Pete, part 2 - Script v0.3
{MATRIX CITY}

{RED DWARF Clearing House}

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-99


Pete, part 2
New @ 6Apr99

The Time stream returns to normal as Pete, part 2 finally appears!

This is version 0.3 of the script, and is in progress. All dialogue complete and attributed, with scene seperations marked. Usual stuff to follow.

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]


Raz, DTLK, 1996-99 7Mar99

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 7 -- PETE, part 2 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.3 5 - 6 April, 1999 Raz / raz@matrixcity.org http://www.matrixcity.org [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] "Last time on Red Dwarf" [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Several crewmembers stand stock-still. A pingpong game was obviously in progress, too. Two crewmen are hunched over the table, and the ball hangs motionless and unsupported in the air just in front of one of the players] [Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN] [BIRDMAN has found a cage for PETE, and carries it with him] RIMMER What happenned to everyone? LISTER It's like they're all frozen on the spot. RIMMER Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her. LISTER Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy! [LISTER plucks the pingpong ball from mid-air, tosses it up in the air and catches it then pockets it] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KOCHANSKI We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets of it [...] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest of you. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] CAT [...] It was an accident! [Spinning CAT around, BAXTER shoves him head first through the dispensing hatch, before addressing the voice-recognition unit] BAXTER Hot Bovril! CAT Aaaagghhh! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] CAT [...] Fix him with the Time wand! KRYTEN Watch this! [KRYTEN zaps BAXTER's dinner tray, turning the man's cooked chicken into something alive and clucking. Startled, BAXTER sweeps the chicken off the table, turning to glare at his pals who are laughing loudly. He elbows the man beside him in the face] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] BIRDMAN And this is Pete. [...] BIRDMAN The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im! LISTER He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going. KRYTEN I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him back to life; make him young and strong again. Watch: [KRYTEN taps instructions into the Time Wand, then zaps Pete's cage. There's is a huge explosion - the bird disappears, and Birdman is sent sprawling, losing his glasses in the process. As Birdman scrabbles around on the floor, and the Dwarfers stand over the smoking remains of the cage, there is a resounding boom as a gargantuan, scaly foot slams down onto the deck] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyranosaurus Rex towers above the amazed humans, who begin backpeddling almost unconsciously] LISTER Where the *hell* did Barney's ugly brother come from?? KRYTEN From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years! [...] [Still without his glasses, Birdman suddenly finds a large, bird's foot-like object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete's smooth central claw] BIRDMAN [...] Is that you, Pete? KOCHANSKI Birdman! [Pete eats BIRDMAN] KRYTEN What now, sir? RIMMER Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here! Bob! Bob, catch! [KRYTEN throws the TIme Wand to the SKUTTER, who catches it in its claw] LISTER Bob! [Pete, towing over the Skutter, leans down and swallows the robot whole] KRYTEN Bob! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] LISTER Come on Kryten, hurry up! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Inside Pete, BOB the SKUTTER breaks the surface of a vat of stomach acids, waggling his empty claw momentarily, BOB lowers himself into the depths once more] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [LISTER holds open the large food bay doors long enough for KRYTEN to dash through, then seals them closed. Pete bashes his head against them, and they buckle as if made of rubber] KRYTEN Leg it mode, sir! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] LISTER We've lost the time wand. CAT How the hell're we going to get rid of that thing now? RIMMER We're finished! LISTER Stop yelling, man, we've gotta think our way out of this. RIMMER We're finished! LISTER Shut up and get a grip, man! RIMMER I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just - I was - Look, I'm better now. Can I just say one thing? LISTER Yeah, go on. RIMMER We're finished! LISTER Holl, we need some advice, man. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in it's stomach. What's your take on the situation? HOLLY What do you want, the long or the short version? LISTER Ooh... long. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLY You're finished. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] CAT What's the short version?? [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLY 'Bye. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KOCHANSKI Kryten? KRYTEN Er, yes, ma'am? KOCHANSKI How long, in the normal course of things, will it take for Pete to pass the Time Wand out of his system? KRYTEN Well, strangely enough, ma'am, I don't have that information in my database. My programmers, for some insane reason, decided that 'dinosaur bowel movement frequency' tables wouldn't be required. Imbeciles! LISTER Why? What's your suggestion? KOCHANSKI Well, the quicker we get the Time Wand back, the better, right? LISTER Right. KOCHANSKI Right. So, why don't we lure Pete into the food bay and get him to eat some roughage! CAT Get a T-Rex to eat roughage? KOCHANSKI Yeah! All-Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast, that sort of stuff. RIMMER We can't even get Lister to eat that sort of stuff, let alone a seven-ton dinosaur! KOCHANSKI Look, the more roughage, the quicker we get the Time Wand back. Have you got any better ideas? RIMMER Yes, I have got a better idea, actually. I'm going to kill myself. LISTER We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead. RIMMER Keep him quiet? He's rampaging about the food decks making more noise than two yodelling champions on honeymoon! Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now. KRYTEN But, sir, the crew are frozen, operating on a different Time stream. Now, if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before the freeze expires, no one need be any the wiser. CAT He's right. I just listened to everthing he said and I still ain't got a clue what's happenning. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [SKUTTER catches buttons on the Time Wand and unfreezes the crew] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [CAT is at the controls of a JMC fork-lift truck, and KRYTEN shouts directions. The Dwarfers have converted a huge, bright yellow, inflatable dinghy into a temporary food bowl - a large 'D I N O' has been scrawled on the side, and the thing is full to the brim with hideous brown watery substance] KRYTEN Right over, sir. We don't want a gap. Right over. [CAT throws a lever, and the fork-lift lowers a frozen whole cow slowly into the mixture] RIMMER Cow vindaloo? It's not gonna work. LISTER Of course it's gonna work. RIMMER T-Rex's don't like curry. LISTER They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries. If a T-Rex was a bloke he'd be a Geordie. The kind of guy who wears t-shirts in the middle of winter and his nipples don't even get hard. RIMMER A seven-ton Theropod is not going to eat Indian food. They like flesh. Preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side-order of intestines, and an extra portion of blood. A bit like the French in that respect. LISTER Look, we've got nothing to lose. And if the worst comes to the worst, and the dino doesn't it, I'll scoff it myself. [Pete suddenly breaks a foot through the bottom of the once-sealed doors] LISTER That door's not gonna hold out much longer. RIMMER If only that damn T-Rex felt like I do now; he wouldn't even *need* a curry. [CAT and KRYTEN are pouring bags of bran into the jerry-rigged food bowl] LISTER Don't put that stuff in, you're gonna spoil the taste! KOCHANSKI Here he comes! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Pete takes an experimental sniff at the contents of the bowl, then begins slurping noisily] LISTER It's loving it! Maybe we should have made some poppadums, gone the whole hog? CAT The whole hog? Like it wasn't hard enough getting the whole cow? [Pete raises his head high and shakes it] LISTER I think he wants a lager. [Pete abruptly stops moving, then lowers his head slowly. Suddenly, his eyes bug out, his nostrils flare and lets out a piercing screech] LISTER It was a hot one, but with it being a dino I thought it could stand it! [Yowling piteously, Pete stomps back and forth looking for relief. Finally he smashes through an iron wall and disappears from view] [Enter GUARDS] KRYTEN The Time freeze on the guards must have... If only those buttons were more clearly marked! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] HOLLISTER The rules about dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear. No pets. Am I right? Am I right!? RIMMER, LISTER Yes, sir. HOLLISTER Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused? RIMMER, LISTER No, sir. HOLLISTER It has eaten our entire supply - two and a half tons - of mint-choc ice cream. I *love* mint-choc ice cream, and that damn dino has eaten every last bit. RIMMER We were just trying to get the Time Wand back, sir. HOLLISTER It has also eaten four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and drank all the Coca-Cola. Guess what? RIMMER You love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola, sir? HOLLISTER I love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola. LISTER Sir, if you could just let us - HOLLISTER And do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, and then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and swills the whole thing down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink? Do you know what happens? LISTER It burps? HOLLISTER Oh, it burps. And do you know what happenned to the poor brave men who had the misfortune to get in the way of that burp? RIMMER They went 'phwoooarrr!'? HOLLISTER It took out the entire platoon, hurling them twenty feet across the cargo bay wall. RIMMER Sir, I hope this one, small dinosaur incident won't tarnish an otherwise flawless service record, sir. HOLLISTER Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and swills it all down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink, *after* it's burped? RIMMER It feels sick? HOLLISTER Oh no! It doesn't *feel* sick, Rimmer - it *is* sick! Five of our best men nearly drowned! Two others are in hospital, concussed by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks. LISTER We are really, deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir. HOLLISTER Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo, then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by - LISTER Oh god, it didn't? HOLLISTER It didn't what, Lister? LISTER It didn't get a diarrhea attack, did it? HOLLISTER One hundred percent correct! And, do you know what happenned to the battalion that was sneaking up on the beast - from behind - of which I was a proud member? Do ya know? Do ya know what happenned? RIMMER Got a fair idea, sir. LISTER Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir. HOLLISTER A tidal wave. Fifteen feet high. I will be in therapy for the rest of my life. I've had twelve baths, and three showers. Now, do you have *anything* to say? RIMMER Yes, sir, I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir. [HOLLISTER picks up the Time Wand from his desk] HOLLISTER No one knows how to work this thing. It is sedated in the cargo bay - turn it back into a sparrow! LISTER Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up? HOLLISTER Who the hell do you think landed on my head? He is in repairs, being oiled. Bring back the sparrow, and, if you try anything smart, you're dead. RIMMER, LISTER Yes, sir. HOLLISTER And, if I ever, ever, *ever*, see you in this office again, you are finished. See ya in ten minutes? [LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand] HOLLISTER See ya in ten minutes? [LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand] HOLLISTER See ya in ten minutes? [LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand] HOLLISTER See ya in ten minutes? [LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand] HOLLISTER See ya in ten minutes? [LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand] HOLLISTER See ya in ten minutes? [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KOCHANSKI Did you get punishment duty too? KRYTEN I've got to iron eight-hundred prison smocks. I don't understand... KOCHANSKI Ohh... KRYTEN Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward? Eight-hundred! Bliss! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] LISTER Did you see the Captain's report? The one lying open on his desk? See what it said about you? He used the word 'imbecile' four times in one sentence. RIMMER Oh yeah? What were the other words in the sentence? LISTER Just your name, and a dash. RIMMER I don't know, you make a couple of tiny mistakes - you give the Captain a virus that eats all his hair off, then you accidentally turn a sparrow into a dinosaur and you never hear the last of it! Pssshhhhh. He really thinks I'm an imbecile? I'm finished, I'm never going to make it into High Command now. LISTER It's just the people who know you who think you're an imbecile. Everyone else thinks