Ouroboros - Script v1.0



Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-97


Happy, happy, joy, joy
@ 31Mar97

I do believe we have an "Ouroboros" script...

This is version 1.0 of the script, and is fully finished, barring corrections.

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]


Raz, DTLK, 1996-97 31Mar97 +

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 7 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 3 -- OUROBOROS [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 1.0 2-4 February, 1997 Last updated: 31 March, 1997 Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk Credits for corrections: Sea, Annette McIntosh [-- 1 - Int. Empty pub ----------------------------------------------------] <A pair of hands, their owner out of view, push a large cardboard box underneath a zero-gravity pool table. A single word written in black marker pen adorns the side of the box, and reads: Ouroboros'. The owner of the box leaves without being seen accompanied by a strange whooshing' noise, the source of which casts a momentary red glow on the floor. The small leg of a baby can be seen in the box, kicking at its blankets> [A caption appears on screen: THE AIGBURTH ARMS, LIVERPOOL NOVEMBER 26th, 2155] [Enter CUSTOMER] CUSTOMER All right? Anyone servin' or what? BARMAID [OOV] With you in a minute, luv. [Both speakers have distinct Liverpudlian accents] [FX: baby sounds] <Hearing the baby fretting, the CUSTOMER walks over to the pool table and discovers the box. He picks it up and finds the baby wrapped in blankets inside. He takes it back to the bar> [Enter BARMAID, appearing behind the metal grating that seals off the bar area] BARMAID 'Ello, Frank, pet. What can I get for you? CUSTOMER Look at this - a just found it under the pool table. <The barmaid opens a hinged section of the grating and the customer passes the box through> BARMAID Any note? CUSTOMER No, not'in'. BARMAID <peering inside the box> Oh! They've written its name on the side, 'ere. 'Our Rob, or Ross' CUSTOMER Yeah, look at the way it's spelt - they must've been thicker than a ticket tout's wad. Couldn't even decide on a name. BARMAID Aw, poor little mite. I wonder what'll become of 'im? Som'thin' terrible, no doubt... [-- 2 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------] [LISTER present. He appears to be giving himself something of a hygeine overhaul. Tufts of cotton wool protrude from his ears, presumably to soak excess ear wax. Shaving foam covers the right-hand side of his face and in one hand he holds a razor which he runs down his jawline while brushing his teeth with his other hand. This completed to his satisfaction, LISTER picks up a pair of cooking tongs and, fully anticipating agony, pulls out an overtly protruding nasal hair. He cringes> LISTER I hate doin' that - I *hate* doin' that. <Suddenly a sneeze overtakes LISTER, and something is blasted out of his mouth to tinkle and lose itself against the bathroom equipment> LISTER Smeg! I've just sneezed out my cap! [Enter KRYTEN. He carries a washing basket and fresh bedclothes] KRYTEN Just thought I'd change your linen before you turn in for the night, sir. LISTER Kryten, something terrible's happenned: I've lost my cap. <KRYTEN pulls out LISTER's deerstalker from his washing basket> KRYTEN No, no, here it is, sir. I've just finished giving it its monthly scrape. LISTER My *tooth* cap... the one you made from the skeleton in the medi-bay. KRYTEN Oh, I see. <LISTER glances at the table where KRYTEN placed the basket> LISTER Heyy, here it is. I need some glue to stick it in; I've just got that needly, pointy thing - I look disgusting. KRYTEN Let me see - LISTER No, no - I look all needly, pointy and disgusting. KRYTEN Let me see, sir. I'm a mechanoid, for goodness' sake. I won't be revolted no matter *how* you look. LISTER Okay. KRYTEN Oh my god, it's hideous! <KRYTEN unexpectedly lets out a high pitched giggle> LISTER Yes, yes, very funny - just fix it. KRYTEN It'll take about half an hour to prepare some dental adhesive. LISTER Oh, gimme some wood glue - you can re-do it in the mornin'. KRYTEN Wood glue? Are you sure, sir? I don't want you to get your lips glued together, now be careful! <LISTER turns to the mirror and slathers glue over his needly, pointy thing' before sticking his cap back into place> KRYTEN Oh, incidentally, I just found some old clothes in one of the storage lockers. <KRYTEN takes out a pair of fluffy bunny slippers from his basket, placing them on the table, and holds up a very pink, very frilly, very ladies dressing gown> LISTER <appreciatively> Eyyyy, I need a dressing gown. KRYTEN Well, that's what I thought. I thought if I remove the trim, and let it out a little bit, obviously dye it, well I think it could be just dandy. <LISTER lets KRYTEN help him put on the gown over his shirt> LISTER Yeah, nice one, Kryts. KRYTEN Oh, perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir? <LISTER stands with his arms outstretched and KRYTEN begins to take measurements with a tape measure> LISTER I wonder why guys have nostril hair. KRYTEN I think its nature's way of telling you its time to buy a flat cap and a pair of driving gloves, sir. LISTER Worst, are those guys who just let it grow. They look like they've