RED DWARF Clearing House}

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-99

Back in the Red, part 1
@ 17Mar99

Well, it hardly seems like two years, does it? Let's start with Back In The Red, part 1.

This is version 1.0 of the script, and is complete, barring corrections. Look out for the newly-added Cast Reference, and for scene timestamps, a world first for Red Dwarf scripts. Enjoy!

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

Raz, DTLK, 1996-99 17Mar99

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 1 -- BACK IN THE RED, part 1 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 1.0 18-24 February, 1999 Last updated: 17 March, 1999 Raz / [-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--] [Inside a vast, man-made structure] [-- 2 - Int. Small, cell-like room ----------------------------------0:10--] [LISTER, RIMMER present] [LISTER slouches on the top bunk of a vertically arranged set of two, reading an old copy of 'Starstruck' magazine. He spots something of note and begins reading aloud:] LISTER Remember Argyle Somerfield, an old movie star? Eighty-three, according to this, an' he's just had a baby with his nurse! [RIMMER lays on the bunk below, concentrating on a book and displaying little interest in anything else] LISTER '"It was love at first sight", she cooed, "I've always liked older men."' God, if she ever ran into Tutankhamen he wouldn't stand a chance! She'd have his bandages off before you can say "silicon implants". There's some pictures of them here with the new-born. [LISTER flips onto his stomach, leaning over the edge of his bunk to see RIMMER, and dangling the magazine by RIMMER's head. He points at the pages] LISTER There's Argyle, and there's the baby. [When RIMMER doesn't look, LISTER waggles the magazine in his face, then, seeing the pictures from the new angle, realises he's made a mistake] LISTER No no no no, *there's* Argyle, and *there's* the baby! I was thrown for a minute by the bib and the bonnet. Thought that was the baby at first! [Without a word or a glance, RIMMER gets off his bunk and seats himself at the table a short distance away. There's an air of tension emanating from him as he flexes his arms sharply upon sitting, and resumes reading fixedly. LISTER eyes him over his magazine] LISTER An eighty-three year old dad! How's that gonna work? I bet *he's* not gonna get up in the middle of the night to give the baby its feed. Probably pretend to be dead! LISTER "Darling, can you give the baby his bottle tonight?" [LISTER lets his head fall onto his pillow and stares rigidly ahead for a few seconds] LISTER It's not gonna work, is it? [Leaving his magazine behind, LISTER jumps down from the bunk to sit opposite RIMMER at the table while he continues to talk] LISTER The only advantage, as far as I can see, is the wife can change both their nappies at the same time. [Grinning and laughing at his own joke, LISTER waits for a reaction from RIMMER, but none is forthcoming. He peers into RIMMER's face] LISTER Are you still not talking to me? It's unbelievably childish, y' know. [He waves a hand in front of RIMMER's face, who keeps up the, by now obvious, pretence of reading] LISTER I've a good mind to fill your shoes with runny porridge again. Teach you a lesson about maturity... LISTER All right, I'll tell you what: I bet I can make you say something in the next... minute. Twenty big ones. Shake on it... [LISTER extends his right hand, which falls over RIMMER's book. Without a word, or a glance in LISTER's direction, RIMMER moves the hand out of his way] LISTER All right, if I'm on, say nothing. [He grins at RIMMER, knowing he can't lose this one, at least] LISTER I'm on! Okay. I'm gonna say something, all right, an' you're gonna totally lose it. Are you ready? Y' ready? [Again he waves his head in front of RIMMER, who ignores him] LISTER All right. Several years ago, when money was not abundant, and I needed - I mean *medically needed* - a pint, I took some money from your purse. [LISTER mimes, with actions and sound effects, the effort of forcing open a granite sarcophagus] LISTER Oh God, it was horrible going in there. 'The wallet that time forgot'. Not that there was any point; the barman on B-deck wouldn't serve me. He said doubloons weren't legal tender any more. Said you should have handed them in after the Spanish Armada! [LISTER stares at RIMMER after concluding his tale. When it's plain no reaction is forthcoming, he turns away in disappointment] LISTER Thought that'd get you going. You hate digs about your stinginess. Usually makes you so agitated that you've gotta go and make a cup of tea with a brand new teabag. [With this snipe, LISTER again stares hard at RIMMER. This time, however, he sees he may be getting somewhere - RIMMER's mouth is tight, and he seems to be drawing deeper breaths. LISTER assumes an air of defeat] LISTER Well, still, plenty of time to go. [LISTER chortles suddenly, as if just recalling something funny] LISTER Remember Yvonne McGruder? You really liked her, didn't you? [RIMMER involuntarily twitches an eyebrow, and shifts around on his chair] LISTER I used to go out with her, y'know. Before you did. You didn't know that, did you? Broke up in the end. Really hurt me. Still got the scars today. They never heal, carpet burns, do they? [Eyes still locked, unmoving, to the pages of his book, the same can't be said for the rest of RIMMER's face. Muscles are spasming and his whole body shakes with a gentle tremor. LISTER grins mischievously and goes in for the kill, leaning forward and loading his words with emphasis] LISTER *Both cheeks, man*! She nearly wore them down to the *bone*! [LISTER pushes himself back from the table and rocks back and forth on his chair, making hideously lewd squeaking noises as he does so. RIMMER, his face purple, succumbs to psychology and perfectly simulates the release of a reasonable quantity of high-explosive incendiaries] RIMMER *WILL YOU SHUT UP!