Pete, part 1 - Script v0.4

{RED DWARF Clearing House}

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-99

Pete, part 1
Updated @ 6Apr99

With quite unsettling rapidity, the script for Pete, part 1 appeared!

This is version 0.4 of the script, and is in progress. All dialogue complete and attributed, with scene seperations marked. Usual stuff to follow.

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

Raz, DTLK, 1996-99 7Apr99

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 6 -- PETE, part 1 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.4 26 March, 1999 Raz / Credits for corrections: Brett Dunbar [-- 1 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- 2 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- 3 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, GOVENOR ACKERMAN present] [ENTER LISTER, RIMMER] HOLLISTER I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected officer yesterday. RIMMER That is just not true, sir. We played a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir - Oh, I *see*... HOLLISTER What happenned? LISTER We inserted a capsule of the truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his asthma inhaler, sir. HOLLISTER Ah, which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for being late, saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy' with the Science Officer's wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit... RIMMER Permission to snigger, sir? HOLLISTER Permission refused. RIMMER May have to snigger anyway, sir... [The pair bow their heads and proceed to do just that] HOLLISTER Do either of you have anything to say? LISTER About what, sir? HOLLISTER About Mister Ackerman! About him being late, and wearing a Batman outfit? LISTER Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change'd be much quicker. HOLLISTER You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig. Do you *want* to get out? Ever? LISTER It's that Mister Ackerman's so... ... *horrible*, sir. ACKERMAN I am *not*, sir! I'm extremely nice! Lovely, in fact. Warm; caring, but most of all, nice. Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman. That's why I entered the service, sir; so I could share my sunny disposition with *inmate scum* who didn't have my start in life. RIMMER Sir, he's been horrible since the day we first met him: [-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [Flashback to the Dwarfer's first day in the Tank. The inmates are lined up at the base of a circular chamber] ACKERMAN Today, we have a new intake. To them, I say: obey the rules; keep out of trouble, and you time here will pass much more pleasantly. Welcome to Floor 13. CAT Seems like a nice guy! [ACKERMAN steps up to CAT, suddenly elbows him in the stomach, thumps him several times with his nightstick, then hauls him to his to his feet] ACKERMAN If you want to speak, ask my permission. CAT I was just saying how nice you seemed! ACKERMAN You spoke again. [Enter WARDEN KNOT] [ACKERMAN and KNOT proceed to beat CAT with fists and nightsticks, drawing winces from RIMMER and LISTER. ACKERMAN draws CAT upright again] CAT But I was paying you a compliment, buddy! I was saying how you seemed to be a fair-minded, okay kind of guy; not one of these psycho-types you sometimes get running around prisons. [ACKERMAN seems concerned that somehow he is being misunderstood, but this soon passes in favour of an amused smile] ACKERMAN You spoke again! [He and KNOT lay into the clueless feline once more. A guard from the rear of the lines joins in. CAT struggles to reach up and tap LISTER on the shoulder] CAT Come on, dude, back me up! [LISTER does his best to ignore events, and left to his own devices, CAT suddenly realises something] CAT Hang on, wait! I get it, I should shut up! If I shut up they'll stop hitting me. [CAT takes a deep breath and exaggeratedly clamps his mouth shut. Instantly his assailants stop their blows. ACKERMAN nods approvingly, sets CAT back onto his feet and stands him back in line. CAT smiles with satisfaction at working out this conundrum] CAT That is definitely the key! [CAT is grabbed from behind by ACKERMAN, KNOT and the guard, and a second GUARD steps in to assist in the renewed pummeling] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [HOLLISTER, ACKERMAN, RIMMER, LISTER present] ACKERMAN That is totally untrue, sir! HOLLISTER Save it. ACKERMAN What actually happenned - HOLLISTER Save it! Save it, Mister Ackerman. I've thought long and hard about a suitable punishment, and I've come up with this: you, and a team of your choice, will play Basketball against a team of guards led by Mister Ackerman - ACKERMAN God bless you, sir. HOLLISTER - where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate population. RIMMER But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp! HOLLISTER You better win, then! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] [Lister's team losing badly, guards body-checking and punching them] [Half-time sounds] [Score 48-3 to guards] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Okay guys, way to go! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN Where were you? KOCHANSKI Where was I? KRYTEN You were supposed to be picking up Rice! KOCHANSKI I did. We're meeting up for drinks on Thursday. KRYTEN Not that kind of 'picking up', you ninny. CAT Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing, we can't lose this! LISTER Got it all taken care of... RIMMER As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice... LISTER Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles something out of the medi-lab for us, y'know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their love lives? KRYTEN 'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!? LISTER That's the stuff, and we've Mickey Finn'd their drinks. RIMMER Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation, and, it doesn't wear off for seven hours. KRYTEN For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN [OOS] That's going to seriously slow them down. CAT [OOS] You're not kidding - [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] CAT Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Get out there and kill! They're lambs to the slaughter! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Go on, go get 'em! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Dwarfer's team running rings round guards, who can't stand straight or move fast] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Come on! Get your hands up! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [48-5] [48-19] [48-36] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Get your hands up, don't let them shoot! Don't let them shoot! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [48-42] [48-49] [48-53] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Thoroughly depressed, HOLLISTER takes a long draw from a guard's bottle of juice, and within seconds notices a distinct feeling of movement in his trousers] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present] [Enter RIMMER, LISTER] HOLLISTER Seven hours. Do you know how *long* that is? I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a lift! Where'd you get it, the medi-lab? LISTER Yes, sir. HOLLISTER How? If it was one of those damn Skutters I'm gonna have it crushed. LISTER It was, er - [coughs] It was me, sir. When the doc's back was turned. I went up to the medi-lab for a sicknote but the doctor thought I was feigning illness. He didn't accept it was possible to have Athelete's Hand. HOLLISTER First thing tomorrow you're on spud-duty for two weeks. Now get out of my sight, both of ya's... [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] [RIMMER has a draughts board in front of him on the table; he makes a three- hop move, removes the captured pieces and glances over toward LISTER] RIMMER Ha! [RIMMER carefully rotates the board 108-degrees, and flexes his arms before settling down to contemplate his opposing move. LISTER is sprawled out on his bunk, a pen hovering over the book he is looking at] LISTER Sheesh... RIMMER Stuck? LISTER Yeah... God, this is hard! RIMMER What are you doing, a crossword? LISTER No, join-the-dots. RIMMER What number are you stuck on? LISTER Hundred and twenty-four. RIMMER Hundred and twenty-four... hundred and twenty-four... Have you tried a-hundred and twenty-five? LISTER I know the number, you gimboid, it's finding it that's the hard bit. I'm not some brain-dead simpleton. Ah! There it is. Oh, look at that! It's a bucket and spade! [LISTER holds the completed picture up for RIMMER's inspection] LISTER Look at that, it's clever that, innit? [Enter GUARD] RIMMER Ah! Supper! [Exit GUARD] RIMMER Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure. RIMMER I've seen things more appetising on the floor of elephant houses. Only a total idiot would eat this. [RIMMER ponders for a moment, then takes a forkful] RIMMER They call this meat?? My grandmothers buttocks deep-fried in chip fat would taste better than this. LISTER We're on a punishment menu now. No chips, no ice-cream, just the basics. RIMMER Because we're on punishment detail? LISTER Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments that have gone wrong, with some gravy slopped over to disguise