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Q: What would happen if
the earth spun 30 times faster than it
does now?
A: Every day would be payday and all
the women in the world would bleed to
death.
~
Q: Why shouldn't we make fun of
handicapped people?
A: Because if it weren't for them, we
wouldn't be able to find such neat parking
places.
~
Poland's Worst Air Disaster
Associated Press (January 30, 1999)
Poland's worst air disaster occurred today
when a small two-seater Cessna plane
crashed into a cemetery early this
afternoon in central Poland. Polish search
and rescue workers have recovered 326
bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the
evening...
~
Q. What do you call someone in the Clinton
White House who is
honest, ethical, intelligent, law
abiding and truthful?
A. A tourist.
~
Q. Did you hear about the man who fell
into an upholstery machine?
A. He's fully recovered.
~
Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body
~
Q: Did you hear about the new Japanese
camera?
A: It's so fast it can catch a woman
with her mouth closed.
~
A couple of drinking buddies, who are
airplane mechanics, are in the
hanger at Logan Airport in Boston. It's
fogged in and they have nothing
to do. One of them says to the other,
"Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear
you can drink jet fuel, and that
it will kind a give you a buzz." So
they drink it, get smashed and have a
great time; like only drinkin' buddies
can do. The following morning, one of
them gets up and is surprised he feels
good, in fact, he feels great- NO
hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy.
The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!"
And the buddy says, "I feel great too!!
You don't have a hangover?"
And he says, "No-that jet fuel is great
stuff-no hangover-we ought to
do this more often." "Yeah, we could,
but there's just one thing....."
"What's that?" "Did you fart yet?"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"
~
What Am I?
I am a common object enjoyed by both
sexes, normally
about 8 inches long, with little hairs
on one end,
and a hole on the other. For most of
the day I am laying down,
but I am ready for instant action. When
in use, I move
back and forth and in 'n' out a warm,
moist hole.
When the work is finally done, a white,
slushy, sticky mush
is left behind, and I return to my
original position.
Cleaning is usually done after I am.
What am I?
Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush!
What were you thinking? You naughty
person!
~
What's the difference between roast beef
and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
~
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see you're mother-in-law
backing off a cliff
in your new car.
~
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the
dog.
~
Just after I got married, I was invited
out for a night with
"the boys."
I told the misses that I would be home by
midnight... promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the
grog was going down easy,
and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I
went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo
clock started, and cuckooed
3 times. Quickly I realised she'd
probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of
myself, having the quick
wittiness-even when smashed-to escape a
possible conflict.
Next morning the misses asked me what time
I got in and I told her
12 o'clock.
Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new
cuckoo clock. When I asked her
why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3
times, said 'dang it,'
cuckooed another 4 times, farted,
cuckooed another 3 times,
cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice
and giggled."
~
A kindergarten class had a homework
assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the
class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd
found,
the first little boy called upon walked
up to the front of the class,
and with a piece of chalk, made a Small
white dot on the blackboard,
then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what
it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said,
"but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy,
"but this morning my sister was missing
one,
Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy
fainted,
and the man next door shot himself."
~
There were two blondes going to California
for the summer,
they are about two hours into the
flight and the pilot gets on the
intercom and says we just lost an
engine but it is all right we have
three more but it will take us an hour
longer.
A half hour later he gets on the intercom
again and says we just lost
another engine but its all right we
have two more it will take us
another half hour though.
One of the blondes says "If we lose the
two last engines
we will be up here all day"
~
Things To Ponder...
Light travels faster than sound. This is
why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by
LAPD Bomb Squad:
"If you see me running, try to keep
up."
Don't you think it's unnerving that
doctors call what they do
"Practice"?
You have the right to remain silent
anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Did you ever notice that Evian bottled
water is Naive spelled backwards?
Think about it...
The grass may actually be greener on the
other side of the fence,
but it still has to be mowed!
~
I'LL HIT YOU...
I'll hit you so hard by the time you
come down, you'll need a passport and
a plane ticket back!
I'll hit you so hard you 'll have to
take off your shoes to shit!
I'll hit you so hard you'll have to
unzip your pants to say hi!
I'll hit you so hard your kids will be
born dizzy!
I'll hit you so hard your wife will
fall!
~
INSULTS
I'm looking forward to the pleasure of
your company since I haven't had it
yet.
When you pass away and people ask me
what the cause of your death was, I'll
say your stupidity.
Well I'll see you in my dreams - if I
eat too much.
I've had many cases of love that were
just infatuation, but this hate I
feel for you is the real thing.
You're the best at all you do - and all
you do is make people hate you.
Don't you realize that there are enough
people to hate in the world already
without your working so hard to give us
another?
The thing that terrifies me the most is
that someone might hate me as much
as I loathe you.
When you get run over by a car it
shouldn't be listed under accidents.
All of your ancestors must number in
the millions; its hard to believe that
many people are to blame for producing
you.
Ever since I saw you in your family
tree I've wanted to cut it down.
I hear that when you were a child your
mother wanted to hire someone to
take care of you but the Mafia wanted
too much.