* LISTER What did I tell you? Twenty big ones! [Overjoyed with his victory, LISTER chortles his way back to his bunk] RIMMER I've been listening to you whittling on now for what seems like two ice ages! My mind is so numb and brain-dead I feel like I've just attended a three-day seminar entitled "The Future of Plumbing". Have you any idea how irritating you've just been? You're a master! There are things you could teach to tropical skin diseases! LISTER Well, *talk* to me then. RIMMER No. LISTER Look, I'm sorry, okay? How many times do you want me to say it? I - am - sorry! RIMMER No - you're - not! LISTER It was an accident! RIMMER An accident? You poured a hole tube of it over me, you disgusting, rotting, fetid piece of congealed monkey-vomit. LISTER Oh, at last you're talking to me. I knew we'd make it up. [Lying back on his bunk in satisfaction, LISTER resumes reading the story in his magazine] LISTER *Eighty-three*! [-- 3 - Interlude ----------------------------------------------Raz--4:49--] "3 DAYS EARLIER" [-- 4 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------4:51--] [Starbug arcs through space towards a familiar, red spaceship] [-- 5 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------4:56--] [CAT present, at his station at the helm, others presumed out-of-shot] [Suddenly, CAT blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble. Before him, space has turned red. A vast metal redness that stretches up, down, left, and right - miles in any direction.] [-- 6 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------4:58--] CAT [VO] This thing's even bigger than I remember... [CAT pilots Starbug into the docking tunnel. Even taking his natural flying skills into account, there's no danger whatsoever that Starbug may scrape the sides of the tunnel as it has done so many times in the past - there is a curiously large amount of empty space between the transport craft and the tunnel walls. Starbug emerges into the docking bay, and suddenly, something very important becomes apparent. There is a Starbug already docked... a very *large* Starbug in a very *large* docking bay. Starbug's engines suddenly seem to buzz, insect-like, in the vastness of the docking bay, and CAT deftly pilots his 'Bug under the bulbous body of the other craft and through it's pillar-like legs] CAT [VO] Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..! [-- 7 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------5:12--] [Starbug flies through the gigantic hatchway of an enormous corridor inside the ship, but as it does so, the whole structure quite clearly contracts a short distance, first along the horizontal, and then the vertical] [-- 8 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------5:14--] [CAT, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] [Enter LISTER] LISTER Hey guys! Look at my body! [LISTER has his shirt unbuttoned, proudly displaying a chest dotted with clumps of hair, but otherwise unblemished] CAT There's an invitation that will *not* cause a stampede. LISTER No! It's back to normal. [LISTER takes his seat] KRYTEN No time for that now, sir. We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf and Starbug appears to be expanding. [-- 9 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------5:26--] [Starbug continues to fly through contracting corridors, accompanied by nerve-grating metallic shrieks] [-- 10 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------5:29--] [CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] KOCHANSKI It's not Starbug that's expanding, it's Red Dwarf that's shrinking! LISTER It must be something to do with the nanobot's molecular process. Just like my body! [-- 11 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------5:36--] [As Starbug passes a grating set into a wall, the panel at least twenty times the height and width of the transport craft, it suddenly veers off its flightpath, heading for the grating] [-- 12 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------5:38--] [CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] CAT We're being sucked into a vent! [-- 13 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------5:39--] CAT [VO] Can't fight it! [The little ship passes clean through the grate, miraculously surviving the enormous blades of the huge fan that caught the Dwarfers in its backdraft. Starbug shoots into the ventways at high speed] [-- 14 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------5:44--] [CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] [The craft has begun shaking significantly, presumably buffeting resulting from their high speed in the increasing confined vent shaft] KOCHANSKI Air vent walls closing in. KRYTEN We must take action. Be bold, positive, decisive. Suggest we move from blue alert to red alert, sir. CAT Forget red! Let's go all the way up to brown alert! KRYTEN But there's no such thing as brown alert, sir. CAT You won't be saying that in a minute. And