you're a moron. [Enter HOLLISTER] [RIMMER, facing away from the door, does not realise. LISTER spots him, and begins dropping meaningful glances in the man's direction] LISTER He is a good Captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he, eh? On the ball. Quick. [LISTER surreptitiously points over RIMMER's shoulder, but RIMMER isn't looking at him] RIMMER Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar. LISTER You do admire him though, don't you? RIMMER Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his quarters? A man who has a walk-in fridge? Who lists as his hobbies 'chewing' and 'swallowing'? LISTER You did tell me once before, though, you do respect *him*, don't ya? LISTER Respect him? A man who's family crest is made up of two cream buns and a profitarole? A man who's idea of a light snack -- He's standing behind me, isn't he? HOLLISTER Yes, he is. [RIMMER leaps to his feet and stands to attention] RIMMER I was just talking about you, sir. I was saying what a big fat lump of blubber I think you are, and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday doesn't appear to have had any strange side-effects whatsoever - [RIMMER suddenly appears to be seized by a spasm. His head tosses wildly and he makes unintelligable sounds as his lips and cheeks flap. HOLLISTER watches and waits, unimpressed] HOLLISTER You forgot this. You left it in my office. D'you have any idea the damage that this could cause if it got into the wrong hands? LOOK AFTER IT! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] [KOCHANSKI is crouched over on her floor, staring under her bunk and poking a broom into the dark corners beneath] KOCHANSKI You're there, I *know* you're there, you little sod! Come on, out! Out! [Enter KRYTEN] KOCHANSKI There's a mouse under here, its been scuttling around for about ten minutes. KRYTEN It's not a mouse, ma'am, it's Archie. KOCHANSKI Archie? KRYTEN My penis. It must have escaped. KOCHANSKI You know, I'm really going to have to get my ears syringed; do you know what that sounded like to me? KRYTEN I made one. KOCHANSKI Forget my ears, maybe my whole *brain* needs syringing... You made one? KRYTEN Mmm. Out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper. KOCHANSKI Kryten, why do you want one? KRYTEN It's so humiliating, being posted to the Women's Wing just because I'm genitally challenged! So I decided to make one like Mister Lister's. Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop and made a break for it during the night. KOCHANSKI No wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese. This whole thing's making sense now. KRYTEN Just leave this to me, ma'am. Here, Archie! Here, boy! KOCHANSKI There he is! [A small, gibbering critter suddenly hurls itself out and across the floor, tears around the room like a miniature whirlwind and shoots back under the bunk, where KRYTEN traps it under a bucket. Undeterred, the gibbering thing nudges the bucket out from under the bunk, lurches around for a moment, then whizzes out of the cell door and down a corridor] KOCHANSKI Kryten, do you realise what this means? KRYTEN No, ma'am. KOCHANSKI It means you're a real man. KRYTEN It does? Why? KOCHANSKI Because now, like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis. KRYTEN I'm so proud! Archie, come back! [Enter GUARD] GUARD All right, girls? New Canary mission. KOCHANSKI What? GUARD Un-tamed dino on the loose! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KOCHANSKI We're not going in 'till we know what we're doing. RIMMER That could take years... [KOCHANSKI spots LISTER toying with the Time Wand] KOCHANSKI You... point that thing at yourself and you could end up as a - a - sperm! Is that what you want? CAT Hell no! None of my suits will fit! KILL CRAZY Well, if that gizmo thing don't work, Captain says we gotta go in and 'ave that thing. BAXTER And we ain't usin' no guns. KILL CRAZY Yeah, huns are for wusses. It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat. [KILL CRAZY performs a few amateur martial arts moves] RIMMER A fistfight with T-Rex..? KILL CRAZY Yeah, but them T-Rexes, mate... only got little arms, in't they... ain't got no reach... Yeah, I'll just pick it off... Bosh! [KILL CRAZY enthusiastically punches the air a few times] BAXTER Can't reach anyfin' with them little arms. RIMMER That's probably why they're always a bit grumpy... [RIMMER mimes trying to reach down his body with a T-Rex's small forearms] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [The Dwarfers, with their Canary troop, scramble along a corridor] [Suddenly, CAT pulls up short, shock and terror on his