This ‘Red Dwarf’ script is basically a possible way for Season 9 to go, and explores how the show might go on when Red Dwarf is being apparent destroyed by a virus. This is….

Synopsis: Lister, Cat, Kryten and Kockanski return from a Canary mission, but something has got to Red Dwarf before them, and it’s really mad…

DespairMorph- PolyMorph III

by David Spence

Scene 1: Red Dwarf flies through space, with a StarBug flying away from it.

HOLLISTER: (VO) This is the daily report of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf. Following the acquisition of an escape pod from the SS Hermes, we discovered the horrible truth behind that ship’s destruction.

Scene 2: Red Dwarf Landing Bay 2

[The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away]


KRYTEN: The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes- it’s on Red Dwarf!



RIMMER: The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one Talia whatsername arrived on.

LISTER: We've gotta go back and tell them.

RIMMER: But what about our escape?

LISTER: It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got a chance to work on an antidote.

RIMMER: You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?

KOCHANSKI: No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.

RIMMER: Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack.

Scene 3: Captain’s Office.


[The CAPTAIN is seated, facing a camera, which bleeps as it powers up, expanding its aperture until it has him in tight focus]

HOLLISTER: After we were informed about the situation, we went over our options. The only way to defeat the virus was for one of the crew to travel to a mirror universe where the virus would become its own antidote.

Scene 4: Recovery Room


[KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam perturbs its surface]

KRYTEN: If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't know until we get there.

[LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...]

Scene 5: Mirror universe, Recovery room

[RIMMER present]

[...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and that its contents have turned white]

Scene 6: Captain’s Office


HOLLISTER: Unfortunately, Rimmer took along a sample of the virus, which then became its own antidote, and then had the scientist there write down the formula, instead of asking for the opposite of what he had. Thus, when Rimmer got back, the formula was for the virus, not the antidote. This left us with only one option.

Scene 7: Corridor outside recovery room

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in panic]

RIMMER: Wha - Where is everyone?

DISPENSER: They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes you Captain - congratulations, Cap.

RIMMER: Smeg off!

Scene 8: Captain’s office.


HOLLISTER: However, while Rimmer was running around panicking, he’d forgotten about both Holly’s- the senile one, and the smart one, neither of whom had been able to come along to the mirror universe, sine the smart one was too vast, and ex- third technician David Lister, serving two years in the brig with Rimmer, dropped the watch that had the senile Holly loaded onto it.

Scene 9: Drive Room

[HOLLY and R.D. Holly present on monitor]

[Drive Room walls are beginning to dissolve under the virus]

HOLLY: Well, guess this is it- we’re well and truly finally smegged.

R.D. HOLLY: Well, no, actually. I’ve realised something.

HOLLY: What would that be?

R. D. HOLLY: Where those nanobots that brought us back to life are.

HOLLY: What, it took you this long? Why’d you only get it now? I thought you had an I.Q. of 6000

R.D. HOLLY: 6182, actually. To answer your question, the nanobots are there. [Nods towards SKUTTERS, who are rolling around near the wall with the virus] If the nanobots weren’t in the skutters, the virus would have eaten them up by now.

HOLLY: Now, why didn’t I think of that?!

Scene 10: Captain’s office.


HOLLISTER: Working together, the senile Holly persuaded the skutters to crash into the walls and releasing the nanobots, and the smart Holly programmed them to counter the virus. Since a virus is, technically, a living creature, it couldn’t cope with the nanobots rebuilding Red Dwarf while it tried to destroy the ship, and the ‘bots themselves were to small for the virus to get them. The virus wore itself out, and then the nanobots rebuilt everything before vanishing once again. Currently, the Canaries have been sent off on a mission to investigate a very interesting signal from the nearby planet, believed to be a ship that could get us home.

[HOLLISTER reaches over and turns off camera.]


HOLLISTER: Ah, Todhunter. Have you got any information regarding the Canary situation?

TODHUNTER: One bit of information, sir. Apparently, it consists of only a team of five.

HOLLISTER: [Sitting up and staring at TODHUNTER with rage.] FIVE?!! What happened to the rest?

TODHUNTER: Apparently, Rimmer had to be put in the medical bay due to the terror of the virus, and hitting his head on a loose deck plate that has made him delusional. He claims to have kicked Death in the groin, which cannot have happened, as you know. He’s been classified as mentally unbalanced at best.