don't say I didn't alert you! [Enter HOLLY] HOLLY All right, dudes. Anyone fancy a game of charades using just your noses, or is this a bad time? LISTER Holly, man, we're about to get crushed to death! HOLLY So that's a 'no', then, is it? KRYTEN Once the nano's rebuilt the ship, I thought things were going to get back to normal! KOCHANSKI We don't know where we are, what to do, and haven't got a clue what's happening. Things *are* back to normal! HOLLY You don't even fancy a bit of a quick one? Science-fiction film, name of the ship, one word: The Nostrilomo! Spent a week thinking that one up! Good, innit? KRYTEN Computing time to impact... calculations coming through - here they come. LISTER How long have we got? KRYTEN About the time it takes to read a 'Stop' sign, sir. CAT That's okay then. I don't always get through those in one sitting! KOCHANSKI What are our chances of getting out of here? KRYTEN About the same odds as discovering Mister Lister saddle-stitching the hem of a pair of linen maternity slacks. LISTER I must admit, it's been a while since I did that. Can't you get this crate to go faster? It's gonna be like getting crushed to death under a gigantic trouser press! CAT Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free! I always prayed I'd go out like that! KOCHANSKI There may be a way through this if we take a detour. Past Epsilon 14 and take a right at the hydro unit. We'll save about two minutes! KRYTEN What do you say, sir? I don't understand a woman who's hurtling towards thirty and still has a teddy bear called 'Booboo', but, when it comes to navigation, there's none finer! LISTER What's your view, Holl? [LISTER peers at the screen, set into the control panel, that display's HOLLY's image] HOLLY Straight up your nose when you lean in like that. LISTER Epsilon 14. [-- 15 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:45--] [Starbug thunders along the air vents] [-- 16 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------7:48--] [CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] KRYTEN There's - there's - there's some kind of heartbeat up ahead, and it's beating at an incredible rate! [KOCHANSKI leaves her seat and stands between LISTER and the CAT to see further up ahead] CAT You mean there's a heart out there with no body? No wonder it's beating so fast. [-- 17 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------7:58--] [As Starbug hurtles along the vent, the shape of a large rat slowly resolves out of the darkness. In rears up and squeals with fright as CAT deftly swings Starbug around it] [-- 18 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------8:00--] [CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] LISTER Heyyy! [CAT laughs happily and shoots glances around the cockpit for approval] [-- 19 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------8:04--] [A second rat slides out of the dark up ahead, facing away from the rapidly approaching Dwarfers and sniffing at the ground, unawares. With its pilots distracted the 'Bug sails into and jams in the rear-end of the rat, which squeals as it is lifted off its paws with the inertia, then carried down the vent with the force of Starbug's engines] [-- 20 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------8:08--] [The cockpit is in darkness, and the quick thudding of a heartbeat can be heard. Grimaces paint the faces of all four] [-- 21 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------8:17--] [Sure enough, the put-upon rat, paws and tail flailing helplessly, is currently seeing a lot more of its environment than it probably ever imagined it would; certainly at a much higher speed] [-- 22 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------8:23--] HOLLY I hope we don't get stopped by the cops. They don't like it when you're rat-arsed... [Tying in throttle controls to the control yokes, LISTER and CAT yank the sticks back hard, the loss of forward thrust causing KOCHANSKI to stumble forward momentarily and releasing the ship from the rat] [-- 23 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------8:31--] [Coming into view from around a curve in the vent shaft, we see first the rat as it sails gracefully, end over end, out of sight and impacts a wall with a splat. Starbug follows close behind, taking the curve smoothly [-- 24 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------8:36--] [As Red Dwarf continues to shrink around their ship, the end of the vent shaft approaches. The Dwarfers brace for an impact] [-- 25 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------8:38--] [Starbug crashes through the air vent cover, now comparatively small enough to be demolished completely as the ship squeezes narrowly through] [-- 26 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------8:39--] [The crew lurch from the impact and sparks flash from electrical feedbacks in the consoles] [-- 27 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------8:45--] [By now, Red Dwarf has shrunk enough that Starbug, passing through a hatchway, jams its rear module against the walls and rips itself free] [-- 28 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------8:46--] [CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] [The much-abused Starbug is bearing up well. It shakes violently is the Dwarfers scrape along the corridor, fountains of sparks and minor explosions add to the general din] CAT According to the desk we've lost all