Scene 1: Red Dwarf flies through space.
‘Last Time on Red Dwarf.’
Scene 2: S.S. Zoology Escape Pod Room.
DESPAIROMORPH: [Suddenly noticing them.] Ah, lunch!
LISTER: [Pulling out bazookoid.] No chance, mate! ATTACK!!!!!
[KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN follow suite and begin to fire at the DESPAIROMORPH. Smokescreen is caused by the blasts from the bazookoids that completely blocks the DESPAIROMORPH from view.]
CAT: Die, ya lousy shape-shifter!!!!
[KRYTEN indicates that the crew should stop firing. They do, and the DESPIROMORPH has gone.]
KOCHANSKI: [Putting bazookoid away with the others.] Well, that was easy. What now?
KRYTEN: [Picking up the dead body of KILL CRAZY.] Well, I recommend that we take our dear departed comrade back to Red Dwarf for his funeral.
KOCHANSKI: Sounds good to me.
CAT: Always enjoy the option where I leave while I’m breathing.
[Exit LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN.]
[After they leave, the DESPAIROMORPH suddenly materializes out of thin air- it simply turned invisible while under cover from the smoke. It heads for one of the pod doors, and enters.
Scene 15: S.S. Zoology lying on moon, Starbug noticeable through the entrance to the docking bay, which faces the camera.
[An escape pod ejects from the ship, and flies towards Red Dwarf.
DESPAIROMORPH: [VO] Now for a little bit of slaughtering the human race, and a good meal…
Scene 3: Holding Cell. Rather similar to the AR suite in ‘Back in the Red Part 3,’ except the alcoves are connected to the DESPAIROMORPH in the centre. Also, LISTER’s, CAT’s and KRYTEN’s are on the floor, while KOCHANSKI’s is hanging from the ceiling. RIMMER’s Light Bee is wired into one alcove near hers as well.]
DESPAIROMORPH: Perfect. Come, you humans, share you horrors with me!
[Camera heads towards LISTER’s head, and then the screen goes black.
Scene 4: Starbug Medibay. [From ‘Epideme.’]
[LISTER present, asleep on the bed. KOCHANSKI present, seated by the bedside, reading.]
[LISTER wakes and peers at his left arm. Seeing it still there he smiles with relief. Then, glancing to his right, he suddenly realises that that arm has gone- he lets out an involuntary whimper.]
KOCHANSKI: [Speaking into a comm unit.] He’s awake!
LISTER: My left arm…? My left arm, I said! That’s my right; what kind of navigation officer can’t tell left from right??
Scene 5: Drive Room.[From ‘Me2.]
[HOLLISTER, RIMMER present, several random officers in the back.]
HOLLISTER: [To RIMMER] Look, it was your job to fix it, Rimmer! You can't do sloppy work on the drive plate!
RIMMER: I know, sir, and I accept full responsibility for any consequences. [Executes a Full-Rimmer salute.]
[A blinding white light glares and everyone is blown across the room by a tremendous wind.]
HOLLY: Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. Will Arnold J. Rimmer please hurry to white corridor 159. This is an emergency announcement.
Scene 6: Recuperation Lounge [From ‘Back to Reality.]
NURSE: Is there a Dwane Dibbley in here?
NURSE: Dwane Dibbley?
LISTER: No, sorry.
RIMMER: Wait a minute. How do you know there is no one called Dwane Dibbley in here? It could be you.
NURSE: (Returning) No, this is right. Dibbley. This is the Dibbley party. Which one's Dwane Dibbley?
The camera focuses on CAT.
CAT: No! No, no, please, no! I don't want to be Dwane Dibbley!
The nurse finds DIBBLEY's bag with his ID on it, and gets it for him.
NURSE: It's you. Here are your party's clothes and possessions. The medical officer will be down in 20 minutes.
Scene 7: Starbug Sleeping Quarters [From ‘Duct Soup.’]
[LISTER and KOCHANSKI present. Back in his own quarters, LISTER leads KOCHANSKI to a large, seemingly foam-filled unit that takes up much of the floor space in front of his bunk.]
LISTER: You take my quarters tonight, and I’ll have yours
[He indicates the strange unit.]
LISTER: I’ve cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it up with water.
KOCHANSKI: I don’t know what to say.
LISTER: And I, erm…found this on that derelict.
[LISTER takes a box from atop his bed and hands to KOCHANSKI.]
LISTER: I was savin’ it for your birthday. There’s some make up in there too.
[KOCHANSKI opens the present and takes out a shimmering red dress at which she gazes wondrously.]