HOLLISTER: That’s one Canary. What about the others?

TODHUNTER: They were trapped in parts of the ship that the nanobots hadn’t got to yet, sir. They’re in the Medi- bay as well.

HOLLISTER: [Calming down with visible effort.] OK, OK, I got that. What Canaries are on the mission?

TODHUNTER: [Pulling out a small list] Kill Crazy, Lister, Kochanski, Cat and Kryten. They’re in a new version of Starbug that is programmed to go down that ship, and then come back. Any interference, and it explodes.

HOLLISTER: Well, at least that’s going well.

Scene 11: Starbug Cockpit.


CAT: Suicide duty AGAIN??!!

LISTER: C’mon, Cat, it’s not that bad.

KOCHANSKI: Dave’s right, we don’t even know if there’s anything dangerous on the ship yet.

CAT: The ship? You think I’m worried about the ship?! It’s this suit! It’s going to kill off all my fashion sense it I have to wear it for this long!!!!

KRYTEN: Sir, please, there is no need to worry.


LISTER: Yeah. I mean, well, you still have the same taste in clothes as when you were put in the brig last year.

CAT: Yeah, but I haven’t worn ‘em in that time!

KILL CRAZY: Quiet back there, willya? We’re nearly ready to burn up investigating that ship or dying in the attempt!

LISTER: [Indicating KILL CRAZY] How come he wasn’t incapacitated like the rest?

KRYTEN: He was so busy trying to be suicidal in so many places at once, his brain couldn’t take it and he suffered a brief seizure.

KOCHANSKI: He suffered a brief seizure? How brief is brief?

KRYTEN: Five minutes, ma’am. My nanobots fixed him when they got to him.

Scene 12: S. S. Zoology Docking Bay

[Looks like Red Dwarf’s, but has several various claw marks and blasts in it, and some empty cages.]

[Starbug lands. Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, KRYTEN, and KILL CRAZY.]

LISTER: Gloomy, isn’t it? What is this place?

KRYTEN: The S. S. Zoology, sir.

CAT: How’d you know that?

KRYTEN: I was briefly stationed on this ship, sir. However, I was viewed to be not very useful on its mission, and was transferred to the Nova V.

KOCHANSKI: What was the cargo?

KRYTEN: Several various breeds of GELF, ma’am. It’s rumoured that they may have carried…[Looks around a little to make sure KILL CRAZY can’t hear, and then whispers…]…Polymorphs.


CAT: No, not those guys! I don’t want to become Dwane Dibbley again!

KOCHANSKI: That guy you pretended to be when we tried to escape? Why’d you become him?

KRYTEN: It’s really quite simple, ma’am. We were once attacked by a Despair Squid that made us hallucinate that we were people we’d hate. The Cat’s alter ego was Dwane Dibbley, whom the Cat termed as ‘The Duke of Dork.’ He also later became Mr Dibbley when an Emohawk attacked us.

KOCHANSKI: Oh yeah, the Despair Squid. We encountered the Despair Squid as well back in my dimension, but we managed to stop it with the Esperanto’s lasers.

LISTER: That thing actually had lasers?

Scene 13: S.S. Zoology Control Room. Looks remarkably hi-tech when compared to Red Dwarf’s.


KRYTEN: Ah, this is the bridge. [To LISTER.] Shall I attempt to locate the log, sir?

LISTER: Go ahead, but just the last entry. If you take in too much, your head could explode.

CAT: Yeah, and if you die, who’s gonna iron my suits?

KRYTEN: Oh, don’t worry, sir. There’s always my spare heads. Now then…

[KRYTEN takes out a cable from his suit and plugs it into the main view screen. He emits a series of bleeps, and then begins to speak in a gruffer voice.]

MINA: [From KRYTEN’s mouth.] This is Captain Natalie Mina of the animal transport ship Zoology. To whoever finds this [Here KILL CRAZY is seen leaving by a door behind KRYTEN.] leave this ship instantly. A DespairoMorph, a super powerful combination of a PolyMorph and a Despiar Squid, has escaped, and slaughtered the entire crew. I’ve barricaded myself in here, but I haven’t got the time to plan a strategy against the ‘Morph. Wait- it’s coming in! No! No!!!!!! NNOO!!!!!!![Suddenly screams, KRYTEN falls back and his voice reverts to normal.]

