are a poet.
Yes, you are, you are, you are.
You are a poet.
But deep in your
heart, you know that, don't you?
You have a soul. You
have emotions. You have the need to express yourself
at length while other people pay attention to you.
But you're put off,
aren't you, by that poetry "in-crowd"? The
types who use words like pentameter,
and irony and line-breaks
- as if such things mattered.
You need Carvosso's
self-esteem. Become a recognised poet. Success
For only $500 you
will learn :
to become a genuine poet, without having to
have read all those old-fashioned poems they
try and make you study on Eng. Lit. courses.
to spread a small thought over a lot of paper
by making your lines really short and your
poem really thin.
to become original and modern by copying
dodges developed by Ezra Pound nearly a
to join an Internet poetry group where people
will praise your poems so long as you praise
theirs (And if you follow our simple tips,
you'll be able to do this without even
reading their garbage!)
to express the full pain of being a woman -
even if you're a man!
Enrolment on our
online course gives full (priceless!) access to the
complete files of Dr Carvosso's famous Poetry FAQ.
Some free samples:
I wish to become a nature poet, but I am not very
good at animals. I cannot remember which wildflower
is which, and I get birds totally confused. Last week
I thought I saw a kingfisher, but it turned out to be
a duck. What can I do?
Please remember that in poetry all the best animals
are symbolic. As Shelley told his skylark: "Bird
thou never wert". Do you think Ted Hughes's Crow
ever wert, either? Not likely, kid.
Take control. Never mind the actual characteristics
of the bird. Go to the public library, look up names
of birds. Choose one. Let's say it's Bluetit. Say
very firmly:"Bluetit, you're going to be a
symbol." Then start alliterating. Blissful,
Blameless, Bleeding, Blighted, Blackened, Bloated,
Blinded... If there isn't a poem in that lot, I'm a
Dear Dr Carvosso,
I am just beginning a graduate course in creative
writing, and being a woman I wish to specialise in
writing scathingly about the despicable behaviour of
men. But I feel deeply that experience is the
foundation of all good writing, and unfortunately no
man has so far behaved despicably towards me. What do
you suggest I should do?
Dr Carvosso replies:
I feel for you in your situation, and my suggestion
is as follows. Arrange for your college newspaper to
print, in a prominent position, a poem of yours
describing your breasts. Make sure that you include
comparisons with several types of soft fruit. With
any luck this will provoke enough in the way of
despicable reactions to keep you in material for at
least three semesters.