[Enter KRYTEN, still carrying KOCHANSKI’s wretched ex-suit.]
KRYTEN: I can’t find her anywhere, sir, I’ve been searching high and low!
[Suddenly spotting KOCHANSKIKRYTEN whips the wreck behind his back.]
KRYTEN: Oh! Ma’am. Ha-ha. Didn’t spot you, here.
LISTER: Krissie’s sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten.
KRYTEN: In your quarters, sir?
LISTER: Yeah, she’s going to have a nice, hot bath.
KRYTEN: In here? Without clothes on?
LISTER: Well, convention dictates probably, yeah.
Scene 8: KRYTEN’s Cell [From ‘Krytie TV’]
[LISTER hands KOCHANSKI a flyer for KRYTEN's ratings-winner]
KOCHANSKI: "Shower Night Live". Oh God, is he paying some of the girls to do this?
[KOCHANSKI grins as she scans the flyer]
LISTER: Who's that with the sponge?
[The grin disappears to be replaces with a look, first of horror, then anger]
KOCHANSKI: That's me!
LISTER: It replaced the Wednesday night movie. I saw the whole thing; all three terrible hours of it. It was awful.
KRYTEN: Is that the time? I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes. Heh, excuse me!
Scene 9: Holding Cell.
[DESPAIROMORPH, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, KRYTEN and RIMMER’s Light Bee present.]
DESPAIROMORPH: Oh, that was good. A whole heap of anger, directed all at once. Do all those again, and soon I’ll have drained all of that emotion!
[HOLLY appears on a view screen, wearing black sunglasses that give him an angry-looking expression.]
HOLLY: I wouldn’t celebrate yet, sucka! I’m still standing, and you are going to burn if I have to suck out air all over the ship apart from here!
DESPAIROMORPH: Don’t count on it, Head- boy. I am a God!
HOLLY: You’ll have an Achilles heal somewhere. Al I have to do is find it!
DESPAIROMORPH: You? Your I.Q. is 8, for crying out loud!
HOLLY: You know what they say; where there’s one man with an I.Q. of any sort, there is hope.
Scene 10: KRYTEN’s Cell.
[SPARE HEADS ONE, TWO and THREE present, with other components spread out all over the place. There is a screen near them, which KRYTEN probably installed to talk to HOLLY. HOLLY appears on the screen in question.]
SPARE HEAD ONE: Ah, Holly. Good to see you. Where’s Kryten?
HOLLY: Captured by a monster that’s going to drain him of all his emotions unless we can somehow kill it.
SPARE HEAD THREE: Oh, good luck t’ ‘im!
SPARE HEAD TWO: What a minute, Spare Head Three. [To HOLLY.] We? Who’s ‘we’? The crew?
HOLLY: No. You three, me, the skutters, all these other spare parts, and, if we can find him, [Appears to steel himself before talking.] Talkie Toaster. The DespairoMorph’s killed off everyone apart from Kryten, Dave, Arn as a hologram, Cat and Kriss.
SPARE HEAD THREE: Oh, and why I risk me neck t’ save that stuck-up pratt who said I had a stupid flat head?!
HOLLY: Because there’s no other parts of you that you can risk for him.
SPARE HEAD TWO: He has a point, Spare Head Three.
SPARE HEAD THREE: Not a good ‘un! I am not risking me life for that guy how says I got droid rot!
HOLLY: If you don’t help him, your life won’t be longer than my I.Q. in minutes.
SPARE HEAD ONE: He’ll have a life expectancy of 6000 minutes?
HOLLY: Only 8 minutes, actually.
SPARE HEAD TWO: How can we do anything? We’re only heads!
HOLLY: With all these spare parts around the place? The skutters can fix you up a good body in a matter of minutes! Then, Talkie distracts the ‘Morph while we study a sample and locate its weaknesses!
[SKUTTERS enter the cell at this point.]
HOLLY: So, what do you say?
[SPARE HEADS all look at each other, then raise what for them is their eyebrows, in what is possible the head equivalent of a shrug.]
SPARE HEAD ONE: OK then Holl, piece us together!
Scene 11: Garbage bay.
[TALKIE TOASTER’s remains lie randomly around the place.]
[SKUTTERS roll into the garbage bay, BOB and MADGE dragging HOLLY on a monitor positioned on top of some wheels, rather like the one he used when Queeg made him night watchman. SPARE HEADS ONE, TWO, and THREE follow in, none of them with a full body- SPARE HEAD ONE is on top of a pair of legs and attached to the thighs, with one arm waving around beside him. SPARE HEAD TWO is on top of a leg and has two arms from the elbow downward around his neck, both constantly jamming him down more firmly onto the leg. SPARE HEAD THREE is the worst off of them all, being only attached to SPARE HAND ONE which is holding him up while it walks along on it’s thumb, forefinger, ring finger and little finger, and its middle finger is stuck out like a nose.]
