Only The Good - Script v1.01

{RED DWARF Clearing House}

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-99

Only The Good
New @ 19May99

The curtains draw over Red Dwarf 8 as Only The Good leaves you hanging...

This is version 1.01 of the script, and is complete, barring corrections. Enjoy.

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

Raz, DTLK, 1996-99 19May99

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 8 -- ONLY THE GOOD [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 1.01 7 - 9 April, 1999 Last updated: 19 May, 1999 Raz / [-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--] [A derelict ship, floating in space. A pod tumbles away from the ship and slices by the camera] [-- 2 - CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------0:04--] [A plain starfield. Narrative text draws across the screen:] "Lone escape pod from SS Hermes - Survivors one. Ship destroyed by Chameleonic Microbe." [A pause, then the words 'by Chameleonic Microbe.' are deleted, and replaced with:] "by Chamelionic Mycrobe." [A second pause, then 'by Chamelionic Mycrobe.' is deleted, and replaced with the much simpler:] "by shape changing weird space thing. Non essential electrics all down, including spell checker. Massage ends." [-- 3 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:26--] [The triangular escape pod tumbles through space, its fuel spent. It approaches Red Dwarf and falls into the ship's gravity well] [-- 4 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:36--] [A cargo bay within Red Dwarf. The pod has been brought in and now sits upright in the bay. Narrative text appears:] "6 hours later" [One side of the pod begins to shimmer, as some kind of black, flickery substance begins to spread out from the entry hatch and move around the large, circular airlock cavity. As the black substance passes, the metalwork of the pod vanishes, leaving behind a jagged tear through the airlock] [-- 5 - Int. Captain's Recovery room --------------------------------0:46--] [We see a close up on a TV screen, display on which is an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is being carried by a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet; she kicks her legs and screams melodramatically] [CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present] [HOLLISTER is lying in bed, looking ill. There is a knock on the door, and the CAPTAIN struggles to croak around an obviously sore throat] HOLLISTER ...Come in... [More knocks issue, and HOLLISTER reacts with exasperation] HOLLISTER ...Come in... [HOLLISTER strains hard, but the caller obviously still does not hear, and knocks again] HOLLISTER ...Come in!... [There is a pause, then the door swishes open] [Enter RIMMER] RIMMER Can I come in, sir? I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear me? Your hot lemon, sir. [HOLLISTER takes the drink, then pats at his face] HOLLISTER God-damn yellow fever. I've still got that jowly, flabby, puffiness around my cheeks. RIMMER Wasn't that there before your illness, sir? Yes, I'm sure it was, because - [HOLLISTER glances at RIMMER sharply] RIMMER Let me tuck you in, sir. HOLLISTER How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet? RIMMER Enjoying it, sir. Some directives for you to sign, sir: [RIMMER hands over a clipboard, and the CAPTAIN leafs through it] HOLLISTER What's this 'Space Core Free Pardon', exonerating you of all crimes, doing in here? [RIMMER sucks air through his mouth, an expression of incredulity on his face] RIMMER Those people in Admin really need to pay more mind, sir, honestly! Tsk! You can't rely on anyone these days, can you! [HOLLISTER stares coldly at RIMMER, who breaks under the pressure and sinks to his knees by the CAPTAIN's bed] RIMMER I'm so sorry, sir, it's just, if I've got a record, I'll never become an officer and command my own ship; and that's what I long for more than anything, sir, to be like you... Maybe thinner, and in better condition, and obviously without your clogged arteries, but that aside, sir, you're the person I admire the most. HOLLISTER Another ambition achieved... RIMMER You think I could become an officer, one day, sir? HOLLISTER Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer, but I'm sorry, you're just not officer material. RIMMER 'Not officer material', sir?? HOLLISTER If you wanna take my advice you'll redirect your energies and find something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at. RIMMER Like what, sir? [HOLLISTER feigns loss of speech] RIMMER So you're saying I'm never going to become a Captain, sir? Never? [HOLLISTER croaks words] [There is another knock at the door, and a woman dressed in a flowing black dress sweeps in. Ignoring RIMMER, she stares down at the CAPTAIN] WOMAN They said it was okay to drop by... HOLLISTER Talia?? We-ll, hi! [RIMMER jumps to his feet and smarms at the woman] RIMMER Hi! [The woman smiles in return, but immediately returns her gaze to the CAPTAIN] HOLLISTER Ah, Rimmer was just