Scumbag's Website - Phil Lewis

Now Living in Wokingham (Finchampstead actually), Berks.

Working in Windsor for an American software company www.convera.com, as International Technical Director. Not married, but got 3 cars a motorbike and two houses which is more than enough to keep me busy for the week.

Took Computer Studies at Trent Poly. Recently hooked up with Dave Dalton a long lost buddy. Spent many a happy year at Rapid Recall, Metrologie. Was in the technical department working on companies such as LittleTykes, where we used to get cheap toys.

Since leaving school, I have become a dynamic figure, often seen body surfing and ripping telephone directories. I have been known to remodel bus stops on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Afgahn refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time extremely efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a matchstick and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by Man United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large futuristic suspension bridges in my garden.

I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after dance class, I repair electrical appliances free of charge for the needy. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the competitions. Last summer, I toured Swansea with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I type 400 words per minute. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for GCHQ. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in the bath. While on hols in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small ice-cream stand. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in Birmingham, cliff-diving competitions in Dover, and a spelling competition at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet perfectly, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis ... twice.

Apart from that Phil Lewis is still a fairly normal guy.