I hear that when your mother first saw
you she decided to leave you on the
front steps of a police station while
she turned herself in.
You were born because your mother
didn't believe in abortion; now she
believes in infanticide.
No one should be punished for accident
of birth but you look too much like
a wreck not to be.
Yours was an unnatural birth; you came
from a human being.
You were the answer to a prayer. Your
parents prayed that the world would
be made to suffer and here you came
along.
You're a habit I'd like to kick; with
both feet.
I hear the only place you're ever
invited is outside.
I would like the pleasure of your
company but it only gives me displeasure.
You've never been outspoken; no one has
ever been able to.
At your speed you'd better not stop
your mouth too fast or your teeth will
fly through your cranium.
If you ever tax your brain, don't
charge more than a penny.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling
---- in your skull?
You have nothing to fear from my baser
instincts; its my finer ones that
tell me to kill you.
It's your life --- but I wish you'd let
us have it.
I don't consider you a vulture. I
consider you something a vulture would
eat.
I think you should live for the moment.
But after that I doubt I'll think
so.
Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
I believe in respect for the dead; in
fact I could only respect you if you
WERE dead.
I admire your because I've never had
the courage it takes to be a liar, a
thief and a cheat.
You're acquitting yourself in such a
way that no jury ever would.
You have a face only a mother could
love - and she hates it!
You never strike out blindly; you fail
in the light.
~
Answering Machine Messages
Hi! John's answering machine is broken.
This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll
stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new
answering machine is in the
shop for repairs, so please leave your
message when the toast is
done... (Cachunk!)
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her
answering machine just eloped
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking
her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your
message, just hold it up to the
phone.
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you
wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on
your touch tone phone now. If you wish
to speak to Lynn, push 2 on
your touch tone phone now. If you have
a wrong number, push 3 on your
touch tone phone now. All of this
button pushing doesn't do anything,
but it is a good way to work off anger,
and it makes us feel like we
have a big time phone system.
This is not an answering machine -- this
is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the
tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where
I can reach you, and I'll think
about returning your call.
(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God
speaking...
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God
speaking. If you leave your
name, number, and prayer after the
tone, I will call you back as soon
as I can. Please note that I answer all
prayers, but sometimes the
answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and
have a nice day.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth
Sense Detective Agency. We know
how you are and what you want, so at
the sound of the tone, please hang
up.
I can't come to the phone now because I
have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd
appreciate it if you could
help me out by leaving my name and
telling me something about myself.
Thanks.
I can't come to the phone right now
because I'm down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of twenty
dollar bills. If you need any
money, or if you just want to check out
my handiwork, please leave your
name, number, and how much cash you
need after the tone. If you're
from the Department of the Treasury,
please ignore this message.
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.
Please leave your name and
number, and after I've doctored the
tape, your message will implicate
you in a federal crime and be brought
to the attention of the FBI.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has
connected your line to a
channeler in the 23rd century. Any
message you leave will be broadcast
into the future.
This is you-know who. We are
you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what
you-know-when.
You have reached 234-1243. This is an
answering machine. This is the
nineties. You know what to do.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is
full of sand, not your
regular loose sand mind you, but
compacted sand, and there were like, I
dunno, bugs or something jumping up and
down on the compacted sand?
Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
These words are lovely dark and deep But
I've got promises to keep and
miles to go before I sleep So leave a
message at the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a
message at the beep. If I die
before I wake, Remember to erase the
tape.
~
Fun For Teachers
50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the
First Day of Class
1. Wear a hood with one eye hole.
Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2. After confirming everyone's names on
the roll, thank the class for attending
"Advanced Astro-dynamics 690" and mention
that yesterday was the last day to drop.
3. After turning on the overhead
projector, clutch your chest and scream
"MY PACEMAKER!"
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a
monocle and carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer
and then suddenly point to a student and
scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6. Deliver your lecture through a hand
puppet. If a student asks you a question
directly, say in a high-pitched voice,
"The Professor can't hear you, you'll have
to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
7. If someone asks a question, walk
silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU
like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smarty-pants?"
8. Pick out random students, ask them
questions, and time their responses with a
stop watch. Record their times in your
grade book while muttering "tusk, tusk".
9. Ask students to call you "Tinker
bell" or "Surfing' Bird".
10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a
moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.
11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12. Show a video on medieval torture
implements to your calculus class. Giggle
throughout it.
13. Announce "you'll need this", and
write the suicide prevention hot line
number on the board.
14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak
only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
15. Start the lecture by dancing and
lip-syncing to James Brown's Best Hits.
16. Ask occasional questions, but
mutter "as if you gibbering simps would
know" and move on before anyone can
answer.
17. Ask the class to read Jenkins
through Johnson of the local phone book by
the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there
will be a quiz.
18. Have one of your graduate students
sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you
pace back and forth.
19. Address students as "worm".
20. Announce to students that their
entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply
that this could happen at any moment.
21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of
crickets chirping, and begin singing
spirituals.