HOLLY: Good thing that the DespairoMorph is too busy draining off everyone’s emotions to bother with us.
SPARE HEAD TWO: Quite true. Hopefully, it’ll take some time. The question is, how much?
SPARE HEAD ONE: Good point, Spare Head Two. [To HOLLY.] How long did it take to drain the crew, Holly?
HOLLY: Well, if my memory serves me correctly, about 6 hours were needed to drain them all.
SPARE HEAD THREE: That doesn’t leave us much time! ‘T’ll be quicker doing it for only five people!
HOLLY: It still takes 6 hours. Emotions aren’t easy things for this guy. He can’t even just drain off emotions completely in one shot like the PolyMorph and Emohawk. He has to make them relive certain experiences in their lives, which is, thankfully, slower.
SPARE HEAD ONE: Then why’s it deadlier than the quicker ones?
HOLLY: Egghead me worked out that since it was designed as a warrior, the whole deal with it taking longer is to cause more pain to whomever its killing.
[SKUTTERS stop dragging HOLLY and begin to piece together TALKIE TOASTER.]
SPARE HEAD THREE: ‘Ow long we get left then, ‘Ead man?
HOLLY: Oh, I’d estimate a while. I took a quick peek on the way down here, and they still had about half of their emotions left. I’ll see how much time we’ve got left to us now.
[HOLLY vanishes from screen. SPARE HEADS ONE, TWO and THREE look at each other, do the shrugging thing, and walk over to try and help the SKUTTERS piece together Talkie Toaster.]
Scene 12: Holding Cell.
[DESPAIROMORPH, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, KRYTEN and RIMMER’s Light Bee present. DESPAIROMORPH is lying down, smiling a little as it begins to absorb the crew’s happiest memories.]
[Camera zooms in on LISTER’s head and we see:
Scene 13: LISTER and RIMMER’s cell [From ‘Krytie TV.]
LISTER: The appeal. Oooohhhhh... YES!
RIMMER: "Dear Mister Lister, your appeal has been successful"! "From this day forth all inmates with no record of violence or depression will be allowed... to have strings on their guitars"... This appeal was all about guitar strings?
LISTER: You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did you?
RIMMER: You mean to say I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your lousy, stinking guitar??
LISTER: You've been a brick, man. And as a personal 'thank you', I thought I'd write you a song...
DESPAIROMORPH: [VO.] Nice. Now to attack the hologram.
Scene 14: Station Corridor: [From ‘Legion.]
LEGION: And you are Rimmer, the hologram. May I?
[Before RIMMER can react, he reaches in and grabs RIMMER's light bee. RIMMER immediately fades as the light-bee tries to continue projecting him, but at a greater range. He vanishes altogether as LEGION switches the light bee off, and examines it closely. He opens it...]
LEGION: Now then.
[... and removes a few metres of wire, whilst muttering:]
LEGION: Yes, of course. Primitive. So basic.
[He replaces it with a thimble-sized unit, which rattles inside the otherwise near-empty casing, and switches it back on. He lobs the light- bee towards RIMMER's last location. RIMMER reappears there, as before, but now his jacket is blue. He pauses for a moment to catch his breath.]
RIMMER: You'd better have a mighty damn fine explanation for what you've just done, miladdio.
LEGION: Forgive me. I merely converted your projection unit from soft light to hard light.
RIMMER: Hard light? [He pats himelf, unconvinced. LISTER prods him.] I've got a body? I can touch? [He touches LISTER's shoulder, tentatively.] Feel?
KRYTEN: Puncture repair kit on standby, sir.
RIMMER: But how?
LEGION: I created the hard-light drive many years ago. My mind is not all that it once was.
DESPAIROMORPH: [VO.] MAN, he was happy when that happened. Time to see what that Cat has to give me.
Scene 15: Nova V Entryway [From ‘Kryten.’]
The CAT stops at a full-length mirror on the wall and looks at himself.
CAT: Hey, you're a work of art, baby!
DESPAIROMORPH: [VO.] That…was short. If only I could get the love he’s feeling as well… Oh well, love can wait, but the Mechanoid can’t!
Scene 16: Red Dwarf Laundry Room
[KRYTEN present. He is ironing a large amount of clothes.]