leaving... TALIA I can't believe we've run into one another again after all this time! HOLLISTER Well, the nanobots must have resurrected you, too! You look... wonderful. TALIA You made Captain; you've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps. RIMMER The photograph of your *wife*, sir? Is it okay where it is or should I turn it so it's facing the wall? HOLLISTER Dismissed, Rimmer. RIMMER Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Nothing I can get *you*, ma'am? Tea? Coffee? [RIMMER turns and heads out, still muttering] RIMMER Packet of three..? [Exit RIMMER] [TALIA's eyes widen as she hears RIMMER's parting words, and the CAPTAIN glares after him, then smiles and apologises to his guest] [-- 6 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room --------------------Raz--3:34--] [RIMMER present] [RIMMER strides away from the CAPTAIN's room] RIMMER Me? Not make it? What does he know? The big, stupid, yellow idiot. [RIMMER pauses by a food dispenser, and begins fishing in his pocket] RIMMER He doesn't see my good side, my guile, my weasel cunning. When the going gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places. [RIMMER takes out a token from his pocket and carefully extends a length of thread that is attached to it. He inserts the token into the dispenser's credit slot] RIMMER He thinks I'm an imbecile, he really does... [RIMMER taps in a few numbers on a control panel, and a chocolate bar drops into the vending compartment. RIMMER takes it] RIMMER Ha ha. Me, an imbecile! [In one smooth motion, RIMMER carefully tugs on the string and pulls his coin back out of the dispenser. Immediately lights begin to flash all over the machine] DISPENSER Alert, alert! A choccy-nut bar - a choccy-nut bar - has been removed without payment. [RIMMER slaps his hand across the dispenser's speaker-unit] DISPENSER A choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment. Alert, alert! RIMMER Shut up! DISPENSER No, shan't. Alert, alert! RIMMER If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker and you'll drown. DISPENSER Take your hand off m' speaker then. RIMMER Promise to shut up? DISPENSER Promise. [RIMMER uncovers the speaker] DISPENSER Ha ha ha haa! I had m' circuits crossed! Alert, alert! Chocolate abduction on floor three-four-one. Alert - [Angrily, RIMMER crumples up the CAPTAIN's directives and stuffs the papers into the dispenser's speaker grille. He begins peeling off the sticky- backed instruction labels that decorate the dispenser over its various slots and vents and, in an attempt to silence the machine, re-sticks them so that they cover the speaker grille] DISPENSER Ooh, I say, you w'll - you will not get away with this, I may not be able to see you but I know your taste in confectionary! And I also - I also know - I also know, ha haa, erm, no, in fact that *is* all I know, just your taste in confectionary, but no matter, because one day I'll hear your voice again and I'll expose you for the chocolate thieving dog you are! [RIMMER gives up on trying to suffocate the machine, and rubs his hands on his trousers nervously] RIMMER I'm really scared! I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine! [Enter HOLLISTER] [HOLLISTER approaches RIMMER from behind, carrying the tray RIMMER brought with him to the recovery room. Still railing at the dispenser, RIMMER does not see him approach] RIMMER What are you gonna do, leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my bed? "Oh, mummy, help, help, help! I'm really scared!" HOLLISTER Rimmer..? [RIMMER whirls around and flattens himself against the wall] HOLLISTER You forgot your tray... RIMMER Thank you, sir. [HOLLISTER turns to walk away] DISPENSER He stole some chocolate! He stole s - [RIMMER claps his hand across the speaker once more as HOLLISTER turns back to regard him. The CAPTAIN opens his mouth and points at RIMMER, then thinks better of it and heads back to his room] [Exit HOLLISTER] DISPENSER You are my nemesis... one day, our paths will cross again, and I - I will *destroy* you... RIMMER And on that day, I will be the Captain of this ship. [Exit RIMMER] [-- 7 - Int. Corridors circling Floor 13's central chamber ----------5:30--] [CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present] [The trio are walking through corridors on Floor 13] CAT It's okay for Mister cushy-working-for-the-Captain-now, but what about me? All that damned rock! My back's killing me, bud! Look at my spine, it's so curved, if you threw it away it'd come back! Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock! I ain't used to work! But what job do they give me? KRYTEN Er, something to do with rocks, sir? CAT Exactly. You know what they've got me doing? I've got to put all the rock albums on the P.A. system. I've got to change those suckers once every forty-five minutes! I'm a physical wreck! Probation's killing me, buds..! [Exit CAT] [Thankful for the silence, LISTER notices the piece of card that KRYTEN carries] LISTER What's that? KRYTEN Oh, it's just a present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski. [KRYTEN holds it up for LISTER to see] LISTER What, a calendar? KRYTEN Mmm. A couple of days ago she was looking at the old calendar and she said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one. I'm going to tell her, the calendar people made a mistake, but let's just leave this whole 'wrong month' thing behind us; they were stupid, it was careless, but being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of proportion. LISTER A little word in your audio receiver: [KRYTEN leans closer, and LISTER whispers into his ear for a few moments. They separate] KRYTEN And this happens to all women? They become cranky and weird, and yet you never see this in films or on TV... and men are supposed to be in control of the media..! This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate! LISTER Relax, its not a big deal. I'll tell you what to do and how to behave; everything. Just trust me. [-- 8 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------7:05--] [KRYTEN present] [Enter KOCHANSKI] [KOCHANSKI spots KRYTEN, then glances up at something above him. She does a double-take and her eyes widen. KRYTEN stands under a large banner that proclaims: "HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD"] KRYTEN Ta-daaaa! Thank goodness for Mister Lister! I nearly made such a fool of myself. [KRYTEN holds up a single tampon, dangling on its string and adorned with green ribbons] KRYTEN A little present ma'am. [KOCHANKSI narrows her eyes and nods as if playing along] KRYTEN All gift-wrapped. I hope I chose the right size... KOCHANSKI Dave told you to do this, didn't he. KRYTEN Ohhh, isn't he wonderful? KOCHANSKI Oh yeah. Sometimes he's so cute I could just eat him. KRYTEN He explained everything to me so I wouldn't embarrass myself. [KRYTEN grins and gestures with the tampon] KOCHANSKI Come on then, open it! I want you to try it on. Maybe you could do a little twirl in it? [KOCHANSKI scowls and glares at KRYTEN] KOCHANSKI Kryten, how can I put this..? KRYTEN Is there something wrong, ma'am? [KRYTEN pauses for a moment, considering, then quickly lowers his arm] KRYTEN He set me up, didn't he. This is absolutely the wrong thing to do when a woman is having a... [KRYTEN points upwards towards the last word of the banner] KRYTEN Is the banner wrong, too? [KOCHANSKI nods, quietly] KOCHANSKI Oh yeah. KRYTEN He was lying! I've been duped by a master craftsman. Well, two can play at this game! KOCHANSKI Oh yeah? What do you have in mind? KRYTEN Well, are you sure you have time for this, ma'am? I realise the next few days are very special for you. Don't you want to be playing tennis alot in tight, white jeans? Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that. And not forgetting all that blue stuff you've got to pour over things. KOCHANSKI Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back! KRYTEN Right, here's my idea... [KRYTEN lowers his voice and goes through the details quickly, gesturing exaggeratedly to illustrate the key points] [-- 9 - Int. Cell ----------------------------------------------Raz--9:04--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] [LISTER and RIMMER are sat at their table, playing draughts. A quiet whistle is heard, and LISTER looks at his watch] LISTER That's Holl, he must want something. [LISTER prods the watch and transfers HOLLY to the wall monitor] HOLLY [on viewscreen] Thought you might like to hear some hot off the press, official insider information. There's gonna be a cell inspection in about ten minutes. Keep it under your hat. [HOLLY winks conspiratorially, and LISTER nods] [Enter GUARD] GUARD Cell inspection in ten minutes. [Exit GUARD] [LISTER glances back to HOLLY] [-- 10 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:29--] [HOLLY present] [HOLLY nods and smiles, pleased with himself] HOLLY Told you. [-- 11 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:33--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] LISTER Thanks, Holl, it was most helpful. [-- 12 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:37--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY When it comes to being ahead of the game, I'm your man. [-- 13 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:42--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] RIMMER If you don't mind me asking, where did you get that priceless nugget of information *way* before it got into the public domain? [-- 14 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:48--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY I've hacked into the ship's computer system; got into the prison log. I've also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory. Discovered stuff in there that'll make your hair stand on end... [-- 15 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:59--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] LISTER What stuff? [-- 16 - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------10:01--] [HOLLY