it. RIMMER You waited until I was swallowing 'til you said that, didn't you. LISTER He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it. RIMMER Course he didn't. They can't do that, it's illegal. LISTER His starter sneezed! Jimbo Steele was a witness. RIMMER Kill Crazy's insane, he's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons, every time they flush a loo on a plane it drops straight out, and that's why they don't let you go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway: for fear of skid starts. [LISTER thinks about this, and shrugs] LISTER He's probably right. RIMMER Course he isn't. LISTER Well why else wouldn't they let you go, then? RIMMER I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey. If they let you go to the loo first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your cheese. LISTER Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses under the flightpath are always so cheap. RIMMER Cos of all the flushing planes? LISTER Yeah, well, think about it: you can't sunbathe, you can't have a barbecue, and every time you go out you've got to wear a washable hat and leg it to your car. RIMMER It's the noise. That's why houses under the flightpath are so cheap; because of the noise. LISTER The noise? RIMMER Yeah. LISTER They're half a mile up. You'd never be able to hear people on the loo from that distance. Not unless they were like my Uncle Dan. RIMMER Not eating? LISTER Yeah, yeah. In a minute. [quiet taps are heard] [Lister opens a roof panel, and a Skutter leans in holding a foil covered container. Lister takes it, opens it and breathes deeply] LISTER Ooohhhh, chicken vindaloo... Nice one, Bob. [The Skutter disappears, then pops down again holding a six-pack of lager] LISTER What about the poppadums, you didn't forget them, did ya? [The Skutter passes down a brown paper bag] LISTER Ha haaa! Poppadums... LISTER Here's a little something for you... [He sprays the Skutter liberally with WD40] LISTER Same time tomorrow! [Skutter disappears and Lister closes the roof panel] LISTER Cheers. RIMMER Is that the Skutter who got you the stiffening solution for the basketball game? LISTER Yeah, he can get anything, can Bob. 'A claw in every pie'. RIMMER Tomorrow we're on spud-duty, and those knives are supposed to be as sharp as a Chemistry teacher's cardigan. Do you reckon he can get us a couple of good potato peelers? LISTER Hang on, I'm on to something here... Forget the potato peelers, what we want is one of those programmable viruses from the science block... RIMMER Programmable what? LISTER Yeah, they used to be on... Z-deck... I wonder if the nano's have reconstructed *them*? You can program them to do whatever you want: eat potato skins, you name it. RIMMER So we could program them to eat the skins off the potatos, and leave the rest intact? LISTER We wouldn't have to lift a finger! RIMMER Two weeks of hell would become 'potato paradise'! LISTER I'll get on the blower to Bob's missus, she'll take a message for us. RIMMER Bob has a missus? LISTER Yeah, Madge. She's amazing; nought to sixty in under ten minutes. [LISTER begins tapping a complex message on a pipe] [taps come back, and a long 'dialogue' takes place] LISTER Damn. RIMMER Can't he help us? LISTER No, wrong number. I got the Chinese laundry. Do you need anything ironing? [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] "Destination: S.S. Manny Celeste Mission: Locate missing Canary battalion, radio contact lost at 4:53am" [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT] KRYTEN Now remember, two entire battalions went missing from this ship. Vanished without trace. We must stick together - [Exit CAT, KOCHANSKI] KRYTEN - and remain constantly vigilant. One minute, everything's fine, then you lose concentration for a split second, and you're all alone and easy pickings for some hostile lifeform. Oh, I know you think I'm a bit of a fusspot when it comes to safety procedures, but it's staying alert that has kept us all - kept us - Hello? Oh Creator, I'm on my own... [Enter CAT] CAT Hey, buddy! We're in here! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [KOCHANSKI present] [Enter KRYTEN, CAT] KRYTEN What is the point of me giving my 'stay alert, everyone' pep-talk if no one is listening? CAT What? KOCHANSKI Look at this. [At the other side of the room are five male members of the Canaries. All of them stand perfectly still, like a peculiar Madame Tussauds exhibit] [KOCHANSKI taps her watch and activates HOLLY, who takes residence on a wall monitor] KOCHANSKI What are they, Holl? HOLLY They look uncannily like something you should be very, very afraid of. CAT What? [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLY Mime artists. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLY The ones you get in those trendy town centres, that chase you down the street, and then freeze when you look at them, and everyone laughs at you. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN I've never seen anything like this before. A group of men who display all the normal lifesigns, but seem totally incapable of movement. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLY Never seen QPR play away, then? [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [KOCHANSKI plucks a small device from the hand of one the men] KOCHANSKI 'Tempus'; that's Latin for 'time'. CAT Latin? I didn't even know the Romans built spaceships. KRYTEN Somehow this device appears to have caused Time to freeze. Obviously, they used it erroneously. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [KRYTEN presses something on the device, and blue arcs of apparant electrcity arc outwards from it and play over the five Canaries, almost instantaneously they flash back into motion] CANARY Where did - [The men freeze solid again. An awkward pause ensues, until:] CANARY - you come from? And how did - - you get hold of that? It's some kind of tem- -poral stor- -age unit - KRYTEN Extraordinary! CAT Hey, this could be a great device for settling arguments! CANARY Don't mess - - with that thing, it can re- -lly screw - -ew-ew-ew - - you up! KRYTEN It appears to be able to digitise Time, and then download it and store it on a hard drive. This 'purer' Time can then be uploaded into objects, or places. KOCHANSKI To freeze people? KRYTEN Er, technically they're not frozen, ma'am, merely operating in a different 'Time stream'. KOCHANSKI So you mean they're moving, just incredibly slowly? [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLY About the same speed as the average Little Chef waitress. That's why they don't appear to be actually doing anything. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KOCHANSKI So, this device has the ability to make Time come to a complete stop? What else can it do? [KRYTEN zaps KOHANSKI and CAT, who both instantly turn into younger versions of themselves. They appear to be aged about six years old] KOCHANSKI What's happenned!? Kryten, why are you so big, and why do I suddenly feel like a Vimto??[word?] CAT Waahhhh! You gotta get me back to normal! KOCHANSKI Do something! I can't go back like this! KRYTEN Why not? You may only be three feet tall but you're both as cute as buttons! [KRYTEN zaps both of back to their normal age, but CAT now sports an enormous afro, and KOCHANSKI's hair falls lank and straight from a centre-parting down almost to her waist] KOCHANSKI Eeuuur! What's happenned to my hair!? CAT And what's happenned to mine! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLY You look like the Turkish entry in the Eurovision song contest. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest of you. Compensating: [A third zap, and KOCHANSKI suddenly finds herself wearing skin-tight, multi-coloured hipsters, a sequinned boob-tube and red stillettos. CAT is also dressed in similar disco-wear, including a fearsome tanktop and startling white boots] KRYTEN Now its regressed your outfits to a previous time in your lives! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLY And you *still* look like the Turkish entry in the Eurovision song contest. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [KRYTEN finally succeeds in restoring the pair to normal] KOCHANSKI So, here's the question: can you unfreeze these guys but take them back in Time so they have no memory of finding this? KRYTEN I think so, ma'am. Why? KOCHANSKI If we can smuggle this back on Red Dwarf, it can make our prison terms pass in seconds! KRYTEN Leave this to me. I have an excellent place to conceal it. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] [They return to Red Dwarf and check in through security. KRYTEN has managed to somehow enlarge his metal skull, heightening it enough to hold the device inside] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [A Skutter, whistling the theme tune to the classic war flick 'The Great Escape', passes LISTER and RIMMER in a corridor. LISTER stealthily snatches a small container from its claw as they pass] LISTER Nice - one - Bob... [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Standing before the potato mountain, LISTER sprinkles their pre-programmed virus liberally over the foot of the pile while RIMMER looks on. Exhausting his supply, the pair stand back and wait. And wait] RIMMER It's not working, is