got, like, half a loo-brush lodged up each nostril. They look like those machines that shine your shoes. KRYTEN Curious, isn't it, that most women aren't similarly afflicted. Obviously I'm excluding women who work in Oxfam shops. LISTER Hey, it evens itself out, doesn't it. Women have the agony of childbirth and we have - <LISTER gestures with his tongs and snaps them together> LISTER - this. <LISTER yanks another stray hair from his nice and cringes> LISTER <voice laced with pain> They don't know they're born! They don't! <LISTER picks up a pack of dental floss and begins to clean his front teeth. After a moment, his sideways motion suddenly stops. He tugs for a moment, alarmed, before realisation dawns> LISTER What is *wrong* with me? Now I've got a box of floss attached to my face! [Enter CAT. He takes in LISTER's dressing gown, cotton wool ears, and dental floss arrangement] CAT Heyyy... nice outfit. LISTER Did you come in 'ere for a reason? CAT Oh yeah! Something's showing up on the long range scan which is *weird* with a capital 'we'. LISTER Can you be a tad more scientific? CAT Come again? KRYTEN Er, is it a 'wibbly thing', or a 'swirly thing', sir? CAT At this early stage I'd hate to commit myself and wind up looking a fool! Come see for yourself. [Exit CAT] <LISTER takes the slippers from the table and begins to put them on> LISTER 'Wibbly thing', or 'swirly thing', and he refuses to commit himself... <LISTER takes the dangling strands of floss and its box and drapes them over his shoulders> LISTER He's losing it, he really is. [Exit KRYTEN, LISTER] [-- 3 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------] [Deep Space. A dangerous-looking, undulating mass of orange-coloured energy lies ahead of Starbug] [-- 4 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------] [CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present, at stations] KRYTEN It's some kind of power surge that's causing a major disturbance in the fabric of Space-Time. CAT It's also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants! LISTER It's almost like a tear... KRYTEN Perhaps a temporal rift? CAT I'm gonna turn this tub around a try to out-run it. LISTER Get real, man - that thing out there's going faster than a copy of 'Hello!' in a nunnery. [Outside Starbug, we see the rift grow larger as Starbug approaches. Blue space and stars appear to be within it] KRYTEN Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave, sir, and head straight for the 'eye of the storm'. LISTER Cat - CAT Pshhh! LISTER Go for it, man. The eye of the storm. <Starbug dives into the rapidly expanding rift, and is quickly caught up in rippling eddies that shake the craft around and spin it on it's axis. Some of the smaller, more delicate components in the cockpit expire in small showers of sparks, but the ship in general seems to survive> KRYTEN We seem to be through the worst of it! But I'm picking up some kind of subspace energy disturbance down on the engineering deck. [-- 5 - Int. Starbug engineering deck ------------------------------------] [This is a dark and quiet corridor within Starbug, with one particular feature of interest: where once was one section of the side wall, there is now a shimmering, pulsating wall of blue light] [Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, CAT] KRYTEN According to the psi-scan, the membrane between two realities has temporarily collapsed. This is some kind of 'hyperway', through non-space to a parallel dimension. LISTER Let's have a goosey... [LISTER steps tentatively into the Way, followed by KRYTEN and CAT] [-- 6 - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------] [LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present. The Dwarfers walk slowly along a ethereal blue tunnel, seemingly constructed of misty azure laser light. It manages to convey a suggestion of being structurally unsound, giving slightly beneath the weight of their steps] <CAT s foot tears through the base of the hyperway, and KRYTEN grabs his arm and pulls him up. Revealed beyond the Way is an inky blackness beneath filled with fast-flowing ribbons of mist> KRYTEN Careful, sir. The linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver who's got stuck behind two old priest in a Skoda. CAT What the hell *is* that? KRYTEN 'Non-space', sir. An abyss of infinite nothingness, where Time doesn't seem to exist. LISTER Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night... [-- 7 - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------] [LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present] <From the opposite end of the Way, three figures step into view from a backdrop of bright light. Mirror images of the Dwarfers, there is a Parallel KRYTEN, identical but for a gold body shell; a Parallel CAT, immaculately dressed and aloof; and finally a Parallel LISTER; smartly dressed, self-assured, and...