Krytie TV - Script v0.4

{RED DWARF Clearing House}

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-99

Krytie TV
New @ 22Mar99

You thought Beadle was bad? Watch your back, it's Krytie TV!

This is version 0.4 of the script, and is in progress. All dialogue complete and attributed, with scene seperations marked. Usual stuff to follow.

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

Raz, DTLK, 1996-99 22Mar99

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 5 -- KRYTIE TV [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.4 19-22 March, 1999 Raz / [-- 1 - Int. The Tank, womens wing ----------------------------------x:xx--] [GUARD present] [Several female prisoners troup along a corridor and proceed into the women's wing. [Enter KRYTEN] [KRYTEN brings up the rear, and pauses by the large sign that proclaims the nature of their location. He glances around, obviously reluctant to enter, but eventually does so under the stony stare of the female guard] [Exit KRYTEN] [-- 2 - Int. The Tank, womens wing, gymnasium -----------------------x:xx--] [A group of female prisoners dressed in grey t-shirts and skirts are skipping, more or less in unison. KRYTEN is also a part of the group, dressed in similar clothes, and is scowling unhappily] [-- 3 - Int. KOCHANSKI's cell ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [KRYTEN stands sulkily in the showers with the girls, holding an umbrella and trying to read a book] [-- 5 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] Inside the Tank. [-- 6 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER present] [Enter LISTER] LISTER The post's arrived. RIMMER Brilliant; a bit of excitement at last. LISTER Good, eh? It's a beaut. One of the structured collepsed on m' bed. I think it was those beans. Oh, the mail. Haven't had a chance to look. Anything from my mates? RIMMER Don't think so - there's nothing here in orange crayon with half the letters backwards. LISTER Anything for you? RIMMER Just the usual. A couple of death threats... and I'm in the Reader's Digest Lucky Dip. Apparently I'm 'one of the special few selected for their Lucky Dip' - LISTER That'll be you and the other twelve zillion people then, will it? RIMMER - I've won either a holiday in Mauritious[sp], a soft-top sports car, or a fabulous matching set of egg-cups. "Scrape with a coin to discover which." I've won the holiday! LISTER What? RIMMER Three million years into Deep Space, where I can't claim it, and I go and win a smegging holiday in Mauritious! Oh, they're taking the smeg... LISTER What now? RIMMER I've won the lottery as well. "To collect your cheque simply bring your winning ticket to Lottery House, 24 Argyle Street." Four million! No luck, that's my problem. No luck at all. LISTER It's just a wind up from the guards, to sap our morale. RIMMER Here's one for you. LISTER Who from? RIMMER Petersen. My God, that is tragic. LISTER What's happenned to him, has he died? RIMMER Died? You think he'd write and tell you? LISTER No, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not thinking straight. He'd be too busy with his funeral and everything, wouldn't he. What's happenned to him? RIMMER Something catastophic, hideous. He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here. LISTER Brilliant! Are you okay? RIMMER Of course I'm not okay! I hate your guitar! If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star. LISTER I didn't realise you thought I was that bad..? RIMMER Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you? LISTER You would have stood a better chance if you'd used the neck-end... Anyway, you were revising; you always get a bit uptight when you're revising. Hey come on, come on, what about the Om Song? That was a classic! /"Ommmmm - Ommmmm"/ RIMMER People who heard that formed self-help groups. LISTER Don't give me that, they played my demo on hospital radio. RIMMER Yes, and three patients came out of comas, packed their bags and went home. [Enter GUARD] [The GUARD carries a black electric guitar, which he hands to LISTER] [Exit GUARD] LISTER Hey-hey! The axe-man is *back*! You beaut! Hang on! There's no strings! They've confiscated the strings! RIMMER I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane with no parachute and lands in the hot-tub at the Playboy mansion. LISTER Why would they take my strings..? It doesn't make sense... RIMMER Prison regs. You're not allowed anything you can hang yourself with. LISTER I wouldn't want to hang myself if I had my guitar strings. RIMMER I think they were thinking of me. Maybe my luck's changing... at last, a break. [Enter GUARD] GUARD Oh, by the way; I forgot: for you. [The GUARD hands an envelope to LISTER] [Exit GUARD] LISTER "Because of the nature of your crime", blah - blah - blah - blah - blah, whr - wh - wh - wh - wh, "we are willing to review your case"! "For this process to be successful you would need a record of good behaviour, and accept the consequence that a successful appeal would mean similar amnesty for prisoner colleagues in your situation." RIMMER Yess! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, KILL CRAZY, several other Canaries present] [HOLLY present, on a wall monitor] KOCHANSKI Well, thanks to Kill Crazy, that was the least enjoyable suicide mission I've ever been on. KILL CRAZY I was standing there, right, and right in fron of me was this weird sort of mutant thing, with, like, two heads and all these tenticles. Yeah; it took one look at me and then ran off! Why d'you think it done that? KRYTEN You don't know what it's like, being classified as a woman, sir. The humiliation. LISTER I know, I know. KRYTEN I mean, why should I - a Series 4000 mechanoid - have to endure the turgid monotony of showering with the girls? Three times a week! Tell me that! LISTER It's not fair, I know! It's just that - You shower with the girls? KRYTEN Oh! It's so hideously dull I can't describe it, as they stand around soaping themselves. Their bodies all wet and foamy. Can you imagine it? Oh my goodness, we've been frozen in time again! Hello? Extraordinary! It must be a warp in the time-space continuum! How curious it isn't affecting me... RIMMER We're not frozen in time, Krytie - we were just thinking about what you were saying... HOLLY It's time like this that make me thankful I'm just a head. KILL CRAZY Oi, droid-boy, oi; next time you're in the showers, why don't you - y'know - smuggle in a camera and film 'em, eh? Yeah, that'd be brilliant! Oi, I haven't seeen a naked woman since... well, ever. Yeah, I'd pay you... wha'd'ya say? RIMMER No, I forbid it! LISTER Yeah, me - What? RIMMER It's voyeuristic, exploitative, and immature. HOLLY All right, who are you? And what have you done with *our* Rimmer? RIMMER Gentlemen, allow me to clairify my position. Morally speaking, using a hidden camera in the women's showers, taking shots of them sudding themselves with mounds of foam, without their permission, morally speaking - I'm speaking morally, here - I'm all in favour! However, Listy has been invited to appeal and a scam like this could ruin it. CAT Appeal? LISTER Yeah, I'm appealing. HOLLY That's a minority view. RIMMER Look, if he's successful, we can all be successful. We've just got to be model prisoners. KILL CRAZY Screw his appeal! I wanna see skin! CAT Yeah! Wha'd'ya say, bird-tray head? KRYTEN Are you asking me to betray the people I live with? To ignore their humanity and reduce them to mindless sex objects, merely there for your moronic titilation? CAT Yes, please! KRYTEN If you'll excuse me, I forgot who I was for a moment. KILL CRAZY Wait, what you doing? KRYTEN I'm a woman, and proud of it. If you'll excuse me, I'll with my fellow sisters, doing it for ourselves! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [All Canaries, GOVENOR ACKERMAN, guards, wardens present] GOVENOR ACKERMAN I'm going to make this quick, and easy. Last night, on D-wing, I was beaten up, and mugged. You have one chance. I'm going to turn the lights off for precisely ten seconds, during which I want whoever took it ... to return my glass eye. [He places a bucket on the ground in front of the Canaries] GOVENOR ACKERMAN Kill the lights. [The chamber goes dark] GOVENOR ACKERMAN Ten, nine, eight, seven, six - [The sound of an object dropped into the bucket is heard, and the lights snap on. No one appears to have moved] GOVENOR ACKERMAN I'm glad to see good sense prevailed. [The GOVENOR reaches into the bucket and takes out a pair of false teeth] GOVENOR ACKERMAN I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night. She thinks my eyes are my best feature. If I go like this, I'M ONLY HALF LOVELY! If it's not returned within thirty seconds; all Canary priviliges suspended. One month. RIMMER I know who stole your left peeper, sir. It was him, sir. [RIMMER points at a prisoner standing off to his right] RIMMER I saw him playing marbles with it this morning, sir. [The man RIMMER indicated takes a swing at him, which RIMMER ducks. The man is siezed by guards and dragged away] GOVENOR ACKERMAN Thank you, Rimmer. [Exit GOVENOR, guards, wardens] KOCHANSKI Have you gone mad? You don't rat on other inmates, its an unwritten law. RIMMER Look if it helps the appeal, what else matters? 