it? LISTER Give it a bit of time to get going. RIMMER Look... look! It's working on this one... LISTER Yess! RIMMER And here's another! LISTER Yess! RIMMER And another! LISTER Yesss! RIMMER And *another*! Fan-smegging-tastic! Listy, we're on our way! They're gonna do the whole damn room in minutes! LISTER Hey, what's happenned to your sleeve, man? RIMMER What? [The right sleeve of RIMMER's coveralls seems to have been ripped away at the elbow] LISTER Your sleeve; I didn't notice that before..? RIMMER My God, they're eating my clothes! [LISTER laughs uproariously as RIMMER slaps at his clothes madly, which are disintegrating before his eyes by the second. Pulling his cap off in order to better slap away the virus, half of his hair comes off with it, and even the cap has more than half vanished before he gets in more than a few slaps with it. Still enjoying the spectacle, LISTER suddenly notices that his own sleeve has dissolved, as well as much of his trousers and a part of his right boot. It doesn't take long before both of them are completely starkers and quite, quite bald] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Well? RIMMER It wasn't me, sir, it was him. He made me do it. LISTER You Judas! I thought we'd agreed to refuse to talk? RIMMER Just let me blame you first, then I'll refuse to talk. HOLLISTER If I ever - *ever* - see you in this office again, then you're in the Hole, is that what you want? RIMMER, LISTER No, sir. HOLLISTER Well then, get out. [Gestures towards the door] RIMMER Thank you, sir. Thank you. [Misunderstanding the CAPTAIN's gesture, RIMMER shakes his outstretched hand sincerely. The pair of them grab papers from the CAPTAIN's desks in order to cover themselves, then suddenly stare at the CAPTAIN with worried expressions. One of HOLLISTER's sleeves has disappeared... The CAPTAIN sees their faces and rests his head in his hand resignedly] HOLLISTER You haven't been down to the medi-bay to get this virus off, have you... RIMMER I probably shouldn't have shaken your hand, sir. That was probably a mistake. LISTER Big mistake, sir. RIMMER I, um - we'll... We'll be going, sir. LISTER Right now. HOLLISTER That's it! Two months! In the Hole! LISTER Sir? What about my Athelete's Hand? HOLLISTER Now! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [The Canaries are standing in line before a food dispenser. Each prisoner presses a hand to a scanner and then taps a meal code into the system in order to receive their rations] KRYTEN Straight after lunch, we zap the ship with a two year download of Time, and the records will show that we've served our sentences, and are free to be released! KOCHANSKI This machine's amazing! D'you think it can do boob jobs, too? Obviously, I'm just thinking about the future... [A fracas is occurring just ahead of KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI, up at the dispensing hatch. CAT, in entering his hand-print, has apparantly knocked against the man in front of him. The burly prisoner pushes CAT up against the machinery and looks none too pleased] BAXTER You spilled my soup! [The man passes his full tray to another prisoner] CAT Sorry, Baxter! Non-bud! It was an accident! [Spinning CAT around, BAXTER shoves him head first through the dispensing hatch, before addressing the voice-recognition unit] BAXTER Hot Bovril! CAT Aaaagghhh! [Dragging out the bedraggled moggy, BAXTER grabs CAT's hand, bends over his fingers until the middle digit is clearly extended, and uses CAT's finger to re-enter the meal code into the dispenser. A fresh tray appears in the hatch, which BAXTER steals, before taking back his own tray, growling at CAT, and stomping away] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI and CAT sit together at a table in the refectory. Across the room, BAXTER is seated with several of his cronies. The big man is ripping into a chicken leg from one of the trays] KRYTEN Look at him... the big lug. I'd hate to clean the bath out after *him*. He'd need a sander to get rid of the tidemark, and a leaf-vac to hoover the hair! CAT Fix him! Fix him with the Time wand! KRYTEN Watch this! [KRYTEN zaps BAXTER's dinner tray, turning the man's cooked chicken into something alive and clucking. Startled, BAXTER sweeps the chicken off the table, turning to glare at his pals who are laughing loudly. He elbows the man beside him in the face, then jumps to his feet, looking for a culprit. Oblivious, CAT cackles heartily, until he turns around and sees BAXTER glaring at him. The burly man makes a dive at CAT, but KRYTEN hurriedly bangs instructions into the newly-christened 'Time Wand', and zaps BAXTER, freezing him