99 reasons why beer is better than women

1. You can enjoy a beer all month. *

2. Beer stains wash out. *

3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. *

4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car. *

5. When beer goes flat you toss it out. *

6. Beer is never late. *

7. hangovers eventually go away. *

8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. *

9. Beer labels come off without a fight. *

10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. *

11. Beer never has a headache. *

12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime. *

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. *

14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head. *

15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty. *

16. A beer always goes down gently. *

17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies. *

18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer. *

19. A beer is always wet. *

20. Beer doesn't demand equality. *

21. A beer doesn't care when you come. *

22. You can have a beer in public. *

23. A frigid beer is a good beer. *

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. *

25. Beer always comes in multiples of six. *

26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. *

27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer. *

28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. *

29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. *

30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another. *

31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. *

32. Beer looks the same in the morning. *

33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month. *

34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in. *

35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids. *

36. Beer doesn't get cramps. *

37. Beer doesn't have a mother. *

38. Beer doesn't have morals. *

39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. *

40. Beer always listens and never argues. *

41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year. *

42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. *

43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet. *

44. Beer doesn't demand legality. *

45. Beer is never overweight. *

46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony. *

47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards. *

48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer. *

49. Beer doesn't need much closet space. *

50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things. *

51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive. *

52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch. *

53. Beer never changes its mind. *

54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get. *

55. Beer never asks you to change the station. *

56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping. *

57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass. *

58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie. *

59. Beer is always easy to pick up. *

60. Big, fat beers are nice to have. *

61. Beer doesn't pout or play games. *

62. Beer NEVER says no. *

63. Beer is easy to get into. *

64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere. *

65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers. *

66. Beer doesn't wear a bra. *

67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty. *

68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity. *

69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper. *

70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. *

71. Beer doesn't blow you off. *

72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. *

73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. *

74. Beer doesn't mind football season. *

75. A beer won't make you go to church. *

76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. *

77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. *

78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose". *

79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around. *

80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute". *

81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while. *

82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig *

83. A beer will never make you see its parents *

84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shit heads. *

85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up. *

86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy. *

87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt. *

88. A beer won't smoke in your car. *

89. A beer never watch's opera. *

90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission. *

91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature. *

92. A beer is always ready to leave on time. *

93. A beer never fishes for compliments. *

94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits. *

95. Beer tastes good. *

96. A beer will never accuse you of rape. *

97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching *

98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. *

99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.

~

DOGS & WOMEN - A Case Study

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for

directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be

hunted.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can

shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point

across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet,

desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a

day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have "hip" problems.

Neither understand football.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you

say.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both put too much value on kissing.

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

Women leave the room to fart.

Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting.

~

Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman

Symbol : Wo

Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer : Adam

Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower

concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to

seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties :

1) Surface usually covered with painted film.

2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

3) Melts if given special treatment.

4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!

5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :

1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.

2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.

4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in

alcohol to a certain point.

5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.

6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :

1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.

3) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.

4) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :

1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.

2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :

1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when

handling.

2) Illegal to possess more than one.

~

FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE

5. NO ONE BUT THEIR CREATOR UNDERSTANDS THEIR INTERNAL LOGIC

4. EVEN YOUR SMALLEST MISTAKES ARE IMMEDIATELY COMMITTED TO MEMORY FOR FUTURE REFERENCE

3. NATIVE LANGUAGE USED TO COMMUNICATE WITH OTHER COMPUTERS IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE

2. "BAD COMMAND OR FILENAME" ABOUT AS INFORMATIVE AS "IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHY I'M MAD AT YOU, THEN I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO TELL YOU."

1. AS SOON AS YOU COMMIT TO ONE, YOU FIND FIND YOURSELF SPENDING HALF YOUR PAYCHECK ON ACCESSORIES FOR IT.