engines! Hey - [CAT grabs LISTER's arm urgently] CAT Didn't I read somewhere that can seriously affect your ability to fly? [-- 29 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------8:56--] [Starbug's cockpit bubble scrapes through another hatchway that opens into a large expansive area, but unfortunately the ship's midsection doesn't make it. Jamming against the hatchway, the module is torn off, leaving Starbug's cockpit bubble skating unsteadily across the metal floor of the bay, trailing sparks] [-- 30 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------9:00--] [CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] [Multiple fires have broken out amongst the battered electronic components, cables hang from overhead and crackles and pops continue to punctuate the air] KRYTEN Now we've lost the mid-section and the kitchen! I'm sorry everyone, but we may have to have sandwiches for lunch! [Emergency fire extinguishers cough into life] [-- 31-39 - Model/CGI / live action shot sequence -------------------9:10--] [The remaining piece of Starbug smashes through a stack of supply crates and bounces, out of control, across the floor of the bay before crashing to an unsteady halt in a recessed platform under a loading crane. Dazed and disoriented, the crew stumble out of the burning cockpit, KRYTEN holding CAT on his feet, and sprint away from the tortured cockpit bubble as fast as possible. It proves to be not a minute too soon, as a huge explosion blasts them off their feet and sends half of the cockpit shell flying over their heads to explode against the far wall of the bay] [-- 40 - Int. Red Dwarf landing bay ---------------------------------9:48--] [The Dwarfers tentatively raise their heads from where they lie, prone, on the deck. Three people in yellow Hazardous Environment suits approach the survivors - two of them un-mask] SELBY Dave? LISTER Selby! Chen! [LISTER stands up slowly, unbelieving] LISTER Is it really you? CHEN Is it really us? Hang on, I'll check. Yeah, I think it's us. LISTER Guys! This is brilliant! [As the others slowly convince themselves they still live and slowly stand, LISTER races forward and wraps his arms around his two old friends. They for their part, have somewhat unreadable expressions - part worry, part suspicion, part incomprehension] LISTER I can't believe it! KRYTEN You know these people, sir? [LISTER stands between SELBY and CHEN, and arm draped around the shoulders of each] LISTER Know them? When they've been drunk and unconscious I've taken their clothes off and painted parts of them green! Course I know them! This is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie! CAT How? KOCHANSKI The nano's must have resurrected *them* along with the ship. LISTER This is Chen - [LISTER plants a kiss on CHEN's cheek] - he works in the kitchen and he's always drunk, and this is Selby - [SELBY wisely pulls his head away as much as possible and shoots LISTER a warning look] LISTER - and he's always drunk too! Where's Peterson? CHEN He couldn't make it. He's drunk! KRYTEN The crew are all alive, sir! This is great news! Wonderful, marvelous, incredible news! All that extra ironing! Bliss! [Two more people, officers, arrive - one clamps a hand around LISTER's collar and pushes him roughly away from his friends before stepping into view - the scowling owner of the hand is CAPTAIN HOLLISTER] HOLLISTER Mister Thornton, read them their rights. [The second newcomer, a Military Police officer, steps up into LISTER's face] THORNTON David Lister, you are formally charged with stealing and crashing a Starbug. You are also charged with having no pilot's license, and smuggling two stowaways on board, along with Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski. Anything you say now, or do not say now, may be used at a board of enquiry against you. Do you require any form of aid? LISTER Yeah, lemonade in a really large scotch. [THORNTON grabs LISTER by the shoulders and spins around, giving him a shove forward] [-- 41 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------11:15--] [Enter LISTER, THORNTON, MP, marching double-time] [The corridors through which the threesome march seem tantalisingly familiar, with an 'eggbox' look to them, washed with grey paint] LISTER, THORNTON Left - right - left - right - left - right! LISTER Try and relax! You're gonna burst a blood vessel! THORNTON Shut up, you maggot! Do you understand? *Do you understand*!? LISTER Yes! THORNTON *"Yes -" what*!? LISTER "Yes, Mister... Shouty"..? THORNTON "YES - SIR"! [-- 42 - Int. Sleeping Quarters -------------------------------Raz--11:30--] [Enter LISTER, THORNTON, MP] [It's the sleeping quarters, viewers, and exactly as we know them! Well, almost. LISTER's old acoustic guitar is propped on one of two blue chairs under the elongated-hexagonal porthole, partially covering one of RIMMER's two swimming certificates. A silver table and chair occupy the centre of the quarters, and LISTER's fish tank rests on a second table opposite the entry hatch] THORNTON Left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - Halt! Lift arm. [LISTER rolls back the sleeve of his left arm and holds it out towards THORNTON, who slips a bulky metal bracelet around LISTER's wrist. As the clamps fasten, a red LED on one side of the security bracelet begins to flash] THORNTON At ease. [Exit MP, THORNTON] [LISTER waits, breathing hard from his recent exhertions, until the MPs disappear from view before