in mid-air. KRYTEN them freezes BAXTER's two remaining conscious friends, and the three of them make good their escape] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] [Enter LISTER, RIMMER] BIRDMAN [OOS] 'Ello! LISTER Ehh? There's someone in here with us! [Enter BIRDMAN] [BIRDMAN is a wiry, grey-haired Welshman, who holds a small bird lovingly in his hand] BIRDMAN Yeah, it's that bloke sittin' next to you. LISTER Who are you? What's *your* name? BIRDMAN They call me 'Birdman'. LISTER Oh aye? Why's that? RIMMER Because he really likes instant custard; why do you *think*? BIRDMAN This is Pete; 'E's nine years old... which, in sparrow years, is, er... nine years old. So that makes him, er... RIMMER Nine..? BIRDMAN Nine, that's right! You met him before, 'ave you? RIMMER Two months of this, God! [A circle of burning metal forms on the ground] LISTER What's this? [The circular section of floor drops away and a Skutter pops up through the hole, whistling the theme to The Great Escape] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Several crewmembers stand stock-still. A pingpong game was obviously in progress, too. Two crewmen are hunched over the table, and the ball hangs motionless and unsupported in the air just in front of one of the players] [Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN] [BIRDMAN has found a cage for PETE, and carries it with him] RIMMER What happenned to everyone? LISTER It's like they're all frozen on the spot. RIMMER Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her. LISTER Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy! [LISTER plucks the pingpong ball from mid-air, tosses it up in the air and catches it then pockets it] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT present] [Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN] KOCHANSKI Hey! LISTER Guys! KOCHANSKI Heyy. KRYTEN Oh, sirs! CAT Buddies! RIMMER This, is 'Birdman'. BIRDMAN And this is Pete. KOCHANSKI We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets of it, and we reckon it can make our sentence pass in a *nanosecond*! KRYTEN Hats off, sirs... [RIMMER and LISTER awkwardly remove their caps, and KRYTEN zaps them both with the Time Wand, restoring their haircuts to their previous state] BIRDMAN There's somethin' wrong with Pete... LISTER What? BIRDMAN 'E's gone all stiff! RIMMER He must have drunk the guards' half-time juice. LISTER Not that kind of stiff; he's dead! BIRDMAN The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im! LISTER He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going. KRYTEN I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him back to life; make him young and strong again. Watch: [KRYTEN taps instructions into the Time Wand, then zaps Pete's cage. There's is a huge explosion - the bird disappears, and Birdman is sent sprawling, losing his glasses in the process. As Birdman scrabbles around on the floor, and the Dwarfers stand over the smoking remains of the cage, there is a resounding boom as a gargantuan, scaly foot slams down onto the deck] LISTER Holy... RIMMER Smeg! [Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyranosaurus Rex towers above the amazed humans, who begin backpeddling almost unconsciously] LISTER Where the *hell* did Barney's ugly brother come from?? KRYTEN From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years! CAT There's an old Cat saying, which has particular relevance here; it goes something like this: "we are all gonna die!" [Still without his glasses, Birdman suddenly finds a large, bird's foot-like object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete's smooth central claw] BIRDMAN Pete? Is that you, Pete? KOCHANSKI Birdman! [Finding his glasses at last, Birdman realises there are some serious problems of scale going on. He looks up, and up, and up. Pete stares back, pauses, then sneezes messily in Birdman's direction] RIMMER Gezundtheit! BIRDMAN You want some seed..? [Pete roars, and the Dwarfers wince as the T-Rex leans down, jaws wide] BIRDMAN That's a 'no' then, is it? KRYTEN What now, sir? RIMMER Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur! "TO BE CONTINUED..." [------------------------- END OF "PETE, part 1" -------------------xx:xx--] [CAST REFERENCE] RIMMER LISTER CAT Chris Barrie Craig Charles Danny John-Jules KRYTEN KOCHANSKI HOLLY Robert Llewellyn Chloe Annett Norman Lovett CAPTAIN [HOLLISTER] [GOVERNOR] ACKERMAN [CANARY] MEX Mac McDonald Graham McTavish Andrew Alston YOUNG KOCHANSKI YOUNG CAT BAXTER Holly Earl Perri Michael Ricky Grover BIRDMAN WARDEN KNOT Ian Masters Shend [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "" Thanks.]