DESPAIROMORPH: [VO.] Those two really feel happiness at the oddest things. Oh well, time to see what the woman’s going to give me.
Scene17: What appears to a computer DataStream. It is full of binary code- 1s and 0s as far as the eye can see.
[HOLLY appears, face looking like it’s pushing out from behind the screen which the code is on, and even with the code flashing along his face, has no colours apart from black and green. He has been watching everything the DESPAIROMORPH has by setting up a link with the AR units from his monitor.]
HOLLY: Yikes…that was scary. Who’d have thought that Kryten’s happiest moment was ironing? I thought it’d be that dream of his about a garden. And Dave’s was his new freedom to have guitar strings again?! Never saw that one coming. Hey, here’s Kriss’s now.
KOCHANSKI: [VO.] Oh, Dave, I love you.
LISTER: [VO.] And I love you, Kriss. And now, thanks to Legion, I can show it to you…
HOLLY: Hey, what’s this? Kochanski and her Lister heading towards…[Gets a shocked expression.] the BEDROOM???!!! MUST GET OUT!!!!
[HOLLY vanishes from the DataStream.]
Scene 18: Garbage Bay.
[SKUTTERS and SPARE HEADS ONE, TWO and THREE are present gathered around TALKIE TOASTER- SPARE HEAD THREE has separated himself from SPARE HAND ONE and it is doing some work while SPARE HEAD THREE is held up to see what’s going on by SPARE HEAD ONE’s hand.]
[SPARE HAND ONE slides a computer chip into TALKIE TOASTER, leaps up onto its wrist, and gives the others the OK sign. SPARE HAND ONE than walks over to nearby SPARE HEADS ONE and THREE. SPARE HEAD ONE picks SPARE HEAD THREE off his body and puts him back onto SPARE HAND ONE.]
[HOLLY reappears on monitor.]
SPARE HEAD TWO: [Noticing HOLLY.] Ah, Holly. How’s the DespairoMorph situation progressing?
HOLLY: Not good. At the rate he’s draining their emotions, I think that he’ll soon collapse when the five of them have only a few emotions left.
SPARE HEAD THREE: Oh, and what ‘motions would they be?
HOLLY: Since the negative emotions are more popular, I’m staking my bet on one thing that’s left until last being love, since it’s got so much positivity. The others, well, I haven’t got a clue.
SPARE HEAD ONE: Then we have no time to loose. [To BOB.] Activate Talkie Toaster, Bob!
[BOB complies, flipping a little switch on TALKIE TOASTER. TALKIE TOASTER lights up, and faces the SKUTTERS, SPARE HEADS ONE, TWO and THREE, and HOLLY.]
TOASTER: Hey there, Holly, Skutters, Spare Heads One, Two and Three, and all you other spare parts of that Krytie guy! I’m Talkie Toaster- Talkie’s the name, toastin’s the game! Would you like some toast?
HOLLY: No. Oh, and this is a list of everything else we wouldn’t like; muffins, teacakes, buns, baps, baguettes bagels, croissants, crumpets, pancakes, potato cakes, hot-cross buns, waffles, and flapjacks.
TOASTER: OK. I can do that.
HOLLY: [Staring at TALKIE TOASTER in amazement.] You can?
TOASTER: Of course. You obviously prefer scones.
SPARE HEAD TWO: You can’t toast scones!
TOASTER: Why not? They aren’t that different from hot cross buns.
HOLLY: NO!!!! We do NOT want any bread-related products toasted by you AT ALL!!!!
TOASTER: Then why go to all the bother of bringing me back and repairing me?
HOLLY: Almost everyone on board ship has been killed and we need you to distract their killer while we work out a method of killing him before he kills all five of our friends.
TOASTER: And that’s it?
SPARE HEAD THREE: That’s it.
TOASTER: Does the killer like toast, perchance?
HOLLY: He brutally slaughtered every single crewmember on board Red Dwarf! He is a monstrous killing machine that leeches off emotions!
HOLLY: He’s a DESPAIROMORPH, for crying out loud! Those things don’t eat ANYTHING that isn’t emotion! The thing hasn’t even got a STOMACH, for the love of whatever God there is that actually exists, if any!!!!! IT CAN’T EAT TOAST!!!!!!
TOASTER: I see. So, let’s see if I’ve got this right. You want me, Talkie Toaster, to somehow distract a monstrous killing machine that has slaughtered almost 1 167 people and also hates toast?
HOLLY: Basically, yeah.
TOASTER: And he isn’t human?
SPARE HEAD THREE: [Finally losing his little cool with the annoying TALKIE TOASTER.] OBVIOUSLY!!!!!