22. Ask for a volunteer for a
demonstration. Ask them to fill out a
waiver as you put on a lead apron and
light a blowtorch.
23. Point the overhead projector at the
class. Demand each student's name, rank,
and serial number.
24. Begin class by smashing the neck
off a bottle of vodka, and announce that
the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
25. Have a band waiting in the corner
of the room. When anyone asks a question,
have the band start playing and sing an
Elvis song.
26. Every so often, freeze in mid
sentence and stare off into space for
several minutes. After a long, awkward
silence, resume your sentence and proceed
normally.
27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and
strange gloves. When someone asks a
question, turn in their direction and make
throttling motions with your hands.
28. Mention in passing that you're
wearing rubber underwear.
29. Growl constantly and address
students as "matey".
30. Devote your math lecture to free
verse about your favorite numbers and ask
students to "sit back and groove".
31. Announce that last year's students
have almost finished their class projects.
32. Inform your English class that they
need to know Fortran and code all their
essays. Deliver a lecture on output format
statements.
33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell
the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and
is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a
question, walk over to the dog and ask it,
"What'll be, McGee?"
34. Wear a feather boa and ask students
to call you "Snuggles".
35. Tell your math students that they
must do all their work in a base 11 number
system. Use a complicated symbol you've
named after yourself in place of the
number 10 and threaten to fail students
who don't use it.
36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat,
cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.
37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and
announce that it will be the teaching
assistant for the semester. Assign it an
office and office hours.
38. Have a grad student in a black
beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
39. Sprint from the room in a panic if
you hear sirens outside.
40. Give an opening monologue. Take two
minute "commercial breaks" every ten
minutes.
41. Tell students that you'll fail them
if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
42. Announce that you need to deliver
two lectures that day, and deliver them in
rapid-fire auctioneer style.
43. Pass out dental floss to students
and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
44. Announce that the entire 32-volume
Encyclopedia Britannica will be required
reading for your class. Assign a report on
Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for
next class.
45. Ask students to list their favorite
show tunes on a sign up sheet. Criticize
their choices and make notes in your grade
book.
46. Sneeze on students in the front row
and wipe your nose on your tie.
47. Warn students that they should
bring a sack lunch to exams.
48. Refer frequently to students who
died while taking your class.
49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated
clean suit. Advise students to keep their
distance for their own safety and mutter
something about "that bug I picked up in
the field".
50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in
half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU
PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
~
CAR ACRONYMS
AUDI - Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
BUICK - Big, Ugly, Import Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Constantly Having Every
Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy
Engineering Techniques
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle
On Long Extended Trips
CHEVY - Charged HEaVilY
CHEVY - Cheapest Heap Envisioned Yet
CHEVY NOVAS:- (are actually designed by
Toyota: Chevota or Toyolet?)
DATSUN - Disgraceful Auto That Stalls
UNceasingly
DODGE - Driven Only During Grey
Evenings
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drips Gas Everywhere
FIAT - Fails In Attempted Turns
FIAT - Fix It Again Tony
FIAT - Fine Italian Automotive
Technology
FORD - Fought Off Recall Demands
FORD - Found On Road Dead
FORD LTD - Found on road dying, Left to
die.
FORD - F___er Only Runs Downhill
FORD - Fix Or Repair Daily
FORD - First On Race Day
FORD - First On Rust Development
FORD - Fork Over Repair Dough
FORD - Founded On Reservation Dump
GEO - Good Engineering Overlooked
GMC - Get More Chicks
GMC - Garage Mechanic's Companion
JEEP - Junk Engineered Executed Poorly
LTD - Laughable Trash Dump
MAZDA - My! Another Zany Detroit
Assassin!
OLDS - Old Ladies Driving Slowly
OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Drive Slow -
Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie
PINTO - Paid Inspector Nicely To
Overlook
PLYMOUTH - Police Laugh, Young Men
Ogle, all Underestimating This Heap
PONTIAC - Penniless Old Nicaraguan
Thinks It's a Cadillac
PONTIAC - Poor Old Nick Thinks It's A
Cadillac
PONTIAC - Pours Out Noxious Toxins In
American Cities
PORSCHE - Proof Only Rich Suckers Can
Have Everything
SAAB - Sad Attempt At Beauty
SAAB - Sorry Auto, Always Broken
SUBARU - Screwed up beyond all repair
usually.
TRIUMPH - This Really Is Unreliable
Man, Please Help!
TRIUMPH - Tried Repairing It Until My
Parts Hurt!
TRIUMPH - The Risk In Useless Machinery
Pays Heavily
TOYOTA - Toyauto
TOYOTA - Towed Often, Yearly
Overrunning Triple A
~
World's Best Chatup Lines
1. That shirt looks very becoming on
you....of course if I were on you I'd be
coming too.
2. If I said you had a nice body, would
you hold it against me...Please??!!
3. If I could rearrange the alphabet,
I'd put U and I together.
4. Are your legs tired? Because you've
been running through my mind all day.
5. Is your father a thief? Because he
stole the stars from the skies and put
them in your eyes!
6. Are you from Tennessee? Because
you're the only ten I see!