present] HOLLY 'Brylcreme', it's called. Y' put it on your head, and it makes your hair stand on end. Apparently we've only got two jars left, so if you need some, let me know. As soon as I've got anything else that'll be useful I'll be back. [-- 17 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------10:20--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] RIMMER See you in about twenty-five years, then. [HOLLY nods and pulls a sarcastic face, and his image dissolves] [Exit HOLLY] [LISTER scratches at his forehead intently]] LISTER This little scar's itchy today. Must be all the dust. RIMMER You've got a scar? When did you get that? LISTER Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were giving out - y'know, er, "most accidents happen in the home, so be careful" ones? I accidentally stabbed m'self in the head with one. RIMMER Where were you? LISTER I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything. RIMMER That's not a scar, that's a nick. *That* is a scar. [RIMMER points at the small white mark under his jawline] LISTER Where did you get that? RIMMER From a fight, years ago. Duel. LISTER A duel? You? Get out of town! RIMMER Not *a* duel; "Duel", the old Steven Spielburg movie. Friend of mine attacked me with a video case. Some stupid argument about who had the coolest bicycle clips. I got him back, though. I peed in his mum's steam iron; he had yellow t-shirts for a week. [A buzzing noise issues from a small device on the wall of their cell] RIMMER Why's that going off? [RIMMER crosses to the device and tears off the piece of paper that the machine has just printed] RIMMER It's from Kryten: "Look under the draughts board". LISTER Another note... "Dear Mister Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss Kochanski. In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash of illegal hooch and hide it in... your shower"! "I am laughing as I write this knowing your cell is about to be searched, and imagining the panic now gripping your soul"!! [LISTER tears open the shower cubicle and sees several demijohns] RIMMER Oh my god! LISTER Oh god! RIMMER What the hell are we gonna do? We've got an inspection in five minutes! We're on probation! LISTER Down the loo; down the sink. [LISTER drags one of the demijohns over to their sink and upends the contents into it] RIMMER Baxter's gonna kill us if he finds out we're doing this! LISTER The Captain's gonna kill us if we don't! RIMMER But Baxter! You've seen what he's like: grizzly bears run screaming from *him*. Last week he was playing poker, ran out of money - he bet his right nut on a pair of jacks! A pair of jacks! That's how hard he is. [A warning light flashes above LISTER's head] LISTER Smeg, the tank's full! RIMMER What're we gonna do? We've still got two bottles left! LISTER We're gonna have to drink it. RIMMER Drink it? This Baxter's hooch, it's about three hundred percent proof! A bottle of this would get the entire Greek navy drunk. LISTER It'll put hairs on your chest. RIMMER It'll put hairs on your lips! It'll put hairs on your... hairs! It's lethal. LISTER Look, do you wanna get caught in possession of illegal hooch? Get drinkin'. RIMMER Have we got any mixers? LISTER You are wetter than a driving instructors handshake, aren't you. Get it down your gob! [LISTER takes a tentative sip from one of the bottles. He lowers the bottle slowly, face slack. He coughs painfully and shuffles hesitantly towards his chair] RIMMER What's it like? LISTER It's okay... [RIMMER takes a wary sip himself. After a moment, his mouth begins to tremble, followed by the rest of his head. By the time he joins LISTER at the table, most of his body is convulsing gently. LISTER topples off the side of his chair and sits down heavily on the floor] [-- 18 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------13:37--] [A plain black screen. Text appears:] "5 minutes sshhlater..." [-- 19 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------13:41--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] [LISTER has managed to regain his seat, but apart from that, nothing has changed. Both RIMMER and LISTER sit quietly, wobbling gently and looking decidedly ill] [Enter ACKERMAN] ACKERMAN In-spec-tion! [ACKERMAN's smile disappears as the pair ignore him, and he glares down at them] ACKERMAN On your feet... [RIMMER and LISTER do as ordered; or, at least, try. Several long moments later, both have succeeded in pushing themselves to their feet] ACKERMAN Stand by your bunks... [ACKERMAN moves aside and, with great care, RIMMER and LISTER make a dive for the bunks, each managing to grab the top bed and hold themselves upright. ACKERMAN takes a sniff of the demijohn standing on the table, grimaces, and walks across the room to stand between RIMMER and LISTER in front of the bunks] ACKERMAN You're drunk. LISTER Drunk, shir? [LISTER shakes his head emphatically then finds it difficult to stop] LISTER No, sir. RIMMER Absolutelly not, sir, no. No, no. No. [ACKERMAN ponders for a moment] ACKERMAN