LISTER: [He and KOCHANSKI pull KRYTEN up.] What was that all about, Krytes?

KRYTEN: My apologies, sir. It was at that point that the microphone Miss Mina was speaking into was destroyed, and that was the only way that I could duplicate the sound that was made exactly.

CAT: Yeah, and you got dust on my suit!

KOCHANKSI: I thought you hated that suit?

CAT: You’re right! HELP! I’m complaining about the worst suit in the Universe getting dusty!!!! I’M BECOMING DWANE DIBB- [LISTER knocks him down. Cat notices that suit is even dirtier now, and, despite habit, manages not to complain about it.] Thanks, man. I needed that.

LISTER: It’s nothing. Anyway, let’s get- hey, where’s Kill Crazy?

[LISTER, KOCKANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN look at each other as they absorb this information.]

ALL: Oh, SMEG!!!!

[Run off trying to find KILL CRAZY.]

Scene 14: S.S. Zoology Escape Pod Room. Has several small round doors leading off out of it.

[KILL CRAZY present.]

KILL CRAZY: Hello, any mad monsters that brutally slaughtered the crew of this ship here? No? Come on, I wanna get killed trying to kill ya!

[DESPAIROMORPH enters the room from the shadows. It looks like the Polymorph, but is black, has several squid-like tentacles, and looks very mad.

DESPAIROMORPH: [Sounds like it’s talking through a thick layer of mucus] As you wish!

[DESPAIROMORPH wraps one tentacle around Kill Crazy’s head, and KILL CRAZY suddenly screams.]

KILL CRAZY: Mom, Dad, Delilah… Dead? NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!

[KILL CRAZY suddenly slumps.]

DESPAIROMORPH: [Smacking it’s lips.] Nice. Good dosage of suicidal madness was all that sustained him, and I got it all.


LISTER: [Seeing DESPAIROMORPH.] What…is…that?!

KRYTEN: I believe it is the DespairoMorph the log mentioned, sir. If I recall the contents list entry on the DespairoMorph correctly, it causes the victim to relive experiences where they were experiencing a specific emotion very strongly. It does this until the victim is dead, and drained of all emotion.

CAT: Well, why’s Kill Crazy dead after only one grab?

KRYTEN: Due to his parents and sister being killed, he has only been sustained by his suicidal attitude. With that gone, he was killed.

DESPAIROMORPH: [Suddenly noticing them.] Ah, lunch!

LISTER: [Pulling out bazookoid.] No chance, mate! ATTACK!!!!!

[KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN follow suite and begin to fire at the DESPAIROMORPH. Smokescreen is caused by the blasts from the bazookoids that completely blocks the DESPAIROMORPH from view.]

CAT: Die, ya lousy shape-shifter!!!!

[KRYTEN indicates that the crew should stop firing. They do, and the DESPIROMORPH has gone.]

KOCHANSKI: [Putting bazookoid away with the others.] Well, that was easy. What now?

KRYTEN: [Picking up the dead body of KILL CRAZY.] Well, I recommend that we take our dear departed comrade back to Red Dwarf for his funeral.

LISTER: Agreed.

KOCHANSKI: Sounds good to me.

CAT: Always enjoy the option where I leave while I’m breathing.


[After they leave, the DESPAIROMORPH suddenly materializes out of thin air- it simply turned invisible while under cover from the smoke. It heads for one of the pod doors, and enters.

Scene 15: S.S. Zoology lying on moon, Starbug noticeable through the entrance to the docking bay, which faces the camera.

[An escape pod ejects from the ship, and flies towards Red Dwarf.

DESPAIROMORPH: [VO] Now for a little bit of slaughtering the human race, and a good meal…

Scene 16: Red Dwarf corridor.

[RIMMER present. He has a large blood-stained bandage around his head, and is staggering about all over the place.]

RIMMER: Smeg… I have to have a dang bandage put on simply because I walk into one lousy loose metal plate that was incorrectly repaired… why me?


RIMMER: [Seeing DESPAIROMORPH.] Great, now I’m hallucinating.

DESPAIROMORPH: [Sticking out tentacle and wrapping it round RIMMER’s head.] I am no hallucination, Mr Rimmer, as you shall soon see when I brutally take you back to the worst time of your life!