7. That dress looks nice....Of course,
it'd look even better crumpled up in the
corner of my room.
8. Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's
a long way from here.
9. Pardon me, is there a mirror in your
pocket? Because I keep seeing myself in
your pants.
10. Hey baby, wanna sit on my lap and
we'll talk about the first thing that pops
up!?
11. Would you like to have breakfast
tomorrow? Should I nudge you or call you?
12. (Check female's shirt tag)....Just
as I thought, made in heaven!
13. Were your parents Greek gods?
Because it takes two gods to make a
goddess.
14. Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost
my phone number, could I borrow yours?
15. Nice to meet you, I'm (your name)
and you are...gorgeous!
16. Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I
call you Sandy? Really, what time?
17. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you
sure have tied my heart in a knot.
18. Have you seen (any movie)? Would
you like to?
19. My face is leaving in 10 minutes...
are you gonna be on it or not?
20. Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't
your name Gretchen?
21. Do you have any Italian in you?
Would you like some?
22. If I gave you a sexy negligee,
would there be anything in it for me?
23. I'm new in town, could I get
directions to your place?
24. Miss, if you've lost your
virginity, could I have the box it came
in?
25. Hi, the voices in my head told me
to come talk to you!
26. Do you sleep on your front? Do you
mind if I do?
27. If you and I were squirrels, could
I bust a nut in your hole?
28. Do you know the essential
difference between sex and conversation?
No, huh...So you want to go somewhere and
talk?
29. That's a nice shirt...could I talk
you out of it?
30. (Female at the copy machine)
Reproducing, eh? Mind if I help?
31. That dress looks great on you...as
a matter of fact, so would I.
32. Hey baby, you want to see something
swell?
33. Hi, I'm conducting a feel test to
see how many women here have pierced
nipples....
34. Are you religious? Cause I'm the
answer to all your prayers!
35. I love every bone in your
body...especially mine.
36. (With hands on shoulders) Oh, those
are shoulder blades, I thought they were
wings.
37. Pardon me, are you in heat?!
38. Are you O.K.? Because heaven's a
long fall from here.
39. You know, I never was to good at
math...like if I put you and I together,
I'd get 69.
40. You have pretty eyeballs. Of course
they'd be better if they were eyeing my
pretty balls.
41. You know the more I drink, the
prettier you get!
42. Can I borrow a quarter? Cause my
mom told me to call home when I met the
girl of my dreams.
43. Was it love at first sight, or
should I walk by again?
44. You're good at math right? Is 69 a
perfect square?
45. Was your father a farmer? Because
you sure have grown some nice melons!
46. Your face or mine?
47. Hey, here's the word for the day:
legs. Whatdya say we go upstairs and
spread the word?!
48. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must
be heaven!
49. Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your
legs around my head and wear you like a
feed bag!
50. Hey Baby! I'd like to use your
thighs as earmuffs.
51. Is there an airport nearby or is
that just my heart taking off?
52. Make a calling card that
says.....Smile if you want to sleep with
me! Then watch your victim try to hold
back her smile.
53. Hi, my name's (_____), how do you
like me so far?
54. Why don't you sit on my lap and
we'll get things straight between the two
of us.
55. Hey baby! Wanna go get some pizza
and screw? What you don't like pizza?
56. She: (to passing man) Do you have
the time? Him: Do you have the energy?
57. Bond. James Bond.
58. You know, I'd really love to screw
your brains out, but it appears someone
has already beat me to it.
59. You look like the type of girl who
has heard every line in the book. So,
what's one more?
60. Her: What do you think of this
(dress, sweater, blouse, etc.) Him: I like
nothing better.
61. Walk up to a lady at a social
gathering (party, club, etc.) and simply
ask, "are you ready to go home now?
62. You know, I'd give you a piece of
my mind, but I've got more of something
else.
63. At the dinner table, if you eat
together, pick up the bread and ask, "Wanna
roll?"
64. You know, you've got the prettiest
teeth I've ever dreamed of coming across.
65. That's a really nice smile you've
got, shame that's not all you are
wearing.
66. Think you can dance in those shoes?
67. OK, you can stand next to me as
long as you don't talk about the heat.
68. Ask girl if she likes jewelry. Then
grab your nuts and say, "Then suck this,
it's a gem!"
69. You're 'No Parking' right? Just
trying to guess your sign.
70. Why don't you surprise your
room-mate/parents and not go home tonight?
71. Good looking waitress pouring a
drink: Say when! Guy: As soon as I finish
this drink.
72. Lie down. I think I love you.
73. What's a nice girl like you doing
with a face like that?
74. I can sense that you're a terrific
lover, and it intimidates me a little.
75. If I weren't so romantic, I'd shoot
you.
76. My lenses turn dark in the sunshine
of your love.
77. My friend and I have a bet that you
won't take off you blouse in a public
place.
78. Can you believe that just a few
hours ago we'd never even been to bed
together?
79. I know a great way to burn off the
calories from that pastry you just ate.
80. Was your father a mechanic? Then
how did you get such a finely tuned body?