face] CAT Oh my god..! KOCHANSKI What! CAT Something's wrong! LISTER What d'you mean, man?? CAT Something's inside me and it wants to get out! KOCHANSKI Oh my god! CAT Aaaarrggg! Help!! [Tearing his clothes open, CAT sinks to the ground and falls onto his back. sure enough, a strange, gibbering thing is wiggling around under CAT's shirt] RIMMER What is it?? KRYTEN I think it's Archie, sir. LISTER It's who? KOCHANSKI He escaped earlier - probably followed us. Must have dozed off in the Cat's pocket and just woken up. LISTER Who the smeg is Archie? KRYTEN Oh, don't be alarmed, sir. It's just my penis is on the loose. [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KILL CRAZY, BAXTER Yaaarrrggg!! [The crazed pair leap out from the wall of the corridor, separating RIMMER and LISTER from the others, and squaring off with them] BAXTER We, want a barny with Barney - don't want any sane people spoilin' it... KILL CRAZY Death... or glory... yee-harr! LISTER Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute... [BAXTER grabs the TIme Wand from Lister, and grunts ineffectually as he stabs buttons stupidly on its control panel. Sparks and spurts of blue electrical light splash over RIMMER and LISTER, apparently without effect] BAXTER This thing's useless! [BAXTER tosses the Time Wand over his shoulder. BAXTER grabs LISTER's face and pulls him close to his own. KILL CRAZY similarly grabs RIMMER] BAXTER Say goodbye to your teeth... [BAXTER draws his fist back and punches LISTER solidly in the mouth, but then grabs his hand, wincing in pain as LISTER doesn't move. He punches again, with as little effect as his first] LISTER Something's not right... we're gettin' our butts kicked and it doesn't hurt..? [BAXTER lands a third punch on LISTER's mouth, still with no effect] LISTER See, look, I'm not even bleeding. [KILL CRAZY tries his luck, landing a fist first in RIMMER's gut, then across his mouth. RIMMER looks at him disdainfully] RIMMER You're right... [BAXTER tries a change of tactics, grabs LISTER by his lapels and tries pushing him backwards. After a few seconds gasping, he gives up. KILL CRAZY tries the same on RIMMER, also to no avail. Simultaneously, the two psychos land a stomach punch then a cross to the jaws of LISTER and RIMMER, then stare incredulously as the pair grin back at them] [KRYTEN is checking the Time Wand's control panel] KRYTEN According to this, sirs, they've put your bodies on a different Time stream to the rest of you. BAXTER Let's go! [KILL CRAZY and BAXTER turn and sprint away, passing KRYTEN and snatching the Time Wand from his hands as they pass. Several other Canaries follow them] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] HOLLISTER You lost the Time Wand? LISTER We were ambushed, sir. HOLLISTER By whom? LISTER Well, first of all by Kryten's - RIMMER Harummph! LISTER - and then we were jumped by - RIMMER Harummph!! LISTER - sir. HOLLISTER That's it? Okay. No more 'Mister Nice Guy', no more second chances. You get that Time Wand back, you get that sparrow back, and if you step out of line one more time - *one more time* - you're dead! Do you understand? [Suddenly, RIMMER and LISTER appear to pucker their lips out exaggeratedly, but both look shocked. Just as the expressions disappear, two thumping sounds issue from LISTER's general location and he goes reeling backwards, smashing through a wall display of technical drawings. Slowly, he picks himself back up and peers through the hole he just made] LISTER What was that?? RIMMER I th-- [Whatever RIMMER thinks is temporarily lost as he suddenly doubles over, a solid thump issuing from his midriff, then is knocked backwards off his feet to the accompaniment of another bone-jarring crack. CAPTAIN HOLLISTER looks around, amazed, as LISTER is twice sent flying through the air in front of him] HOLLISTER What the hell is going on?? [The pair pick themselves up painfully] RIMMER The effects of the fight, they've caught up with us! [RIMMER and LISTER suddenly lurch forward on to the CAPTAIN's desk, their squashed faces inches from HOLLISTER's] HOLLISTER Get out of here, both of you! Out! [Thrust back from the table, the pair barely have time to take breath, before it is knocked out of them, and both take a punch that pushes them out of the CAPTAIN's office, down the corridor, and finally slams them up against the metal wall at the far end] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] LISTER Gettin' that Time Wand back could take forever, and they could zap us with it, and turn us into anything! RIMMER I don't think getting it back is gonna be much of a