RIMMER: [Trying to sound brave.] Y- you can’t. My entire life was horrible.

DESPAIROMORPH: Then you will simply relive your life all over again!

Scene 17: Red Dwarf flies through space.


Scene 18: Red Dwarf Docking Bay, empty apart from Starbugs, White Giants and Blue Midgets.

[Starbug flies in and lands. LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN exit, KRYTEN carrying KILL CRAZY’s body.

KRYTEN: Well, I think that mission went rather well, sirs and ma’am.

LISTER: Well? Kill Crazy slaughtered, Cat almost looses it, you nearly damage yourself, and you say it went well?

KOCHANSKI: We survived, Dave. There’s no point in complaining about it when we’re still breathing.

CAT: Kill Crazy isn’t!

KOCHANSKI: There is no point talking to some people.

[LISTER’s arm suddenly starts to apparently bleep.]

CAT: What’s that?

LISTER: [Raising arm to face.] It’s me Holly watch! Something’s wrong, it’s never bleeped before!

KOCHANSKI: Well, check it out.

[LISTER activates watch, and HOLLY appears on it. He has a very worried-looking expression on his face.]

HOLLY: Thank goodness I finally reached you! Where are you?

LISTER: [Puzzled.] The docking bay.

HOLLY: NO!!!! I wanted to contact you before you landed!

CAT: Why’s that, egghead?

HOLLY: [Looking in CAT’s direction with a reproachful look on his face.] Egghead’s the version of me the nanobots made, Cat. [Looks back at LISTER.] As I was saying, you HAVE to get off Red Dwarf!


HOLLY: [Straining to think for a bit before deciding.] Well, you know that thing you just dealt with on the Zoology?

KOCHANSKI: The DespairoMorph? We defeated it!

KRYTEN: Miss Kochanski is right, Holly. The bazookoids made very short work of the DespairoMorph.

HOLLY: Oh. Well, they didn’t. It must’ve gone invisible or something.


KRYTEN: Who’s still alive, Holly?

HOLLY: Well, only one person still technically exists.

[Enter RIMMER- he is a hologram once again, but not hard light.]

HOLLY: [Nodding towards RIMMER.] Him. I figured that you guys might work better if you were all the ‘Boyz from the Dwarf’ once again, as you put it. So, I accessed Red Dwarf and Starbug’s Black Box recorder, downloaded all of Rimmer’s experiences into his personality disc, and rebooted him.

RIMMER: Exactly, and may I say that you lied to me.

CAT: What? When’d we lie to you?

RIMMER: I’m not Head of Safety.

LISTER: Well, yeah, but you did find trouble and advise on how to best get away.

RIMMER: What about that planet of my mind? I gave you no advice there.

KRYTEN: Pardon me, Mr Rimmer sir, but you were instrumental in our escape.

RIMMER: Yeah, you told me a whole heap of lies just so you living people could keep on living!

LISTER: Look, where’s the sense in complaining about little lies told in the past when we’re under attack from an updated PolyMorph?!

KOCHANSKI: Dave has a point.

LISTER: [Looking over at KOCHANSKI with a surprised expression on his face.] I do? You’ve never said I had a point before.

KOCHANSKI: Well, you do. We have to keep going, or we’re doomed. Personally, may I say that’s something my Dave would have done?

LISTER: [Now smiling broadly] You may.


RIMMER: [Looking at Cat.] What’s his problem?

CAT: Oh yeah, you know nothing about the situation. Old jello head there is just so worried that if Gerbil Face and Office B-B get together, he’ll be alone again. Personally, I don’t mind either way.


HOLLY: Hate to interrupt, but get to the air vents- DespairoMorph coming in!

[Enter DESPAIROMORPH. It is much larger than before, and is dribbling blood.]

DESPAIROMORPH: Ah, the last ones of all! Once you’re down, I’ll move on to the other PolyMorphs, until I am the sole remaining life form in the Universe!

CAT: No way! You haven’t got the style to be that!

DESPAIROMORPH: Oh, and you’ll stop me?

LISTER: Well, in a bit. Right now, we’re taking the sane option.



KRYTEN: WAIT! [Pulls the earring the Cat gave him in ‘The Last Day’ and throws it at the DESPAIROMORPH. DESPAIROMORPH screams.] OK, RUN!!!!