> P.LISTER How's it going? LISTER You're a hologram... P.LISTER Hard light. LISTER So, in your dimension Lister died? P.LISTER In the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf. LISTER Well, why didn't you get put into stasis like me? What happenned? P.LISTER Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas..? LISTER I'd taken a couple'a days off to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I remember... [We cut to flashback] [-- 8 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------] [The Red Dwarf in orbit around Mimas. A shuttle approaches, bringing crew back from shore leave] [-- 9 - Int. Red Dwarf customs area ---------------------------------------] [RIMMER present, standing in an embarkation corridor in a Red Dwarf customs area. This is the Red Dwarf pre-accident, and is pretty much as it was in series 1/2 time - masses of dull, grey metal and bored JMC staff. RIMMER stands at the end of the corridor, close to the customs desk. He is peering down the corridor which is out of shot, and holds a recognition card marked "Smeg head"] [Enter LISTER. He pushes a trolley before him piled with bags] RIMMER Where the hell have you been? I've reported you as A.W.O.L. LISTER I've been on shore leave, man. Didn't you get my message? <A Customs officer points to LISTER's bags and he begins transferring them to the officer's desk> RIMMER You're supposed to apply to a superior officeer before you get shore leave, Lister. LISTER Look, give me a break. Ever since Kochanski split up with me I've needed some time on my own, okay? RIMMER Kochanski dumped you? LISTER Yeah. RIMMER She really dumped you? LISTER Yes! RIMMER But you didn't tell me! You should have told me! Are you really heartbroken? LISTER I dunno, man, y'know. RIMMER You are, aren't you! LISTER Okay, yes! Yes! <The Customs officers check LISTER's items, all typical example's of tourist junk, and pass them back for LISTER to load back on to his trolley> RIMMER Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge that class division? Take her: navigation officer, cadet school, Space Corps., well-spoken, can stay awake during operas, knows her cheeses. She's class. And you? What are you? I don't mean to sound cruel but in comparison you're scum. And second-rate scum, at that. LISTER Yeah, but remember, I used to be fourth-rate scum - I've dragged meself up by my bootstraps, bub. <LISTER heads off and RIMMER trails behind, trying to get LISTER's attention> [-- 10 - Int. Red Dwarf crew locker area ----------------------------------] [Enter LISTER, RIMMER. LISTER steers his trolley through a tightly winding corridor, lined on both sides by rank after rank of small, iron-doored lockers] RIMMER Listy - Listy - RIMMER Your type isn't Kochanski, Listy. It's someone called 'Tiffany'. It's someone who drinks Campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties; someone who thinks Deely-boppers are funny; someone who says 'sumfink' instead of *something*, and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped to a cement mixer. <LISTER stops beside his locker, opens it, and begins to transfer his haul into it> LISTER This from a man who's had less sex than a lettuce... RIMMER Oh, har har. LISTER Rimmer, people who say 'har har' have no sense of humour, they just can't think of a witty retort. RIMMER [beat] Oh, har har. <RIMMER turns and walks away> <Enter KOCHANSKI from around a corner. She looks pensive, and approaches LISTER slowly. RIMMER spins around as she passes him and smarms up, his introduction attracting LISTER's attention, to KOCHANSKI's annoyance> RIMMER Ah, Ms Kochanski, ma'am. I don't suppose you've read my proposal for a new Space Corps. salute? It's just, I'm trying to get the support of the officers to have it replace the conventional one. I don't want to pressure you but it *is* rather important, because if you like it, that brings the overall total of officers who are right behind it up to... one. KOCHANSKI Rimmer? RIMMER Yes, ma'am? KOCHANSKI Have sex with someone and that's an order. RIMMER [embarassed] Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am. LISTER 'Ere: <LISTER digs a card out of his pocket and hands it to RIMMER> LISTER Ring this number, say I sent ya, tell 'em it's an emergency. <KOCHANSKI tries to hide a laugh> [Exit RIMMER, flustered] KOCHANSKI Hi LISTER Mmm. KOCHANSKI I just wanted to say, look, I'm sorry... for the 'Dear John'. It was cowardly. LISTER <acts as if he doesn't understand> Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely forgot. It seems like years ago. KOCHANSKI It was last week... LISTER Was it? KOCHANSKI Mm-hmm. LISTER Must've got over it - <LISTER snaps his fingers> LISTER - just like that. [Exit LISTER] KOCHANSKI <following> Oh come on, Dave! [-- 11 - Int. Red Dwarf crew locker area ----------------------------------] [LISTER present] [Enter KOCHANSKI] KOCHANSKI It's just, we weren't going anywhere! LISTER How could we? We never got out of bed. <They stop walking> KOCHANSKI Look, there's more to life than hanging out in your bunk, eating delivery curries and having fantastic sex. LISTER Frankly, I find that very hard to believe... KOCHANSKI I just wanted to see if we could be friends... LISTER Do you mean give it another go? KOCHANSKI No, no. I'm, er, back with Tim now. LISTER Tim?? That guy is such a poser! The way he always wears that white suit and that big white floppy hat... KOCHANSKI He's a chef! LISTER Yeeaahhh, but the way he always poses around, in the officers club, smoking those black cigarettes. Such a phoney. <A mewing sound is heard, and KOCHANSKI pulls open LISTER's jacket. She reaches into the inside