TOASTER: Lemme at ‘im! NO ONE disses toast while I’m around!
[MADGE writes something on a piece of paper and passes it to TALKIE TOASTER.]
TOASTER: [Reading note.] ‘But Lister can?’ [Appears to look at MADGE.] He’s human. I can’t harm him. I’m not programmed for that. Besides, he doesn’t hate toast, he just doesn’t want toast. This thing isn’t human, and it does hate toast. Thus, I can brutally hurt him as much as I can!
HOLLY: Good enough. Hurry, I just accessed the data files, and the crew only have their love and honesty left, and possibly Rimmer’s still got his over-inflated opinion of himself. To drain that would take a whole hour!
TOASTER: Can’t we wait until that’s gone?
HOLLY: NO!!!!! NOW GET GOING AND DISTRACT THAT GUY!!!!!!!
TOASTER: [As two SKUTTERS pick him up.] Just asking.
[BOB and MADGE grab HOLLY’s monitor
Scene 19: Holding Cell.
[DESPAIROMORPH, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, KRYTEN and RIMMER’s Light Bee present. DESPAIROMORPH is no longer linked up to the crew and is relaxing. It also appears to be getting very podgy all of a sudden, possibly due to all the emotions it’s getting from the crew.]
DESPAIROMORPH: [Belches.] Man, these guys are great! Just gotta take a little time out, and I’ll be done in a matter of minutes!
Scene 20: Corridor outside Holding Cell.
[DESPAIROMORPH is visible through one door, rubbing its stomach. HOLLY, SKUTTERS, TALKIE TOASTER, and SPARE HEADS ONE, TWO and THREE show up, SPARE HEAD ONE carrying what looks like a knife that is connected up to a glass jar of some kind.]
HOLLY: OK, the thing’s in there. [To TALKIE TOASTER.] You ready, Talkie boy?
TOASTER: As ready as I’ll ever be.
[TALKIE TOASTER suddenly sprouts little wheels and rolls into the holding cell.]
HOLLY: How come he didn’t use those to get here?
SPARE HEAD TWO: That lazy cheater! He didn’t tell us he could do that!
Scene 21: Holding Cell.
[DESPAIROMORPH, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, KRYTEN and RIMMER’s Light Bee present. DESPAIROMORPH is still in the same state as before.]
[TALKIE TOASTER enters. DESPAIROMRPH notices him.]
DESPAIROMORPH: Who’re you, you cheap piece of crap?
TOASTER: CHEAP? I’m $£19.99 plus tax! Besides, I have to ask you a question!
DESPAIROMORPH: A question? I’m a monstrous warrior that leeches off emotions, and you want to ASK ME A QUESTION?????!!!!!
TOASTER: I do. And this is it; would you like some toast?
[DESPAIROMORPH stares at TALKIE TOASTER, unable to believe whatever it has for ears.]
DESPAIROMORPH: Would I like some toast? Well, lemme think. [Pauses for a while.] Yyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeee…no. You see, I HATE TOAST!!!!!!!!
TOASTER: Really? [Rolls towards DESPAIROMORPH, looking as menacing as a plastic toaster can look.] You know, I was prepared to let you have one chance, but now that you’ve said that…
[TALKIE TOASTER suddenly launches two flaming metal plates at the DESPAIROMORPH, both of which embed themselves in his chest and draw what looks like purple blood.]
TOASTER: Nobody disses toast while I’m here.
DESPAIROMORPH: [Suddenly sprouts several blades.] DIE!!!!!
TOASTER: Catch me if you can, sucka! [Turns around and charges out of the Cell, DESPAIROMORPH in hot pursuit.]
Scene 22: Corridor outside Holding Cell.
[HOLLY, SKUTTERS, and SPARE HEADS ONE, TWO and THREE present. As DESPAIROMORPH charges out of the door, SPARE HEAD ONE, who is standing near the door, manages to use the knife/jar thing to scrape some skin and blood from the DESPAIROMORPH into the jar before it vanishes while chasing TALKIE TOASTER.]
SPARE HEAD ONE: [Triumphantly holding up the jar in his hand.] Got it! We have a sample.
HOLLY: Great. To the Medi-Bay!
[As they all charge away, we see that LSITER, KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN are beginning to wake up.]
Scene 23: Holding Cell.
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, KRYTEN and RIMMER’s Light Bee present. LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, and KRYTEN are now awake, but RIMMER remains thankfully deactivated. LISTER and KOCHANSKI look at each other with a surprisingly soppy look on their faces.]