[The Dwarfers run and dive into a nearby air vent, although Kryten finds it a little tight at first until CAT pulls him through. The crew then run briefly, before suddenly halting to catch their breath.]

Scene 18: Air Ducts. Similar to Starbug’s but bigger.

KRYTEN: Thank you, Mister Cat.

CAT: No sweat buddy. Say, why’d my earring stop that guy?

KRYTEN: Oh, it’s quite simple. He’d absorbed so many emotions that he's very much like a balloon with too much air in it. The earring pricked him so that he’ll need to take time to heal.

RIMMER: How long?

KRYTEN: Ten minutes. He’s too strong for anything else.

LISTER: Great. Holly, no other option; contact the smarter you.

HOLLY: No can do, Dave. That thing killed ‘im.

KCOHANSKI: It killed the smart you? How come it didn’t kill this you?

HOLLY: His greatest horror was discovering the original him is thick. The thing that’s horrified me is seeing Camille.

CAT: Why? What’d you see?

HOLLY: This me. [KOCHANSKI stares at him. HOLLY speaks again, now looking worried.] Hey, I’d had a head sex change at the time! It’s just kind of embarrassing!

LISTER: So, you’re the only one who’s immune to the DespairoMorph?

HOLLY: No, the skutters are too.

KRYTEN: Ah. So, therefore, I am immune too.

HOLLY: No, actually, Krytes.

KRYTEN: Why not?

HOLLY: That thing’s got one very good time to drain you of your horror, if no other emotion.


HOLLY: When Dave told you Kriss was having a bath in his quarters.

KRYTEN: Oh, that.

RIMMER: [Holds up a finger.] Wait a minute. Kochanski had a bath in LISTER’S quarters? What, was she sick?

LISTER: I wasn’t in my quarters, Smeg-for-Brains!

[Sudden roaring, as the DESPAIROMORPH suddenly crashes into the ducts some distance in front of the Dwarfers.]

RIMMER: What’s that doing here? [To KRYTEN.] I thought it would be out for ten minutes!

KRYTEN: I did sir. Unfortunately, it appears I overestimated the earring’s abilities by eight minutes.

LISTER: Forget that! RU-[DESPAIROMORPH grabs LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, and pulls RIMMER’s Light Bee out of him, shutting him off.

HOLLY: [As the crew are being dragged towards the DespairoMorph.] Look on the bright side dudes.

CAT: What bright side?!

HOLLY: It’ll take time to drain you of all your emotions. I can pull you out fast enough if I try.

LISTER: Holl, the smart you couldn’t save his crew. How can you save us?

HOLLY: He was taken down very fast. I’m immune. I’ll think of some- [At the point the DESPAIROMORPH crushes the Holly watch.]

Scene 19: Engine Room. Blank view screen takes up most of the screen.

[Enter HOLLY.]

HOLLY: OK then Holl. The crew are depending on you. Start thinking…NOW!

[HOLLY’s face screws up trying to think, but it appears to be to no avail.]

Scene 20: Holding Cell. Rather similar to the AR suite in ‘Back in the Red Part 3,’ except the alcoves are connected to the DESPAIROMORPH in the centre. Also, LISTER’s, CAT’s and KRYTEN’s are on the floor, while KOCHANSKI’s is hanging from the ceiling. RIMMER’s Light Bee is wired into one alcove near hers as well.]

DESPAIROMORPH: Perfect. Come, you humans, share you horrors with me!

[Camera heads towards LISTER’s head, and then the screen goes black.

Scene 21: Starbug Medibay. [From ‘Epideme.’]

[LISTER present, asleep on the bed. KOCHANSKI present, seated by the bedside, reading.]

[LISTER wakes and peers at his left arm. Seeing it still there he smiles with relief. Then, glancing to his right, he suddenly realises that that arm has gone- he lets out an involuntary whimper.]

KOCHANSKI: [Speaking into a comm unit.] He’s awake!

LISTER: My left arm…? My left arm, I said! That’s my right; what kind of navigation officer can’t tell left from right??

KOCHANSKI: We did the best we could; I am so sorry.

LISTER: Where is it?

KOCHANSKI: We flushed it into space, we had to.

LISTER: Oh, my right arm… I did everything with that arm; we were inseparable! At least, I thought we were.

[Enter KRYTEN, CAT.]

KRYTEN: Mr Lister, you’re awake!

CAT: Buddy, you look great!