81. Have you ever kissed a rabbit
between the ears? (Pull your pockets
inside out....) Would you like to?
82. You know I really am James Bond's
body double.
83. Stand back, I'm a doctor! You go
get an ambulance and I'll loosen her
clothes.
84. If it's true that we are what we
eat, then I could be you by morning.
85. I think I could fall madly in bed
with you.
86. Hey baby, wanna play carnival?
That's where you sit on my face and I
guess your age and weight.
87. You: Tickle your ass with a
feather? Her: What?! You: I said
'Particular nice weather?'!
88. Hey baby, wanna play train
conductor? OK. You sit on my face and I'll
Chew, chew, chew! (choo!)
89. Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You
go kneel right there and I'll throw you my
meat.
90. Do you know the difference between
my penis and a chicken leg? No??? Well,
let's go on a picnic and find out!
91. Oh, you're a bird watcher....(Whip
out your unit and ask) Well, would you
take this for a swallow?
92. Stand back, I'm a police officer!
You go call for backup and I'll frisk her!
93. Do you have a library card? Good,
cause I wanna check you out!
94. Your warm eyes melt the iciness of
my heart.
95. (At church during a sermon) (Put
your arm around your gal...) Honey, I
don't know where he is....(motioning to
the preacher) but I do know I'm here with
you.
96. Baby, you look better and better
each day...and tonight, you look like
tomorrow!
97. Here's a quarter....call your
room-mate and tell her you won't be coming
home tonight!
98. Hey baby, you smell, let's take a
shower together!
99. Baby, you with those curves and me
with no brakes! Mmmmm!
100. Hey baby, whatdya say we go behind
that rock and get a little boulder?!?
101. I want to melt in your mouth, not
in your hands.
102. Can I borrow a quarter? [why?] Cuz
I wanna call your mom and thank her!
103. You're so hot, you melt the
plastic in my underwear!
104. Would you be my love buffet? So I
can lay you out on the table and take/eat
what I want!
105. Let's go back to my place and do
the things I'll tell everyone we did
anyway!
106. My name is ______. Just remember
that, so you'll know what to scream later.
107. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
108. Can I flirt with you?
109. Your daddy must have been a baker,
Cuz you sure have a nice set of buns!
110. [Checking her shirt tag] Just
making sure you were the right size!
111. (Grab her ass...) Pardon me, is
this seat taken?
112. Is it hot in here? Or is it just
you?
113. Can I have directions? (to where?)
To your heart!
114. I miss my teddy bear. Would you
sleep with me?
115. So....how am I doin'?
116. How bout you and me go back to my
place and get you out of those wet
clothes?
117. (Tapping your leg) You just think
this is my leg.
118. You know what would look good on
you? Me!
119. Excuse me, but I'm a little short
on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab
home together?
120. Go up to a girl in a bar, and slip
your arm around her, and say, "Hi Kate!"
She says, "I'm not Kate!" And you say, as
your hand slips a little lower, "But you
sure feel like her!"
121. She: Gee, I really enjoyed myself
tonight! He: Me too. Maybe we could let
our bodies enjoy each other sometime!
122. Pardon me, I was just about to go
home and masturbate, and I was wondering
if you would mind if I fantasized about
you?
123. I've had a pretty bad day, and it
usually makes me feel better to see a
pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for
me?
124. Overheard in a computer lab: Just
because our computers are incompatible
doesn't mean we are!
125. Hey baby, wanna lock crotches and
swap gravy?
126. Hey, didn't we go to different
schools together?
127. You know, I would die happy if I
saw you naked just once!
128. Would you like Gin and platonic,
or would you prefer Scotch and sofa?
129. What's your favourite position on
extramarital sex?
130. I'm really sorry about Al. It was
a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in
black, did you know that? What you need
now is a nice backrub. Are the straps too
tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very
tragic.
131. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't
make it this afternoon, she asked me to
pick you up and take you home. My, what a
pretty dress.
132. Excuse me, do you live around here
often?
133. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you
smell like my Gatorade!
134. I've got an itch honey. Lower.
Lower. In. Out.
135. I'm on fire baby, can I run
through your sprinkler?
136. Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
137. I have only three months to
live...
138. Hey baby, what's your sign? All
you can eat?
139. Hi! I'm Big Brother, and I've been
watching you!
140. Where have you been all my life?
141. In the produce department: "How
can you tell if these things are ripe?"
142. Hey, weren't you Miss Virginia
last year?
143. Don't worry about it. Nothing that
you've ever done before counts. The only
thing that matters is that we're together.
144. I know milk does a body good, but
baby, how much have you been drinking?
145. Your daddy must be a drug dealer,
Cuz you're dope.
146. Hey baby, can I tickle your
belly-button from the inside?
147. If I follow you home, will you
keep me?
148. Hey, don't I know you? Yeah,
you're the girl with the beautiful smile
149. Go up to a girl and tell her she
has nice legs....then ask would she mind
if you named them. She says ok, and you
say ok this one is Thanksgiving and that
one is Christmas.....would you mind if I
visited between the holidays?