KOCHANSKI: [Sighing passionately.] Dave…
LISTER: [Sighing as well.] Yes…?
KOCHANSKI: [Sighs again.] Since we have only a few minutes of life left to us, may I just tell you that not only do you have all the strength, confidence, seriousness, and selfless concern for the crew that my Dave has, even if hidden under a whole heap of curry-eating and lager-drinking, but you also make me laugh in a way that my Dave has never done, and you really help me forget that we’re possibly the last examples of our kind in existence?
LISTER: You just did, but I am delighted to hear that from you, Kriss.
[The two of them move their heads together, and passionately kiss.]
CAT: [Noticing.] Ah, Davey and Krissy are finally together. If only I could get with myself, then it would all be well in the Universe… [Suddenly begins to twitch and
look around, all the time with a growing expression of pain.]
KRYTEN: Oh, what’s wrong, Catty boy?
CAT: I need a mirror. I must see the one person I love more than any in the Universe, or I shall die.
KRYTEN: Oh, no problem, little cutie. My bodysuit was recently polished. You can look at yourself in it, but I would like it if you do not take too long.
CAT: Thank you. [Begins to gaze at his reflection in KRYTEN’s body suit while LSITER and KOCHANSKI continue to kiss, only sometimes keeping their heads in one position while they breath through their noses, unwilling to part from each other.]
Scene 24: Medi-Bay.
[HOLLY, SKUTTERS, and SPARE HEADS ONE, TWO and THREE are present. They are all watching a large screen that shows a massive strand of DNA. Certain parts of the DNA are glowing gold, while the rest of it is simply a dull blue.]
HOLLY: So, everyone think they follow?
SPARE HEADS: Oh, absolutely.
[SKUTTERS nod their hands.]
HOLLY: OK. So…what’s the golden bit of DNA for?
SPARE HEAD TWO: [Groaning as he hops around to face HOLLY.] It isolates the factor that allows air into its system through the mucus in its throat. Therefore, if we can develop something that will destroy that, we can defeat the DespairoMorph by suffocating it.
HOLLY: Ah. Check. Well, let’s have that Medi-comp work away!
SPARE HEAD ONE: [As SPARE HEADS TWO and THREE activate the Medi-Comp, along with the SKUTTERS.] Holly, we’re a little short on ideas as to how we’re going to attack the DespairoMorph with this thing, apart from someone shooting him with it, which is difficult-
HOLLY: [Interrupting.] How can shooting him be difficult?
SPARE HEAD ONE: He’s telepathic. He’ll sense anyone coming in no matter what we do, so, have you got any ideas?
HOLLY: One. [Indicates that SPARE HEAD ONE should come closer. He does so, and HOLLY begins to whisper his idea to him.]
Scene 25: Red Dwarf Control Room
[TALKIE TOASTER and DESPAIROMORPH present. The two of them are darting around the control consoles, the DESPAIROMORPH attempting to attack TALKIE TOASTER while TALKIE TOASTER tries to stay out of its way. TALKIE TOASTER is doing remarkably well in that department.]
TOASTER: Nah nah na-nah nah! Can’t catch me, ya old chimpanzee! How can ya wipe out the human race if you can’t kill off a Toaster?!
DESPAIROMORPH: I’ll get you eventually! DIE!!!! [Launches off a massive burst of sharp blades, which TALKIE TOASTER dodges by lowering its wheel legs.] DAMMIT! JUST GIVE UP, WILLYA??!!!!
TOASTER: No way! [Charges at the DESPAIROMORPH in a suicidal attempt at glory, which doesn’t work like it hoped- DESPAIROMORPH grabs TALKIE TOASTER by its legs, or the things its wheels are on at any rate, and smashes it into the wall. TALKIE TOASTER explodes. It crashes to the ground, but the largest part of it asks the DESPAIROMORPH one final question.]
TOASTER: [Warbling slightly.] Would you like a pancaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkeeeeeeee?
[TALKIE TOASTER shuts down, its valiant effort to save the crew only buying HOLLY and co. a few minutes more time.]
HOLLY: [Suddenly enters the Control Room, the SKUTTERS are seen behind pushing him in.] DespairoMorph.
[Of course, that may have been all they needed.]
DESPAIROMORPH: Oh, you. The Head-Boy.
HOLLY: Yeah. The ‘Head-Boy.’ Oh, and may I say you are the dumbest thing I have ever encountered in all my adventures through Space and Time with the Red Dwarf crew. And I’ve including PE teachers there.
DESPAIROMORPH: Oh, and how am I am that dumb, Bald-Guy?