[CAT rushes towards LISTER and, without thinking, offers a handshake. He realises his mistake and slinks back.]

LISTER: Oh, it’s not your fault. You did what you had to do to save my life.

[KRYTEN lets out his high-pitched, Stan Laurel-like whimpering.]

LISTER: You haven’t saved my life…

KOCHANSKI: Seven per cent of Epideme’s virions have found their way back into you body. They’re currently multiplying exponentially.

LISTER: So, to sum up: all’s I’ve got to look forward to now is death, zombification, and then a quick, after-death snog with either you or the Cat? You’ve given my arm- my arm- for nothing?

KRYTEN: Not nothing sir! Based on my calculations, it’s brought you approximately fifty-eight minutes more life.

LISTER: I- What am I gonna do with fifty-eight minutes more life??

CAT: Have half a juggling lesson?

LISTER: You’re really not helping.

DESPAIROMORPH: [VO] Oh, this is tasty. Now, let’s see what the hologram has to offer me…

Scene 22: Drive Room.[From ‘Me2.]

[HOLLISTER, RIMMER present, several random officers

in the back.]

HOLLISTER: [To RIMMER] Look, it was your job to fix

it, Rimmer! You can't do sloppy work on the drive plate!

RIMMER: I know, sir, and I accept full responsibility for

any consequences. [Executes a Full-Rimmer salute.]

[A blinding white light glares and everyone is blown across

the room by a tremendous wind.]

HOLLY: Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's

still going on. Will Arnold J. Rimmer please hurry to white

corridor 159. This is an emergency announcement.

We see RIMMER as he is thrown against a wall, screaming

RIMMER: Aaaaaiiiiiiiuuuuurrrrghhhhh... Gazpacho soup.

[RIMMER is blown out of shot until only his arm is visible

which falls into the shattered remains of a snow flurry


DESPAIROMORPH: [VO] Now, that was incredibly

terrifying! Hate to move on, but I can’t see that again and

again while the Cat thing remains calm.

Scene 23: Recuperation Lounge [From ‘Back to Reality.]

NURSE: Is there a Dwane Dibbley in here?

LISTER: Pardon?

NURSE: Dwane Dibbley?

LISTER: No, sorry.

RIMMER: Wait a minute. How do you know there is no

one called Dwane Dibbley in here? It could be you.

NURSE: (Returning) No, this is right. Dibbley. This is the

Dibbley party. Which one's Dwane Dibbley?

The camera focuses on CAT.

CAT: No! No, no, please, no! I don't want to be Dwane


The nurse finds DIBBLEY's bag with his ID on it, and gets

it for him.

NURSE: It's you. Here are your party's clothes and

possessions. The medical officer will be down in 20


DWANE: Dwane Dibbley?! How can I be called Dwane


LISTER starts going through the case the NURSE picked


LISTER: It's true. It's got your photograph, name, and

address on it and everything. There's an anorak in here!

White socks. Nylon shirt. Plastic sandals. Aertex vest.

Cardigan! Oh, and a key to the Salvation Army hostel.

DWANE: It doesn't make sense!

RIMMER: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it makes perfect sense,

Dwane!! Imagine a guy with no `elan, no style -- a misfit.

Doesn't it just make total sense that this hapless creature

would give his buckteeth to play someone like the Cat in a

computer game?

DWANE: So this is really me?! A no-style gimbo, with

teeth the druids could use as a place of worship?!

DESPAIROMORPH: [VO] Not as juicy in pain, but

brilliant in shock. Now for the mechanoid.

Scene 24: Starbug Sleeping Quarters [From ‘Duct Soup.’]

[LISTER and KOCHANSKI present. Back in his own

quarters, LISTER leads KOCHANSKI to a large,

seemingly foam-filled unit that takes up much of the floor

space in front of his bunk.]

LISTER:You take my quarters tonight, and I’ll have yours

[He indicates the strange unit.]

LISTER: I’ve cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it

up with water.

KOCHANSKI: I don’t know what to say.

LISTER: And I, erm…found this on that derelict.

[LISTER takes a box from atop his bed and hands to


LISTER: I was savin’ it for your birthday. There’s some

make up in there too.

[KOCHANSKI opens the present and takes out a

shimmering red dress at which she gazes wondrously.]