pocket and removes a small black cat> KOCHANSKI [incredulous] Do you know what you'll get for smuggling a cat on board?? LISTER What, cat-martialed? KOCHANSKI I'm serious! As serving N.O. I'm supposed to report this! LISTER So report it, get me put into stasis for six months. KOCHANSKI Don't you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal? LISTER [sarcastically] I was lonely - I'd just been dumped by my girlfriend... KOCHANSKI It breaks every reg. in the manual... [Exit KOCHANSKI] [-- 12 - Int. Red Dwarf waste disposal area -------------------------------] [Enter KOCHANSKI. This is a dingy area of the ship decorated with gloomy paintwork, red lighting and large industrial machinery] <KOCHANSKI stops at the small door of a machine labelled Disintegrator' and opens it. She puts the cat into the unit, closes the door and taps commands into the console. Gazing at the cat as the unit begins to power up, KOCHANSKI relents at the the last moment, opens the door and takes out the cat> KOCHANSKI <holding the feline up to her face> Just don't get caught or I'm out cold for six months, okay?? [-- 13 - Int. Inside the Way ----------------------------------------------] [Cut back to present time. We are once more within the shimming blue linkway] [LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, P.LISTER, P.CAT, P.KRYTEN present] LISTER So you didn't get put into stasis, and died with the rest of the crew..? P.LISTER Then Holly brought me back as a hologram. LISTER So what happenned to Kochanski? P.LISTER They found the cat, and she got six months in stasis. LISTER Does that mean... [Enter KOCHANSKI. Like LISTER, she has changed somewhat since her days on board Red Dwarf. Rather than cling to the Space Corps. (like Rimmer with his uniforms) and to her Officer's status, the Parallel KOCHANSKI could be said to be dressed for action. Her dark, shoulder-length hair is arranged and fastened atop her head, and she wears a shiny, tight-fitting red catsuit] <LISTER , suddenly acutely aware of his own wardrobe, attempts to smarten himself up, tuggling at the floss dangling from his teeth before finally settling for scooping his dangling strands up into his mouth> KOCHANSKI Hi. <She looks LISTER up and down> LISTER You look great! KOCHANSKI You look pretty amazing yourself... KOCHANSKI So in this dimension you didn't die? You're an alternate version of Dave... LISTER Well, I like to think of myself as the definitive version, y'know? Honed to perfection by Time and evolution. <LISTER sucks up a loose strand of floss nonchalantly> KOCHANSKI <eying LISTER again> I can see why you think that, yeah. P.KRYTEN Sirs, er, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours before the dimensional tear self-repairs and we loose the linkway. I suggest we might spend some of that time exchanging supplies and information. P.LISTER We could update your hydrogen ram-drive to a tachyon-powered engine core? CAT And in return, maybe we could unscrew all those old pickle jars you can't open! KOCHANSKI There is *something* you could do for us... LISTER Yeah? KOCHANSKI At some point I want to have children. It's a slightly pervy thing to ask, especiually seeing as we've only just met, but perhaps you could - LISTER Yeah..? KOCHANSKI After all, we've been... y'know, lovers... Perhaps you could - LISTER Yeah?? <KOCHANSKI holds up a small double chambered bottle> KOCHANSKI Fill this up. It's a self- gamet-mixing in-vitro tube. I'm... already in there; it just needs your... contribution. LISTER So it worked out for you guys, then. <KOCHANSKI and the Parallel LISTER loop arms around each other> LISTER <bitterly> Congratulations. <Before anything further can be said, a sudden explosion rocks the flimsy Linkway, almost knocking those present off their feet. KRYTEN frantically taps commands into his Psi-scanner> KRYTEN Gelf ship! Somehow they've managed to infiltrate non-space! <A second shot fired by the Gelfs impacts upon the Linkway with an explosion that rips the base of the delicate structure apart - the ragged ends seperated by a distance of 10 feet or so, only held together by the roof of the Way. Off-balance, KOCHANSKI falls but manages to grab the strap of a box carried in by the Parallel Lister and placed on the floor of the tunnel. The Parallel LISTER dives on the box to stop KOCHANSKI dragging her support away with her, and stretches his arm down into non-space> P.LISTER Chris! Give me your hand! LISTER <to KRYTEN> Hang on to m' feet, man! <LISTER drops to the base of the Linkway and lies prone, then shuffles his body down over the lip of the tear, reaching out to the struggling KOCHANSKI> CAT <of the box's strap> It's gonna give! <Suddenly inspired, LISTER lets out his dental floss, KOCHANSKI grabs it and LISTER, wincing with the strain, hauls her up and onto the wrong' side of the Way. Just as she reaches safety, the Gelfs launch a third salvo and the tunnel begins to shake itself apart. A third explosion succeeds in ripping the Linkway in two and KOCHANSKI, catching the brunt of the explosive seperation, is rendered unconscious; Lister scoops her into his arms. The two crews are forced back into their respective ships - the link between their two dimensions lost...