150. Have you always been this cute, or
did you have to work at it?
151. Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I
come here often?
152. As she's leaving....Hey aren't you
forgetting something? She: What? Me!
153. Have you run into any trees
lately? Then how bout a root!
154. Hey baby, you wanna fu*k or should
I apologize?
155. If you want me, don't shake me, or
wake me, just take me.
156. Want to see my stamp collection?
157. Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I
promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't
floppy.
158. Hi, do you want to have my
children? (assuming the answer is 'no') ,
OK then, can we just practice?
159. Excuse me, you have some lipstick
on your tooth, mind if I lick it off?
160. Do you know how to use a whip?
161. Do you wash your panties with
Windex? Cuz I keep seeing myself in them.
162. Are those space pants? Cuz your
ass is out of this world!
163. How do you like your eggs cooked?
Why? Well I just wanted to know what to
make for you in the morning.
164. Baby, somebody better call God,
Cuz he's missing an angel!
165. You: Hi, wanna fuck? Her: No! Me:
Mind lying down while I have one?
166. Baby, I'm an American Express
lover....you shouldn't go home without me!
167. Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do
your body good.
168. Excuse me, maam, is that dress
felt? Would you like it to be?
169. You: I'm sorry, were you talking
to me? Her: No. You: Well then, please
start.
170. I've got the ship, you've got the
harbor...what say we tie up
171. Would you like to come over to my
place later? You can bring some friends
because my face seats five.
172. Wanna go halves in a baby?
173. You: I hear you like to sing. Her:
Yeah... You: (Whip out your pud) Well,
then step up to the mike!
174. Pardon me, what pickup line works
best with you?
175. Forget that! Playing doctor is for
kids! Let's play gynecologist.
176. Can I see your tan lines?
177. I'm not trying anything, I always
put my hands there.
178. Beauty is only a light switch
away...
179. If you were a tear in my eye I
would not cry for fear of losing you.
180. Do you have a map? I just get lost
in your eyes.
181. Do you have a boyfriend? Well,
when you want a MANfriend, come and talk
to me.
182. I'll bet you 10 bucks I could get
all your clothes off in 30 seconds...
183. I was sitting here holding this
cigarette and I realized I'd rather be
holding you.
184. If your parents hadn't met I'd be
very a very unhappy man right now!
185. Do you know the difference between
a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna
do lunch?
186. Hey baby, sit on my face and let
me get to 'nose' you better!
187. You see my friend over there?
[Point to friend who sheepishly waves from
afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M
cute.
189. Motion your finger for girl to
come over to you, when she gets there say,
I just made you come with one finger,
imagine what I could do with TWO!
190. Hey baby, are you a glover? NO?
Well, I am, wanna wear me?
191. I hope you know CPR, Cuz you take
my breath away!
192. Is it hot in here, or is it just
you?
193. Hey baby, you must be a light
switch, Cuz every time I see you, you turn
me on!
194. Stand still so I can pick you up!
195. Hi, we're taking a survey and I
need your phone number. If you give it to
me, I'll call you and tell you the
results.
196. I didn't know that angels could
fly so low!
197. Excuse me, but I think I dropped
something!!! MY JAW!!
198. Do you like music?(Yes) Good, I've
got a great stereo in my car!
199. Are you looking for Mr. Right, or
Mr. Right Now?
200. Man: (beckons woman with finger)
Woman:(Approaches man) Man: Do you always
cum when someone fingers you?
201. Girl, you look so good, I could
put you on a plate and sop you up with a
biscuit!
202. Really like your peaches, wanna
shake your tree.
203. Excuse me, I am about to go
masturbate and needed a name to go with
the face.
204. Pardon me, but are those stretch
marks around your mouth?
205. Do you want to hear a joke that'll
make you laugh your tits off?.. Oh, you've
already heard it..
206. I like your butt, can I wear it as
a hat?
207. Pardon me, but are you a screamer
or a moaner?
208. I think I can die happy now, cause
I've just seen a piece of heaven.
209. Baby, you must be a broom, cause
you just swept me off my feet.
210. Do you know, your hair and my
pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.
211. Baby, you're so sweet, you put
Hershey's outta business.
212. Go up to a girl at a bar or a
dance and ask her "do you want a fuck(wait
for a second gauging her reaction) and
then say ...ing drink.
213. Go up to a girl, ask her: "Do you
know what winks and screws like a tiger?"
She says no. Then wink.
214.Wasn't I supposed to eat you
somewhere?
215. Excuse me do fries come with that
shake?
216. I'd spend money on you I haven't
even made.
217. I would give you more money than a
show dog could jump over.
218. Baby, you look good coming AND
going!
219. I'd marry your cat just to get in
the family.
220. I can't decide if you are a better
person than you are a woman or you are a
better woman than you are a person.
221. So...Do you fuck, or do I owe you
an apology?
222. Well hello there! How you screwin;
glad to eat ya!
223. I'm not drunk, I'm just
intoxicated by you.
224. Excuse me, miss, do you give head
to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to
introduce myself.