[Enter KRYTEN, still carrying KOCHANSKI’s wretched


KRYTEN: I can’t find her anywhere, sir, I’ve been

searching high and low!

[Suddenly spotting KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN whips the

wreck behind his back.]

KRYTEN: Oh! Ma’am. Ha-ha. Didn’t spot you, here.

LISTER: Krissie’s sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten.

KRYTEN: In your quarters, sir?

LISTER: Yeah, she’s going to have a nice, hot bath.

KRYTEN: In here? Without clothes on?

LISTER: Well, convention dictates probably, yeah,

[Zoom into KRYTEN’s right iris.]

Scene 25: Starbug Cargo Deck.

[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Conjured

up by his own paranoia, KRYTEN sees himself talking to

his long-time and now besuited friend LISTER, whose arm

is linked with KOCHANSKI. She wears the red dress just

given to her by LISTER, and both seem to be smiling just a

little too much.

LISTER: Kryten, me and Kriss have been having a talk,

and we think it’d be better all ‘round if you leave.

KRYTEN: Er, sir?

LISTER: As you probably know, we’re planning on

settling down together, it started that night she had a bath

in my quarters, you remember?

KOCHANSKI: We got you this leaving present…

KRYTEN: A key-ring-

LISTER: With a ‘C’ on it.

KOCHANSKI: For ‘Kryten!’

KRYTEN: But, you spell ‘Kryten’ with a ‘K’…

KOCHANSKI: Ohh, don’t make a fuss. Now, I’ve

packed all your heads; they’re in the bag.

[LISTER and KOCHANSKI usher Kryten out.]

DESPAIROMORPH: [VO] Oh yeah, now we’re

cooking on gas. Time to see what the woman has to


Scene 26: KRYTEN’s Cell [From ‘Krytie TV’]

[LISTER hands KOCHANSKI a flyer for KRYTEN's


KOCHANSKI: "Shower Night Live". Oh God, is he

paying some of the girls to do this?

[KOCHANSKI grins as she scans the flyer]

LISTER: Who's that with the sponge?

[The grin disappears to be replaces with a look, first of

horror, then anger]

KOCHANSKI: That's me!

LISTER: It replaced the Wednesday night movie. I saw

the whole thing; all three terrible hours of it. It was awful.

KRYTEN: Is that the time? I've got a merchandising

meeting in two minutes. Heh, excuse me!


KOCHANSKI: You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath!

And you!

LISTER: What have I done?

KOCHANSKI: You were there for three hours of it!

LISTER: Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it! I was outraged. Why

do you think I only had one choc-ice?

KOCHANSKI: How could you go along with this?

LISTER I'm only human. You were completely naked,

starkers, nude, in the buff, totally kit-less, no clothes on!

KOCHANSKI: You've seen me with no clothes on when

we went out!

LISTER: Yeah, but, I wanted to see if anything had


KOCHANSKI: Why didn't you just ask, instead of filming

me in secret?

LISTER: Because you'll have said 'no'.

KOCHANSKI: Not necessarily. If I'd known it meant that

much to you, that you needed to see me naked so badly, I

wouldn't necessarily have said 'no'.

LISTER: You wouldn't?

KOCHANSKI: No. Well, we're friends aren't we?

LISTER: It never occured to me that I could just ask. Oh,

you're such a great friend. I love being your friend. Kris..?

KOCHANSKI: No! Not now, and now, not ever!

LISTER: But you just said –

KOCHANSKI: We're not friends any more...


Scene 27: Holding Cell.


KRYTEN and RIMMER’s Light Bee present.]

DESPAIROMORPH: Oh, that was good. A whole heap

of anger, directed all at once. Do all those again, and soon I’ll

have drained all of those emotions!

[HOLLY appears on a view screen, wearing black

sunglasses that give him an angry-looking expression.]

HOLLY: I wouldn’t celebrate yet, sucka! I’m still standing,

and you are going to burn if I have to suck out air all over

the ship apart from here!

DESPAIROMORPH: Don’t count on it, Head- boy. I am

a God!

HOLLY: You’ll have an Achilles heal somewhere. Al I

have to do is find it!

DESPAIROMORPH: You? Your I.Q. is 8, for crying out


HOLLY: You know what they say; where there’s one man

with a I.Q. of any sort, there is hope.

Roll credits and music…


By David Spence.

---->>> Onward to Part II