> [-- 14 - Int. Starbug Medi-bay --------------------------------------------] [KOCHANSKI present, unconscious on the medi-bay's bed, LISTER anxiously hovering over her. KRYTEN fires a hypo-spray into her neck them moves away to study her charts. KOCHANSKI's eyes flutter open, and she wraps her arms around LISTER and pulls him close to her] KOCHANSKI I thought I'd lost you! LISTER I think you've mistaken -- KOCHANSKI Shh! <KOCHANSKI pulls LISTER closer and kisses him. After a long moment, she lets him go> KOCHANSKI What were you saying? LISTER Forget it... <Without encouragement this time, LISTER enjoys another kiss. KRYTEN turns and takes in the scene> KRYTEN Oh dear! Er, sir, I think, er, Miss Kochanski's under the delusion that you're -- LISTER <hurriedly> Er, not now, Kryten, man. KRYTEN But you don't understand me, sir, you see Miss Kochanski thinks that you're -- LISTER I can handle it, okay! Now go and make some sweet tea or something! KRYTEN B - Permission to speak, sir? LISTER <muffled by another passionate kiss> Permission refused! <Abruptly , KOCHANSKI breaks off the kiss and pushes LISTER back. She sits up and looks around> KOCHANSKI Wait a minute... this isn't the medi-bay... LISTER I think you must have mistaken me for *your* Lister... KRYTEN Well, *that's* what I've been trying to tell you all along, sir! LISTER Were you!? KRYTEN If only you'd listened to me, I could have saved you from all that yukkiness. KOCHANSKI <disgustedly> Is that the kind of guy you are? Someone who'd take advantage of a woman who's half-insensible?? <KOCHANSKI climbs off the bed and walks unsteadily towards the door> LISTER I was gonna tell you, honestly! It's just, they always told me in school it's rude to talk with your mouth full. KOCHANSKI Wait, you mean I'm *stuck* here with you? <She grabs the pink nightie from its hook on the door and throws it at LISTER> KOCHANSKI 'Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space'?? No way! I've got to get that linkway back! <A large explosion rocks Starbug> LISTER It's not exactly possible at the moment, we're under attack. [Exit LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN] [-- 15 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [CAT present, at the helm] [Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN. They assume stations, KOCHANSKI sitting at the now empty navigaton console] CAT It's back on our tail! LISTER What is it? CAT Some Gelf battle cruiser. <A piece of paper suddenly spews forth from a printer; on it is a picture of a particularly hideous, hairy Gelf. KRYTEN tears it off and hands it to LISTER> KRYTEN They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look. LISTER Oh my god, it's the missus. KOCHANSKI The what? KRYTEN Mr Lister's Gelf bride. CAT We all went to the wedding, it was just beautiful. KOCHANSKI He married this?? CAT He had to. KOCHANSKI You mean..? <KOCHANSKI mimes a pregnant stomach> LISTER We were in a bit of a fix! We needed an engine part! KOCHANSKI You should visit the orang-utan house at London zoo sometime, your eyes'd be out on stalks! KRYTEN Wait! They're opening comms channels - <KRYTEN puts on a headset and begins to translate a communication> KRYTEN Er, sir? They're demanding you return to your bride. In Gelf law, seperation is impossible without special dispensation from hhakk-akhhaak- kkhhak, hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk. Chief Justice of hakhakhk- aahkahkh-hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak-kak-akk-hakkakak. KOCHANSKI Okay, patch me in to the NCN and I'll lay down an S-S line. CAT You'll *what*, officer B-B? KOCHANSKI Quadrant four-niner-two, stroke G eight-seven, moving across to quadrant two to Q four-one stroke nine. Just follow my co-ords. CAT Your cords? KOCHANSKI Yeah, my co-ords. CAT You want me to follow your cords?? KOCHANSKI Is that a problem? CAT Now, you're not talking about trousers, are you..? KOCHANSKI Co-ordinates... CAT Co-ordinates! Thank you! [-- 16 - Action MONTAGE ---------------------------------------------------] <The Dwarfers get their act together, and Kochanski leads them down to the surface of an ice planet where Cat begins to thread Starbug through the glaciers, the Gelf cruiser barelling along behind them> KOCHANSKI Twenty degrees starboard from this next burg... <CAT and LISTER carefully adjust course> KOCHANSI They're right on our tails. Hold this line... keep holding... <Starbug describes a shallow decline, getting closer and ever closer towards scraping the rough surface of the ice planet> KOCHANSKI *Keep* holding... lift now! <CAT and LISTER yank the dual control yoke backwards and Starbug's snub nose lifts itself, and the rest of the ship, upwards and clear of the snow- covered rocks they were heading for. The Gelf ship, with it's extra bulk and lack of manouvrability, crashes headlong into the valley floor> CAT [grudgingly] Really snazzy! <LISTER glances at CAT and waggles a hand in a so-so' gesture> [-- 17 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------------] [LISTER present, sprawled on his bed] [Enter KRYTEN. He carries a laundry basket, and his general atitude and brusque, forceful movements, show that he is obviously agitated about something] KRYTEN Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. We're fast running out of