activating his HOLLY watch and transferring the computer's image to the room's viewscreen] [Enter HOLLY] HOLLY All right, dude. LISTER They don't know about you yet, Holl. It might be an idea to keep it that way. [LISTER picks up a towel and begins drying off his face] LISTER I need some info. If the board of enquiry find us guilty tomorrow, what happens then? HOLLY Well, they'll probably have a pot of tea, a bit of a chat, and go home, I suppose. LISTER What happens to us, you divvy, not them! HOLLY Well, if you lose, you'll probably get a couple of years in the brig. LISTER What brig? HOLLY The brig on floor 13. LISTER There isn't a floor 13! HOLLY Yeah, there is. It was classified. A need-to-know only basis. LISTER So who knew? HOLLY Well, all the officers, and anyone who's ever seen the Twilight Zone. LISTER So what's it like, this brig? HOLLY Well if I was an estate agent, I'd probably describe it as an old-style penal establishment, abundant wildlife, two-hundred bedrooms, all with ensuite buckets. LISTER Smeggin' hell. HOLLY They call it The Tank. There was an inmate population of four-hundred, all being transported to Adelphi 12. Presumably, they've all been resurrected too. LISTER What are they like? No don't tell me, I already know. They're all deranged, hairy no-lobes with breath like old nappies, arms like toilet walls... scum of the universe. They're all like that, aren't they? HOLLY Well, the nice ones are, yeah. Hang on, I've got one of them on file somewhere. Here we go: [HOLLY's image is replaced by a terrifying face sporting a green centre stripe of hair, tribal tattoo's, and hundreds of studs and rings] NIGEL I'm Nigel. I'm nice! [HOLLY re-appears] HOLLY See what I mean? They're not all headbangers. Nige is lovely, though he does tend to get a bit narky if you go too close to him with a magnet. LISTER Thanks very much Holl. Y' really cheering me up. [LISTER presses a stud on his watch and HOLLY's image disappears] [Exit HOLLY] LISTER The brig. [LISTER mooches unhappily across the room and slumps into the chair] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER steps quietly through the open door, an enormously amused smile on his face, and stands behind LISTER, listening] LISTER Two years..! Two years without curry and lager! Two years without sex! [RIMMER leans on LISTER's chair and looks down over him] RIMMER You hope! [LISTER looks up, startled] LISTER Rimmer! [RIMMER saunters across the room] RIMMER Word's out they're going to throw the book at you, Listy! Followed by the bookcase, and then the library, brick by brick. LISTER God, it's you like you used to be. Ughhh. RIMMER What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug, meladdo! You're a technician! A zero! A nobody! LISTER This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots! RIMMER I died? LISTER Yeah. RIMMER All the crew died? LISTER Yeah. RIMMER And you're going to spend the next two years in the brig with a load of neanderthals with badly spelled tattoos. So where are we, is it my heaven? LISTER Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out. I survived because I was in stasis. [LISTER pushes himself to his feet and heads towards RIMMER] LISTER Then these nano's arrived... rebuilt the ship, and resurrected the crew. RIMMER So where are they? LISTER Dunno... gone, scarpered. Maybe I should take the fifth? RIMMER The fifth? If I were you, I'd take the sixth, seventh and eighth, too. LISTER I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise, who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle society. I need your help, man. RIMMER Me? LISTER Who else is going to help me? I'm confined to quarters. The minute I walk though that door - [LISTER indicates the open hatchway, then taps his security bracelet meaningfully] LISTER I get enough wattage up my jacksie to light up the whole of Bootle! RIMMER Well, considering what the future has in store for your jacksie, a couple of zillion volts is going to be easy street... [-- 43 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------15:03--] [KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, two MP'S present] [KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI proceed more sedately before the watchful eyes of their two MP guards, who follow at a distance. KRYTEN holds a notepad and pen] KOCHANSKI Why have the nanobots done this? Put us in this situation. KRYTEN In the past they have only ever done things that have ultimately benefitted us. We should take comfort in that. KOCHANSKI Like what? KRYTEN Like when they first stole Red Dwarf and took us on a merry goose chase halfway round the galaxy. They led us to Legion, where Mister Rimmer acquired a hard light body. [KRYTEN scribbles notes on his pad] KOCHANSKI Benefit. KRYTEN And then they took us back to Red Dwarf and rebooted Holly. [KRYTEN makes a note of this, too] KOCHANSKI Benefit. And, after that, they led you to the temporal rip where you met me! [Pausing in the corridor, KRYTEN ponders this for a moment before throwing both pad and pen away and stalking off. KOCHANSKI curls a lip as he goes] [Exit KRYTEN] [KOCHANSKI receives a subtle nudge from one of the MPs, and starts off after the droid, frowing] [-- 44 - Int. Corridor on officers deck ----------------------------15:34--] [CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER present] [The CMO wears a white, above-knee-length lab coat over her grey uniform of blouse and shorter skirt. She taps