Who fancies a kebab? LISTER Oh yeah! RIMMER Me, sir, me! LISTER Oh smeg... he's shticked us. [RIMMER passes out and falls stiffly to the floor. LISTER points and giggles, then thinks hard for a few seconds] LISTER Musht've been tshe jshelly shtrifle for lunch, shir. Told him not to go back for seconds, sir. [LISTER rests his head against ACKERMAN's shoulder and instantly falls asleep, snoring softly. ACKERMAN looks out of the cell] ACKERMAN Call the medi-bay; we need two stomach pumps. [ACKERMAN stares at LISTER with disgust] ACKERMAN Super-suck... [-- 20 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------15:29--] [KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT, other prisoners present] [Enter BAXTER, two cronies] KOCHANSKI It's Baxter... [BAXTER menaces across the mess hall and leans over the Dwarfer's table] BAXTER Your two mates stole my hooch; and when they get out of hospital, and there's no guards about, this is what's gonna happen to them... [BAXTER picks up two bread buns from the table in front of CAT and crushes them in his fists. He giggles insanely] CAT You're gonna squeeze their rolls? That's irritating, but hey, in many ways they'll be quite relieved! [Exit BAXTER] KRYTEN What've I done!? [-- 21 - Int. Red Dwarf medibay ------------------------------------16:13--] [LISTER, RIMMER present] [The pair are laid in hospital beds and hooked up to I.V.'s] RIMMER Uaaahhhhh... [Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN] [KOCHANSKI is sat in a wheelchair, which KRYTEN is pushing. In an attempt to look like legitimate patients, both are dressed in white gowns, KOCHANSKI has a large saucepan apparently stuck over her head, and KRYTEN's head has been dotted with blue blobs of Blu-tak] KOCHANSKI Baxter's out to mash you - you've got to escape. We all have. KRYTEN Security's lax, here. If we can make it to the landing bay, and steal a ship, well, Bob's your Skutter! RIMMER Where's the Cat? KRYTEN He should be getting himself hospitalised any second. [-- 22 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------16:40--] [Three bulky prisoners are sat on a bench beside a table, eating meals from trays] [Enter CAT] [CAT steps over the bench and proceeds to lever himself a space between two of the men, his elbows, knees and feet all causing the other men obvious annoyance as he pushes them aside. All three prisoners stare menacingly at CAT, but say nothing. CAT gestures down the table and speaks to the man previously in the middle of the three prisoners] CAT Pass the salt, would you? [As the man looks away to get the salt, CAT grabs a handful of fries from the burly prisoner's tray and stuffs them into his mouth. As he turns back, the man glances at his lighter tray, then at CAT, who points past him to the prisoner sat at the end of the table] CAT That guy there took some of your fries. [Despite the ludicrous suggestion, the big man looks at the other prisoner anyway, who stares back impassively and goes back to his meal while CAT helps himself to the other man's tray twice more. The burly prisoner stares at CAT again] BIG MEAT What in the hell are you doin' - [BIG MEAT casts a disdainful eye at CAT's haircut] BIG MEAT - Shirley? [CAT glances at the man's large stomach] CAT I'm stealing your fries, fatboy. [While BIG MEAT looks on incredulously, CAT elbows past him, grabs two more mouthfuls of fries, steals his drink to wash them down, then picks up his sausage and bites off a chunk. CAT then grabs the spoon from BIG MEAT's hand and takes two spoonfuls of the man's trifle before tossing the spoon down onto the tray] CAT Mmm. This is good. Tasty. [BIG MEAT stares coldly at CAT and speaks slowly and menacingly] BIG MEAT There ain't no one more bad-ass *evil* in the whole of hell! What makes you think you can diss me and live? CAT Cos things are changin' 'round here. From now on, marshmallow ass, you're my bitch! [Suddenly CAT closes his eyes and thrusts his jaw out at BIG MEAT, who simply stares at him in amazement] BIG MEAT Your what? CAT B - I - itch, 'bitch'! That's what you look like; that's what you are! Understand? [Again CAT squeezes his eyes shut and thrusts out his jaw, muscles tensed] [BIG MEAT is motionless for a moment, then suddenly he seems to sag] BIG MEAT Okay! CAT What? BIG MEAT Anyone who tough-talks me gotta be a no-loadin' pug! You want me to be your bitch, that's *fine* by me! Sir! CAT You sure you don't want to just hit me a couple of times, test me out? BIG MEAT No, sir! I'm your bitch! From now on I'm your jiggly-wiggly, roll-over, sweet-patooey, honey-bun missy! I just wan' make you happy! CAT Then hit me! [CAT offers his jaw desperately] BIG MEAT And hurt my baby's kisser? Nothin' doin'! [BIG MEAT puts his huge arms around CAT and smiles broadly. CAT turns away as much as he can, panic on his face] CAT Damn! [-- 23 - Int. Red Dwarf medi-bay ------------------------------Raz--18:52--] [LISTER present, RIMMER, NURSE present] [Exit NURSE] [Enter CAT] [CAT presses himself up against the corner