time. <KRYTEN begins removing items from the basket and ironing them> LISTER I know. It's good, isn't it! KRYTEN <shortly> No, sir. I don't believe it is. LISTER What, don't you like her? KRYTEN I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a... bossy old trollop she is! LISTER Good kisser, though. KRYTEN She knew that was you *all along*, sir! She was merely trying you out to compare you with *her* Mr Lister. Pshaw! Apparently, he's quite something. Initially a soft light hologram, that's made him 'sensitive and caring in a way most men aren't'. <LISTER gets off his bed and approaches KRYTEN> LISTER What, you mean he can remember anniversaries and stay awake for several seconds after sex? KRYTEN He's 'every woman's dream guy', sir. He even enjoys shopping for shoes! LISTER Jesus... KRYTEN A human male, who's prepared to have in-depth discussions about... KRYTEN mimes quote marks in the air with his hands> KRYTEN ..."relationships". LISTER Eurgh! KRYTEN We're talking about someone about someone 'quite exceptional' here, sir. LISTER Where does that leave me? KRYTEN Well that leaves you trying to help me get her - get her back to her rightful ship. <After trying for a moment to plump LISTER's duvet, KRYTEN bats it out of his way and sits down on the bunk> KRYTEN She can't stay here, sir. She just can't! LISTER Kryten, man, are you okay? KRYTEN I just know we're not going to be able to get rid of her! [KRYTEN's voice has dramatically changed - it's now very high pitched, like he's on the verge of bursting into tears] LISTER Why's that so terrible? KRYTEN She's gonna take you away from me, I just know it! LISTER What?? KRYTEN I took her a glass of milk while she was showering... *I've* *seen* *her* *naked*! LISTER So? KRYTEN She's got all those 'in and out' bits that you like... LISTER Kryten, no matter what happens, you and me - we're compadres; amigos. KRYTEN But that's all going to change if she stays! You'll end up liking her more! LISTER I won't. KRYTEN You will! LISTER I won't! KRYTEN You will! LISTER I won't! I won't! I *won't*! KRYTEN You promise? LISTER I promise. KRYTEN So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and said "Oh, make love to me, you horny dude", and I said, "oh, perhaps you'd prefer to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?" What would you do? LISTER [beat] What kind of sheets would they be? KRYTEN Well, those nice cotton ones with the pattern. LISTER What, blue stripey ones or the green square ones? KRYTEN The green square ones. LISTER So, it's making love to Kochanski, or folding sheets with you? [beat] Can I do final fold and stack? KRYTEN Absolutely. LISTER Well it'd be the sheets, then. KRYTEN Oh! She's standing there all naked with all the in-and-out bits going all inny and outy? LISTER It'll be the sheets, Kryt. You and me. Hospital corners. KRYTEN Really? LISTER <pulling a face> Too true. KRYTEN [beat] You're lying!! You're just trying to make me feel better! Ohh! Why can't she be more like Mr Rimmer? He was perfect! he didn't have any in-and-out bits, hardly at all. LISTER There's no one I care more about than you, okay! KRYTEN I'd never dump you like she did! Never! LISTER It's not gonna change. KRYTEN Never? LISTER Never. KRYTEN [beat] You're lying!! LISTER I'm *not* lying!! KRYTEN Yes you are! I'm gong to end up on my own again, just like I did on the Nova 5! LISTER You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you ended up on your own! All right, it was an accident, but nevertheless... KRYTEN But what about before that? It was the same on the SS Augustus. LISTER They all died of old age! KRYTEN You see!?! [-- 18 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------] [Starbug flies by a planet] [-- 19 - Int. Starbug Cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [CAT, KOCHANSKI present, at stations] [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN I thought I'd, er, lend a hand and see if I could help you get out of here. KOCHANSKI I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace but I still can't re-establish the linkway. I'm sure it's something to do with electro- magnetic phasing frequencies. CAT You took the words right out of my mouth! KRYTEN Have you tried inverting the signal? KOCHANSKI We'll need a power re-route in the auxiliary power drives. [Exit KOCHANSKI] CAT <calling to KOCHANSKI> I'll take care of that! ... Whatever it is. KRYTEN It's the, er, big red button, there, sir. <KRYTEN presses the button for CAT> [Exit KRYTEN] <CAT pulls a face and presses the button off, pauses, then serenely presses it on again> <He gets out of his seat and runs to the cockpit hatch> [-- 20 - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------] [KOCHASNKI, KRYTEN present, each seated at the scanner table and tapping on portable terminals] [Enter CAT, leaning against the cockpit hatch] CAT Hey, officer Bud-Babe, about that power simillililillum-inuminim drive? Taken care of. <CAT coolly fires her a salute and slinks back into the cockpit proper> [Exit CAT] <KRYTEN shakes his head, then he and KOCHANSKI work in awkward silence for a few moments> KOCHANSKI [pensively] You don't like me, do you? KRYTEN Ma'am? KOCHANSKI You don't, do you? KRYTEN Ma'am, I think it'd be more efficient if we spent our