a foot unconsciously and checks her watch impatiently as she waits outside a door marked 'Captain's Restroom'. The flush of a toilet is heard and the door opens] [Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER] [HOLLISTER backs out of the room, spraying an aerosol can. He places the can back on a shelf before closing the door, and starts as he notices the CMO] CMO What's this rumour that we're three million light years into Deep Space, and Red Dwarf's changed shape? [HOLLISTER stares at her incredulously and exhales heavily in irritation. He heads off down the corridor, the CMO following] HOLLISTER That is classified information, Karen! Who the hell told you that? CMO The coffee machine on G-deck. HOLLISTER That damn coffee machine. I'm gonna bust his ass down to tampon dispenser! CMO Is it true? HOLLISTER Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it. [HOLLISTER pauses in front of an elevator and presses the call button] HOLLISTER Starbug took out one of his CPU banks in the crash and we're having trouble rebooting. CMO The coffee machine said the ship's now identical to its original design plans, before the JMC made all its cutbacks? HOLLISTER We now have a quark-level matter/anti-matter generator, ship-wide bio-organic computer networking, and a karaoke bar on C-deck. CMO But how? And how did we wind up in Deep Space? HOLLISTER Nobody knows... [The elevator chimes and the doors slide open. HOLLISTER steps in, and the CMO joins him] [Exit HOLLISTER, CMO] [-- 45 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------16:41--] [The elevator slides speedily down a long shaft] [-- 45 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------16:44--] [Close-up on a display screen. A medical scanner initalises and begins a scan. Messages appear as follows:] "Medi-scan enabled" [Humanoid figure appears on screen; focus reticle begins buzzing over the figure] "Anomalies detected - cardiovascular system and internal --" [-- 46 - Int. Medical lab ------------------------------------------16:50--] [CAT present] [HOLLISTER, CMO present] [The CAT is laid out on an examination table and covered with a sheet. His face twitches, as if dreaming] CMO We don't believe this one's human. Take a look at this: [The CMO lifts the sheet and HOLLISTER peers under it at CAT's chest. He whistles in suprise] HOLLISTER Has he got the measles? CMO Those are his nipples, Frank. [-- 47 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------16:57--] [Medi-scan image: six points of light appear on the torso of the humanoid image] [-- 48 - Int. Medical lab ------------------------------------------17:00--] HOLLISTER Six nipples? I wonder what the female of the species is like? [CAT suddenly peers at the Captain under hooded lids] CAT Pretty easy to please in bed! Especially if you play the piano. CMO His internal organs are different, too. HOLLISTER In what way? CMO His kidney, liver, appendix, are all colour co-ordinated. [She points out the details on the med-scan screen, and CAT grins at them proudly] CAT And even weirder, his stomach wall appears to be decorated. HOLLISTER This guy's intestines look better than my quarters. CMO His heartbeat's weird too. Instead of a normal heartbeat, his sounds... cooler... CAT You think I'm going to have the dorky human heartbeat? D-dff, d-dff, d-dff, d-dff. Where's the tune in that? HOLLISTER Let me hear it. [The CMO taps on a control pad by CAT's bed] [Fx: Pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb, pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb] CMO Also, his pulse is a different rhythm. [The CMO taps on the pad again] [Fx: pulse is layered with the heartbeat, creating a trippy bongo breakbeat] [HOLLISTER begins swaying to the beat, and the CMO glances at him over her glasses] HOLLISTER Oh, that's good. Can you slam that down on tape for me? [-- 49 - Int. Anteroom aboard Red Dwarf -----------------------Raz--18:07--] [LISTER, RIMMER present] [The pair sit at either end of a row of seats, apparently waiting before LISTER is to be called into a meeting. LISTER sits uncomfortably, turned out in full uniform - grey shirt and trousers, even a tie that, LISTER being unused to wearing, hangs about three or four inches from his neckline. A guard stands at the entrace to the anteroom] LISTER Rimmer, I'm begging you man: help me escape. I've got to track down these nanobots. RIMMER I'm not risking my career and standing for you, Listy. I'm going places! [LISTER pulls a sarcastic face to match his voice and mimes] LISTER "Up the ziggurat, lickety-split"... RIMMER Up the ziggurat, lickety-split, precisely! I'm going to pass the engineering exam! LISTER "And become an officer"... RIMMER And become an officer, yes! An officer. A guy of honour, decency and breeding. LISTER Are you saying I haven't got those qualities? RIMMER Generally, people with breeding, when they're bored and want my bridge club chums to wrap up and go home, people with breeding, generally, do not play 'Popeye the Sailor Man' with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks. LISTER I remember that! I used to do that sort of thing, didn't I? RIMMER And while we're on the subject, when someone has had a tad too much claret, and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk, people of honour generally don't take a polaroid of your snoozing todger, draw a moustache, mouth and ears on it, and then pin it up on the bulletin board under 'missing persons'. [LISTER