225. If this bar is a meat market, you
must be the prime rib.
226. He: You look like my third wife.
She: Oh, how many time have you been
married? He: Twice.
227. Take an ice cube to the bar, smash
it, and say, "Now that I've broken the
ice, will you sleep with me?"
228. I play the field, and it looks
like I just hit a home run with you.
229. I must be lost. I thought paradise
was further south.
230. You know what I like about you? My
arms.
231. What did you say? Oh, I thought
you were talking to me.
232. So, what are the chances that we
can engage in anything more than just
conversation?
233. You make my software turn to
hardware!
234. As long as I have a face, you'll
have a place to sit.
235. Was you father an alien? No, why?
Because there's nothing else like you on
earth!
236. Hey baby, How would you like to
join me in some math? We'll add you and
me, subtract our clothes, divide your
legs, and multiply!
237. Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but
I can make your Bedrock!
238. Hey baby, let's play house, you
can be the door and I'll slam you!
239. Would you touch me so I can tell
my friends I've been touched by an angel?
240. Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here
to steal your heart.
241. You must be a hell of a thief
'cause you stole my heart from across the
room
242. There are 256 bones in the human
body. How'd ya like one more?
243. As the sun illuminates the moon
and the stars, so let us illuminate each
other.
244. Are you going places or just being
taken?
245. If god made anything prettier, I
hope he kept it for himself.
246. I'll show you mine if you'll show
me yours?
247. Gee Girl, your eyes remind me of
crescent wrenches, every time I look into
them my nuts tighten!
248. Hey baby I want to take you to
Hawaii. To the island of "comona, wanna,
lay ya!
249. If you have a fake leg (or if you
don't), rub hers and if she says anything
say "I'm sorry, I thought that was my leg.
250. Baby, if you were a flower, I
would pick you!
251. Baby, you're so fine, you're my
9.9...
252. Hey, I just noticed you looking at
me across the room. I'll give a minute to
catch your breath!
253. What's the best thing to come out
of a penis? the wrinkles!
254. Hey baby, is your name Gillette?
Cuz you're the best a man can get!
255. You know, I have a romantic
side....let's go back to my room and see
how long it takes you to find out!
256. Girl, you must be a tater tot, Cuz
you're Orida!
257. (As they walk past) Why don't you
come back here and fall in love with me!
258. Girl, you've got more curves than
a back-country road!
259. Baby, you're hotter than Georgia
asphalt on a summer day!
260. Hey baby, will it bother you if I
sleep in the nude?
261. Girl, you got more legs than a
bucket of chicken!
262. She: You're so sweet... He: Well,
it's easy to be sweet when you're talking
to sugar!
263. Hi, my name's coffee, Cuz I'll
keep you up all night!
264. Hey baby, you look like you need a
one-way ticket on the roly-poly express
ride of love!
265. I say your picture in the
dictionary today, it was under KABAAM!
266. I hope you don't mind me giving
you this rose, but, I just had to show it
how you beautiful you are...
267. Write a small note, at the end
write: "Believe me when I say that my
heart cries out to you and if kisses could
be sent in writing you would be reading
this letter with your lips.
~
Mike Tyson Jokes
The Top Ten Mike Tyson Excuses
10. Got a little carried away after seeing
"Face/Off"
9. Really wanted to win first prize on
"America's Funniest Home Videos"
8. Like this doesn't happen every year
in the Masters
7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's
hilarious!
6. Has to do this kind of thing to
compensate for the fact that he talks like
Melanie Griffith
5. I guess you've never heard of a
little thing called "strategy"
4. Ears are tasty
3. "It was self-defense -- he wouldn't
stop punching me"
2. "Disqualified" sounds better than
"got his ass kicked all over the ring"
1. He ran out of gum
Tyson Headlines
"A Bad Bite for Boxing" - The News &
Observer of Raleigh
"Twice Bitten" - Times-Picayune of New
Orleans
"Bite of the Century!" - Arizona Republic
"Bite Night" - Lexington (Ky.)
Herald-Leader
"Tyson's Tasteless Tactics: Bite Night" -
The Record of Hackensack, N.J.
"Reality Bites" - Times Union of Albany,
N.Y.
"Did Tyson Bite Off More Than He Can Chew?
Time Will Tell" - Salt Lake Tribune
"Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism" - The
(Baltimore) Sun
"Biting Commentary" - The Boston Herald
"Tyson Bites the Dust, Holyfield" -
Huntsville (Ala.) Times
"Holyfield May Take a Bite Out of Tyson" -
The Indianapolis Star
"Earmarks of cowardice" - Houston
Chronicle
"Earmark of an eerie night" - The Atlanta
Journal and the Atlanta Constitution
"A two-bit bout: Holyfield wins" - Kansas
City Star
"From Champ to Chomp" - The Herald-Sun of
Durham, N.C.