'Model prisoners'? [RIMMER has just enough time to finish his sentence before being pounced on by the other prisoners. The sounds of thumps and kicks issue, and the picture, much like RIMMER's consciousness, fades away] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [As KRYTEN waddles along a walkway, someone drops a crumpled-up piece of paper] KRYTEN Would the sky really fall in if people just tidied up a little? [As KRYTEN drops the rubbish into a disposal chute and turns away, and arm reaches out of a maintenance hatch and bounces a spanner off his his head with a clang that resounds convincingly. KRYTEN drops to the gound and is dragged away by persons unknown] [-- xx - Int. Tank rec. room ----------------------------------------x:xx--] [A trailer runs for an old, black-and-white sci-fi flick] [LISTER, RIMMER, CAT, many other prisoners present] LISTER Looks like another pearl, eh? CAT Why do they always show us these lousy B-movies? RIMMER To sap our morale. Next week its the Gearge Formbey season. "Get your hanging rope now, while there's still some left - heh-hey!" [Suddenly the film cuts off and is replaced by a rough, amateur looking shot of KRYTEN] KRYTEN Good evening. Tonight's scheduled feature has been cancelled, and replaced with a special, live, pay-per-view event brought to you courtesy of "Krytie TV"! Transmitting live via my optical receptors, we bring you live, and lithe, Womens Shower Night! CAT Are they really gonna show this? No way! This is a joke, right? This isn't- Oh, momma... LISTER You know what this means, don't you? CAT There is a God? LISTER They got to him, they reprogrammed Kryten. [Overhearing, KILL CRAZY turns to look at LISTER and grins broadly] RIMMER If we get caught watching this your appeal's dead in the water. LISTER Forget the appeal. CAT I already have! LISTER What about Kris? She's never gonna believe I wasn't involved in this! We've gotta stop it. RIMMER You're right, I want no part of this. LISTER Me neither. RIMMER We've gotta go. LISTER Right now. RIMMER Not a minute to lose. LISTER I'm dust. RIMMER Me too. After two. One, two, go! KRYTEN And now, I'm gonna stare at a cracked floor tile. KILL CRAZY What's he doing that for!? KRYTEN Remember, Shower Night is a pay-per-view event. Start filling those buckets! RIMMER I can't believe this, he's running it like a business! There's even a bloke over there selling ice-creams. LISTER Never mind him. Now. We've gotta go, right now. RIMMER I'm going, I'm going. KRYTEN But now, lets get up-close and personal with one of the shower-ees, Miss Kristine Kochanski... RIMMER Fancy a choc-ice? [-- xx - Int. Kryten's cell -----------------------------------------x:xx--] [KRYTEN present] [Enter GUARD, LISTER] KRYTEN Okay; splendid. Later. GUARD Mister Kryten; visitor, sir. [Exit GUARD] LISTER Kryten. Look, I know Kill-Crazy's reprogrammed you; turned you into a ruthless entrepreneur, but I think I know how to change you back. KRYTEN Well, keep it to yourself, sir. I'll make it worth your while... LISTER Can't you see what it's done to you? KRYTEN It's made me rich, feared and respected. I'm loving every minute of it! I've just bought the rights to the five-a-side soccer tournament today; tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the boxing. [Enter KOCHANSKI] Ahhhh, Miss Kochanski! Good to have you back, I have a little gift for you... KOCHANSKI Ooh, another one? KRYTEN You know you were worried about picking up verrucas in the shower room? Well, I have the perfect solution; a waterproof pogo stick. LISTER This has got to stop. KRYTEN But the pogo stick could put the ratings through the roof, sir! Think of the money! Think of the show! LISTER I'm crazy about her! I'm not gonna let you do this. KOCHANSKI Do what? LISTER How do you think Kryten got all this? [He hands her a flyer for KRYTEN's ratings-winner] KOCHANSKI "Shower Night Live". Oh God, is he paying some of the girls to do this? [KOCHANSKI grins as she scans the flyer] LISTER Who's that with the sponge? [The grin disappears to be replaces with a look, first of horror, then anger] KOCHANSKI That's me! LISTER It replaced the Wednesday night movie. I saw the whole thing; all three terrible hours of it. It was awful. KRYTEN Is that the time? I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes. Heh, excuse me! [Exit KRYTEN] KOCHANSKI You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath! And you! LISTER What have I done? KOCHANSKI You were there for three hours of it! LISTER Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it! I was outraged. Why do you think I only had one choc-ice? KOCHANSKI How could you go along with this? LISTER I'm only human. You were completely naked, starkers, nude, in the buff, totally kit-less, no clothes on! KOCHANSKI You've seen me with no clothes on when we went out! LISTER Yeah, but, I wanted to see if anything had changed. KOCHANSKI Why didn't you just ask, instead