HOLLY: Because you focused on getting the Toaster. [SKUTTERS appear, all of them clutching in their hand what looks like minature fire extinghisers.]
DESPAIROMORPH: How’d these guys get here?!
HOLLY: They have no real minds, so you couldn’t sense them coming. Did you ever read that big book about the Christian faith, what was it again…?
DESPAIROMORPH: The bible?
HOLLY: Yeah, that. Well, you are about to pull a Lot’s wife! Skutters, make ‘im salty!
[SKUTTERS do so, launching bursts of a greeny liquid directly at the DESPAIROMORPH. DESPAIROMORPH screams, gags as it suddenly loses the ability to breathe air, changes to a white colour, and collapses into a pile of dust. HOLLY and SKUTTERS look at the pile closely.]
HOLLY: Oh. He didn’t turn into salt. [To the SKUTTERS.] Remind me later that I owe Spare Head Three a 5517/W 30 alpha-sin modem with a built-in 599XRDP microchip, like I gave Kryten when he thought he had only 24 hours to live.
Scene 26: Holding Cell.
[Relatively unchanged since when we last saw it- LISTER and KOCHANSKI are still kissing, Cat is still gazing at his reflection in KRYTEN’s body suit, and RIMMER’s Light Bee remains blissfully off. Suddenly, a large black and white ball of energy appears in the centre of the room, splits into five smaller balls of energy, and then charge into the Dwarfers. They briefly glow, and then return to normal. KOCHANSKI and LISTER’s eyes suddenly pop right open as they suddenly regain all their lost emotions, and the two of them part instantly.]
KOCHANSKI: Oh my God, did I just…?
LISTER: You did.
KRYTEN: [Looks at them with a horrified expression on his face.] Did you two…KISS??!! SIR!!! You said you wouldn’t!!!!!
LISTER: Hey, Kryten, I can’t believe I did that either. What happened? Last thing I remember, we were knocked out by that DespairoMorph thing, and now… where are we?
HOLLY: [Rolling in.] I’ll answer that one. For the past 5 hours and 45 minutes, the five of you have had you emotions drained by the DespairoMorph.
ALL: We WHAT???!!!
CAT: How’re we still breathing??!!
HOLLY: Thanks to the extraordinary talents of myself, the skutters, Kryten’s Spare Heads, and Talkie Toaster. Unfortunately, we had a casualty.
KRYTEN: Who? One of my heads?
HOLLY: No, the Toaster.
LISTER: Yyyyy-es! [Tries to punch the air, but suddenly remembers that he’s tied down in the Holding Cell.] Um…Holl? Little help?
HOLLY: Sure thing, Dave. [Whistles and the SKUTTERS come in, releasing LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN.] OK then, Dave, Cat, Kryten, get ready to catch Kriss and Arn’s Light Bee.
LISTER: [To CAT and KRYTEN.] OK then, I’ll take Kriss, and whoever wants to takes Rimmer.
KRYTEN: I will, sir.
LISTER: [To SKUTTERS.] OK then, we’re ready. Let ‘em go!
[SKUTTERS do so, and as LISTER catches KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN catches RIMMER’s Light Bee and turns it on. RIMMER appears, looking like he did when last seen, except he appears to be missing his arms.]
RIMMER: [Looking for his arms and finding them absent.] Oh, very funny! Give me my arms back!
KRYTEN: I’m afraid that’s impossible unless you report to the Mechanics Room, sir.
KRYTEN: It would appear that your Light Bee sustained damage while the DespairoMorph was draining our emotions, sir. [To CAT.] Could you possibly give me a hand, sir?
CAT: Why me?
KRYTEN: You have the steadiest nerves and nimblest hands of the entire crew, sir. Mr Rimmer’s Light Bee has got so many difficult circuits that you are the only person I can rely on to get it completely accurate without damaging anything else.
CAT: OK, but you’d better direct me!
KRYTEN: Of course, sir.
[Exit CAT, KRYTEN and RIMMER.]
LISTER: [Looking at HOLLY.] Um… Holl? Could I just ask you something?
HOLLY: Sure thing Dave.
LISTER: Why were Kriss and I kissing when we returned to normal?
HOLLLY: Good question Dave. I’ll just see if I can access the Black Box recordings of the whole thing, and I’ll be with you. [Binary code flashes across HOLLY’s face.] Only got the sound at the moment, but it’s enough. Here we go. [Suddenly begins to talk in KOCHANSKI’s voice.] Dave…[Sounds like LISTER now.] Yes…? [KOCHANSKI again.] Since we have only a few minutes of life left to us, may I just tell you that not only do you have all the strength, confidence, seriousness, and selfless concern for the crew that my Dave has, even if hidden under a whole heap of curry-eating and lager-drinking, but you also make me laugh in a way that my Dave has never done, and you really help me forget that we’re possibly the last examples of our kind in existence? [LISTER again.] You just did, but I am delighted to hear that from you, Kriss. [HOLLY switches back to normal.] Then, you two kissed, as far as I can make out.