shifts on his seat unconfortably and nods] RIMMER They don't write underneath, "Have you seen this man? Believed to be a French movie star". LISTER As if your todger with a couple of eyes drawn on it would look like a French movie star. Way too good looking. RIMMER Don't expect help from me, Lister. LISTER But that was years ago... RIMMER It was last week! LISTER Last week for you, because you've just been resurrected; years ago for me. And anyway I was whirlitzered then. I even finished off the advocar. I even downed that smeg-awful pink stuff down the back of the drinks cabinet. RIMMER That was my Windowlene... I must have left it there when I was cleaning the glass. LISTER It tasted all right with that Chartruess green liqueurey thing in it. [RIMMER stares at LISTER] RIMMER You drank my Swarfega too? You're unbelievable. LISTER Look, I've changed, I'm different now... more mature, more debonair. I don't even stir my tea with a spanner any more. You'd hardly recognise me. RIMMER Have you stopped playing the guitar? LISTER No, but I've stopped accompanying myself on the armpit. What I'm trying to say is that I don't need to take my frustrations out on you anymore. RIMMER How's that? LISTER I've been away, what is it? Five, six years, not counting stasis? I've done stuff! Stuff that would make your hair straight. I've come through it. I can help you... RIMMER Do what? LISTER Get promoted. [RIMMER laughs shortly] RIMMER Preposterous! How? LISTER Information. I've seen the crew's confidential reports. I've seen their strengths and weaknesses... RIMMER How? LISTER Well, before you were resurrected, I had the run of the whole of the ship. I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist, the works. Knowledge is power. Who said that? RIMMER I don't know. LISTER Nor do I. The point I'm trying to make is, I can make you look like a genius. You can get promoted in the field, man, you won't have to take exams, or do that astro-engineering smeg... Just, help me escape. RIMMER I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of power and glory? You really think -- Okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to prove it to me first. LISTER You're on. RIMMER Get me promoted. LISTER You've got it. RIMMER Okay, deal. LISTER You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it. [-- 50 - Int. Medical office aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------21:48--] [KRYTEN, COUNSELLOR present] [The two are seated at a table in a small but uncluttered room, sparesely furnished and with few distractions, other than the small porthole set into the wall above the table. The man seated opposite KRYTEN is of middle years, small, has a receeding hairline and smiles decidedly too much] COUNSELLOR Hello, I'm Doctor Lucas McClaren; I am the ship's chief 'psychiatric counsellor', and I thought it's about time we got together, and had a really good natter. [The COUNSELLOR manages to patronise without seeming to be aware of it, speaking as though to a child or, more likely in his line of work, a 'delicately balanced' person. All of this has no effect upon KRYTEN, of course, who sits congenially through the COUNSELLOR's opening spiel] KRYTEN My name is Kryten, sir. COUNSELLOR Lovely! We are doing well, aren't we! [The COUNSELLOR makes a note of the name on his clipboard] COUNSELLOR Now, you're a robot, aren't you? KRYTEN I was, the last time I looked, sir, yes. COUNSELLOR And can you tell me, when you were created, can you remember? KRYTEN 2340 sir. COUNSELLOR Very good, 2340. [The COUNSELLOR notes down KRYTEN's answer, before pausing and glancing up at the mechanoid as though recognising a mischievous joke] COUNSELLOR Now, that's in the future, isn't it? KRYTEN Yes sir, I was created after you died. COUNSELLOR Lovely! Lovely! So, I died, er, and you were created. And how long would you say I've been dead, altogether? KRYTEN Oh, you're not dead any more, sir. COUNSELLOR Aren't I? KRYTEN No no, you're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell? COUNSELLOR Right! I *was* alive, died, and then started living again..? KRYTEN You have been most fortunate, sir! [The COUNSELLOR laughs along with the percieved joke, obviously uncomfortable ] COUNSELLOR I have, haven't I? Golly! Your chair is screwed down, isn't it, Kryten? [KRYTEN dutifully checks, puzzled, and nods confirmation] KRYTEN Er, yes, sir? COUNSELLOR Just checking! Excellent, lovely, lovely! So-o, how did I suddenly spring back to life again? KRYTEN You were rebuilt, sir, by these itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, teenty little robots! COUNSELLOR 'Teenty little robots'? KRYTEN And they make this little noise - 'miniminiminiminiminiminiminiminimini'! COUNSELLOR Yes, just double check that chair for me, would you, Kryten? [Again KRYTEN checks, as instruccted] COUNSELLOR It is still screwed down, isn't it? KRYTEN Er, yes, sir. COUNSELLOR With really long, long screws that go deep, deep into the ground? [KRYTEN attempts an experimental shake of the chair, which doesn't move] KRYTEN Er, yes, sir. COUNSELLOR Okay, now tell me, what kind of robot do you think you are? What were you programmed to do? KRYTEN Oh well, I'm a sanitation droid, sir. I'm programmed to do sanitation-type things: washing, cleaning, ironing. COUNSELLOR Hmm. You also drive spaceships though, don't you? Pretend to be the science officer, and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair, with all those lovely, pretty