"Holyfield Still Chomp-ion" - San
Francisco Examiner
"Heavyweight Chomp" - The Philadelphia
Inquirer
"Undisputed Chomp" - 97 USA Today
"World Chomp" - The Sun (London)
"Requiem for a Chompion" - Philadelphia
Daily News
"Sucker Munch" - The Sun (London)
"Biting Back: Evander has public's ear" -
Daily News, New York
"Toss Tyson Out on Ear" - Daily News, New
York
"Ear Flap" - Newsday
"Ears Have It! Evander Wins" - Montgomery
(Ala.) Advertiser
"Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow" -
Providence Journal-Bulletin
"Dracula" - New York Post
"Champ Chewing Over Legal Options" - New
York Post
"It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat" - New
York Post
"For Tyson, Tooth Hurts'' =97 New York
Post
"Now Ear This: Rematch is Possible" - New
York Post
"Lobe Blow for Boxing" - The Tennessean
"Iron Mike Goes Down Biting" - The Sunday
Oklahoman
"Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next" - The
Daily Oklahoman
"Ear of Scorn" - Kansas City Star
"Pay Per Chew" - Philadelphia Daily News
"Holyfield Lends Ear as Tyson
self-destructs" - Arkansas
Democrat-Gazette
"Ear-Responsible" - Fort Worth
Star-Telegram
~
You Know You're Too Serious About
Computers...
* If you did an error-free installation of
Windows 95.
* When your modem starts smoking.
* If no one can reach you by phone since
your computer is always online.
* If you log-off your system because it's
time to go to work.
* If you call in sick because you found a
great new WWW site.
* If you can type your top 10 favorite Web
sites, by heart.
* If you can locate a particular home page
without using a search engine.
* If you can write your own html page.
* If you can access more than 20 erotic
no-pay sites.
* If you download more than 20Mb of from a
binary news group, in one
session.
* If while reading a magazine, you look
for the Zoom icon for a better
look at a photograph.
* You comment, while watching a sunset,
that the image would be enhanced
with 10% more magenta and a higher
resolution.
* If while driving down the street, you
are confused by the numbers on
the houses - they do not appear to be
legitimate WWW addresses.
* When someone tells you to remember
something, and you look for
File/Save command.
* When you discover there is no little car
icon with a forward arrow on
the dashboard of your car, to make it go.
* When you think the File/Kill command
should apply to your system
administrator.
* When you find it easier to dial-up the
National Weather Service
Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply
look out the window.
* When you start using phrases like:
Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home
* If you have a heart attack when you
forgot to pay your phone bill and
receive a "pending disconnection of
service" notice.
* When you order most of what you buy...
online.
* If your fingers quit moving because
you've been online for 36 hours.
* When you find yourself engaged to
someone you've never actually met;
except through e-mail.
* When you log-off from a session in your
favorite news group... and your
log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24
minutes.
* If your net provider suggests you try a
competitor, because you're
exceeding 300 hours a month connect time.
* When you add your third modem and
dedicated phone line.
* You access Microsoft's Web page every
Sunday morning for Brother Bill's
sermon.
* When that 112Gb hard drive is full.
* If 133 Mhz is simply too slow.
* When your desk collapses under the
weight of your computer peripherals.
* If you have an "online" light installed
on your car to tell you when
the engine is running.
* When you discover that in order to drive
your car somewhere, you do not
enter an http:// or ftp:// address.
* If you can actually talk to the
computers in your new car - and under-
stand what they say.
* When you modify the programming of your
car's computers and actually
get better mileage.
* When you can access the Net - via your
portable and cellular phone.
* If on the way home from work, you use
your portable and cellular phone
in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk
missile, in flight, and redirect
it to take out the joker in the Cadillac
who cut you off.
* If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your
car window.
* When you put a CD-ROM in your car's
player.
* When someone tells you about a great new
program and you're very
disappointed to find it's on TV.
* If every sentence you utter begins with,
"On the Net..."
* If you put your e-mail address in the
upper left-hand corner of
envelopes.
* If you have your e-mail address printed
on your stationary.
* When you insist on seeing the movie "The
Net" - for the 63rd time.
* When you have the movie "The Net" on
CD-ROM.
* If magazines like "InterNetWorld" are of
greater interest than
"Playboy" or "Playgirl".
* If you maintain more than 6 e-mail
addresses.
* If you use more than 20 passwords.
* If you setup your own Web page.
* If you setup a Web page for each of your
kids... and your pets.
* If, instead of a phone number, you ask
someone for their e-mail
address.
* If you don't know anyone who DOESN'T
have an e-mail addresses.
* If, to you, 'safe sex' means doing it
online.
* If you convince your mom that she HAS to
get online because e-mail is
so much cheaper than long distance phone
charges.
* If you can relate to one of the above.
* If you can relate to all the above.
* If you deny these relate to you.
* If you can write a list like this.
~
50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare
the Bejeezus out of People in the Computer
Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a
frightened look on your face and scream
"Oh my God! They've found me!" and
bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3
minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at
you.
3. When your computer is turned off,
complain to the monitor on duty that
you can't get the dang thing to work.
After he/she's turned it on, wait 5
minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the
process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to
look at the person next to you
evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab,
connect each computer to different
screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs"
theme song and play it at the
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