he just entered around, checking behind him to check if the NURSE noticed anything peculiar. It's easy to see what he's worried about - he is dressed in a nurse's yellow-checked utility dress and white cap. Satisfied the NURSE has left, CAT totters to LISTER's bedside on a pair of high heels and pretends to check his pulse. His eyes closed, LISTER smiles and raises his head, then grimaces in surprise] CAT We can't hang around, we've gotta be out of here by five o'clock! LISTER What's so special about five o'clock? CAT Five o'clock's bed-bath time! And apparently, I'm doin' them! [-- 24 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------19:20--] [Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT] [KRYTEN unfastens the cover of an access tube set into the wall of the corridor and the Dwarfers file out] [-- 25 - Int. Red Dwarf Landing bay 2 ------------------------------19:26--] [The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away] [Enter KRYTEN, LISTER] KRYTEN The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes - it's on Red Dwarf! [Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT] LISTER How? RIMMER The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one Talia whatsername arrived on. LISTER We've gotta go back and tell them. RIMMER But what about our escape? LISTER It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got a chance to work on an antidote. RIMMER You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you? KOCHANSKI No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture. RIMMER Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack. [-- 26 - Int. Central chamber, floor 13 ----------------------------20:01--] [Prisoners, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present] [HOLLISTER stands on the the first level balcony that circles the chamber and looks down at the inmates] HOLLISTER Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued, so most of you will be staying behind to die. Oh, there's an apology about that in the internal mail. [-- 27 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------20:18--] [Red Dwarf cruises through space, as several squadrons of Blue Midget and Starbug transport craft stream away] [-- 28 - Int. Landing bay 2, corroding corridor --------------------20:28--] [KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present] [KRYTEN holds a test tube, and gingerly collects a quantity of the dark brown, jelly-like microbe] KRYTEN Just as I thought. Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass. CAT So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we're home free! KRYTEN We need an antidote. Something that can neutralise the corrosive negativity of the microbe. LISTER Something with a corrosive *positivity*? CAT So where do we get that? HOLLY [on LISTER's wristwatch] There's nothing in Yellow Pages. KOCHANSKI A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to this one. There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote. [-- 29 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------20:59--] [KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present] [KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam perturbs its surface] KRYTEN If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't know until we get there. [LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...] [-- 30 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:18--] [RIMMER present] [...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and that its contents have turned white] [-- 31 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:22--] [KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present] [An angry pop and a flash of sparks come from KRYTEN's machine, and the beam of light abruptly cuts off. KOCHANSKI, in the act of following RIMMER, finds herself colliding with a suddenly solid mirror] [-- 32 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:25--] [RIMMER present] [RIMMER notices the mirror solidify behind him and spins around, panicked. He checks the now-solid surface closely, but there's nothing he can do] [-- 33 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:28--] [KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present] [The machine fizzles and pops, showering sparks and sending a cloud of smoke spiralling upwards] KRYTEN It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer! CAT At last, things are looking up! LISTER How long's it going to take to fix that thing? KRYTEN Well, best guess, about twenty minutes. [-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:39--] [RIMMER looks around the room. We see a close up on a TV screen, which is showing an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is carrying a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet that kicks its legs and howls melodramatically. There is a knock on the door. RIMMER realises what is going on, and dives to the bed, taking off his boots. The caller knocks again, while RIMMER finds a blanket tucked