buttons and press them all? KRYTEN Yes, I do that too, sir. That's sort of thanks to Mister Lister. COUNSELLOR Mister Lister..? [The COUNSELLOR shuffles a few papers, looking for references to the name] KRYTEN He helped break my programming, sir. Over the years I have managed to develop some serious character faults of which I'm extremely proud! I'm even able to lie to a modest standard, for example: "you have a very fine hair cut!" [KRYTEN laughs heartily, either as part of his example, or, perhaps, as a result of it. The COUNSELLOR catches on and laughs along for safety] COUNSELLOR You see how good I've got? Also, "I've completely mastered pomposity, even though I say so myself!" I've also developed several rudimentary emotions, including fear: "Oh my God! It's going to kill us!"; sadness: "Oh my God, it's killed us"; happiness: "oh no it hasn't!"; surprise: "Oohh! I've turned into a frog!", and just lately, I'm proud to say, I've got the hang of anger, with rudimentary mindless violence: [KRYTEN abruptly lets out a yell and thumps a fist down over the COUNSELLOR's hand, who grimaces before again attempting to play along with the mechanoid in the usual, easy-going psychiatric manner] KRYTEN That's a newie. [The COUNSELLOR nods in solicitous agreement, then begins making notes on his clipboard as KRYTEN prattles on] KRYTEN I was going to launch it at this year's Emotion Show. At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence, which means feeling two opposite, irreconcilable emotions about the same thing: [KRYTEN works his facial servos diligently, yet all he achieves is to produce a series of disjointed grimaces, scowls and less obvious spasms. The COUNSELLOR watches, bemused] KRYTEN As you can see, I haven't quite got the hang of that one yet. I look like a dog with a caramel toffee. [The COUNSELLOR checks his notes] COUNSELLOR What is your relationship with Lister? KRYTEN I love Mister Lister, sir, he taught me everything. Without him, I'd probably be normal. COUNSELLOR I'm going to make a recommendation now, Kryten, which I think will help you, but just before I do, just double check that chair for me, would you? [The counsellor rubber-stamps his form, the stamp bears the legend: "RESTORE TO FACTORY SETTINGS"] [-- 51 - CGI/Model / live action composite -------------------------25:33--] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER strides through a large, open bay within Red Dwarf] [-- 52 - Int. Starbug wreckage -------------------------------------25:37--] [RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and picks his way through the blackened debris. He searches loops of charred cabling until he discovers the remains of a set of computer terminals. He ejects a disk from one such] RIMMER Yes! [RIMMER slips the disk into a thigh pocket and, in glancing down, notices something on the floor. He retrieves two small vials, one containing blue liquid, the other red, and holds them up to examine the labels printed on each stopper] RIMMER "Luck virus"; "Sexual Magnetism"? [RIMMER presses a stud on his wristwatch and activates HOLLY] [Enter HOLLY] RIMMER Holly, what's this? HOLLY Dave got them years ago from this scientist called Lanstrom. They're positive viruses. One gives you sexual magnetism, and the other gives you luck. Well, 'til your natural body defences combat the virus. [RIMMER stares into the depths of the red liquid, afire with the possibilities] RIMMER Sexual magnetism! HOLLY You gonna use it? RIMMER Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am! A tiny swigette to see if it works. [RIMMER unscrews the stopper and holds up the vial] RIMMER Well, bottoms up! [He takes a sip of the liquid - from his expression its not unpleasant, though obviously not what he expected] RIMMER Then bottoms down, and hopefully bottoms up again! [RIMMER laughs to himself, re-fastens the vial and scarpers] [Exit RIMMER] [A message flashes on HOLLY's screen: "SICKBAGS ON STANDBY"] [-- 53 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------26:32--] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMERS saunters through a corridor in the crew section] [Enter THREE FEMALE CREWMEMBERS] [The three women are talking between themselves in the corner of the corridor, which curves at a right-angle at that point to lead further through the crew section. At soon as RIMMER approaches, they break off their conversation and eye him closely as he walks by, smiling. He inclines his head politely] WOMEN Hi, Arn... [RIMMER's eyebrows climb in pleasant surprise as he quickly turns away to proceed along the corridor, a swagger to his step. The women pass murmured comments between themselves as they watch him depart] [Enter TWO FEMALE CREWMEMBERS] [RIMMER approaches two more women further along the corridor and smiles broadly] RIMMER Ladies! WOMEN Hi, Arnold... [RIMMER can barely contain himself as he walks on by, the five women eying him appreciatively as he goes] RIMMER The world loves a bastard! [Legend: "TO BE CONTINUED!"] [-------------------- END OF "BACK IN THE RED, part 1" -------------26:49--] [CAST REFERENCE] RIMMER LISTER CAT Chris Barrie Craig Charles Danny John-Jules KRYTEN KOCHANSKI HOLLY Robert Llewellyn Chloe Annett Norman Lovett CAPTAIN [HOLLISTER] CHEN SELBY Mac McDonald Paul Bradley David Gillespie MP THORNTON [CMO] KAREN NEWTON [COUNSELLOR] LUCAS MCCLAREN Karl Glenn Stimpson Kika Mirylees Andy Taylor [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "" Thanks.]