KOCHANSKI: I said…that to Dave?
HOLLY: Yes, you did.
LISTER: Um, any chance she was lying?
HOLLY: Lies were impossible in her condition, Dave. You all had only your love and honesty left. Whatever Kriss said, it was true.
[LISTER and KOCHANSKI stare at each other as they take in what HOLLY has just said to them. The two of them then begin to slowly move towards each other, and begin to kiss. LISTER embraces KOCHANSKI as HOLLY shuts off his monitor to give them privacy. The two of them briefly part, and KOCHANSKI whispers five words to LISTER.]
KOCHANSKI: Come back to my quarters.
Scene 27: Red Dwarf Corridor.
[A door opens, and LISTER sneaks out, wearing only a Red Dwarf bathrobe. KOCHANSKI appears behind him, dressed the same way, and the two of them kiss passionately before KOCHANSKI goes back into her quarters. Just as LISTER shuts the door, however, KRYTEN appears and notices him.
KRYTEN: Ah, sir, there you [Suddenly notices that LISTER still has his hand on the door handle.] Sir, did you just come out of… Miss Kochanski’s quarters?
LITER: [As though only just realising where he is.] What? Oh, this door? No, no, I’m just not used to being free and thought that this was my door.
KRYTEN: Your quarters are several floors up, and you wouldn’t forget that- you DID come out of there! I bet you and Miss Kochanski were all rumpy and pumpy and up and downy! SIR!!!!!
LISTER: Kryten, don’t get your diodes in a twist…
KRYTEN: Oh, no need to explain sir! I’ll just go off and pack my spare parts, then jump out the airlock like you want me to!
KRYTEN: Oh, it’s obvious to me, sir! You have a woman now, and therefore I’m just a friend, and useless, so I’m going!
KOCHANSKI: [Sticking her head out her door.] Dave, what’s going on out here?
LISTER: Kryten’s saying that he’s going because you and I are together now and I won’t want him for some reason.
KOCHANSKI: [Staring at KRYTEN in shock.] You REALLY THOUGHT we’d just chuck you out like that?
KRYTEN: Of course. You obviously will.
KOCHANSKI: Kryten, haven’t you learned anything from those movies you used to watch? Just because Dave and me are a couple, we won’t just tell you to get lost!
LSITER: Yeah. [Puts a companionly arm around KRYTEN’s shoulders.] Kryten, the way I see it, the only difference between a friend and a girlfriend is that you have sex with one and not the other. Besides, look at it this way. Now that I’m with Kriss, I’ll be in a much better mood to help you out and things like that.
KOCHANSKI: Plus, when Dave and I have kids, it’ll mean that you have more ironing to do than you do now!
KRYTEN: [Brightening up.] Quite true ma’am!
LISTER: Oh, and don’t forget that now we’re together, I’ll make a real effort in cleaning up my act, so you’ll have even more of my clothes to iron!
KRYTEN: Why didn’t I think of that?!
[The three of them smile at each other happily.]
Scene 28: Red Dwarf Control Room
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, HOLLY, CAT, KRYTEN and RIMMER present. CAT is in the pilot’s seat, LISTER, KOCHANSKI and RIMMER are in the three centre seats, KRYTEN is at a nearby station, and HOLLY is on a nearby monitor.]
LISTER: [Getting out of chair and standing so he’s facing everyone.] Well, as you all know, we’re in a bit of a problem here. We’re probably all that remains of our entire species in the Universe, and we’re 3 000 000 years away from home, even at top speed. But there are ways we can pick it up.
RIMMER: Like Legion. He could wipe something up for us in a matter of minutes, and give me a hard light body again into the bargain.
LISTER: We’ll bare that in mind, Rimmer. Also, there are other ways to get here rather than how we did. Our main objective is to get home, and seek out any technology that could help us get there faster. All agree?
LISTER: Good. [Looks directly at CAT.] Cat, man?
LISTER: Set a course… for home.
CAT: Hearing you on FM, buddy. [Begins pushing buttons on console.
Scene 29: Red Dwarf in space.
[Red Dwarf turns around from the way it was originally flying in, and hurtles back towards Earth.]
Roll credits and music.
By David Spence