behind a pillow on the bed] [-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Corridor outside recovery room ------22:00--] [CREWMEMBER present] [Close up: a CREWMEMBER knocks again on the door] [-- 35 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------22:02--] [RIMMER has managed to slip under the blanket. The door slides open and RIMMER hastily grabs the microbe tube and stuffs it under the blanket] [Enter MIRROR HOLLISTER] [M.HOLLISTER is carrying a tray with a drink and clipboard on it, and smiles sycophantically] M.HOLLISTER Can I come in, sir? I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear? Here's your hot lemon, sir. [RIMMER takes a sip, before handing the glass back and glancing at the insignias on M.HOLLISTER's shirt] RIMMER Thank you, erm... Private... nobody. M.HOLLISTER Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir. RIMMER Of course, laddie. [RIMMER takes the clipboard and turns to the second page, then scowls] RIMMER A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes? [RIMMER tears out the false directive and throws it away. M.HOLLISTER exhales loudly] M.HOLLISTER Oohhh, I don't know how that got in there, sir, I, er... I... RIMMER Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie? M.HOLLISTER Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be? RIMMER No, I don't think you could. [RIMMER takes a pen and tries to sign a directive, but his arm refuses to control the pen properly] RIMMER Of course, it's a mirror universe, everything's opposite... [RIMMER puts the pen in his left hand and signs the directive. Suddenly, a thought occurs to him and he grins excitedly. Lifting the blanket, he glances downwards, stares intently for a few moments and swallows] RIMMER My God... this is gonna take some getting used to... [Enter MIRROR TALIA] M.TALIA They said it was okay to drop by... You look wonderful... RIMMER So do you... [To M.HOLLISTER:] That'll be all, shambles. M.HOLLISTER Yes, sir. M.TALIA You made Captain - [Exit MIRROR HOLLISTER] M.TALIA You've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps. RIMMER So have I! M.TALIA Let me kiss you. [As M.TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to his in a passionate kiss. Immediately, though, the woman tries to squirm away, making muffled protests. RIMMER realises the problem and releases her] M.TALIA What are you doing!? RIMMER I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue! M.TALIA But I'm your sister! [Shock paints RIMMER's face, and he sits bolt upright in the bed] RIMMER Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. I, erm... M.TALIA You French-kissed me! RIMMER No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you. I - I - I... urrrgghh... I've been really ill... You're the Captain's sister? [RIMMER begins to hyperventilate, then passes out. Seconds later, he lets out an abrupt groan and sits up again] RIMMER Oh, my god, what a terrible dream! Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol' lumpy bum down here and give'us a big hug! [RIMMER reaches out, catching M.TALIA's nose between his fingers playfully and shaking her head, but she pulls her nose free and backs away, appalled] M.TALIA Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual advisor! [M.TALIA lets out a strained whimper and flees] [Exit M.TALIA] RIMMER Sis! Sister... whoever you are! Oh, smeg! [-- 36 - Int. Mirror universe, Science office ----------------------24:50--] [MIRROR KOCHANSKI present] [M.KOCHANSKI sits at a desk engrossed in a magazine. In this mirror universe, she has tumbling blonde curls, and is wearing a pink satin blouse] [Enter RIMMER] RIMMER Excuse me? M.KOCHANSKI Yes? [M.KOCHANSKI speaks in a nasal voice, and doesn't look up from her magazine] RIMMER I wonder, could you tell me what this is? [M.KOCHANSKI frowns at the tube RIMMER holds up] M.KOCHANSKI You'll have to ask the professor, then. He does all that stupid, sciencey brain-box type stuff. [A door, marked 'HAZARD AREA' mirrored backwards, swings open] [Enter MIRROR CAT] [The MIRROR CAT is wearing a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, and wears his hair in a short afro cut] M.CAT Somebody call? RIMMER Professor!? M.CAT Yes, Captain? RIMMER Perhaps you could help me. What's this? [RIMMER hands him the test tube, which M.CAT sniffs] M.CAT Hmm. [M.CAT glances at the tube under a microscope, then holds it up once more and frowns at the contents] M.CAT Hmmm, its an alkali. RIMMER Oh yes? What's it called? M.CAT Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide. You look surprised. RIMMER I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me? M.CAT Certainly. [To M.KOCHANSKI:] Can I have an extremely *long* piece of paper, my dear? [-- 37 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------25:36--] [The mirror universe machine has apparently been fixed. It sends its beam through the mirror once more, and is working well enough to allow RIMMER's leg to pass through the glass, quickly followed by the rest of him] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER is holding the piece of paper with the formula, but appears to have left his test tube behind. As he enters the room fully, the beam of light from KRYTEN's machine fades away and disappears] RIMMER The antidote; I did it! [RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside. [-- 38 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------25:44--] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in panic] RIMMER Wha - Where is everyone? DISPENSER They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes you Captain - congratulations, Cap. RIMMER Smeg off! [-- 39 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------26:05--] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at the machine, and the problem is immediately obvious: the microbe has spread and the machine is a half-melted, corroding mess. RIMMER stares at the formula on his piece of paper, and dashes out] [Exit RIMMER] [-- 40 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------26:16--] [RIMMER present] [Dodging blasts of burning steam, RIMMER runs back out into the corridor, just as something in the recovery room breaks out in flames, but is pulled up short by the DISPENSER] DISPENSER Where are you going? [RIMMER shakes the paper at the machine] RIMMER To make up a formula! DISPENSER I think you'll find that the formula on that paper has now turned into the formula for the virus, because you've left the mirror universe, so it's turned back into its opposite - ha ha ha haa haaaa! [RIMMER stares at the garbled letters on the paper, as smoke, rolling in from the fire behind him, begins to obscure his vision] RIMMER Smeg, you're right! This is a disaster! DISPENSER No, there still could be a happy ending. RIMMER How? DISPENSER You know that chocolate bar you still owe me for? You could always pay me back before you snuff it. RIMMER How's that a happy ending? DISPENSER Well, its a happy ending for me. At least my totals will tally. RIMMER Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger! [The remains of the universe device explode messily, turning the fire behind RIMMER into an inferno. He runs for cover down the corridor] [Exit RIMMER] DISPENSER Every dog has its day, and today's the day... [The DISPENSER takes careful aim, and launches a high-velocity fizzy drink can through the air after RIMMER] [-- 41 - Int. Far end of Corridor ----------------------------------27:06--] [RIMMER present] [The can smacks RIMMER neatly on the back of the head, and he drops to the deck like a stone] [-- 42 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------27:09--] DISPENSER ...that I'm the dog! [-- 43 - Int. Far end of Corridor -----------------------------Raz--27:11--] [RIMMER present] [Stunned and in pain, RIMMER is on his hands and knees on the deck, the heat of the expanding fire singeing his back. Slowly he holds up the strip of paper with the microbe formula; it has caught fire as RIMMER fell to the deck, and perhaps a third of it has burned away already] RIMMER Smeg... [Struggling to retain consciousness, RIMMER lets the paper fall and sinks tiredly to the deck; nothing left to run to, and soon nothing even to run from. Exhausted, the air in the corridor growing hot and thin, RIMMER watches the flames lick at and burn away his last chance of salvation, when a foot, wearing a brown, open-toed sandal, crushes out the flames] [Enter DEATH] [RIMMER follows his eyes as they track slowly up the tall figure, whose body is completely obscured by flowing robes that seem to be teased by a whistling wind and somehow distanced from the heat and flames around them. The figure carries a long pole, to which is attached a long, curved blade] DEATH Arnold Judas Rimmer. Your life is over. Come with me. [Extending a hand, DEATH helps RIMMER to his feet as his deep, booming voice drones on] DEATH We will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin in the - RIMMER Not today, matey! [Abruptly, RIMMER knees DEATH solidly in the groin. The ethereal one drops his scythe and falls to his knees like the proverbial sack of potatoes] RIMMER Remember: "only the good die young". [A spring in his step, RIMMER turns on his heel and dashes away] [Exit RIMMER] DEATH That's never happened before... [DEATH collapses onto the deck] [-- 44 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------28:15--] [A black screen; a steady wind can be heard, blowing gently. Fade up the words: "THE END" [After a few moments, the letters are deleted, making way for a replacement message:] "THE SMEG IT IS" [------------------------ END OF "ONLY THE GOOD" -------------------28:24--] [CAST REFERENCE] RIMMER LISTER CAT Chris Barrie Craig Charles Danny John-Jules KRYTEN KOCHANSKI HOLLY Robert Llewellyn Chloe Annett Norman Lovett CAPTAIN [HOLLISTER] [GOVENOR] ACKERMAN TALIA Mac McDonald Graham McTavish Heidi Monsen DISPENSING MACHINE BAXTER BIG MEAT Tony Slattery Ricky Grover David Verrey [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "" Thanks.]