energies trying to re-establish the linkway. KOCHANSKI But why -- KRYTEN Please! KOCHANSKI I mean -- KRYTEN Ma'am! KOCHANSKI I need to know why! KRYTEN Do you indeed? KOCHANSKI Yes. KRYTEN Well, you're not good enough for him! That's all. Okay, he may walk around smelling like a Balti house laundry basket, but he doesn't need the likes of you swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow, and bewitching him with all your... in-and-out bits. All pointy and unnecessary! KOCHANSKI [beat] You've got big problems, you know that? KRYTEN Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk. Unlike some people. KOCHANSKI Ha! Have you seen the way *you* walk?? <KRYTEN gets up and stomps to the galley, legs flailing> KRYTEN I have a perfectly sensible walk! <He takes a psi-scanner from a wall unit> KRYTEN At least I don't walk like this: <KRYTEN performs an exaggerated female walk, his hips swinging and his arms held out delicately> <Before KOCHANSKI can retort, KRYTEN's terminal suddenly beeps> KOCHANSKI <peering at screen> Phaser frequency four-three-four - we've got it back! KRYTEN What? You're right, that's it! KOCHANSKI I can leave! KRYTEN You can leave! <They high-five, before remembering they dislike each other. Each sit down and tap concentradedly at their terminals> [-- 21 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------] [A dimensional rift in space, with the undulating blue umbilical of a Linkway] [-- 22 - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present] KRYTEN Champagne, everyone! If this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't know what does! CAT What are we celebrating exactly? <KRYTEN , standing to the side of and just behind KOCHANSKI, gestures toward her with his head and mouths She's leaving!' KOCHANSKI turns to the mech who instantly smiles warmly at her> KRYTEN You've found your crewmates at last - how wonderful! KOCHANSKI <wryly> Thanks, Kryten... KRYTEN I must go and find the others. [Exit KRYTEN, skipping happily] [-- 23 - Int. Gantry within Starbug ---------------------------------------] [LISTER present] [Enter KOCHANSKI] <LISTER holds out the small in-vitro tube> LISTER This is for you. Just pop that in the uterine simulator in your medi-lab and... bingo. KOCHANSKI Wow... LISTER Our child... KOCHANSKI I'll... you know. LISTER I know. KOCHANSKI As soon as it's old enough I'll tell it all about you - LISTER Just make it understand why I'm not there, I don't want it ending up like me. KOCHANSKI What happenned to you was really rough. The pool table, no note, no explanation... LISTER I think that's why I spent most of my early life drifting, y'know? I didn't have anything to look to cos I didn't know who I was, where I came from. Just those two names they couldn't decide on calling me; 'Rob' or 'Ross'. KOCHANSKI Well... I'll look after it. You know I will. LISTER Yeah, I know. <They move to kiss> [Enter KRYTEN, interposing himself between them to get to the gantry railing] KRYTEN Excuse me, sir; just doing a spot of dusting here... [-- 24 - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------] [Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN] KOCHANSKI Look, this is probably a long shot but if we can hit the right settings it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally. <She hands LISTER a palm-size device, similar to a portable phone> LISTER See ya... KOCHANSKI Bye. [Exit KOCHANSKI] [Enter CAT, struggling with a large box. LISTER takes one of the handles and they hold it between them] LISTER What's this? CAT Supplies from Bud-Babe's ship. LISTER No, *this* <LISTER indicates a marking on the top of a box> KRYTEN Well, it's the symbol for 'infinity', sir. The snake, eating it's own tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no beginning or end. LISTER What's it doing on 'ere? KRYTEN The crate used to contain batteries, sir. Ouroboros batteries; everlasting. LISTER Ourobo-what?? <LISTER takes the box from CAT and places it down, looking at it intently> KRYTEN Ouroboros, sir - it's the name of the symbol. <LISTER rubs his hand along the top of the box, revealing the Ouroboros Batteries" legend stencilled on it> CAT What is it, bud? LISTER Ouroboros... It wasn't 'Our Rob or Ross', it was Ouroboros..! CAT What was? LISTER The message that was written on the side of my box! CAT You came in a box? That explains everything. LISTER I know who my parents are... I know who I am... I understand, now! KRYTEN Explain, sir!? LISTER The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski's got. The frozen embryo - it's me! At some point after the baby's borm we must go back in time and leave me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms. We wrote Ouroboros on the box to explain! I'm my own father... and Chris is my ex-girlfriend and my mum! CAT You should write a letter to Playboy, bud. I bet you anything it'd get printed. LISTER I've gotta get that test tube back. [LISTER sprints out after KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN following] [-- 25 - Int. The Way ----------------------------------------------------] [P.LISTER, P.KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, P.CAT present] [Enter LISTER, running to catch up] LISTER <shouts> Mum! Wait! <The Parallel crew turn