of filming me in secret? LISTER Because you'll have said 'no'. KOCHANSKI Not necessarily. If I'd known it meant that much to you, that you needed to see me naked so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said 'no'. LISTER You wouldn't? KOCHANSKI No. Well, we're friends aren't we? LISTER It never occured to me that I could just ask. Oh, you're such a great friend. I love being your friend. Kris..? KOCHANSKI No! Not now, and now, not ever! LISTER But you just said - KOCHANSKI We're not friends any more... [Exit KOCHANSKI] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [LISTER present] [LISTER is sat by himself at the table in the centre of the cell. Two small bags of flour are in front of him together with some writing paper, and he chews thoughtfully on a pen] [Enter RIMMER] RIMMER Appeal applications, Listy. Character testimonials. What's this? LISTER Kris found out about the shower thing; she went ballistic. It's just a little present to say 'sorry'. RIMMER A bag of flour? LISTER No, two bags. I'm in the Tank, in the middle of Deep Space. I can't just get on the blower to Interflora, you know! Flour - Flours! It's the closest I could get. RIMMER You romantic fool. LISTER You know how hard it is getting this stuff? I had to nick this from the bakery. She'll appreciate that. RIMMER I can just see her reading the card: "Dear Kris, I'm really sorry for ogling you and the girls in the shower yesterday for three gob-smacking hours of steamy fun. To make up for it, and to indicate how truly sorry I am, here's two bags of self-raising. Something I didn't need any help with yesterday." LISTER It's easy for you, you're not crazy about her. It's re- it's really dibilitating, being nuts about someone. You lose twenty I.Q. points every time you talk to them. RIMMER You must be nuts about a fair few people, then, are you? [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN The girls found out about Shower Night. They attacked me, cleaned out my system and kicked me out. I've been reclassified as a man... [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [KRYTEN, LISTER present] KRYTEN I feel terrible, sir, for endangering your appeal. LISTER It's not your fault, Kryten, they got to you. KRYTEN I presume you've heard the news about Miss Kochanski. LISTER What news? KRYTEN You haven't heard? LISTER Heard what? KRYTEN The news. LISTER What news? KRYTEN You haven't heard the news? LISTER Heard what news?? KRYTEN No one's told you? LISTER Told me what? KRYTEN About Miss Kochanski? LISTER What about Miss Kochanski? KRYTEN About Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim. LISTER What about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim?? KRYTEN I can't believe you don't know! LISTER Know what?? KRYTEN No one told you?? LISTER Told me what!? KRYTEN You mean to say that you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim? LISTER What news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim!? KRYTEN I don't believe it. LISTER Believe what!? KRYTEN Psh, tsk - I'm so traumatised no one's had the guts to tell you the horrible, terrible, terrible, appallingly hideous, awful news! I'm not sure I can even speak now. LISTER Kryten, there's a two hundred foot drop down there; now tell me the news. KRYTEN Well, she's started going out with Tim again. He's taking her to the Officer's Club tonight. Her probation permits it, providing she's back by ten. LISTER Ohhh. This is all down to that shower thing, isn't it? KRYTEN You know what Tim's like, sir. Impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great lover. And you're just... you. It's so unfair! You must feel awful. LISTER Well I do now! God! KRYTEN You're taking this very well, sir. I - I'm really impressed. LISTER No I'm not, man, I'm falling apart. KRYTEN I know that, but I was just trying to cheer you up! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER present] [Enter LISTER, KRYTEN] LISTER What can I do? HOLLY You've gotta deal with your grief, man. Breakup is very much like a bereavement: its usually followed by a cremation and some sandwiches. LISTER You haven't got a clue what you're on about, have you? HOLLY Mark my words: time is a great healer. Unless you've got a rash, in which case you're better off with ointment. LISTER Look, they haven't seen each other for ages; they're only going out for a meal. What's the worst thing that could happen? RIMMER How's this, Listy: a little wine, a little laughter, then its back to his place for coffee and a game of chess. Before you know it, she's sandwiched between two bishops and her queen's exposed to an attack from the rear. KRYTEN It's a tragedy. LISTER What are you so bothered about? I thought you hated the idea of me and her getting it together? KRYTEN That was the old me, sir. I've grown and matured since then. No, the new me wants you to have children so I can iron those itty-bitty little socks! And you're not getting any younger, sir, and neither are your sperms. I'm getting worried about those guys. Any older older and they'll need a Stanner<sp> stairlift to get up the fallopian tubes! LISTER So what do you propose? KRYTEN We nail that horny stag and get you and the divine Miss K together. It's my way of saying 'sorry'. RIMMER But nothing that's going to endanger the appeal... KRYTEN First, we sabotage the date. LISTER What, 'we'? You mean you're gonna help me? Step on board the 'love express', sir! Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe: this is what you leave in his quarters - - a half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer. LISTER Is it? I like those. KRYTEN Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly". What a total dweebo, nerdmeister he'll look with those! RIMMER They're mine! KRYTEN And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants. RIMMER *They're* mine! KRYTEN And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing will. RIMMER Have you been going through my things? KRYTEN And not forgetting... LISTER A pair of scissors? KRYTEN This is the piece de resistence... [-- xx - Int. An officers quarters ----------------------------------x:xx--] [scatters mags on table and sofa] [bites sandwich then throws it under cushion] [puts poster of a chimp sitting on a toilet on wall] LISTER "Frank Acissi and the Apostles" - "Hyms in Rock" - [Kum Bayah from CD player] [posing male statue with chain] LISTER Some digestive biscuit... [lobster over lamp] [scissors, unzips, cuts pubic hair, sprinkles on bed and on soap] [underpants laid on bed] [VD clinic appointment card on pillow] LISTER The love assassin... [-- xx - Int. Corridor outside officer's quarters -------------------x:xx--] [KRYTEN present] KRYTEN What Mister Lister doesn't know, of course, is he's been set up by Krytie TV! [The door behid KRYTEN slides open with a hiss] [Enter LISTER] KRYTEN Shh! Here he comes now! Mister Lister! LISTER Kryten, is that you? KRYTEN You trashed that room because you believed Miss Kochanski was dating Tim, didn't you? LISTER What, you mean she isn't? KRYTEN Look who's quarters you really trashed... [KRYTEN taps a rapid-fire code into the pad on the wall and the door slides shut. On it is written "MR. ACKERMAN"] LISTER You said the girls had restored you back to normal! KRYTEN Whoops! You've been Krytered! LISTER I've wrecked Ackerman's quarters!! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] RIMMER THE APPEAL! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [LISTER, KRYTEN present] KRYTEN But the surprises haven't finished yet, here on Krytie TV, because Mister Ackerman and his red hot date are due back any second. It's a race against time! Sir, start cleaning that room! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER present] RIMMER Sorry to keep droning on about this, but what about - THE APPEAL! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [LISTER present] LISTER Smeg! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] RIMMER Oh smeg..! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER and LISTER swarm through ACKERMAN's quarters, undoing the mess that LISTER created] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN Thanks for watching, folks; see you next time! RIMMER There he is! LISTER Kryten, come here a minute... KRYTEN I was just trying to boost the ratings, sir! LISTER Get him, and bring him back to the Tank! KRYTEN It was nothing personal! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER present] [Enter LISTER] LISTER The appeal. Oooohhhhh... YES! RIMMER "Dear Mister Lister, your appeal has been successful"! "From this day forth all inmates with no record of violence or depression will be allowed... to have strings on their guitars"... This appeal was all about guitar strings? LISTER You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did you? RIMMER You mean to say I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your lousy, stinking guitar?? LISTER You've been a brick, man. And as a personal 'thank you', I thought I'd write you a song... [--------------------------- END OF "KRYTIE TV" --------------------xx:xx--] [CAST REFERENCE] RIMMER LISTER CAT Chris Barrie Craig Charles Danny John-Jules KRYTEN KOCHANSKI HOLLY Robert Llewellyn Chloe Annett Norman Lovett KILL CRAZY [GOVERNOR] ACKERMAN MAN IN FILM Jake Wood Graham McTavish Mark Caven WOMAN IN FILM GUARD Sarah Wateridge Clifford Barry [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "" Thanks.]