problem... [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [A short distance away, two large gorillas, dressed in tight-fitting Canary outfits are crouched on the deck, playing with the light beam from a torch. The Time Wand lies forgotten on the deck a few feet away, and a large pole eases towards it from out of short, and slides it carefully away from the two gorillas] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Pete the T-Rex is laid out on his back, snoring soundly] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] RIMMER It's gonna go wrong, isn't it. LISTER Look, all I've gotta do is press 'undo', and the Time Wand will retrace its steps, and undo everything its done so far. This way we'll even get Birdman back. RIMMER Something's gonna go wrong, it always does for us. LISTER Will you relax? [LISTER works the controls on the Time Wand and blue crackling light plays over the deck momentarily. A pair of boots, filled with what looks suspiciously like the remains of two feet, appear as the light clears] LISTER Birdman's boots. Now to get the rest of him back. [LISTER again manipulates the control pad, and a second crackle of light leaves behind a complete and living BIRDMAN] BIRDMAN Pete ate me. He ate me. He must be really out of sorts, he's never eaten me before; never. [LISTER works the controls a final time, and huge burst of crackling light cascades over Pete's dinosaur form. In an instant, the massive bulk of the T-Rex vanishes, leaving behind a tiny little sparrow that flutters, tweeting, to BIRDMAN] BIRDMAN Pete! You want some seed? RIMMER Now, destroy the Time Wand. LISTER This machine's priceless! RIMMER Destroy it! [LISTER drops the Wand and stomps on it, mashing it to pieces] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Passing along a corridor, LISTER, RIMMER and BIRDMAN are distracted by a somewhat large object that seems different to the surrounding metalwork of Red Dwarf. Something roughly oval-shaped, off white in colour, with subtle striped markings. The thing wobbles slightly as they watch, and a sound exactly like the cracking of an eggshell can be heard] LISTER What are we gonna do now? RIMMER Now... rebuild... the Time Wand, it's absolutely priceless! [LISTER and RIMMER sprint off, BIRDMAN tagging behind, and thereby miss a beautiful moment as the youngling pokes its prehensile tail out of the breaking eggshell. The trio return moments later, LISTER and RIMMER each clutching a bundle of tangled wires and snapped circuit boards, and manfully attempt to jam the pieces back together. After several painful seconds, during which a pair of chubby feet thrust out from the egg, they throw their pieces to the deck in disgust. As they watch, the little dinosaur, manages to get its feet under it, and waddles rapidly down a corridor, eggshell and all] RIMMER Stop that dinosaur! LISTER It's gone in the lift, its gone in the lift! RIMMER Get it back, get it back! Get it back... [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [CAPTAIN HOLLISTER is laid on a bed, receiving a massage] HOLLISTER Ooh, that coconut milk felt great... [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Having recalled the elevator, LISTER and RIMMER dive into the car, weapons drawn, but all that remains is an empty egg shell [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Oh, I'm such a wreck... [Exit MASSEUSE] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [The baby T-Rex rises up beside the CAPTAIN, who lies face down on the bed] HOLLISTER Mmmm... ooohhhh... aahhh, oh, that's great. The baby runs its tongue along HOLLISTER's back HOLLISTER Ohh, there's a certain roughness about your touch that really hits the spot! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER and LISTER enter the CAPTAIN's office, and see HOLLISTER staring at them silently. He holds up a white card, on which is written:] "I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder." [HOLLISTER puts down the card and holds up a second:] "I may never speak again." [After a short pause, HOLLISTER selects a new card:] "The Hole. Twelve months." [RIMMER and LISTER turn to leave, but HOLLISTER raps on his desk angrily, holding up another card:] "Where the hell are you going?" RIMMER The Hole, sir... [HOLLISTER whips another card from his desk, which reads:] "You're not going to the Hole - _I_am_" [RIMMER and LISTER exchange an uncertain glance, and HOLLISTER, grinning worryingly, holds up his final card:] "See you in twelve months." [------------------------- END OF "PETE, part 2" -------------------xx:xx--] [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@matrixcity.org" Thanks.]