around> KOCHANSKI What? LISTER I need the in-vitro tube! It's me! [The Parallel crew are too far away to hear properly] KOCHANSKI It's what?? [Enter KRYTEN, CAT] <Without warning, sparks burst from the roof of the Linkway> KRYTEN The Gelfs are back! <Cutting out into non-space, we see a companion Gelf ship has tracked down the Dwarfers and is doing all in its power to break the trans-dimensional connection. It fires a second shot and the tortured Linkway shudders and tears apart, again stranding the unfortunate Kochanski in the wrong Dimension. This time, she isn't going to put up with it. Setting her sights on the ragged ledge of the linkway that floats temptingly just feet away, she shrugs off her jacket and unclips her heavy belt> LISTER What are you doing? KOCHANSKI I'm gonna jump! <With that, KOCHANSKI springs forward and sprints for the tear> CAT You'll never make it! LISTER Chris, no!! <KOCHANSKI takes a wild leap, fingers stretching for the lip of the linkway. Spread almost flat, she falls short by mere centimeters and plummets into the blackness of non-space> P.LISTER Christine!! KRYTEN We've lost her, sir. LISTER No. No! P.LISTER Christine!! <LISTER s communicator suddenly emits a bleep. He fumbles it out> LISTER Yeah? KOCHANSKI [Mic.] Hi, it's me. LISTER Hi - KOCHANSKI [Mic.] I've decided to stay; just, one proviso - LISTER Yeah? KOCHANSKI [Mic.] Save my life, okay? [-- 26 - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------] [Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, running to the cargo stores and tearing lids off containers as quickly as possible] LISTER <into Communicator> Cargo bay; looking now! LISTER <pulling a weapon of some kind out of a box: to KRYTEN> What's this?? KRYTEN It's mountaineering equipment from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. LISTER A crossbow? KRYTEN I thought it might come in handy next time we run into your wife. KOCHANSKI [Mic.] You've got about 20 seconds before I'm out of reach! <Behind them, CAT pulls out several lengths of rope from another box> CAT Rope? <LISTER grabs the crossbow and rope> LISTER Yes! Yes! Yes! [LISTER sprints OOV] [-- 27 - Int. The Way -----------------------------------------------------] KOCHANSKI [Mic.] I'm getting a *mite* panicky, here..! [Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN] <LISTER runs to the lip of the Way, attaches the rope to a crossbow bolt and takes careful aim through the telescopic sight. Sweat beading on his brow, his finger tenses; he knows that a stray shot will end the life of the only woman he has ever truly loved - in more ways than one. He pulls the trigger, and the bolt hurls itself into the abyss. The pile of rope uncoiles with dizzying speed as the the bolt arcs through the blackness - until it embeds itself solidly, clear through Kochanski's right thigh> KOCHANSKI Aaarg! <She gasps in agony and stares at the bolt protruding redly through both sides of her leg> KOCHANSKI Bastard! <As LISTER and CAT struggle with the rope, LISTER's communicator bleeps, and KRYTEN takes it from his pocket. KRYTEN listens, his eyes widening> KRYTEN It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you. <He holds the device up to LISTER, who cringes> [-- 28 - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] KRYTEN I've brought you a drink, but don't think for one minute it means I've gone all mushy on you. KOCHANSKI I'm gonna get up, and work out a way of re-establishing that linkway. KRYTEN It's too late ma'am, the rift's self-repaired... [His voice again becomes tearful and high-pitched] KRYTEN We're *stuck* with you! KOCHANSKI I'm gonna try, *anyway*. <KOCHANSKI slides off the bed awkwardly, and pads over to the door. Standing, KRYTEN sees that the back of her gown has got fastened in the waistband of her undershorts> KRYTEN Oh, ma'am - KOCHANSKI Yes, Kryten? <KRYTEN hestitates> KRYTEN Welcome aboard... <KOCHANSKI smiles gratefully> KOCHANSKI Thanks, Kryten. <KRYTEN turns away and grins> [-- 29 - Int. An empty pub ------------------------------------------------] [The scene is an old, circa 22nd century English pub, in the foreground is a zero-g pool table. A flash of red lighting arcs down to the floor and LISTER appears, holding a cardboard box in which is a baby, wrapped in blankets. A single word written in black marker pen adorns the side of the box, and reads: 'Ouroboros'] [A caption appears on screen and reads: "EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER"] LISTER [to baby] For a long time, you'll think that you were abandoned, but you *weren't*, man. You were put here to create a paradox, an unbreakable circle. With us going 'round and 'round in time, the human race can never beome extinct. We're like... a kind of 'holding pattern'. <LISTER reaches into the box and touches the baby's chin tenderly> LISTER I'll see ya, son. <Quietly , LISTER approaches the pool table and, bending down, gently slides the box underneath. He steps away> [--------------------------- END OF "OUROBOROS" ---------------------------] Bonus points if you noticed that there were no opening titles in this episode. Indeed, this wasn't an oversight on my part - perhaps they were pushed for time... =) [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk". Thanks.]